Devastated
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 151
Devastated
Hi all,
I am very thankful for this community and have been reading posts here for several weeks.
I am finally posting because yesterday my biggest and ultimate fear came true; my fiancé drank herself to death.
I am having a flood of emotions and especially guilt as I kicked her out of our family home which then resulted in the 10-day bender that took her life.
I know I didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it. That does not stop the co-dependent in me from feeling guilty and responsible.
Everyone in our lives has told me I've done the right thing, but truthfully I don't think they understand what I'm feeling.
I'm reaching out now to find out how any of you have coped with this tragic and terrible situation.
I know as a rule people don't offer advice, but I am open to any suggestions to relieve my guilt without turning to alcohol myself.
Thank you for reading
I am very thankful for this community and have been reading posts here for several weeks.
I am finally posting because yesterday my biggest and ultimate fear came true; my fiancé drank herself to death.
I am having a flood of emotions and especially guilt as I kicked her out of our family home which then resulted in the 10-day bender that took her life.
I know I didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it. That does not stop the co-dependent in me from feeling guilty and responsible.
Everyone in our lives has told me I've done the right thing, but truthfully I don't think they understand what I'm feeling.
I'm reaching out now to find out how any of you have coped with this tragic and terrible situation.
I know as a rule people don't offer advice, but I am open to any suggestions to relieve my guilt without turning to alcohol myself.
Thank you for reading
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
My friend, I am so sorry for what you are going through, and I am so grateful you have reached out here for support.
You already know that there is nothing that turning to alcohol can do for you except make everything exponentially worse.
This is terribly fresh, so of course your emotions are in over-drive right now. Grief is extremely powerful. As painful as it sounds, time is what will relieve your guilt. You can feel whatever you are feeling without having to act upon it. In time you will come to believe, and not just "know", that your fiancee's choices were hers to make. There are so many other paths she could have chosen, and there is nothing you could have done or said to force her to take one over another.
Sending you strength, courage, and patience to allow time to help you heal from this.
You already know that there is nothing that turning to alcohol can do for you except make everything exponentially worse.
This is terribly fresh, so of course your emotions are in over-drive right now. Grief is extremely powerful. As painful as it sounds, time is what will relieve your guilt. You can feel whatever you are feeling without having to act upon it. In time you will come to believe, and not just "know", that your fiancee's choices were hers to make. There are so many other paths she could have chosen, and there is nothing you could have done or said to force her to take one over another.
Sending you strength, courage, and patience to allow time to help you heal from this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 151
Grief is extremely powerful. As painful as it sounds, time is what will relieve your guilt. You can feel whatever you are feeling without having to act upon it. In time you will come to believe, and not just "know", that your fiancee's choices were hers to make. There are so many other paths she could have chosen, and there is nothing you could have done or said to force her to take one over another.
Sending you strength, courage, and patience to allow time to help you heal from this.
Sending you strength, courage, and patience to allow time to help you heal from this.
I feel immense grief and guilt but also a sense of how much I truly want to live.
I know will ease my suffering, but I'm just not that patient. I will need to learn patience with myself
Last edited by DesertEyes; 04-19-2017 at 07:15 AM. Reason: Fixed broken quote.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 54
HG, I am so very sorry for your loss. There are no words to take that pain away but just know that you are not alone. You have all of our support here. Logically, you know that nothing you did or didn't do could have changed things, but I'm praying that emotionally, you will come to believe this as well.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by HeartbrokenGuy 
I know will ease my suffering, but I'm just not that patient. I will need to learn patience with myself
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I'm so sorry, addiction is so painful for everyone within arms reach.
Please take good care of and be gentle with yourself. Grief is a process, and there is no time limit on it. Big hugs to you, and prayers of peace to you and her family.
Please take good care of and be gentle with yourself. Grief is a process, and there is no time limit on it. Big hugs to you, and prayers of peace to you and her family.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
Praying for peace and comfort to you! I'm so sorry for your loss. It's very apparent you loved her very much and I'm sure she knew it. Addiction sucks so bad. She is now in peace and will no longer have to battle this horrible disease.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
HeartbrokenGuy......I am so sorry for this tragic event and for your suffering.....
The same thing could have happened, had she continued to live with you..
There are lots of people who continue to live with their alcoholic, who this has/is happening to...
The decision to recover has to come from within the person (as I am sure that you, intellectually, know)....and, for some that never comes about....
Something that you never had any control over.....
Try to resist beating yourself up over this...blame the disease...hate the disease....not yourself....
You need some face to face support (in addition to coming here). That is vital in the grieving process...and, naturally, you are going to be grieving for a while...
There are grief support groups, just about everywhere, anymore...
This is a place where everybody is in the same shoes and you would be understood, there, beyond mere words...I highly encourage you to find one to ease your suffering and transition.....
Grief is a time when compassionate human contact is vital....
You are. also, free to come here and ventilate about this whole experience, any time you need to....as there are lots of others who are and have been in your same shoes...
I am so sorry for your pain.....
The same thing could have happened, had she continued to live with you..
There are lots of people who continue to live with their alcoholic, who this has/is happening to...
The decision to recover has to come from within the person (as I am sure that you, intellectually, know)....and, for some that never comes about....
Something that you never had any control over.....
Try to resist beating yourself up over this...blame the disease...hate the disease....not yourself....
You need some face to face support (in addition to coming here). That is vital in the grieving process...and, naturally, you are going to be grieving for a while...
There are grief support groups, just about everywhere, anymore...
This is a place where everybody is in the same shoes and you would be understood, there, beyond mere words...I highly encourage you to find one to ease your suffering and transition.....
Grief is a time when compassionate human contact is vital....
You are. also, free to come here and ventilate about this whole experience, any time you need to....as there are lots of others who are and have been in your same shoes...
I am so sorry for your pain.....
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm so very sorry. I can only imagine the grief and feelings of guilt you must be experiencing.
Please rest assured that staying with her would not have saved her. And I know you know that, logically, but it's still very hard not to feel responsible. I think family members of suicide victims feel very much the same.
I hope you will reach out for any support you can find at this time. Al-Anon, a therapist, a grief support group--whatever you need.
Many hugs and prayers for you both and for her family.
Please rest assured that staying with her would not have saved her. And I know you know that, logically, but it's still very hard not to feel responsible. I think family members of suicide victims feel very much the same.
I hope you will reach out for any support you can find at this time. Al-Anon, a therapist, a grief support group--whatever you need.
Many hugs and prayers for you both and for her family.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
My deepest sympathy on your loss. What a shame, and what a waste of a life...but as others have said, please, please realize there was nothing you could do to change the course of events.
I hope you'll continue to read and post here, and I hope you find some comfort and healing as time passes.
I hope you'll continue to read and post here, and I hope you find some comfort and healing as time passes.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by HeartbrokenGuy
I feel immense grief and guilt but also a sense of how much I truly want to live.
My only experience with this is losing a friend to an overdose and even though we weren't super-close, it was still emotionally overwhelming for a very long time. Heck, it's STILL overwhelming when I think about it and it's been about 18 months already; go easy on yourself. (((((Hugs)))))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Rupert ID
Posts: 469
My deepest sympathies, Heartbroken. May she rest in peace.
I cannot even imagine what you are going through but I do know, that we alone, are responsible for our own actions. My drinking has never been anyone else's fault or their responsibility. It was mine alone.
I cannot even imagine what you are going through but I do know, that we alone, are responsible for our own actions. My drinking has never been anyone else's fault or their responsibility. It was mine alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 151
Thank you all for your support.
My grief ebbs and flows as I try to reconcile what I know intellectually (3C's, No one stops the alcoholic but the alcoholic, etc.) with what I'm feeling emotionally (responsibility, guilt, anger, frustration, a need to know why it had to happen this way)
I could no longer accept her behavior as I felt like I was drowning. I never wished for this to happen. I can't help shake the guilt. At least not yet.
I went to an Al-anon meeting. It was probably my current mindset and situation, however, I felt it completely unhelpful.
I am going to a counseling appointment this afternoon and am hopeful that brings some relief.
Thank you all for reading
Thank you all for allowing me to vent.
My grief ebbs and flows as I try to reconcile what I know intellectually (3C's, No one stops the alcoholic but the alcoholic, etc.) with what I'm feeling emotionally (responsibility, guilt, anger, frustration, a need to know why it had to happen this way)
I could no longer accept her behavior as I felt like I was drowning. I never wished for this to happen. I can't help shake the guilt. At least not yet.
I went to an Al-anon meeting. It was probably my current mindset and situation, however, I felt it completely unhelpful.
I am going to a counseling appointment this afternoon and am hopeful that brings some relief.
Thank you all for reading
Thank you all for allowing me to vent.
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