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Old Yesterday, 03:04 AM   #41 (permalink)
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Zircon, I have nothing to offer but my most sincere wishes for you to find the strength and patience to get through this. It sure does seem unfair, and in your shoes, I'd be going crazy too. Someone on SR here has a signature line that says "When you're going through hell, don't stop--keep going!"

Here is the full version, attributed to a Christian Science editor, in hopes you might find some help:

Someone once asked a man how he was. He replied, “I’m going through hell!” Said his friend: “Well, keep on going. That is no place to stop!” If you seem to be going through the deep waters of physical anguish and cannot for the moment seem to gain the understanding which binds the strong man, keep on going—keep on clinging to Truth, and hear again the comforting, strengthening message, “My grace is sufficient for thee.” God, divine Love, is eternally sustaining His child, and will “bind the power of pain” as surely as the summer sun will melt the stubborn frost.
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Old Yesterday, 03:56 AM   #42 (permalink)
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It's not surprising you feel downhearted at how this is dragging on - I sincerely hope things turn in your favour soon.
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Old Yesterday, 07:04 AM   #43 (permalink)
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Hi All,
Not sure what I'm feeling right now! Trying to continue to have faith in people, and the justice system.
I didn't think this was going to be so difficult.
The judge awarded him the whole kubota tractor we bought together. It's worth about 10,000. I actually paid for it when we bought it.
Also she is expecting me to pay the 868.00 we owe because my AH made a mistake on the taxes and didn't dispute it, just paid his half.
I think the judge thought we wanted the whole kubota, not half the value.
I am very grateful for getting half the equity in our home, but not having to wait. But as everyone says the time will pass quickly!
The judge gave him our business.
I guess I need to look at this as a victory, even though there are no winners when your dealing with this disease, only incredible pain and heartache!
I spoke with my lawyer yesterday. He is going to file a motion regarding the:
1.) kubota: stating we only requested 1/2 the value, since I bought it not the whole thing.
2.)The taxes owed: Inform the judge that I was never given the choice of whether to dispute the amount owed. There was no communication from my AH except 2 pages of a 7 page letter sent to him from the IRS, 1 week before the money was due. It never indicated what he had done. We sent a communication to his lawyer that we felt we didn't owe the money. We only found out in court that my AH paid 1/2 the taxes owed and now wants me to pay the other 1/2, even though we don't owe it
3.)The judge had 2 different orders about his IRA accounts. In one place she awards me 1/2 of his IRA account. In another place she awards me 1/2 the growth for the duration of our marriage. My lawyer is questioning that. He feels that an IRA is not a pension plan but a savings account so I should be getting 1/2.
4.) the other issue is the gun collection was never mentioned. It should be spilt 1/2. It has considerable worth. When the police took everything from the house, they said to me all this stuff is worth well over 30,000.
I hope the judge doesn't thing I'm being ungrateful for what she's already decided on, but every penny is important to me
My lawyer said he'll submit theses requests to her. We won't have to go to court again, unless their is something she really needs discussed. Once we get all this settled, once my AH and I sign the decree, it'll be 30 days and the divorce will be final.
Of course I'm sure my AH lawyer will be submitting motions herself too. My AH didn't want to give me any of the house or his IRA, so we'll have to see what happens there.
Most of the stuff we're asking for are clarifications of the IRA order, and being sure the judge understood the situation with the taxes and kubota.
Feeling so drained and like I've been hit by a truck!!
Z
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Old Yesterday, 08:43 AM   #44 (permalink)
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I know how hard it is to process all this stuff. You ARE getting quite a bit that he wasn't willing to compromise on, so as upsetting as it is to have to wait some more to see your money, you will see a lot more than he was willing to share. I don't think anyone ever feels the division of property is "fair." Nothing about alcoholism or having to go through all this is fair.

This is a super lame analogy, but I'm living in a house that I bought in 2006. Only three years after I bought it, I discovered huge cracks in the foundation that weren't there when I bought it. I believed they happened due to the failure of my homeowners' association to maintain a collapsing retaining wall behind my house. I hired a lawyer and engineers, and after YEARS and tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees and other expenses, I wound up with a tiny settlement that covers only a fraction of the legal fees I paid out. And I'm stuck, still, with a house worth roughly 1/3 of the price that I paid (and am still paying--house is still worth about half of the unpaid balance of my mortgage). And I can't sell it the way it is, obviously. So I've spent the last couple of years saving up almost enough money to have the repairs done (I'll still have to take out a sizable loan). I just made arrangements to have the plans for the repair drawn up and put out for bid.

None of this was FAIR. I'd had an inspection before I bought it, and everything was great. None of the damage is covered by insurance, because it's considered "earth movement." Despite the best efforts of a good lawyer we didn't have sufficient evidence to prove the retaining wall was the cause of the damage--it appears the house was built on bad soil, and too much time has gone by to sue the builders. So it's like an act of God. One not covered by insurance. I just have to eat it. Not fair at all. But the point is, when something unfair like that happens, there are two choices. One is to focus on the unfairness, and the other is to give the unfairness a rueful shake of the head and figure out a way to deal.

You're sounding much, much better. You WILL find a way to deal. Have you thought about whether there's any kind of work you can do to supplement your income? I know you have health problems, but is there something maybe you could do that has flexible hours so you can work when you feel up to it?
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Old Yesterday, 09:31 AM   #45 (permalink)
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Hi,
I'm a nurse. Have been for the last 30 years. I worked for 6 years after my brain hemorrhage. For me it resulted in blindness in my R eye, weakness and lots of strange feelings on my R side. For what I'm told I'm pretty lucky to be here. As a nurse, it was hard for me to accept I couldn't fix me! LOL. Thank goodness my cognitive function wasn't effected, accept for the normal getting old stuff! During this time of working, I also so taking care of my MIL, with dementia with some psychosis! She was a 24/7 care. This took a huge toll on my medical issues! Then, I had my mom in failing health, being the nurse I was also helping with her care!
She passed away in 2015. Then I guess put the added stress of watching my AH verbally abuse his mother. Saying things a son should never say to his mother. There was no support from his sister to take the mother, she blankly refused to help when my mom passed away, and in my professional opinion, it was no longer safe for my MIL to be living with us, she required care I couldn't provide in the home.
I came home one day and my MIL was gone. My AH had left her on his sisters front porch! To make a long story, less long, his sister put her in a nursing home the day before Christmas because she had plans! Broke my heart!
After all this chaos, my MD told me this had taken quite a toll on my body and suggested I apply for disability. I'm a stubborn woman, and didn't want to admit I was so broken!
I finally broke down and applied, and was approved 3months later.
Little did I realize there would be so many more changes in my life!!
All of these changes have been difficult, I was a workaholic, and most of my identity as a woman and a person is wrapped around my nursing career! Loosing my mother was very hard, but I never had time to grieve. I was dealing with my MIL and my abusive AH.
Too many huge changes for one person!!
This past year has given me the time to accept the changes I can't do anything about.
I guess, I'm a fighter, but need to learn to trust the judicial system, and most of all accept the fact that I did the best I could in all the situations I was faced with!
I hope someday, I will be able to help someone else the way this forum has helped me!

Thank you,
Zircon
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Old Yesterday, 10:12 AM   #46 (permalink)
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You certainly HAVE been a fighter! When the dust settles, maybe you could consult with a disability attorney to figure out whether it would make sense to try to do something that doesn't require a lot of physical work and that you could do at your own pace. Sounds like you have a lot of expertise you've developed in elder care. Consulting and writing are two things that might potentially be doable, and there's a lot of demand for content and information on stuff like that as our parents age.

This can be an opportunity to figure out a direction to go. I'm about the same age as you are (61 this summer), and even though I sometimes wish I had more time to do what I want, my job provides some very necessary structure and purpose to my days.
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Old Yesterday, 10:43 AM   #47 (permalink)
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Hi,
I would definitely like to continue doing something in the nursing field!
My life has been so chaotic over the last 2 years, it would gave been unfair on my part to make a commitment to any kind of project!
As soon as the dust settles, I'm thinking of looking into teaching a class maybe, I've been published before in the field of children and adults with developmental disabilities, so the idea of aging is very intriguing to me. I can't wait till my focus can be for what I have always had a passion for!
Hopefully I will be posting soon with positive outcomes, with less drama involved!!
Z
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Old Yesterday, 10:53 AM   #48 (permalink)
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I'm gonna throw one more idea into the hat along those same lines. There's an increased awareness about elder abuse. It's being prosecuted much more vigorously--my organization has been helping to educate and train prosecutors, advocates, police, and healthcare providers on appropriate responses. So providing consulting services to those folks in that context is something that is in increasing demand. There's also a need for expert witnesses for trials. Some issues might require a physician's testimony, but for things like regular caregiving, explaining the effects of aging, etc., a nurse could definitely qualify as an expert.

I think pursuing your passions will go a long way toward building a good, meaningful life.
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Old Yesterday, 11:04 AM   #49 (permalink)
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Hi,
Wow! What an excellent idea! That would certainly be something I would love to do! I have an incredible desire to help individuals who either can't help themselves, they are mentally challenged, the frail and elderly, and individuals that just don't have or know what resources are available to them!

Thank you!!
Z
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Old Yesterday, 11:12 AM   #50 (permalink)
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When you're ready to explore, send me a PM. I can connect you with some folks who might be able to get you pointed in the right direction.
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Old Yesterday, 11:45 AM   #51 (permalink)
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I will!! Thank you again!
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Old Yesterday, 01:23 PM   #52 (permalink)
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A lousy divorce decree doesn't dictate your future. It just dictates the divorce.

A dear friend of mine lost everything when she divorced her ex-husband two years ago. She had sacrificed her incredibly promising career to support his as he travelled around the world. He got the house and the retirement plan. She had been emotionally abused for years. She was so desperate to get out that she just wanted it over and done. She took a series of crappy jobs that she was vastly overqualified for just to pay the rent. Fortunately no children were involved.

Fast forward to today. She has an AMAZING career, one that she could have never imagined when she and her ex split up. Her ex? Not so great. He essentially served himself extra large helpings of humble pie. Let's just say bankruptcy for him would not be the worst case scenario.

I never liked him, and when I caught him cheating on her, I REALLY didn't like him. (The aftermath was not pretty.). When I found out he was the driver of his own karma bus, I allowed myself a good long laugh.

And SHE is living well and living large, and no longer under his thumb.

And I get the feeling that you will make it too, no matter what the judge decides.
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