Wanted to say hi!

Old 03-29-2017, 11:20 AM
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Wanted to say hi!

I stumbled across this forum and read some of the posts. I wish I had found it sooner. It made me feel that I'm not alone, gave me hope and I realised that the way I've been treated is pretty standard for an alcoholic relationship (this made me feel better, although I can't fathom why?)

I met my partner when we were 16, we had many, many happy years together, but the last 6 have been hell. Lots of really rubbish things happened to us. I miscarried a baby, fell pregnant again, lost this baby at 5 months, which was just awful, fell pregnant again, then at 8 months pregnant was diagnosed with breast cancer. Our baby survived through my operation and was delivered safely. I then had a year of chemo and rads etc with my baby to look after. (We also have two older children too). About a year after my treatment finished, my partner's father passed away during an operation that was carried out due to alcoholism, his mother then proceeded to starve herself for 6 months and also passed away. So you can see, my partner has lots of reasons to have hit the bottle.

During my treatment he started to hit the bottle hard, I was often left to deal with the family when I was sick. We didn't talk about this really and it wasn't used against him in any way, although he feels guilty. At this time, he used to get drunk and pass out, that was all.

After his parent's passed away he hit the wine boxes, and would pretty much consume nearly a whole one a night. He became emotionally abusive to me and on one occasion physically abusive. My 16 year old son called the police. After that occasion, he stayed out of our house for several months, but came back after counselling. He at no stage, gave up drinking, but he did give up the boxes of wine. We were ok, but he was made redundant and at home a lot. The drinking has ramped up again and the emotional abuse has started again. I can't live like this anymore. My children are suffering the school is aware of the situation etc etc. He is currently sleeping in our motor home on the driveway as money is tight for now. He says he has been to the dr and they will give him disulfiram, he wants back in, our children don't want him near us :-(

Anyway, I know I need help, so here I am. I guess I need support from those who understand and have walked in my shoes. I also need help with my three children my son, 16 years old, 13 year old daughter and 5 year old little boy.
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Old 03-29-2017, 12:07 PM
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Hi and welcome Joplusthree,

You have been through so much, I haven't walked in your shoes - my situation is quite different but also involves an AH.

I'm sure your about to receive some good advice and information from other members who have a shared experience.

Take care of you
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Old 03-29-2017, 12:13 PM
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Welcome to SR, jo--glad you found us here. I don't find it odd that you feel better knowing that you're not alone in your struggles to live w/an active alcoholic; I think most of us here would say we felt the same way. I know I sure did!

It sounds like you've been reading around the forum, and I'd encourage you to keep doing that. Have you considered looking into Alanon for some face-to-face support also?

From what you've written here, I'd have to say I agree w/your children; I don't think you need him around, either. Disulfiram (Antabuse) alone is not going to "cure" his alcoholism. He's going to need to put in a lot of hard work (AA or other program) on himself, and I don't see any mention of him being willing to do that. Even if he did, the most common advice is to make sure there is a bare minimum of one year of good solid recovery before even discussing the possibility of living together again.

What do you want to happen? Have you made any plans or considered what your options are?
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Old 03-29-2017, 12:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Joplusthree View Post
he wants back in, our children don't want him near us :-(
Hello, I am so sorry for what brings you here, and glad you have found some comfort in the other posts, you are not alone!

I come from the camp that when you have kids, they are #1. You put what is good for them first, and this is not good for them. They can see through it much more quickly than we can so many times. So through all you have said, the one sentence I pulled out of the quote is the one that matters. You must do what is the best for them.

I would recommend counseling with a counselor who specializes in addiction for yourself, and a counselor for your children as well.

Hugs to you. So sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
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Old 03-29-2017, 12:37 PM
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he wants back in, our children don't want him near us :-(
Please listen to your children!!

I also recommend counseling for you and your children.

The one thing that really caught by eye in your post was when you said..So you can see, my partner has lots of reasons to have hit the bottle.

So you can see, my partner has lots of reasons to have hit the bottle.
He lacks healthy coping skills, normal people do not hit the bottle and hard in order to deal with life's distress's. Please don't mistake all of those things that happened in his/your life as excuses for him to have had to drink.

You lost babies, you had cancer, did you hit the bottle hard?

It's not normal for the children's father to be living in a mobile home parked in the driveway drunk off his a@@. The kids have to witness that and it's going to affect them. Get them and yourself into counseling ASAP. Can't he take himself and that that mobile home and park it somewhere else and away from all of you?
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Old 03-29-2017, 01:29 PM
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he wants back in, our children don't want him near us :-(
This really stands out to me. WHat do YOU want, mama?

You've been through hell and back - big big hugs!!
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Old 03-29-2017, 01:59 PM
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It sounds like the AH goes in cycles - something stressful happens, he drinks more, it reaches some kind of crisis point (e.g. he hits you), he "behaves" better (e.g. he gets counselling and moves back in, he says he'll take Antabuse), and then when the next stressful thing comes along, he starts drinking more again. I can only see this cycle getting worse.

You can't do anything to stop the cycle because you can't make him develop better coping skills for stressors, which will always be present. You can only decide how you are going to respond when the cycle gets going. I think it is a very good sign that you aren't letting him back into the house. He may be out in the mobile home trying to wait you out, expecting that eventually you'll give in and say "okay, come on back". Do you know if this is what you want to do?

It sounds like you've suffered a lot from this man, but you and your kids' well-being is more important than he is.
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Old 03-29-2017, 02:10 PM
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By the time alcoholism has set in (which seems to be the case here), it really doesn't matter what is going on in the alcoholic's life in terms of whether he or she drinks. It's a sunny day, it's a cloudy day, I lost my job, I got a promotion, the stock market is up, the stock market is down.

Sometimes someone will BEGIN to drink because of stress, but only a portion of those people will become alcoholics. Some never do, and when the stressor ends, the overdrinking ends.

So what happened before is irrelevant to what's going on now. Anything will be offered as an excuse, including blaming you. Do you really need that in your life after all YOU have been through?
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Old 03-29-2017, 02:36 PM
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So you can see, my partner has lots of reasons to have hit the bottle.

whoa....let's stop that right there. NEVER attempt to justify why someone drinks, especially if they drink to excess and have basically abandoned their own family thru abuse and disinterest.

you too went thru hell...........did you use that as an excuse to check out and drink?

no, you are holding it together and on an online forum seeking help so you find a HEALTHY solution.

you and the children come first. PERIOD. do what is in your best interests. RV man IS a grown up..........with responsibilities. he is perfectly capable to making OTHER choices..........but he's NOT.
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Old 03-29-2017, 03:23 PM
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This is slightly off the topic....but, I am remembering all the situations when the errant alcoholic was living in a mobile home , in the driveway.....(and still causing trouble)....
Seems to be a popular housing choice....
Of course, the shed in the back yard has been another popular choice, for some......

Just saying......
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Old 03-29-2017, 03:54 PM
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Jo,
You sound like an amazing Momma!! What you have accomplished over the last few years all by yourself, you need to pat yourself on the back. Talk about tough, and you survived!! Not even breast cancer can get you down.

The question is how can you rebuild. You are doing just that, you are not to make ah (alcoholic husband) a priority in your life anymore, thats over. The kids and you are number one. Your older kids are able to hit a alateen meeting and you can go to an alanon meeting. These meetings can really help. Read all over this forum and educate yourself about addiction. Education is power.

Learn not to engage with him when he is drinking. If he wants to fight take the kids and leave the house. They do not have to witness this and a neither do you. If you can't get out, call the cops and just ask him to be removed. Just remember when you threaten something you have to follow through, if you aren't going to do something, don't say it.

Keep asking questions, my friend!! You are a brave women and good for you for wanting a better life for you and your kids. You Deserve it!!
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Old 03-29-2017, 04:57 PM
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Hi Joplus3. You came to a great place. This forum has helped me through many tough times.

I'm 45. 3 kids ages 17, 13 and 6 (boy, girl, boy). Pretty close to your children's ages. The 4 of us left my AH about 16 days ago. We now live with my parents, 7 hours away from him.

Life was hell with his drinking for 7.5 years. In the past few months, everything worsened very quickly. I got out while the going was good. My kids were thrilled to get away from AH, and they have been thriving in our new home and their schools. I'm having a few ups and downs, but it's early days. Overall, things are 110% better.

Remember to take care of yourself, and aim for the life you truly want for yourself and your children. You all deserve to be happy. Keep posting and vent when you need to. It helps tremendously. (((((Hugs)))))
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