What was I thinking?!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
What was I thinking?!
I have been deactivating many social media accounts since I left my AH 15 days ago. They're time-wasters if I let them be, and I really just want to disconnect from all of it for a while.
Anyway, I glanced back on Messenger at conversations with AH over the past 6 months. Wondered if I should delete them. Since last Fall, face-to-face conversations were rare because he had become so quick to anger. When I needed to express myself safely, instant messaging or texts worked well. What I saw as I scanned through the messages left me almost in tears. Me begging, pleading and imploring him to cut down on drinking and to stop being abusive. Over and over and over again for months (and years of the same, both written and verbal, beyond the recorded time period). A few good days here and there, surrounded by the same desperate requests for a better life for our family. How was I so entrenched in the pattern that I kept going for so long? Years! Hoping that this conversation would bring about positive change. Then...oh...no, he almost seemed to be making progress but fell short. Maybe next time. And so it would continue.
Broken record. Pleading by me. Promises from him. We would get along ok for a few days. Boundaries put in place by me when his behaviour started up again. Silent treatment from him. And so on and so forth.
I know it's a process that we all need to fully experience in order to move forward. But I'm kicking myself in the butt anyway! Yes...it's difficult to be realistic about the patterns when you're in them. But once you're out...whoa! Then it all stands out in huge bold letters. I was living in the middle of an alcohol tornado for years. And my three kids, too. Makes me feel really sad and guilty.
Talk about a dose of reality from the other side of the fence! Never again!
Anyway, I glanced back on Messenger at conversations with AH over the past 6 months. Wondered if I should delete them. Since last Fall, face-to-face conversations were rare because he had become so quick to anger. When I needed to express myself safely, instant messaging or texts worked well. What I saw as I scanned through the messages left me almost in tears. Me begging, pleading and imploring him to cut down on drinking and to stop being abusive. Over and over and over again for months (and years of the same, both written and verbal, beyond the recorded time period). A few good days here and there, surrounded by the same desperate requests for a better life for our family. How was I so entrenched in the pattern that I kept going for so long? Years! Hoping that this conversation would bring about positive change. Then...oh...no, he almost seemed to be making progress but fell short. Maybe next time. And so it would continue.
Broken record. Pleading by me. Promises from him. We would get along ok for a few days. Boundaries put in place by me when his behaviour started up again. Silent treatment from him. And so on and so forth.
I know it's a process that we all need to fully experience in order to move forward. But I'm kicking myself in the butt anyway! Yes...it's difficult to be realistic about the patterns when you're in them. But once you're out...whoa! Then it all stands out in huge bold letters. I was living in the middle of an alcohol tornado for years. And my three kids, too. Makes me feel really sad and guilty.
Talk about a dose of reality from the other side of the fence! Never again!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
musiclady...I think that getting some physical distance and seeing that living in the middle of the madness is not your only option......has a lot to do with it.
Like....observing a village from the top of a hill looks a lot different than when you are standing in the middle of Main Street....
Like....observing a village from the top of a hill looks a lot different than when you are standing in the middle of Main Street....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Ml,
Wash rinse repeat.
When I was going through stuff after the divorce, I found a "note" from high school, 1982. Axh was apologizing to me for lying to me about getting stoned and partying.
The old saying "when people show you they are believe them the first time", don't wait 34 years like I did, to believe them. Ugh!!
I have kept all my meesage, as I want to reaffirm myself, if I ever question why I divorced, I have proof.
Wash rinse repeat.
When I was going through stuff after the divorce, I found a "note" from high school, 1982. Axh was apologizing to me for lying to me about getting stoned and partying.
The old saying "when people show you they are believe them the first time", don't wait 34 years like I did, to believe them. Ugh!!
I have kept all my meesage, as I want to reaffirm myself, if I ever question why I divorced, I have proof.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I often see my old messages b/c I save them as evidence should we end up in court. I get the same knee jerk reaction. Ugh.
I just remember that no matter what happened, I have my wonderful kids because of my relationship with my X. Best gift I could ever have, so I don't regret it!
I just remember that no matter what happened, I have my wonderful kids because of my relationship with my X. Best gift I could ever have, so I don't regret it!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Those aha ha moments are life changers. We cannot see the big picture while we are still in it. Glad you can see the light now. It may be beneficial to hold onto those messages for a while, don’t have to read them just keep them in the event they are needed in a legal sense.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Aww 
I saved good and bad texts, messages, and the psychotic recordings i took of xabf in rage mode for the better part of 8 months. I listened to them and read them in weak moments, and they helped me move past those painful times.
The day I felt ready to delete them was a pivotal moment for me. They felt part of my past, rather than something I was still living through.
Things are pretty raw for you right now. Take care of yourself, and I hope that you patting yourself on the back overtakes that sadness and guilt very soon. You worked hard to get the life you deserve for you and your kids.
I saved good and bad texts, messages, and the psychotic recordings i took of xabf in rage mode for the better part of 8 months. I listened to them and read them in weak moments, and they helped me move past those painful times.
The day I felt ready to delete them was a pivotal moment for me. They felt part of my past, rather than something I was still living through.
Yes...it's difficult to be realistic about the patterns when you're in them. But once you're out...whoa! Then it all stands out in huge bold letters. I was living in the middle of an alcohol tornado for years. And my three kids, too. Makes me feel really sad and guilty.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
I also kept the recordings and messages after I left AH, they helped me get my restraining order. They also helped me regain clarity when I would start feeling sorry for him again. And I, too, felt a sense of freedom when I finally deleted them and was able to look ahead instead of back. So glad you got free. Take care.
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