batchel9

Well guys..... I got an apartment. I move out in a week. Now I'm starting to feel the gravity of the situation related to logistics (moving), the fact that I am missing fairly significant pieces of furniture to put in an apartment, etc. Its been 4 days since I signed the lease and I've only questioned my decision for about 2 min of it however.

I'm terrified of talking to my kids though (age 5 and 2)!! What do I say?! I'm also really not ready to make it public, yet I'm sure my kids will have no problems telling people. And I read that I should tell their teachers. Probably nothing I can do about the last parts though. Looking for input!

sauerkraut

Hi Batchel,
Just wanted to say that my children's teachers were very very supportive. They had been through it before, in their own lives and/or with other families. They were glad I told them and really helpful to check in to make sure everyone was coping okay. And on the furniture . . . I spent over $1K at IKEA, which I didn't even think was possible since most things cost less than $10 there. To start, I just got the essentials (beds and a table/chairs), and then gradually added other things.

musiclady14

I moved out 15 days ago. My 3 children and I moved to my parents' home 7 hours away. So I left a lot of furniture behind. Their house isn't a large one.

In terms of schools (my kids are 17, 13 and 6), I explained the situation to their teachers and principals prior to the move. Tons of support from everyone. As for the new schools, the registration forms tell the story (they needed info on custody and contacts) and that's where it ended.

My kids are doing amazingly well. Happy, relaxed, thoroughly enjoying their new schools and friends. It was so worthwhile to move on from my AH.

Best wishes to you and your children. Hugs!

musiclady14

Oh...in terms of telling my kids. The older 2 (17 and 13) had been asking me for a while if we could leave. So they were excited when plans came to fruition. AH is their step-dad and he never tried to bond with them or participate much in their lives. When I told my youngest (6) that we were moving to Grandma and Grandpa's house without his Dad, he said he would miss his Dad. But that's the only time he said a word about him. Again, AH wasn't very involved all along. He was also drinking and unpleasant on a daily basis. And just a few days before we left, he got drunk, screamed profanity at me and our son, and then tried to break down the door when we locked ourselves in a bedroom. My son threw up later on as a result of the anxiety. I can't say as I blame him if he enjoys no longer living with his Dad.

Again, best wishes. One step at a time and everything will fall into place.

maia1234

B,
So proud of you. The kids are young, if they are in school ask the counselor for help. They can base it on their age on what to say. I wouldn't go into detail, little kids kind of run with things. Sometimes us parents worry to much and it all falls into place.

You are doing a good thing by protecting your kids from a crazy life with an addict. I think most of us here wonder why we didn't leave earlier, it only took me 34 years, ugh!! It will all fall into place, take your time and move forward, that's all you can do. Hugs my friend, you are a very brave women/mom!!

honeypig

batchel, craigslist was a great source of cheap household items for me--two big rugs for $40 and $35 respectively, one of which is a handmade braided wool one, very decent stereo for $75, etc. You can also check to see if Freecycle has a branch near you (just google Freecycle). You can request anything you need or you can scan the offers to see if any of them are things you need. Things on Freecycle must be free, no $$ or barter, so although it may take some time, it's a great way to fill in the gaps if you're short on cash. I got a queen-size memory foam bed from there for FREE last fall, to take the place of the 20-year-old futon I'd been sleeping on!

Seren

Although perhaps not related to the logistics of moving, I find this blog entry by Cynical One may help you answer the why's of this life change for them.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...addiction.html

You and your family will be in my prayers!!

batchel9

My husband doesn't drink often and when he does his primary issue is making bad decisions (like driving). He doesn't get mean or isn't non-functional in front of the kids. Long story short, especially being so young, the kids don't know anything is wrong. Which I am happy about, but makes this situation harder. Because there will be no positive to them with this

ladyscribbler

What about the positive of having a mom who is not constantly having to worry that this will be the day daddy wakes up and decides to start drinking? I didn't realize how worn out I was until I was away from that stress. Now I have the energy and patience to be a better mom.

I hear you about moving. I'm getting ready to do that myself and looking around at all the cr@p I have to do can be disheartening. Sending support your way.

hopeful4

While I did not move, when my X moved out (well, I kicked him out, but he deserved it), and I decided to do some remodeling/moving stuff around. While I did make some significant purchases of furniture and such, I also had fun w/my kids picking paint colors, moving rooms around, making some pinterest projects, and searching the local thrift stores for a few things.

My point I guess is that it is what you make it. Don't grieve for things lost, celebrate for a new beginning!

And yes, be open and honest with the teachers and counselor at school, as well as the parents of any besties that your children may have that they spend time with. Just my two cents!

Hugs!

schnappi99

An alanon friend of mine just moved out of her house with her two sons (12 and 14) into an apartment. Her husband is the alcoholic & its the usual story; him not working or paying any bills, drunk most every day all day, mother giving him money (which he spends on booze and food), and the house is a couple months from foreclosure. These two boys are older than the OP's so they can express themselves better; the stress has shown up in lots of fighting between them, issues at school, etc. At first they were resistant to leaving their house, she explained why they had to leave; not a fit environment for kids and they needed a stable home. Its been two weeks since the move, I've been back to help with a few things and she and I talked about how the boys are responding. At this point they don't want to go back to their old house and face their dad passed out or raging- the house is full of empty beer cans and it stinks (witnessed both last time I was there to pick up furniture). The atmosphere in the new place is amazingly better. The mom has her room set up the way she likes, no more escaping from her husband. The boys have a bit less space, but a new bunkbed, clean living room, no stink and an orderly household. They are teenage boys and therefore tend to be animals at times but the hurt and uncertainty is decreased.. healing will take some time but I think its possible now.

But unless the kids in question are babies they definitely know something is wrong even if they can't articulate it or are afraid to. Kids see everything. My friend has spoken to her sons' teachers about the situation- the teachers knew something was going on so letting them know what was very helpful.

firebolt

People divorce non alcoholics all the time - kids adapt! Happy parents ARE a positive thing to children.

You might talk to the school counselor so they are aware of your situation as well.

For stuff you could post a facebook post in the garage sale groups or send a message to all of your friends. My friends post when their kids are leaving for college. We have all easily rallied up extra beds, dishes and silverware, lamps, chairs, dining tables etc. Most of us have stuff we need to get rid of and are happy for it to go to someone that'll use it!!

Best to you - congratulations on your new place - you are doing the right thing!!

Maudcat

Craigslist, Freecycle, furniture consignment stores. You can get good stuff for a fraction of the cost because the mark up on furniture is so high.
The kids are still little. They may be sad, but will soon adjust. And everyone will be happier and more relaxed.
Alcoholics are black vortises of tension and negativity. Good for you for getting out.
I would put their teachers/caregivers in the picture. Teachers can work with the kids. In a positive way if they have context.

LexieCat

My kids were a bit older when I separated from their dad (sober alcoholic, good dad, we're still friends), and the kids (both boys, ages 6 and 8) were staying with their Dad as primary residential parent. We explained together that sometimes even when people love each other, they decide it's best not to keep living together. We talked a bit about what would change, what would stay the same, and how we'd all learn to get used to it.

I think with very young kids, their biggest concern is stuff like, who will tuck me in at night? Will I still get to spend time with the other parent? Can I keep my toys and bring them with me when I visit other parent? IOW, they want to know what to expect. Some of that you might not know just yet, and if you don't, it's OK to say that. If you're not sure how visitation is going to be worked out, you can just reassure them that you both love them, but it's something you are still figuring out.

Kids are pretty adaptable, especially if they feel sure that someone will keep taking care of them no matter what. And you can certainly assure them of that.

Mlo1125

Well, I am in no position for advice, especially since minew came from you, but I do have a suggestion for furniture...that's what I do for a living. I buy or find vintage furniture that is made very well but looks like crap and refinish it, I have a space in a store that I sell out of. You can find great quality but ugly bedroom sets and other awesome pieces on letgo app, thrift stores and Facebook yardsale sites for under $100. The refinish process if you use chalk paint requires little to no prep and gets done super quickly. If you want to contact me, I'd be happy to go step by step with you for everything you need and exactly how to do it if you want to save some $$ and have beautiful furniture. ... if you want to take a look for some ideas. Actually, the name was because I started the business when I left my first husband, so just like the situation, I took shifty stuff and gave it new life, like a lemondrop, suck on the bitter to get to the sweet part, just like the song.

olivia2501

I just wanted to say I know how you feel about the young children question. I actually kicked my AH husband out in July of last year after begging for an eternity for him to stop drinking. I have given him the full 8 months to get his act together and he has not, so we are getting a divorce, I am devastated for my son, but happy for me because I am sick of it. We ahve not had the talk yet with my son, but he is well aware there is some issue. I have no idea how we will survive, I am scared to death. Hugs to you and me both.