Mlo1125

So, my Ah's relapse has gotten really bad and I think he's back in full blown addiction. I finally forced myself to find time a way to an alanon meeting today to try and really see this situation and myself clearly. I'm standing my boundaries so far, but there's one coming on Thursday that I really struggling with. He's not allowed in the house or around me or my kids drunk. When he is sober in the morning, he can come in and take a shower and get what he needs for the day and can come in and sleep if he isn't drunk. But, so far he's been drunk for the past 3 days. He wasn't bad yesterday, I let him come in and go to sleep. At some point, he snuck out. I was on the phone on with my best friend very late and actually didn't even know that he wasn't inside sleeping, when he came stumbling and drunk as hell toward the house. So, I wouldn't let him back in. He's been sleeping in his car.

I think I went about things right, but the guilt is really bad. I told him that I love him and am not angry, that I am sorry that he is hurting so badly and that I would never want to see him suffer. I said that if he decided that he wanted to get back on track and get help that I will be there for him if he reaches out, but that unless he is sober and/or in the process of getting real.help, I would not be spending any time or energy on the needs of anyone but me and my kids.

Here's where I'm struggling. On Thursday he is supposed to fly up north to visit his 9yr old son. I am his ride and his car isn't registered so he can't do it. I originally told him a few days ago that if he could not find another ride, as long as he was sober and being respectful of house rules, I would take him. But, he's been drunk every day since, flipped out when I told him he had to pass a breathalyzer when he was saying he didn't drink in order for me to let him stay inside, and ended things with me, I'm a monster and horrible and have thrown everything away when he treated me like gold and I **** all over everything. So, I told him that since he was not holding up his end and getting sober. I would not be making a 2 hrs drive to the airport just because he thinks he's entitled to my services. I feel terrible. He's so angry and is texting me the most cruel and hurtful things, things that my enemies would not even say to me.
If I dont think drive him, there's a few things that I'm worried about... 1- I promised my kids that they could have a friend stay over while he's up north. If he can't go, he will be here making all of us completely miserable and punishing me for taking his chance to see his son away from him. 2- being away from his son contributed to his depression, understandably. If I don't take him, he won't see his son until the summer at earliest and Im afraid that will do more harm and may lead to suicide.
3- if I do take him, I'm doing his son a disservice because he sees not deserve to see his father like this, even if he's not falling down drunk, he's not okay emotionally to be around a kid. Also, he's staying with his parents and they are still reeling from his brothers suicide last summer, he oder on heroine and layer down in front of a train. I don't want his mom to have to go through seeing him bad again, Noone but his sister knows about what is happening.
Also, I don't know why, I know its stupidity but I am really struggling with the fact that he will never forgive me if I don't take him. It shouldn't matter, I know, and don't even know why it bothers me so much, but it really really does if I'm going to be honest.
I guess this isn't even a matter of asking what to do, I know the answer, I should not take him. I guess I just need reassurance that it's the right thing to do? Why is it harder to NOT help and support someone who is being so cruel than it is to give in and be a doer? Cognitive dissonance sucks.

LexieCat

I know the feeling. You ARE doing the right thing by not being his shuttle service while he abuses you and takes advantage of your kindness.

I think your life would become IMMEASURABLY less complicated if you simply ended all contact until he's been sober for a substantial period of time. This bargaining over your boundaries will just keep you in this sick dance. You can adjust your boundaries at any time and he's not entitled to "notice" of that change. It's your life, your kids' lives, and you get to make the rules for you. Note that I said for YOU, not for HIM. He is entitled to drink his brains out--or not, his choice. But you get to decide what you will and will not put up with.

Mlo1125

I agree about cutting things completely. But unfortunately since this address is on his licence I can not make him.leave unless my landlord fileso an eviction notice in court. I'm hesitant because my lease gets renewed in may and I don't want to rock the boat with the landlord an cause him to not renew my lease, I can't afford to move and my kids need the stability since we just moved here in June from1200 miles away. So, I'm just trying to keep it civil and be grateful that when he's drunk at night he is too afraid to call the police to have me let him in because he thinks he will look bad. I'm trying really hard to keep him as distant from us as possible, so far my kids do not know anything is going on, I have to figure out how and what to say to them.
I am.just amazed at how I can be the love of his life and then over night, be a monster and a horrible person and have him absolutely despise me. It hurtseems alot to read what he's saying to me. I blocked the messages a few mins ago. I wish I could hate him, but I don't and kind of hate myself for loving him

Mlo1125

There is no bargaining over boundaries, they are mine and he knows the consequences if he crosses them. I have been sticking to them and he definitely does not get notice of change. Im trying to figure them.out for myself, not negotiatingredients with him about any of it. It's non negotiable. My heart has to caught up to my mind about them, but I'm listening to my mind anyway.

sauerkraut

Could he take some sort of shuttle to the airport? Is there a different option, so you're not his shuttle service? Of course that shouldn't be on you to figure out.

Nata1980

Yes, it is absolutely a right thing to do not to take him. If there is a will there is a way - surely he has friends who can take him, or he can rent a car. You are not his mum - he is a grown man and should be able take the of himself.
Why is it harder to not to "help" him - because helping stops his moaning and gets him out of your hair for a few days. Still, not the wisest approach.

I.e I shuttled XAH (who was completely high and incoherent at the time) around, looking for rehab - with DS in tow and I am still embarrassed and mad at myself about it. Should have just dumped him at the closest psych ward for detox and left it at that. He escaped first rehab, finished second and relapsed two weeks later. What a major waste of time and money (I got to foot the bill, too. Yay for little helper me!)


As for him moving out - is he refusing to move out? I know you have a fear that he won't do it - but if he is in full blown relapse he actually may welcome a chance to stay away and drink to his little hearts' content. Sorry to hear about loss of his brother - it must be insanely hard on his parents, but ultimately it is their choice to take him in. It is not like you are a better "fall guy" then them.

As far as a landlord not renewing the lease - I get the fear, but it may be unfounded. If you have been there for a while and have kids - you make for a low flight risk. Can you support yourself without your alcoholic? Focus on you and your kids - unfortunately alcoholic is at the point where it would be best to place him in hands of a higher power.

You can do this!

Seren

I'm so sorry! What an untenable and stressful situation!!

It seems as though your husband won't really get help until all doors have been closed--literally and figuratively. It seems he will always try to sneak back into the house given a chance.

When your lease renews in May, can he be removed from it? In other words, can the lease become in your name only?

maia1234

M,
You are saying you are following your boundaries, but are you? You told him if he is drunk you will not take him. It is not Thursday, and you don't know if he will be drunk. Wait till Thursday and make that decision, the only thing I say is follow through with what you say. He knows what you said and if he truly wants to see his son,and it helps his depression, he will be sober. He is a grown man, let him take consequences as a grown man. You really don't need to be making this decision.

If he chooses to drink, and you don't take him, so be it. Do not punish your child for not having a sleep over, do as planned. If he makes as scene outside call the cops and have him removed from the property, that's it. He needs to know you mean business. Also, I would warn him if he continues with the texts and abusive calls, you will block him. Plain and simple. You do not need to accept abuse.

How old are your children? It is very hard to hide "drunk" behavior from your kids. Did they wonder where dad was when he was in rehab? Do they think his drunk behavior is normal? Don't underestimate a child. Go to the adult children of alcoholics forum and see the pain these people endured with an alcoholic parent. They all knew what was going on, they just might not have discussed it with the other parent.

Stick to your guns, follow through with your boundaries. He will some day get it, hopefully. It's not your job to take care of a drunk if he chooses to drink. Hugs my friend, you are doing great. They where you down, but we can give you the strength to rebuild the wall and keep moving forward.

Mlo1125

Thank you. His name isn't on it now, I thought that was enough to be able to have the option to make him leave, I thought that was enough, all the bills are in my name and that was because he knew he had to leave if he relapsed and i was protecting myself. The state we used to live in, him not being on the lease was enough for me to personally evict him if necessary, but we moved to a new state last June and I didn't know that the law was different until 2 days ago.
We moved for a new start and it's closer to my familyou. He has a sister here, but that's it. His friends and family are all up north so he has Noone to ask for a ride. He has a set amount that was reserved for his trip that I withdrew and gave him, the rest of our money is for bills and food shopping and I moved it out of our joint account. There are no bill payments that I'm willing to sacrifice for him to use for transportation to the airport. No shuttle since it's 2 hrs away.
I'm not too concerned about being able to maintain my bills if he moves out, I earn more than him and know that I will never let my kids go hungry no matter what it takes, so finances aren't my main issue. I'll manage.
I hope he can figure something out but it doesn't look likely. Unless by some miracle, he has an epiphany and gets himself enrolled in an outpatient program today, there is no way I'm doing it after he has been so cruel. He doesn't know that I would do it if he got into a program though, I would just be thinking that he did it to get what he wants if he knew that. It has to be his decision and not based on an ultimatum.

LexieCat

No, I didn't express that very well. What I am talking about is more the fact that your boundaries call for a case-by-case determination. The boundaries are so close to what you can tolerate that you wind up having to enforce them when he's already a threat to your emotional safety. I'm suggesting you consider a broader boundary for yourself, such as, "I'm not going to live with someone who becomes drunk at any time and forces me into having to argue about coming into the house."

Have you looked into whether you might qualify for a protective order? Many of his actions, it seems, would qualify as harassment in many jurisdictions, and in many of those, that alone could be a basis for a protective order. Another option would be to discuss eviction with your landlord. If you're a tenant yourself, and his presence is interfering with your right to quiet enjoyment of your home, that might be a basis for eviction. I'm not a landlord-tenant law expert, but you could talk to one and find out.

hopeful4

I will be honest, I personally would likely give him the ride, just to get him out!

I agree with what Lexie said above!

firebolt

It will get easier!! Keep up the good work, and you will start to feel good about your boundaries.

Seriously, how hard is it for a grown ass man to get an uber. Certainly easier than it is to text you hateful things.

Oh, and if he is threatening, harassing, or intimidating you in any fashion, you have the right to block his number, and get a protection order. He might live there, but he is NOT allowed to stalk or threaten.

SaveYourHeart

Reading this post, I am in awe of your strength and resilience. You are doing so well and sticking to those boundaries!!! The struggles you are experiencing aren't stupidity, it's normal. It's normal to feel and let yourself feel.

Praying for you through this difficult time!

atalose

I think this is where your boundary is sketchy and to flexible with lots of wiggle room. Someone consuming the amount of alcohol he is consuming daily and days in a row is not sober in the morning; he is still operating with an alcohol soaked brain even if he is not consuming at that moment in time or stopped a few hours prior.

I agree with LexieCat about ending all contact until he has been sober for a substantial period of time. This come here go away will grow old rather quickly for the both of you. I would also tend to agree with hopeful4 about giving him the ride just to get rid of him for a few days except there is an innocent 9-year-old child on the receiving end of an active alcoholic. Have you thought about warning this child’s mother/family regarding the father’s current alcoholic condition so that they can make healthy decisions for the child?

AnvilheadII

this trip to see his son is SOOOOO important that he has stayed DRUNK for the past week, give or take. do you see ANY action on HIS part that demonstrates he cares about his son, you or the children????

nyet. he is showing you exactly what IS important to him. he'd rather be drunk and sleep in his car.

i know you think your kids have no idea what is going on.....believe me, yes they do. they might not know the particulars but they can sense things are VERY wrong. yes your kids might not have that sleep over this weekend, they'll live. but going the extra mile for your AH makes no sense. you don't possess the only running vehicle in the county - again IF the trip to see his son was IMPORTANT whatsover, he'd WALK to get there.

Maudcat

I hear you. Yesterday I visited my mother to find my alcoholic sib, who lives there too, spreadeagled on the kitchen floor. He was drunk from the night before, had fallen, and couldn't get up. Tried a couple of things with no success, so called the EMTs, who trundled him off to the ER.
I checked the man cave where he drinks, found a half empty handle of whiskey.
First impulse was to ditch it, but ended up leaving it. If he got back home, he would be without booze, and that we definitely don't want, as it could lead to a withdrawal seizure.
It is not always clear what we should do with the drinker. Reactions seem clear cut, but they are often very, very gray.
So here's my two cents. Good for you regarding boundaries, but....I wouldn't let him in at all. Hard with kids, I know. But I wouldn't. And I would block the abusive texts/calls. Who needs that c**p?
I would arrange transport to the airport for him and tell him that is what's happening. End of story. It will be worth it to get him gone. Sometimes we just need a break from the chuckleheads.
I would let the parent/guardian of the child he is visiting know his status. They may not like it, but that is for them to take up with him, not you.
It seems only fair to give them a heads up, for the child's sake.

dandylion

Mlo.....After reading your previous threads....it seems l ike you have some decision making to do....
About the ride to the airport....lol...I probably would take him to get him out of the way for a few days, also....Not for him...but, for you!
Then, you could use those days to find yourself a personal counselor to help you in digging into some of your own issues.....(that you have described, previously).....I know you are counting on him to get sober and be a father to your kids....but, I fear that you may be trusting your children's "security" to someone who may not be able to be that for the long term.....
It sounds like you live in a fairly rural area....that makes everything harder with children, to get to the kinds of services that you might need....
Since you are renting...? would it be possible to move closer to a more urban area....?

boundaries can, sometimes, buy you some time and space to begin to see things more clearly, for yourself....but,
soft" boundaries, alone, don't always solve the situation....

I know you want to control the situation...but, it seems like his alcoholism has evolved to a point where you are reaching your limits.....especially, with your complicated situation and the geographical inconveniences....

these are just my suggestions, based only on what you have written......