musiclady14

Hello All!

Just need a bit of a boost tonight. Away from AH for 15 days. I was doing well. Happy, looking forward to the future. My three kids are doing amazingly well.

Today. I'm not so much of a happy camper. I'm not missing him or the life I lived with him. I wouldn't go back for all the money in the world. But I'm struggling with being single for the first time in years. Yes, I essentially lived as a single parent for 7.5 years. I was still in a marriage, though. And I felt comfortable in that space. Now I'm truly a single mom. Financially, I'm doing fine so far. It's not that. It's more the 'status' of it. Not worrying about what other people think. It's simply me and how I'm feeling about it right now.

I'm feeling...I don't know. Not lonely. Not alone. Just really, really single. And it's very unfamiliar to me at this point. Being married twice means that I've been part of a couple for a good portion of my adult life.

So...any tips on embracing singledom?

NewRomanMan

Hi Musiclady. I felt exactly the same way when I realized my marriage was really over. It's a very foreign feeling to know you're really on your own now, no matter how dysfunctional you were as a married couple.
What helped me the most was talking with people who had gone thru the same thing. Many of them told me they felt exactly the same way as I did, but that it gets a little better every day. And they were right. It does feel very very odd to be single after a long time as a couple, but I think you'll find that as you gain confidence in your ability you really take command of your own life as a single person, that feeling of estrangement will begin to fade bit by bit. Granted, you will have good days and bad (at least I did and do), you will have the confidence of knowing you can not only get by day in and day out, but learn to thrive as well. Be patient with yourself. It will come. Rome wasn't built in a day =)

maia1234

ML,
We get it, but you have other "priorities". Your kids will keep you plenty busy when you are feeling lonely. Go to their events when they get acclimated in their new surroundings. This way you can meet mom' and dads. In time you will embrace being single. Take this time and find out what ML wants in life. You are not in a hurry, as you just left 2 weeks ago.

You have come so far, baby steps my friend!!

Bekindalways

I've always been single and I still often struggle so I imagine it is a huge adjustment when you are used to being married.

Big hug and keep working at it.

LexieCat

I think, as you're sensing, it's more the IDEA of being single that is odd, rather than the reality of it. It's sort of like getting a dramatic makeover with a new hair color, new hairstyle, losing weight, or whatever, and feeling like your whole life will change. Sooner or later, though, you realize that you're still the same person, for better or worse, on the inside.

So I'd say, first of all, just kind of give yourself a chance to get your sea legs. And gradually start giving yourself permission to do things you couldn't do when you were married. I did things like eat cereal for dinner, watched shows my ex couldn't stand (but I liked), decided to take a day trip on a whim. Obviously, with kids you can't be quite as spontaneous as you might be otherwise, but your kids will get a kick out of just doing something crazy for the heck of it once in a while.

I totally loved being able to make all my own rules (or break them, if I chose to).

Take your time--you shouldn't expect to feel at home with yourself immediately, but start looking for things you can appreciate having the chance to do.

Sasha1972

I had been in one relationship my entire adult life (the whole thing - from age 18 onwards), and when I left, I really had to reinvent myself as an adult human being. The feeling of being single was exhilirating (no more walking on eggshells!), weird (what are people going to think of me being single in my mid-40s?), scary (what if I fall and hit my head and no one notices for days?), and curious ( I wonder what kind of person I am or what kind of things I like, now that I am no longer half of an alcoholic marriage?). Ultimately the curiosity and the excitement won out and I discovered that I loved being single (I now have a great partner, and I love that too).

I think that leaving a marriage is a bit like the stages of grief - you cycle from one feeling to another and it leaves you not sure what you really think or who you are. Bear with the ups and downs and eventually you will discover your single, healing, new post-alcoholic-marriage self and make friends with her.

AnvilheadII

you've been "single" for two weeks. i think it takes a bit more time to adjust.

it's that not having a fall back plan......or person. i felt that when my mom died when i was 32. i had no other family, only child, uncles were useless, nor would i ask anything of them. my dad wasn't in the picture....so i became an adult orphan.

so what do you do? adjust, adapt, overcome. cuz that is what we do.

grayghost1965

Being single is actually pretty great if you can't be with the right person for you (or haven't found them). Like sobriety, it helps a lot if you find constructive things to fill the void. For some it's sports, or church or bingo or just anything that's not hurting you or others. I've started reading again, for example, and catching up on movies I've been wanting to see. I've also got back into my workshop to attend to various projects that were not gonna see the light of day with booze running the show.

hopeful4

ML...you will get usto being single. I have decided not to date anyone seriously until my kids are grown, and because I just don't have the energy at this point. I embrace spending time with friends and family, and for the first time in my adult life (we were together for 18 years), doing what I want to do for a change!!!

Hugs!

firebolt

I'm with Hopeful. I am so happy and comfortable right now that it would take someone pretty great for me to want to change my patterns, share my time, or compromise bits of my life for.

atalose

Single isn’t a status. But a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.

It’s an adjustment that takes some time to become comfortable with.

honeypig

musiclady, up until XAH and I split, I don't think I spent any significant amount of time on my own from high school days up to him moving out when I was not quite 55! I always had some kind of boyfriend, never alone for more than a few months, if that. The reason for that was that my criteria for getting involved w/someone was basically this: "Oh, you're mildly interested in me? Good enough!" Yep, some healthy relationships, built on a strong basis of shared interests, values and commitments--NOT.

I feared being single too. As I've posted elsewhere, when XAH's drinking first became apparent, I cried and cried, "oh, I don't want to be coming up on 50 and starting all over again!" My unwillingness to do that meant I got to "start all over again" at 55 instead of 50...I was scared. I just really didn't know how to do this. I hadn't ever been really single, not in 40 freaking years, and I was scared to death.

As some others here have said, once you get past the fear part, you start to feel the freedom. Some of it is in small things, while others are larger. This thread is about some realizations I'd had along those lines: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...different.html

Again, give it time. Don't know if you're a gardener or not, but think of yourself as having been transplanted. That's always a shock, and transplants need some extra care while getting established in their new location. Eventually, however, the root system expands, now that it's not constrained in a little bitty pot, and the stem thickens and grows sturdier. The branches lengthen and spread. The little leaf buds form, then expand fully, and then, miracle of miracles, it blooms!

And so will you...

teatreeoil007

Alone time is nice. There are a lot of things I like to do that are sort of solitary activities. Artistic things. Writing. I've been wired this way for quite awhile. I actually get frustrated when I don't get enough time alone. Just think, you can do whatever you darn well please without worrying about what he's up to or how he'll react. You've got your kids and that will keep you plenty occupied.

steve11694

musiclady, congratulations, you have attained functional independence.


do you play any instrument or sing?

musiclady14

Piano, violin, guitar and voice. And I have been self-employed as a private music teacher for many years. Very cathartic. ♫

steve11694

very cool. i started to play accordion at age 12 but after hearing jimi hendrix i switched to guitar. now i listen to many genres of music including opera, classical, reggae, techno.

in hs played in band. now jam for fun.

abbccj03

musiclady- did you know a quote of yours made it on the FB page of SR? Pretty neat. Hope you and kids are doing well.