Sasha1972

Married to alcoholic ex for 22 years, divorced for almost 5. Still have to interact because we have a child (who resides primarily with me), and ex wants to be an involved father (which is good). Ex's drinking has gotten worse since we split, he's now on his second divorce because of alcoholism. He's always been a mean drunk - not physically abusive, but angry, verbally aggressive, accusatory, and caustic - alcohol just flips some sort of switch in his mind.

So now, years after the divorce, when I have moved on in life in every possible way, do I still have this physical gut reaction to any interactions of dealings with him? I just had a brief exchange which turned into an accusation that I hadn't done some minor thing related to our child which I very clearly had done (and could show that I had done) - not the worst exchange by far that I've ever had with ex - and I feel like I"m going to throw up. My hands are shaking and I have to go into a meeting shortly where I'm worried that people will notice that I'm trembly.

I should point out that I'm not a shrinking violet, most people describe me as strong and confident. I extracted myself from an alcoholic marriage when it became clear that I couldn't change anything and I never looked back. I am not easily intimidated by anyone. I don't get into arguments with ex any more, I say what I have to say and then exit.

So why I am still having this physical reaction to ex being a jerk when he drinks, as I think he has been doing today? He has been a jerk for many years past and will continue to be a jerk for many years to come, unless he actually gets sober. When do I get used to it, so I can brush it off with "well, there he goes again"?

If anyone has any tips for calming oneself down in a "triggered" state, please share!

Bekindalways

Argh Sasha that sounds super rough. I haven't had that experience so can't comment.

Big hug to you.

Westexy

Hi Sasha - I really don't know the answers to your questions, but I feel for you and thank you for sharing. I am just newly out of my 20 year marriage, 24 year relationship with my AH (angry drunk) where mostly only the last four years were drunk and terrible. I can only imagine how deep the wounds are if the behavior was bad for your whole relationship. Have you tried daily meditation? I started meditating in the middle of the hard times with my husband in an effort to stay off of anti-anxiety medication and prevent panic attacks. It worked wonders for me and I had been very skeptical. It seems to work best if I do it every day, whether I feel like I "need" to or not - if I make it a habit or a practice. You may also need counseling. I plan to get some this summer.

I'm sorry I don't have more to offer but I believe there are ways to deal with the trauma.

biminiblue

Your Fight or Flight response was triggered/activated. When that happens we tend to take shallow breaths or even hold breath. I have this problem, it eventually leads to panic attacks like you are describing. It's a physiological response that can be reset with breath.

Breathe in through your nose to the count of 4, pay attention to the breath.
Hold the breath for a count of 7.
Breathe out through your mouth to a count of 8. Pay attention to the breath.

Do that several times.

theuncertainty

I've found it helpful to find a quiet place and just sit and breathe when I'm trying to get over that trembly feeling. The "box breathing" technique helps me. Sit quietly, relaxed shoulders and hands resting in your lap. Breathe in through your nose for a count of four, hold it for a count of four, exhale through your mouth for a count of 4, hold the exhale for a count of four. Focus on how you feel during each count of 4. Repeat.

Do you know what specifically is triggering? Is it his anger? Is it anger on your part for having to defend and confirm that you actually did what you were supposed to do? I'm not asking you for an answer, but if you can figure out what is triggering your response, you may be able to mitigate it.

ETA: I was writing when Bimini posted

atalose

I remember that physical gut reaction to stress very well; it is not pleasant at all. I used to get that gut reaction when I would see my ex riding in his car, riding his bike or once when he walked into a store I was in. I view it as danger, my gut telling me danger danger and not in the physical fear of them sense but the emotional one.

That has to be hard still dealing with him because of your child. Maybe try and only deal with him when you feel you are on good solid emotional ground.

Maybe taking his call or reading a text or email right before a meeting or even at work is not good. You can have some power over when you allow him to intrude into your life. Like when you are relaxed and not stressed maybe drinking a glass of wine you can then read his nonsense, listen to a voice mail, or return his call.

tomls

It sounds like rage that you are feeling. I felt it for a long time around my ex when she would say the wrong thing. It's been many, many years and I still really don't like her but I tolerate her for the kids' sake. Good luck.

FireSprite

Breathing exercises and meditation here too - it has helped tremendously with stuff like you describe.

Sasha1972

Thanks for these questions - very important. I think what is triggering my reaction is fear: fear of his anger. Some part of my lizard brain has the idea that his anger is very dangerous to me and so the body's fear systems go into overdrive. For some reason, his anger, even when it's petty and clearly misplaced, sets off alarm bells (and nausea). This does not make rational sense, because he has never physically threatened me and has no hold over me (other than our child, who is not in physical danger from him either).

For years I believed that he knew better than I did - that I was such a mess I didn't even realize I was a mess, but he did. So when he's angry now (which is most of the time) part of me still thinks "oh no, I've really screwed up in a disastrous way - he thinks I did something wrong and it must be true". Even when it's clear I haven't, and he's just gotten confused (happening more and more as the alcohol damage gets worse), that alarm bell goes off, telling me that I must have really screwed up badly to make him angry. It's still wired into my brain.

Breathing exercises are a good idea - I'll keep working on those.

Nata1980

Don't have much advice to offer as I struggle with this myself. I always used to have social anxiety around his family - his mom always made sure to get out all the pictures of ex GF out, or even invite her over when we came over as a family. The latest was that she bought some land for XAH and was insisting on giving me a tour. I was like nah. What a weirdo.

If I have to face ex - I'd rather for someone else to be there - this way he has to maintain appearances and he is the sweetest person ever when people are watching.

LexieCat

I've had that kind of heart-pounding stress reaction when I've THOUGHT I spotted an ex. In my case, it's not related to significant trauma of any kind--not even over-the-top anger expressed toward me. In my case, I think it's simply the thought of having to interact with someone I've cut out of my life.

LeeJane

Just to offer some kind thoughts of support to you.

I used to suffer a similar reaction in my body to AH. My body saw danger and released all the chemicals warning me to run away fast. However, as you say, in reality there was no danger from AH. I have nothing to fear. My logical brain knows that but my body's automatic reflex didn't.

I no longer get this Fight or Flight reaction as I soothed myself when I used to get it to reassure myself I was in no danger from him. Gradually it stopped.

My mum was very violent so I think maybe that is where it came from.

hearthealth

I get the very same reaction from a certain task I have to do. I started getting over it when I learned not to deny those feelings and start dealing with them.

I broke it down into little steps. Recognizing what components is causing me that fear and then meeting that head on in a safe environment. Taking action through deep breathing and you can get through this talk. Each time I faced it it got easier. To now I don't like it but my aversion is not so strong to it anymore.

LexieCat

You're doing your taxes right now, too?

hopeful4

Oh boy do I understand. I could have written your post.

I am currently in counseling for this as this past year I had a big backslide (been three years this year that we have been separated/divorced). I get so frustrated with myself because in every other aspect of my life I am not scared of anything really.

The continued trauma of having to deal with my X is so stressful that I cannot handle it sometimes. I get full blown panic attacks.

So, I am in counseling currently. Some aspects really help, others not as much. However, I know it's something I have to do. I am working on meditation and learning how to calm myself so I am not in a fight or flight state of being all the time. I still do things, get out of the house, even when I have to force myself to do it. I continue to live my life, a step at a time.

Best of all, the wonderful people here at SR have helped me greatly. They are familiar with my background and can help me see through my panic and fear, which is really good. I am a person who thinks of every single worst case scenario and worries to death about them, when 95% of the time, those things don't even happen. Another thing I am working on LOL.

So, that's where I am. You are not alone, I understand and feel your panic and pain.

Hugs to you.