How to cope?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1
How to cope?
Hi all,
I'm new to posting on forums or anything of the like. My husband has entered rehab for alcohol last week. There was some miscommunication and I thought he would be out in 60 days, turns out I found out today his BLACKOUT period is over in 60 days.....it's a 12 month program. He went in on a whim and we didn't even get to talk about it before he went in so I have no idea what's even going on. I just hired an attorney for him but that's all i know...
Overall, I am extremely depressed and am not sure how to cope. I know I should be happy that he is finally getting the help that he needs. and i feel so selfish for feeling the way that I do, we just had so many plans for our future this year with me graduating college and applying for law school....we wanted to start a family before I begin law school next year. Now everything feels like its been put on major hold. We obviously wont be starting a family anytime soon, im thinking i should put law school on hold. Everything has just been turned upside down and I am having such a hard time with it. I am very proud of him for going to rehab to learn the skills that he needs at the same time.
Does anyone have any ideas of how I can try to change my frame of mind or something and be able to cope with this all better?
I'm new to posting on forums or anything of the like. My husband has entered rehab for alcohol last week. There was some miscommunication and I thought he would be out in 60 days, turns out I found out today his BLACKOUT period is over in 60 days.....it's a 12 month program. He went in on a whim and we didn't even get to talk about it before he went in so I have no idea what's even going on. I just hired an attorney for him but that's all i know...
Overall, I am extremely depressed and am not sure how to cope. I know I should be happy that he is finally getting the help that he needs. and i feel so selfish for feeling the way that I do, we just had so many plans for our future this year with me graduating college and applying for law school....we wanted to start a family before I begin law school next year. Now everything feels like its been put on major hold. We obviously wont be starting a family anytime soon, im thinking i should put law school on hold. Everything has just been turned upside down and I am having such a hard time with it. I am very proud of him for going to rehab to learn the skills that he needs at the same time.
Does anyone have any ideas of how I can try to change my frame of mind or something and be able to cope with this all better?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Hi there and welcome!
Well, starting a family is not and option right now as you pointed out. I have been dreaming about a second child for years - and ex husband relapsed every two years, no child for me. I understand the frustration.
Graduating and starting law school is an option though. It is unwise to put your plans on hold in lieu of him getting better. He may get better or he may not (I hope he does).
I hope you choose to go ahead with you plans. IMO - alcoholics in early sobriety are crazier than drunk ones. Al-Anon is a great resource, keep reading these forums.
Well, starting a family is not and option right now as you pointed out. I have been dreaming about a second child for years - and ex husband relapsed every two years, no child for me. I understand the frustration.
Graduating and starting law school is an option though. It is unwise to put your plans on hold in lieu of him getting better. He may get better or he may not (I hope he does).
I hope you choose to go ahead with you plans. IMO - alcoholics in early sobriety are crazier than drunk ones. Al-Anon is a great resource, keep reading these forums.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome! What's the reason you hired an attorney for him? What's the legal problem, and why is it that you have to get the attorney?
I haven't heard of too many alcoholics going to a 12-month rehab on a "whim," so it may very well be that his problem is a lot worse than you suspect (often that's the case).
If I were you, having been in two marriages to alcoholics, I would be very, very grateful not to have started a family yet. Alcoholism is progressive, and it inevitably gets worse unless the alcoholic does the hard work of getting sober and staying that way. The odds aren't great for a first shot at recovery, but it does happen.
If I were you, I'd use this time to get involved with Al-Anon (program for families/friends of alcoholics), finish school, and start studying for the LSAT. Law school itself is a good reason to put off starting a family. Is there a rush to do it? You don't mention your age, but I had my first child at age 30, two years after I finished law school. I can't even imagine trying to cope with an infant while in law school, not to mention a spouse in early recovery (my first husband got sober a year before we got married, so he had almost eight years sober before our first child was born. I'd say it would be best to wait at least a year after he gets out of rehab, assuming he sticks with it and is continuing to do what he needs to do. But like I said, law school is pretty intense in itself, so I wouldn't be rushing into it.
I haven't heard of too many alcoholics going to a 12-month rehab on a "whim," so it may very well be that his problem is a lot worse than you suspect (often that's the case).
If I were you, having been in two marriages to alcoholics, I would be very, very grateful not to have started a family yet. Alcoholism is progressive, and it inevitably gets worse unless the alcoholic does the hard work of getting sober and staying that way. The odds aren't great for a first shot at recovery, but it does happen.
If I were you, I'd use this time to get involved with Al-Anon (program for families/friends of alcoholics), finish school, and start studying for the LSAT. Law school itself is a good reason to put off starting a family. Is there a rush to do it? You don't mention your age, but I had my first child at age 30, two years after I finished law school. I can't even imagine trying to cope with an infant while in law school, not to mention a spouse in early recovery (my first husband got sober a year before we got married, so he had almost eight years sober before our first child was born. I'd say it would be best to wait at least a year after he gets out of rehab, assuming he sticks with it and is continuing to do what he needs to do. But like I said, law school is pretty intense in itself, so I wouldn't be rushing into it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Hi and Welcome!
How to cope is a good question, but before I comment on that I have to ask if you are worried about this treatment program? Im sorry but it seems fishy to me that your husband would enter a year long rehab and not even tell you. And now the rehab is not allowing you to speak to him for 2 months? I would use the attorney and demand to talk to him. Did HE even know what he was getting into? If so, why would he not talk to you, and help map out how the next year would go for you. Household expenses, plans for a child. I mean simple things like what do you do about his car insurance ? You have an actual right to be upset over this I think. But I also understand completely that you are proud of him for going into treatment. I would be too! But we can be both ticked off and proud/hopeful/happy... I think,
If you are ok with what he did, and think he is in good hands then I think you cope by carrying on with your own plans and goals. It will benefit you, and it will end up benefiting your family one day in the future. What is there to gain by putting your plans on a one year hold? Besides you never know what will happen when a year is up.. so I would focus on the here and now.
P,S, I had to handle legal issues for my husband when he was inpatient also. He didnt even have access to a computer, or phone. He also left that rehab as it was too strict and their program wasnt helping him.
They had a blackout where I couldnt talk to him also, I used the attorney to gain access so we could talk.
The other thing that helped me to cope was therapy with a doctor who specialized in addiction medicine.
How to cope is a good question, but before I comment on that I have to ask if you are worried about this treatment program? Im sorry but it seems fishy to me that your husband would enter a year long rehab and not even tell you. And now the rehab is not allowing you to speak to him for 2 months? I would use the attorney and demand to talk to him. Did HE even know what he was getting into? If so, why would he not talk to you, and help map out how the next year would go for you. Household expenses, plans for a child. I mean simple things like what do you do about his car insurance ? You have an actual right to be upset over this I think. But I also understand completely that you are proud of him for going into treatment. I would be too! But we can be both ticked off and proud/hopeful/happy... I think,
If you are ok with what he did, and think he is in good hands then I think you cope by carrying on with your own plans and goals. It will benefit you, and it will end up benefiting your family one day in the future. What is there to gain by putting your plans on a one year hold? Besides you never know what will happen when a year is up.. so I would focus on the here and now.
P,S, I had to handle legal issues for my husband when he was inpatient also. He didnt even have access to a computer, or phone. He also left that rehab as it was too strict and their program wasnt helping him.
They had a blackout where I couldnt talk to him also, I used the attorney to gain access so we could talk.
The other thing that helped me to cope was therapy with a doctor who specialized in addiction medicine.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jriver...OH, my goodness! Thinking about a pregnancy, birth and law school...along with a husband in early recovery...all at the same time...
I think it would be easier to strap a thousand pound weight to your back and attempt to swim the English Channel....
I think it would be easier to strap a thousand pound weight to your back and attempt to swim the English Channel....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Hi jriver. Sorry to hear you are going through this! I can't imagine what a shock you must be in. I'm a lawyer myself, so know how rigorous law school is. If at all possible, I would focus on YOU and try not to re-arrange your life around him. (I think us codies have done far too much of that in the past.) Look at his time in rehab as a great opportunity for you learn how to live without the chaos and focus on law school. Also, I found great comfort in reading as much as possible. There is a pinned post with some great books.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I just hired an attorney for him but that's all i know...
we just had so many plans for our future this year with me graduating college and applying for law school....we wanted to start a family before I begin law school next year.
Overall, I am extremely depressed and am not sure how to cope.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Keep posting here. Lots of wise folks who have been through it. I agree to put the family growth on hold but not the LSAT. And get yourself to Alanon too. You will want to find out as much as you can and understand exactly what the 12 month program looks like. Especially given what I imagine will be a hefty expense for that long of inpatient.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Welcome to SR Friends and Family. I'm sorry for what brings you here, but am glad you're reaching out for support.
Keep posting and reading here. Ask questions. Vent, if you need to. Al-Anon is a great group to get IRL support from, too. But also, really, just keep on doing what you need to do each day. I know it can be so hard to keep on working through the day-to-day stuff while your partner is (temporarily) out of immediate contact. When you find your attention wandering to thoughts of him and what he's dealing with, gently re-focus yourself on what you need to do. Whatever that may be at the time. The short of it is: where he is doesn't change the fact that bills need to continue to get paid, you need to eat and study, breathe. To be completely honest, I'm not seeing any reason to put your plans for law school on hold; that's still a goal that you can work towards while you're on your own. (You would've been able to go to law school if you hadn't gotten married, right?)
You can still be supportive without putting your life on hold. Nothing he's going through right now needs your undivided attention. Nothing he's going to be learning needs you to drop everything - or anything - you're doing.
If you could look forward to the idea of having a brand new baby while starting law school (which is awesome and great and - Holy full-plate, Batman! ... or Wonder Woman
), you can make it through this next year. One day at a time. Just take care of the next step. Then look at the next one.
Originally Posted by jriveracal 
Does anyone have any ideas of how I can try to change my frame of mind or something and be able to cope with this all better?
You can still be supportive without putting your life on hold. Nothing he's going through right now needs your undivided attention. Nothing he's going to be learning needs you to drop everything - or anything - you're doing.
If you could look forward to the idea of having a brand new baby while starting law school (which is awesome and great and - Holy full-plate, Batman! ... or Wonder Woman
), you can make it through this next year. One day at a time. Just take care of the next step. Then look at the next one.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Welcome, and glad you reached out.
I also don't understand the reason for the attorney. I totally disagree with Aliciagr. The place your husband signed himself into was for his benefit, not yours. (in the long run, it will be for you and your family). He obviously is a very sick man wanting to get "well". By you enabling him and feeling that he is threatened in some way, in my opinion is wrong. He is a grown man and can make his own decisions. Sometimes us codies need to mind our own business , work on our own short comings and let people do their thing. I hate to say, but chances of him coming out of rehab and staying sober are very slim, odds are against him. Go and read on the new to recovery forum on how many times addicts try to stop drinking, before they finally stay sober.
I am sorry to be so tough on you since you are new here, but I feel you are making a big mistake. There are a lot of people on this forum who would cut off their right arm to have their addict check themselves into a rehab for 6 months or 1 year. Keep reading this forum, educate yourself about addiction. See the pain that it causes parents, siblings, children, and friends. Its a horrendous disease that if not dealt with, can eventually kill you. Please respect the rehab that he is in, don't rescue him and pray to God that he will be the lucky one and never pick up another drink again.
I also don't understand the reason for the attorney. I totally disagree with Aliciagr. The place your husband signed himself into was for his benefit, not yours. (in the long run, it will be for you and your family). He obviously is a very sick man wanting to get "well". By you enabling him and feeling that he is threatened in some way, in my opinion is wrong. He is a grown man and can make his own decisions. Sometimes us codies need to mind our own business , work on our own short comings and let people do their thing. I hate to say, but chances of him coming out of rehab and staying sober are very slim, odds are against him. Go and read on the new to recovery forum on how many times addicts try to stop drinking, before they finally stay sober.
I am sorry to be so tough on you since you are new here, but I feel you are making a big mistake. There are a lot of people on this forum who would cut off their right arm to have their addict check themselves into a rehab for 6 months or 1 year. Keep reading this forum, educate yourself about addiction. See the pain that it causes parents, siblings, children, and friends. Its a horrendous disease that if not dealt with, can eventually kill you. Please respect the rehab that he is in, don't rescue him and pray to God that he will be the lucky one and never pick up another drink again.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
