atalose

And the key words in that paragraph are…….keeping in contact with me did seem to greatly relieve the internal pain I was suffering. He’s not the fix to your pain, he’s the cause of it.

This is good but your emotional security blanket is still him. And being emotionally depend on the most damaged person in our lives is never healthy and it never allows us to grow.

ardy

want a truly honest answer for this " I have to ask, this may be him trying to "do something different" for different results. But does anyone truly believe that a severe alcoholic who has not been seriously treating his illness will suddenly get better going to outpatient for two weeks?" NO NOPE not going to happen.. for the brain that is in his head . is screwed and he will not change or retrain his brain.. sorry.. my hubby was just in ER and hospital. the minute they suggested he could go home.. game time and he had to have control. the nursing staff saw Dr. Jeckell and Eddie Lee all in one person with Mr. Hyde crawling to the top. he is not going to get better. or do a change.. any more then my hubby.. Love him to bits. but ... even a dumb animal is put out of their pain .. when the time comes.... have signed the papers this time .. if something would happen that his heart stops... my Eddie lee with the twinkle in his blue eyes and the apple in his cheek.. my Eddie lee that could have such a great laugh.. and hold me tight with everything that little girls dream of being the lady of dreams... my Eddie lee that one day soon will be no more.. and I have come to a balance with that. for I can not retrain a 62 year old male that will not change even to stay with someone he loved at one time.... sorry all.. but true from the bottom of my heart... prayers ardy

Smarie78

Thank you. But I can't take much credit as he was the one who made the decision to go to his mother's house and not interfere at mine. In other words, what would I have done if he showed up to my house? I'd like to think I'd not open the door but I don't know for sure. That's why I am not as impressed with myself, because I don't think I was really tested yet. The only thing I am not doing is asking to see him because I don't want to right now because I can't imagine going through the cycle again. I wanted to see him badly when he disappeared because I was sick with worry and also going through a kind of withdrawal (ie. intense discomfort being without him or communication with him...walking around like an alien in my own life).

But now that he is there I want him to stay there. He will eventually make his way back to the city here to another sober house, but spending the intimate time with his son he told me has opened his eyes to how much the child needs him. Whether or not that is true, he has no real excuse to be spending time with me when he has to fight this battle and be a dad (ie. if his son is going to be living with his mother/wife in the suburbs, surely this new found closeness will bring his tail over there on the weekends which is when we spent the majority of our time together). In other words....it will be interesting to see what happens in the next couple of weeks.

In the meantime I continue to look for work and found a new hobby (working out). I am still working with a therapist and trying to get help with my codependency and guilt issues. Even yesterday when I spoke to him I found myself trying to walk-back on things I was saying that he was uncomfortable with. I knew I was right in what I was saying and they were just hard for him to hear, but I caught myself struggling with my conviction again as soon as I felt his defenses up. Just trying to keep on keeping on. The physical space has been nice and the not lying to anyone has been even nicer. Now if I can just find work....I am going to try networking events this week since daily resumes into cyber-space is not working

Smarie78

And yes, he did the classic blame and rage at me when I told him he needs to do a full 180 if he wants to get different results. That his 2 weeks in outpatient is nothing in the grand scheme of things and he needs to plan long term unless he wants to die. I really let it all out and it ended with him saying, "You may be trying to do the tough love thing but I barely recognize this person talking to me right now. How dare you minimize my efforts in going to treatment just because it's a couple of weeks. Who do you think you are?".

I guess that was a good thing I said, "Good!, I don't want you to recognize me because that hasn't been working!!"

Bekindalways

^^^^^ Keep up any and all efforts to focus on yourself. The less you worry about his recovery (inpatient, outpatient, sober house, what to say to the A etc etc) and worry about your own recovery (therapist, exercise, spiritual practice, developing friendships, Alanon etc etc ) the better for all involved and more likely you are to do the right thing when he does show up at your door.

AnvilheadII

what he did was CLASSIC "change back" behavior.....it happens in any dysfunctional system....as soon as a person tries to break free and/or get better, the others will attempt to pull them back IN to the system.

How dare you minimize my efforts in going to treatment just because it's a couple of weeks. Who do you think you are?".

how DARE you? how do you think you have rights to your own thoughts, ideas, and opinions??? you are nothing, i am EVERYTHING important.

F this jerk. i mean really.....pfft.

hopeful4

Yes. This!!!

PuzzledHeart

In terms of working out and the job search.. when I moved into a new area, one of the first things I did was join the local cycling club. I did it for the cycling, but I then realized it was a fantastic way to make professional connections in a low pressure environment. Endorphins kind of do that to you, and nobody gives a flying hoot how you look like because everybody is sweaty and gross.

And I got to discover a whole bunch of beautiful places with people who are still friends with me to this day.

So there's cycling, running, skiing, rowing, hiking, dragon boat racing...

steve11694

some factors to consider op vs in house;

for op to have a chance he needs to be compliant / reliable

if he is not compliant / reliable it seems inhouse tx is more warranted.

also dependent on medical problems he might have can compound withdrawl and be dangerous.