Besties no more
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 11
Besties no more
I don't want to write too much. I've been reading stories for at least the past month which has helped me realize that I'm not alone and has given me great insight.
We were prom dates in high school. There was attraction but it was never acted upon on my end.
Now:
He smokes a lot of weed and drinks ALOT. He has 2 DUI's and a DV report, which he says isn't from touching (according to my state's law, this is correct). If I would have known this I would not have agreed to be his gf when he asked me to.
He lived with me and my family for 4 months after a drunken rampage and getting kicked out of his roommates' home. We walked home one night from the bar and we were arguing. I walked away from him because I didn't want to talk to him. Multiple times on the walk he grabbed me by my neck and threw me back away from him, telling me to stop walking away. That should have been the red flag. Any night he was drunk he'd come into my room while I was asleep and turn on my light and leave. This happened multiple times in the night until I locked my door. He even called his ex telling her he missed her because I had told him to leave one night after blocking my way and pushing my back into the room multiple times onto his bed. I asked if it made him feel better, and he said "sorta". He told me I'm the only one he's come close to hitting, and the only one he's ever put hands on.
I ended up texting my ex telling him I missed him. I had broken up with him for my high school prom date/best friend/now turned alcoholic. My ABF (alcoholic boyfriend) grabbed my phone and read my texts. He called me every name under the book. He finally moved out and I helped him, now back on decent terms. I left my phone on the counter to use the bathroom and he saw my ex text me. He yelled at me and kicked me out of his new place.
Over the months, he has repeatedly stated that he loves me and he wants to be with me forever. That we're going to get married and have kids, cuz he dates for that purpose alone; that there was no reason to pursue me if he didn't want that. He said I was the only girl that got his jokes and would play video games and watch stupid shows with him. And he loved that. He begged me to move in for months. But he would get drunk and bring up how I texted my ex and talked to my guy friends, which he considered cheating; even though I never met up with them. His silent treatment would last about a week, including his name calling. At that time I'd come over to him drunk, he'd name call me and say I broke his heart, and get back together with me. I've told his brother about it and he said he'd handle it, especially because I didn't want to go to the police.
Recently:
I spent the day at his house when he went to work to cook him a meal, do his laundry, and clean up his place. He came home and drunk some beers and some shots before watching tv. He can drink a 6 pack in one night with no problem. Then he brought up the "cheating" again. He kicked me out at 3am saying he could never love me and doesn't want to be with me. I went home and texted him that I really want him to get help because this always happens and I can't be with him unless he gets help. I thought he would see reason with this. He continued to tell me how horrible I am and that I'll never find someone. That he deserves better than me...and so on. Then he said to remember that he left me, not the other way around.
Now:
It has now been about a month since we've talked. My heart breaks every time I think about him. I end up dreaming about him EVERY night. I got so down I almost went through with suicide, until a friend helped me snap out of it. His contact info is out of my phone, stored away in an online folder in case of an emergency. I left him a voicemail a couple days ago, saying I missed him. I gave all my love to him, much more than anyone else. And I now have nothing to show for it. Coming on here reading everyone's stories makes me feel like I'm not alone. But, I miss my best friend. He's left and come back about a dozen times, but this has been the longest by far. I know I shouldn't want him back, but I do. So very much. It doesn't help that his place was almost a safe haven for me because I get tortured mentally and emotionally at home from my family as it is.
We were prom dates in high school. There was attraction but it was never acted upon on my end.
Now:
He smokes a lot of weed and drinks ALOT. He has 2 DUI's and a DV report, which he says isn't from touching (according to my state's law, this is correct). If I would have known this I would not have agreed to be his gf when he asked me to.
He lived with me and my family for 4 months after a drunken rampage and getting kicked out of his roommates' home. We walked home one night from the bar and we were arguing. I walked away from him because I didn't want to talk to him. Multiple times on the walk he grabbed me by my neck and threw me back away from him, telling me to stop walking away. That should have been the red flag. Any night he was drunk he'd come into my room while I was asleep and turn on my light and leave. This happened multiple times in the night until I locked my door. He even called his ex telling her he missed her because I had told him to leave one night after blocking my way and pushing my back into the room multiple times onto his bed. I asked if it made him feel better, and he said "sorta". He told me I'm the only one he's come close to hitting, and the only one he's ever put hands on.
I ended up texting my ex telling him I missed him. I had broken up with him for my high school prom date/best friend/now turned alcoholic. My ABF (alcoholic boyfriend) grabbed my phone and read my texts. He called me every name under the book. He finally moved out and I helped him, now back on decent terms. I left my phone on the counter to use the bathroom and he saw my ex text me. He yelled at me and kicked me out of his new place.
Over the months, he has repeatedly stated that he loves me and he wants to be with me forever. That we're going to get married and have kids, cuz he dates for that purpose alone; that there was no reason to pursue me if he didn't want that. He said I was the only girl that got his jokes and would play video games and watch stupid shows with him. And he loved that. He begged me to move in for months. But he would get drunk and bring up how I texted my ex and talked to my guy friends, which he considered cheating; even though I never met up with them. His silent treatment would last about a week, including his name calling. At that time I'd come over to him drunk, he'd name call me and say I broke his heart, and get back together with me. I've told his brother about it and he said he'd handle it, especially because I didn't want to go to the police.
Recently:
I spent the day at his house when he went to work to cook him a meal, do his laundry, and clean up his place. He came home and drunk some beers and some shots before watching tv. He can drink a 6 pack in one night with no problem. Then he brought up the "cheating" again. He kicked me out at 3am saying he could never love me and doesn't want to be with me. I went home and texted him that I really want him to get help because this always happens and I can't be with him unless he gets help. I thought he would see reason with this. He continued to tell me how horrible I am and that I'll never find someone. That he deserves better than me...and so on. Then he said to remember that he left me, not the other way around.
Now:
It has now been about a month since we've talked. My heart breaks every time I think about him. I end up dreaming about him EVERY night. I got so down I almost went through with suicide, until a friend helped me snap out of it. His contact info is out of my phone, stored away in an online folder in case of an emergency. I left him a voicemail a couple days ago, saying I missed him. I gave all my love to him, much more than anyone else. And I now have nothing to show for it. Coming on here reading everyone's stories makes me feel like I'm not alone. But, I miss my best friend. He's left and come back about a dozen times, but this has been the longest by far. I know I shouldn't want him back, but I do. So very much. It doesn't help that his place was almost a safe haven for me because I get tortured mentally and emotionally at home from my family as it is.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm glad you're here.
I'm not going to recommend Al-Anon for you, because that isn't the specific kind of help you need, I don't think. I hope you will call your local women's shelter or the National DV Hotline, because this man is, at core, an abuser. I've worked in the DV field professionally for a very long time. The drinking and the abuse are two SEPARATE issues, and the urgent matter right now, for you, is to understand what a narrow escape you have had from serious injury or worse.
I understand your feelings of connection and your dreams of a future with this guy. But it isn't SAFE. Even if he were to get sober tomorrow, he isn't safe. He has an innate sense of entitlement to physically and emotionally abuse his partner when she acts in a way that displeases him. I've seen women die whose stories started out like yours.
The fact that you invested time and emotion into the relationship doesn't mean you keep putting more into it.
Please call and talk with an advocate. They can hook you up with a counselor or with other support services to help you recover so you can walk away at the first sign of danger in the future. And ditch the "in case of emergency" folder. There is no possible emergency that makes it safe for you to call him or contact him in any way.
It doesn't matter who left whom. That wounds your pride, but all that ultimately matters is that you are safely out. Please don't jeopardize that.
I'm not going to recommend Al-Anon for you, because that isn't the specific kind of help you need, I don't think. I hope you will call your local women's shelter or the National DV Hotline, because this man is, at core, an abuser. I've worked in the DV field professionally for a very long time. The drinking and the abuse are two SEPARATE issues, and the urgent matter right now, for you, is to understand what a narrow escape you have had from serious injury or worse.
I understand your feelings of connection and your dreams of a future with this guy. But it isn't SAFE. Even if he were to get sober tomorrow, he isn't safe. He has an innate sense of entitlement to physically and emotionally abuse his partner when she acts in a way that displeases him. I've seen women die whose stories started out like yours.
The fact that you invested time and emotion into the relationship doesn't mean you keep putting more into it.
Please call and talk with an advocate. They can hook you up with a counselor or with other support services to help you recover so you can walk away at the first sign of danger in the future. And ditch the "in case of emergency" folder. There is no possible emergency that makes it safe for you to call him or contact him in any way.
It doesn't matter who left whom. That wounds your pride, but all that ultimately matters is that you are safely out. Please don't jeopardize that.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 48
Hey Lovebug,
I found this site a few days ago and I am so glad I did. Even though it's only been a few days I already feel so much better! I have learned SO much from these wonderful people. They will answer all of your questions without judging you. Please read as much as you can and read my first thread - I Know I Matter, Too. Lots of truths from recovered alcoholics that helped me make sense of everything.
Regarding your situation - you say you miss your best friend. I know my best friend would not treat me the way this man treats you. My best friend loves me unconditionally. She has been my rock through many sad and scary times. My ex alcoholic fiancé became my worst enemy in the end. I'm understanding now why and it was not my fault.
Be strong.
Stay and read all you can.
PC
I found this site a few days ago and I am so glad I did. Even though it's only been a few days I already feel so much better! I have learned SO much from these wonderful people. They will answer all of your questions without judging you. Please read as much as you can and read my first thread - I Know I Matter, Too. Lots of truths from recovered alcoholics that helped me make sense of everything.
Regarding your situation - you say you miss your best friend. I know my best friend would not treat me the way this man treats you. My best friend loves me unconditionally. She has been my rock through many sad and scary times. My ex alcoholic fiancé became my worst enemy in the end. I'm understanding now why and it was not my fault.
Be strong.
Stay and read all you can.
PC
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 8
I think you need to work on yourself. I have tolerated many relationships like that and it was low self esteem. You deserve better. You Can find someone who will love you and treat you like a queen that you deserve. Good luck!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I gave all my love to him, much more than anyone else. And I now have nothing to show for it.
This is not about him or his alcoholism this has everything to do with you and your issues. And how to discover what those issues are and how to address them so that never again will you allow someone to treat you so badly while you mistake it for love. Knowing and seeing all of the many RED FLAGS, you continued to proceed and invest in someone and continued to invest in someone who clearly was not investing back to you. You continued to accept unacceptable behavior.
I think the smartest thing you did for yourself was to go no contact and remove him from contacts on your phone.
Building your own self-esteem, caring enough about yourself and your future should be a goal. Seeking professional help with that would be great especially if thoughts of suicide are or were ruminating with in your thoughts. Learning about what healthy love is vs fantasy love. Life is a learning process, and unfortunately, part of that learning comes from feeling hurt feeling rejected and understanding our own part in the situations, we place ourselves in.
I hope you stick around here and keep posting but more so I hope you reach out for some professional help. Someone who can guide you to get onto a healthier path moving forward.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
Agree with the other posters. Please seek some professional help. You deserve far better then anything this man is capable of offering you. He is very ill and has too many difficult issues of his own to be able to offer you anything but misery at this point in his life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Lovebug,
Glad you found us; there is many years of experience on this site. I agree with all the other posters, he by no means is your best friend. If your sister told you, what you just posted, what would you tell her?
I believe you were in a very abusive relationship. He has gifted you by walking away. You sound like a sweet, caring, brave women who deserves love and respect, nothing you are getting from him. I hate to say but the violence will only escalate, over time, as it has.
Please take care of yourself, seek help. Keep posting, we all care and want whats best for you.
Glad you found us; there is many years of experience on this site. I agree with all the other posters, he by no means is your best friend. If your sister told you, what you just posted, what would you tell her?
I believe you were in a very abusive relationship. He has gifted you by walking away. You sound like a sweet, caring, brave women who deserves love and respect, nothing you are getting from him. I hate to say but the violence will only escalate, over time, as it has.
Please take care of yourself, seek help. Keep posting, we all care and want whats best for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hi, Lovebug. Big hugs if OK. Good work on reaching out for support both here and with your suicidal ideations. Asking for help can be really hard. It can also be really hard to stop those daydreams of a life together, which can bleed over into dreams. I married my ABF. (He is now my AXH: alcoholic ex-husband - or abusive ex-husband) When we started dating and living together, there was nothing that I would point to at that time and say "*This* is abuse." Looking back now, I can see it. I can point at *this* and *that* and a whole slew of other behaviors as controlling and abuse. Looking back, I can see the progression from "just" controlling behaviors to physical and sexual abuse. Yet, he never hit me. And still, after I left him, I still wanted a life with him. "If only..." We could be a happy family, "if only...."
It took a bit of time and work on my part to re-frame that picture of the life I wanted. I had to realize I could still have the life I wanted, I just couldn't have it with him.
I agree with Lexi. There's no reason to keep his number. There's no way he is actually a safe place for you. From time to time, his place might offer the illusion of being better than home with your family, but he is not safe. His drinking is not the cause of his abusive behavior; it is merely a sometimes co-occurring event.
Can you contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1800-799-7233 or thehotline.org)? or Love is Respect (loveisrespect.org)? or a local DV resource? (Both the Hotline and Love is Respect also offer online chat if you don't feel safe calling.) They won't tell you what you have to do, but they can help you safety plan or find resources. They can point you in the direction of options you might have that you may not have considered previously. Local resources usually offer support groups and can help you find counseling when you're ready.
All you have to do right now is breathe. Please feel free to let us know if you have any questions - or want to talk. Take gentle care.
It took a bit of time and work on my part to re-frame that picture of the life I wanted. I had to realize I could still have the life I wanted, I just couldn't have it with him.
I agree with Lexi. There's no reason to keep his number. There's no way he is actually a safe place for you. From time to time, his place might offer the illusion of being better than home with your family, but he is not safe. His drinking is not the cause of his abusive behavior; it is merely a sometimes co-occurring event.
Can you contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1800-799-7233 or thehotline.org)? or Love is Respect (loveisrespect.org)? or a local DV resource? (Both the Hotline and Love is Respect also offer online chat if you don't feel safe calling.) They won't tell you what you have to do, but they can help you safety plan or find resources. They can point you in the direction of options you might have that you may not have considered previously. Local resources usually offer support groups and can help you find counseling when you're ready.
All you have to do right now is breathe. Please feel free to let us know if you have any questions - or want to talk. Take gentle care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 11
He replied to my voicemail that I left him several days later, calling me the horrible names again and saying he wanted nothing to do with me, all via text. I told him that he can hate me all he wants, but I care about him and hope that he gets help. This went on for about an hour around 2am-3am. It really sucked.
I woke up the next morning to a text saying he was sorry. I told him I knew it wasn't him but the alcohol. My stupid self wanted to see him so I asked if he needed a ride. So I went over and it was obvious that he had missed me. The physical space between us was too much for him and he hugged me. We hooked up and I took him to work. He wanted me to come by after he got off, but I said I had to work. I don't have a job yet, but I didn't want to fall right back into a routine.
Today I went over again and he confessed to hooking up with his ex and this other girl who's number he had gotten while standing right next to me. He told me he doesn't just hook up with girls, that it all has meaning and string attached. So he obviously wants to fix things. We started arguing about how I would text guys and hang out with guys, and he doesn't like that. He may be insecure. Especially cuz I was texting my ex during the first 5 months; I don't normally trust early on in the relationship. He basically doesn't want me around guys or texting them or we can't be together. I don't know how to make a compromise to this. I get why he's upset, but I don't want to hurt him. He said it still bothered him, even to this day that I did that. He had the habit of going through my phone when I wasn't around it as well.
I took him to work and he kisses me before going. We have a lot of laughs, but I'm not sure what to do. Part of me wants to run, the other part is so hooked. I want him to meet me halfway. I used to sacrifice so much for him. I also consulted a psychic 2x that has been right about him returning to me on specific dates. He just can't move past my texting which he considers cheating. I know I need therapy, I'm looking into it. Idk if he should get it alone or we should do couples therapy as well.
When he saw me, he thought someone hit me cuz I had broken blood vessels in my eyes. I didn't deny or confirm and it really pained him that someone would do that to me. He was acting like he wanted to know who did it so he could handle it. I eventually told him and I could see he was relieved.
I woke up the next morning to a text saying he was sorry. I told him I knew it wasn't him but the alcohol. My stupid self wanted to see him so I asked if he needed a ride. So I went over and it was obvious that he had missed me. The physical space between us was too much for him and he hugged me. We hooked up and I took him to work. He wanted me to come by after he got off, but I said I had to work. I don't have a job yet, but I didn't want to fall right back into a routine.
Today I went over again and he confessed to hooking up with his ex and this other girl who's number he had gotten while standing right next to me. He told me he doesn't just hook up with girls, that it all has meaning and string attached. So he obviously wants to fix things. We started arguing about how I would text guys and hang out with guys, and he doesn't like that. He may be insecure. Especially cuz I was texting my ex during the first 5 months; I don't normally trust early on in the relationship. He basically doesn't want me around guys or texting them or we can't be together. I don't know how to make a compromise to this. I get why he's upset, but I don't want to hurt him. He said it still bothered him, even to this day that I did that. He had the habit of going through my phone when I wasn't around it as well.
I took him to work and he kisses me before going. We have a lot of laughs, but I'm not sure what to do. Part of me wants to run, the other part is so hooked. I want him to meet me halfway. I used to sacrifice so much for him. I also consulted a psychic 2x that has been right about him returning to me on specific dates. He just can't move past my texting which he considers cheating. I know I need therapy, I'm looking into it. Idk if he should get it alone or we should do couples therapy as well.
When he saw me, he thought someone hit me cuz I had broken blood vessels in my eyes. I didn't deny or confirm and it really pained him that someone would do that to me. He was acting like he wanted to know who did it so he could handle it. I eventually told him and I could see he was relieved.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You are playing games with him, and you're playing with fire. He's continuing his abusive behavior and you're excusing it because he drinks. Drinking is NOT an excuse. He's exhibiting classic controlling behavior with the jealousy over texting while he "hooks up" with various women (I sincerely hope you are practicing safe sex).
I think the therapy is a great idea, but your number one priority should be to stay away from this guy. I'm afraid you are going to be seriously injured--and I'm not being dramatic. If you wonder about the actual danger involved, I am going to suggest you check out this threat assessment tool: MOSAIC. This is a tool used by some professionals to assess the risk of a particular individual for committing acts of potentially lethal violence against a particular intimate partner. Click the button for Male DV Offender, and answer the questions. I think you might be in for a surprise.
I think the therapy is a great idea, but your number one priority should be to stay away from this guy. I'm afraid you are going to be seriously injured--and I'm not being dramatic. If you wonder about the actual danger involved, I am going to suggest you check out this threat assessment tool: MOSAIC. This is a tool used by some professionals to assess the risk of a particular individual for committing acts of potentially lethal violence against a particular intimate partner. Click the button for Male DV Offender, and answer the questions. I think you might be in for a surprise.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 11
Thank you for that assessment tool. The questions really opened up my eyes. And apparently my personality is one of a fixer. But it seems like in the beginning there's nothing to fix so I'm not sure how that could be. Maybe cuz I stay when I shouldn't?
I told him that things can't continue this way and something has to change. I don't like to be controlled so he's going to have to come up with a compromise. I get his jealousy/trust issues, but he can't hold it over my head forever. I'm going to look up those resources you mentioned above as well and have a chat online. My university has free counseling with those getting their license hours, so I'll do that. Unfortunately, my professor is the head of the counseling center, so I wouldn't want to go to him.
I told him that things can't continue this way and something has to change. I don't like to be controlled so he's going to have to come up with a compromise. I get his jealousy/trust issues, but he can't hold it over my head forever. I'm going to look up those resources you mentioned above as well and have a chat online. My university has free counseling with those getting their license hours, so I'll do that. Unfortunately, my professor is the head of the counseling center, so I wouldn't want to go to him.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, since you found the assessment tool enlightening, I'm going to recommend one more resource that helps to explain why your insistence that he "change" is not going to fix the problem (whatever he says or does, short of entering into a batterers' intervention program): Why Does He DO That by Lundy Bancroft. It's easy to order from Amazon or other retailer, pick up in your local bookstore, or find in your local library. READ IT. Many, many members here say they didn't "get" the whole abuse thing--or even to recognize that what they were experiencing was abuse--until they had read it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Northwest U.S.
Posts: 778
Lovebug7: From your posts, I presume that you are a relatively young woman and it appears as though your investment in this man is measured in months. Think back to your days in high school, when you this boy was your prom date. Did you envision a life with someone who physically and emotionally abused you? Did you yearn for a life with an alcoholic? No and no. This man isn't safe. Get out. Get away. Protect yourself. Move on, no matter how hard it might seem to be. The chances of this guy changing to become someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with are exceptionally small. And even if he makes changes, then what? Oh, hi, this is my boyfriend/so/partner/husband, he beat me a few times in the first months of our relationship, he cheated on me many times over, he emotionally abused me over and over, but he hasn't done those things for the past few months? This man hasn't even admitted his abuse or alcoholism.
There is a happy ending for you. It doesn't involve this man.
There is a happy ending for you. It doesn't involve this man.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
He replied to my voicemail that I left him several days later, calling me the horrible names again and saying he wanted nothing to do with me, all via text. I told him that he can hate me all he wants, but I care about him and hope that he gets help. This went on for about an hour around 2am-3am. It really sucked.
Today I went over again and he confessed to hooking up with his ex and this other girl who's number he had gotten while standing right next to me. He told me he doesn't just hook up with girls, that it all has meaning and string attached. So he obviously wants to fix things.
I agree, there is no positive future for you with this person.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
