Need to vent
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Need to vent
Ok. Very upset. Hope I make sense.
First of all, I left AH almost 2 weeks ago. While married to him, he had, by his own choice, eventually stopped communicating with his narcissistic mother and entire dysfunctional family plus several "friends" who were more like enemies. That included his 19-year-old daughter and her now 8-month-old daughter (who he had never met). I had encouraged him to keep in touch with his daughter but he chose not to. He hadn't talked to any of these family members or other toxic people from our old area for years. All I heard was negativity about them, much of it warranted. It was his choice to disconnect from all of them. In most ways, it was a good choice in terms of his emotional well-being.
This weekend, I heard thru the grapevine that he drove 7 hours to see his daughter and granddaughter. That's all well and good. But he also visited his narc family. His mom is the reason that he has emotional issues and, quite possibly, started drinking in the first place. She has done him and I so much harm. Anyway...a friend told me that he has friended his family on FB, as well as several ex-friends that he absolutely hated on for years. I realize that he's lonely...but why go back to those who've done nothing but harm you and your loved ones? All they want is to pick up some gossip from his life and spread it around. Plus I know he'll be telling everyone that I kept him from seeing them and communicating with them. He has used that story in the past. I'm always the scapegoat. What did I do? Continually hold on to his keys and phone? Threaten him if he tried to contact them? Come on...he's a grown man making his own choices. Anyway, it's as though all those years of positivity in their absence were just undone in an instant. Why would anyone subject themselves to that? No...it's not my business and doesn't directly affect me anymore. But it's as though he destroyed all the work to remove those toxic people from his life without so much as a thought!
Secondly...so he drove 7 hours to see the daughter he has ignored for years, despite me encouraging him to stay in touch with her. Here's the kicker. She lives 20 minutes from where I now reside. In 2 weeks, he hasn't asked to see or talk to our 6-year-old son. And he was right down the road for 2 days and not likely to return again for some time. Although I see it as a blessing in so many ways, and our son hasn't once asked about or mentioned AH in 2 weeks, I am in disbelief at his behaviour.
First he runs back to every single person who hurt him and messed him up in the course of his life. People he couldn't stand and couldn't be bothered with for years. I know it's fake and insincere on all sides. They'll be twisting the knives in each other's backs soon enough. But now he's ignoring our son. Of course, my little guy doesn't know that his Dad spent the weekend a few minutes away. And he's better off without him anyway. But I truly wonder what is going on in his head! Screwy! I would never be lonely enough to rekindle relationships with people who hurt me as deeply as my AH was hurt by these ones, family and friends alike. And there would be nothing that would ever keep me from any of my children. Ever. It's like AH has never truly connected with anyone. It's all shallow and superficial. Easy to take people or leave them. I don't know. I think it comes from never having bonded with his narcissist mother. Anyone else experience this or maybe understand it? Deep breath in, let it out, repeat. Calming down. Just a minor glitch. Thx for reading.
First of all, I left AH almost 2 weeks ago. While married to him, he had, by his own choice, eventually stopped communicating with his narcissistic mother and entire dysfunctional family plus several "friends" who were more like enemies. That included his 19-year-old daughter and her now 8-month-old daughter (who he had never met). I had encouraged him to keep in touch with his daughter but he chose not to. He hadn't talked to any of these family members or other toxic people from our old area for years. All I heard was negativity about them, much of it warranted. It was his choice to disconnect from all of them. In most ways, it was a good choice in terms of his emotional well-being.
This weekend, I heard thru the grapevine that he drove 7 hours to see his daughter and granddaughter. That's all well and good. But he also visited his narc family. His mom is the reason that he has emotional issues and, quite possibly, started drinking in the first place. She has done him and I so much harm. Anyway...a friend told me that he has friended his family on FB, as well as several ex-friends that he absolutely hated on for years. I realize that he's lonely...but why go back to those who've done nothing but harm you and your loved ones? All they want is to pick up some gossip from his life and spread it around. Plus I know he'll be telling everyone that I kept him from seeing them and communicating with them. He has used that story in the past. I'm always the scapegoat. What did I do? Continually hold on to his keys and phone? Threaten him if he tried to contact them? Come on...he's a grown man making his own choices. Anyway, it's as though all those years of positivity in their absence were just undone in an instant. Why would anyone subject themselves to that? No...it's not my business and doesn't directly affect me anymore. But it's as though he destroyed all the work to remove those toxic people from his life without so much as a thought!
Secondly...so he drove 7 hours to see the daughter he has ignored for years, despite me encouraging him to stay in touch with her. Here's the kicker. She lives 20 minutes from where I now reside. In 2 weeks, he hasn't asked to see or talk to our 6-year-old son. And he was right down the road for 2 days and not likely to return again for some time. Although I see it as a blessing in so many ways, and our son hasn't once asked about or mentioned AH in 2 weeks, I am in disbelief at his behaviour.
First he runs back to every single person who hurt him and messed him up in the course of his life. People he couldn't stand and couldn't be bothered with for years. I know it's fake and insincere on all sides. They'll be twisting the knives in each other's backs soon enough. But now he's ignoring our son. Of course, my little guy doesn't know that his Dad spent the weekend a few minutes away. And he's better off without him anyway. But I truly wonder what is going on in his head! Screwy! I would never be lonely enough to rekindle relationships with people who hurt me as deeply as my AH was hurt by these ones, family and friends alike. And there would be nothing that would ever keep me from any of my children. Ever. It's like AH has never truly connected with anyone. It's all shallow and superficial. Easy to take people or leave them. I don't know. I think it comes from never having bonded with his narcissist mother. Anyone else experience this or maybe understand it? Deep breath in, let it out, repeat. Calming down. Just a minor glitch. Thx for reading.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 91
Music, alcoholism is a family disease and a progressive disease. It looks as though his is progressing as it should . I would suggest Alanon to you to get your focus back on you where iwill do the most good. His mind is being transformed into something not relatable to a normie. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. Work on getting your life where you want it to be for both yourself and your child. If you obsess about his life it will put yours on hold. Been there more than once and am getting quite good at taking care of my business primarily, thanks to Alanon. Hugs and best wishes to you and your son.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Vent away. And then, as Sissyfuss suggested, get back on track. Nothing you can do to change him, and anyway, this is the sort of thing that got you out the door, right? The sooner you start expecting VERY little from him in the way of responsible behavior, the less aggravation and resentment you will experience.
Hugs,
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear MusicLady
I have learned that we choose relationships that we think we deserve. your ex is going back to people he feels comfortable with. He wants to be with them, or he wouldn't drive 7 hours to go see them.
Like others have said here, let it go. You didn't cause it, you can't control it. you can't cure it.
I have learned that we choose relationships that we think we deserve. your ex is going back to people he feels comfortable with. He wants to be with them, or he wouldn't drive 7 hours to go see them.
Like others have said here, let it go. You didn't cause it, you can't control it. you can't cure it.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You definitely need to let this go. Focus on you, and your children. Get yourself counseling with a counselor who specializes in addiction if you have not already.
Eventually it will be easier to let these things go, this is very new to you. Keep your face to face support active and focus on the things you can control.
Hugs.!
Eventually it will be easier to let these things go, this is very new to you. Keep your face to face support active and focus on the things you can control.
Hugs.!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I'd stop finding out what he is doing and focus on yourself. It's sad he didn't see your son but maybe for the best in the long run. It's not done my kids any good watching the alcoholic progression of their dad. One son said to me today it would have been great to have a sober loving dad he could count on instead of the nightmare he's ended up with. I'd have done anything to spare them seeing that.
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