Ladybird579

cos she found out my exah has been introducing one of my son's to all his new found rehab friends. It's not a normal rehab with people sincerely wishing to recover. It's a court ordered one. Am not a snob or homophobic. ( exah has a boyfriend from the rehab) Who ex has relationships with is not my concern but my daughter has got me thinking now.

I don't want my sons involved with his "friends". Genetically they could end up like him if they see it as an attractive path. They are still impressionable. Am aware that coaa have a hard row to hoe when they grow up. Both my boys are still processing what living with exah has done to them. Meeting drug users and alcoholics who are barely in recovery ( or pretending they are to avoid a stiffer sentence) seems wrong to me. Some of them have done awful things while under the influence. My exah seems to have no awareness or care of protecting our sons from any danger.

However they are just 18. Ex knows I have no say. He's laughing at me. Why is there never any protection for our precious children?

LexieCat

I thought they currently weren't seeing him?

Your boys are adults. And, frankly, I'd be surprised if they found these people "attractive." Just because he introduces them to the people he associates with doesn't mean they are gonna find being a drug addict with legal problems "cool." They are put off by their dad's behavior, right? Would meeting numbers of people just like him make that behavior more acceptable?

Suppose your ex weren't an alcoholic, and he hung out on weekends with business people. Would you send your kids over there in the hope they would emulate those people?

I think you're letting yourself get a bit carried away, here. This doesn't seem to be a well-grounded fear.

Ladybird579

I thought they currently weren't seeing him?

One's not. One said he wasn't but got sucked back in. He is aware of the fact that once his dad starts drinking again ( and he will) he will be dropped like a hot potato. I take your point about them not finding these people cool and yes they hate how their dad acts both in public and private. My main fear is he will alienate me from the boys like he did most of my other children. He has a classic way of bending everything to be my fault. ie he said he was sorry he hadn't seen them on their 18th but I hadn't allowed him to visit. The truth was he was on a bender and awol for 3 months and didn't bother with them at all. These facts get muddied as time goes on and the truth is not always remembered.

I am probably worrying unnecessary tho but I've seen how he manages to mess up life. My life is only just getting back on track and sometimes I wonder if divorcing him was worth it for the financial and housing hit we took when he is still causing problems. Now I live in a tiny flat on welfare and he is still around, still being a complete an utter pain. I know the only peace we will ever get is when he is dead and then I feel bad for thinking that.

aliciagr

I understand your worries over it Ladybird. Addiction they say is part genetic, but its also related to a persons influences, experiences, and a host of other factors that are somewhat "controlled". The way people process things in different manners due to their emotions and cognitive skills. So I think its normal for a mom to want to make sure her kids are not exposed to things that might not be healthy. It doesnt look like there is much you can do about it at the moment. Although, I have a couple of positive thoughts on it. One is that sometimes we need to be exposed to things like this so we can develop a strong opinion against it... and I think from your posts.. you have been a good influence and would be more than willing to discuss basically what you have just posted here with the kids. The dangers of alcohol and drugs, what it can do to a person, losing control of your life and being court ordered into treatment (not pretty. my husband experienced that for a bit, and no he didnt want to be there in that place - you are correct it happens), But you can share your own personal experiences, and always be there to talk to them and listen. I dont think your ex has much to laugh about. He is the one in need of treatment, and I hope you are the one cozy in your home tonight watching a good movie.

hopeful4

Be glad said child is 18 years old and can make the decision to drop him like a hot potato when (and you are right, he will) he drinks. For my children, seeing people like that just disgust them even more.

I would focus on gently speaking with your child in a non confrontational way. You are right, there are no protections for our children, so we have to educate them the best we can, that's the best thing you can offer to them. And showing them healthy relationships so they have healthy role models.

Ladybird579

My son has seen exah nearly everyday recently. We had a calm chat and I explained my fears to him being around ex and his friends. My son said his dad is a part time one. He has discussed the fact that when his dad drinks he won't bother with him and his dad has admitted this. My son says his dad knows he won't stay sober when he comes out of rehab so they are making the most of the time they have now. I did point out that he was accepting crumbs but he said he didn't mind cos he was getting some good memories to over ride all the bad ones. They are going bowling tomorrow. Exah has never taken him bowling in his life.

LexieCat

Let your son navigate his own relationship with his dad. He has the right to make any good memories he's able to make, and to take the chance on being hurt. You've expressed to him your concerns. I think that's all you, as a mom, can reasonably do.