I am Willing to vs I Want to

Old 03-25-2017, 11:31 AM
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I am Willing to vs I Want to

Recently, and I can't remember where, I read a piece about the difference between "I am willing to" and "I want to." At first glance, it seemed to me that "I am willing to" was a much weaker statement than "I want to." "Willing" seemed to imply that I would do the thing, I could do it, it was possible, but there was no burning desire to do it, while "wanting" did carry that tone of desire and passion. Gosh, wasn't it way better to WANT to do something than to be WILLING to do something?

Well, as it turns out, no, not so much. I want plenty of things: I want my house to be clean, I want to be in better shape, I want to have more time for my hobbies/avocations. And wanting gets me how far? Not far at all, unless I am also WILLING. Willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish what I want.

For that orderly house, am I willing to get out the vac regularly, do the dishes and make my bed every day? For better health, am I willing to shop for whole, unprocessed foods and spend time cooking, willing to get out for some kind of exercise no matter what? For more time for what I enjoy, am I willing to spend less time on the computer (ack!), willing to work efficiently and not let myself get distracted when taking care of necessities before picking up the crochet hook or sitting down at the spinning wheel?

Unless I'm willing, "I want" gets me nowhere at all, whether we're talking about daily business or crawling out from under a crushing load of dysfunction and fear.

Here is one reading on this topic from the website "Maximum Strength Positive Thinking" found here: I am willing to do whatever it takes.

Positive change isn’t a matter of the will. Rather, it’s a matter of being willing to do whatever it takes. When I am not willing, no matter how much I say I want to change, it will not happen. I am only playing a word game, and everyone understands what I am saying.

The difference between the will and being willing is great. Making my dreams come true doesn’t require an iron will. I don’t need an indomitable spirit before I start the journey. I don’t need to spend years pumping myself up in preparation for the moment that will takes over, sweeps me off my feet, and carries me to total victory. That is a fairy tale of the will. No one has a mountain of will that sweeps away all opposition.

I don’t need a massive will to succeed. I do need a willingness to do whatever is required to make my dreams happen. Although I don’t have an iron will, I do have a willingness to work around or go through, over, or under whatever obstacles get in the way. This is a quiet willingness. Eloquent speeches of dramatic resolve aren’t part of the script. I simply get on with the business of living my dreams. Every day I focus on my purpose and act on my plan, because I am willing to do whatever it takes to make my dreams come true.


I never understood why steps 8 and 9 were 2 distinct steps, or why 6 and 7 were separate, either. Why was there a separation between becoming willing to make amends and actually making the amends? Why would we have to be "entirely ready" for our HP to remove our defects before we asked for it to be done? I think I begin to understand that now.

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Old 03-25-2017, 01:40 PM
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You are on target here. Without the willingness to admit I'm an addict or codependent, no progress is possible. When I know I'm less than 100% willing, I've prayed: "I'm willing to be willing to .......... (turn it over, let it go).
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Old 03-25-2017, 03:33 PM
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I think that becoming willing is huge. It is so easy for me to stay entrenched in my old, tired resentments. When I become willing to let them go, it is as if a great burden has been lifted from me.
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Old 03-25-2017, 04:58 PM
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This is written very lovely. Appreciate the timing also because I was saying something similar, but not phrased as eloquently on a thread I made the other day about discussing things with my Mother In Law.

This was another reason I had thought it would be helpful if his mom could participate in a Family Therapy session, or even be included in a session with husbands addiction doctor. Because then we might come to some mutual understanding that "desperate" really means "taking this very seriously and having desire to make changes" and "willing to do anything" might be better stated as " willing to put together a treatment plan, and being open to adjusting that plan if it doesnt appear to be working successfully".
Its valid for myself & for my husband as we are both trying to make self improvements. I feel like my willingness ebbs and flows, but I think its normal as Im human and not a machine set to "on". Another great thing is that success in working my plan, has made me feel better and that in itself motivates me to continue on.

But, I have had to make changes to my original plan: edit, add, discard some things. I think it takes willingness to do this also.. and wisdom.

Nice post, thanks for sharing it
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Old 03-26-2017, 02:48 AM
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Originally Posted by aliciagr View Post
But, I have had to make changes to my original plan: edit, add, discard some things. I think it takes willingness to do this also.. and wisdom.
I agree, alicia--many, many times my willingness was stymied by my UNwillingness to move forward unless I had the perfect plan plus an answer for any problem that might arise. I needed to see exactly how things were going to go, to know that if THIS happened, I would do THAT, and to know precisely how it would all end up. Of course, this didn't allow much progress to be made, as you might imagine.

Now, I would never say a plan is unnecessary, quite the opposite, in fact. But that plan can't be rigid; as you say, there needs to be a willingness to edit, add and discard when conditions or situations arise that could not have been foreseen.

In AA, they talk about being "on the beam." Here's a link to an explanation of that term: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...emmet-fox.html

I'd like to add to that something that I read elsewhere about that beam and how it's used for navigation. While it's true that the plane's nav system steers by set coordinates, the plane does NOT just lock on and fly a straight, unswerving path to its destination. There are constant tiny course corrections to account for wind and so on. In reality, the plane spends very little time right ON the path and most of the time CLOSE TO the path, not actually on it but heading that direction. It's not hard to imagine--think about driving your car. Constant small movements of the steering wheel b/c of bumps, potholes, larger vehicles, pedestrians near the curb, narrowing of the road, etc., right?

I do think of this when I feel frozen in place, unable to decide. I have to become willing to accept the uncertainty, willing to move ahead even knowing that my plan isn't perfect and won't/can't cover all contingencies. I have to be willing to believe that the answers to those unforeseen problems will be shown to me when I need them, even though I can imagine neither the problem nor the solution right now.

Man, it's a lot to ask of a mere human being, isn't it? But you know, when I've been able to do it, it sure does seem to work...
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Old 03-26-2017, 04:33 AM
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What a nice way to look at it, would have not thought of it in terms of flying a plane. But when I think about it, geesh there are a lot of things I do in life where Im constantly making small adjustments and doing it almost without conscious thought. When Im driving my car, or even cooking a recipe.

I like the story about the beam also. It reminds me of the story of Footprints in the Sand which is something Ive fallen back on many times when I felt lost and confused in this journey. I feel like I may not have all the answers, but as I seek them, create my plan, make my adjustments, and enjoy my success - the core of it always comes from my beliefs and faith.

Thanks Honeypig. What a nice reminder as its Sunday Morning here and I will be off to church services before long.
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Old 03-27-2017, 08:23 AM
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Great post!! It reminds me of the reading I've been doing about "Compliance vs. Surrender" & the difference in the mental processes:

Dr. Harry Tiebout explained the difference between alcoholic submission and surrender. He wrote:

"In submission, an individual accepts reality consciously, but not unconsciously. He accepts reality as a practical fact that he cannot at the moment conquer reality, but lurking in the unconscious is the feeling: ‘there'll come a day.’ True surrender, on the other hand, is acceptance on both a conscious and unconscious level, which allows us to put the conflict to rest and move on to other parts of our recovery. In fact, it allows us to forget the conflict and no longer be troubled by it."
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Old 03-27-2017, 11:13 AM
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For me wanting to vs. willing to when it comes to making a big change doesn't happen until the situation I am in is and has been unbearable for an extended period of time and when I have pretty much exhausted all other options. When I finally commit to a change I do that as whole heartedly as I engaged in my unhealthy behavior which I also did with vigor
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Old 06-04-2017, 05:47 AM
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bumping up for those who missed the first round.
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Old 06-05-2017, 02:31 PM
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yes - so very true.....as I was reading it I always thought willing meant you desire more than just to "want" it, but that you are "willing" to do the work. It's amazing that for as much as I sometimes cannot get over how much Abf talks about the things he wants, he never ever seems willing to do it.

On the other hand, my sister liked to point out yesterday that she thinks the same of me....that, I sure talk a lot about what I want, but I don't seem willing to follow through to get it as I instead sit and say "can you believe he did or didn't do this...?"
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Old 06-06-2017, 12:36 PM
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early in this round of recovery (the crack side anyways) i was told to ask myself two questions every day:

1) What am i WILLING to do for my recovery today?

2) What WILL i do for my recovery today?

willingness IS key, but one must ACT for there to be any result.
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Old 06-06-2017, 12:52 PM
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All of these caveats drive me nuts at this point in my relationship with my AH. "I need to stop," "I want to stop," etc. Then take proactive steps to do so. One of the stickies about how to tell whether an alcoholic is serious about recovery is action rather than words, and I think it basically said that saying "I want" or "I need" is not really being there yet.

I agree that willingness is stronger than wanting, because that implies that you will do what you need to do. But at the end of the day, until the action is taken it's all just blah blah blah for me. You can be willing to start recovery, but you still have to take that first step.
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Old 06-06-2017, 01:21 PM
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Originally Posted by loonie2427 View Post
All of these caveats drive me nuts at this point in my relationship with my AH. "I need to stop," "I want to stop," etc. Then take proactive steps to do so. One of the stickies about how to tell whether an alcoholic is serious about recovery is action rather than words, and I think it basically said that saying "I want" or "I need" is not really being there yet.
When I was still drinking, I used to get up every day wishing I wouldn't feel the need to drink. I needed/wanted to stop, but I kept figuring I'd hit on some magic that would make that just happen. Ultimately I had to just quit without FEELING it. But for the longest time, it felt like it would just happen on its own.
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Old 12-18-2019, 07:09 AM
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Bumping this up--it was an important thought for me then and it's still relevant now, maybe others will benefit in the same way.
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Old 12-18-2019, 11:04 AM
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Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
Bumping this up--it was an important thought for me then and it's still relevant now, maybe others will benefit in the same way.
This is a valuable topic. Thank you!
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