dandylion

hearthealth...may I ask....what kind of placement are you hoping for?

hearthealth

I know he will have some visitation. That's ok I want the children to have a relationship with their father even though he's a bad role model. I want the majority. I don't trust his family for any supervision. I don't know who to agree upon. I don't know how to handle my long shifts. So he would have the children as much if not more than now with no say from me.

LexieCat

I think you are overcomplicating this. At this point, your kids are exposed to him and his rages every waking minute that they are at home.

I cannot envision your not having primary custody. You can seek supervised visitation or alcohol monitoring. Your own testimony counts in court. You don't have to have outside evidence, though it's good to get some corroboration.

I think the situation is dire enough that you should consider just getting him OUT safely. Get that protective order. With him out of there, you will have the time to find a good lawyer and do whatever needs to be done concerning the kids. One other thing--if you tell the judge, for the protective order, about his abuse of the kids for the purpose of having no contact or supervised contact only with them, an order granting that relief might help in terms of protecting them in the divorce proceedings as well.

hearthealth

I think we walk on eggshells and I constantly monitor the situation when he is home. It's not a constant waking moment of rages. It's the lack of interest the emotional disinterest that effects me and the children.

LexieCat

Do you see, though, that walking on eggshells is really, really harmful to them? They can't relax and be kids in their own home. He berates them at mealtimes. He's pulled their hair in anger. I think you're really underestimating the impact this has on the kids, who may not be able to verbalize it.

hearthealth

I'm not under estimating his impact. I'm underestimating the court's impact on assisting us. I need to have reassurances before I walk over the edge of the cliff to fly. My inventory.

LexieCat

If you wait until you are CERTAIN of the outcome, you will never make a move. Because no lawyer can predict with CERTAINTY what the outcome will be. You got an opinion from one lawyer (who didn't seem all that interested) that it would be "better" to wait until your kids open up to the counselor. Isn't that sort of like waiting to report that your house is on fire until you're sure it's going to cause significant damage and that you can't get everyone out safely?

A protective order can put things in place for your protection and theirs. I take it, from what you've posted, that you are eligible for one. That would buy you all some immediate peace, and the chance to figure out the best approach for the divorce proceedings. If you work with an advocate you won't be "stepping off a cliff"--they can provide you with a lot of resources to help ensure everyone's safety.

PuzzledHeart

hearthealth, if your kids see that you at least TRIED to make a move, it will mean a lot to them. You are guaranteeing a cr*pload of resentment if you don't do anything. Even decades later, I still can get incredibly angry when I think about how my father suspected that our nanny was abusing us but didn't do anything because he didn't want to upset my mom. And he still apologizes to this day that he didn't say anything when my cousin threatened to kill me when I was eight, because he didn't want to be rude to his sister-in-law, who let that psychopath run rampant in our family. (Don't even let me get started on HER.).

About your current lawyer. Lawyers are human too (even lawyers as awesome as LexieCat). You have no idea what this lawyer's story is. Maybe this lawyer is a victim of abuse. Maybe this lawyer has a drinking problem too. Maybe this lawyer has been good in the past, but is now burnt out and is just merely going through the motions. In other words, this lawyer, for whatever reason, will not be the best representative for your family moving forward.

And don't go by credentials alone. I know an Ivy League lawyer with an incredible record who is an absolute jerk to his child. I wouldn't want him to touch any DV/divorce case of mine even if they paid me a billion fricking dollars.

Ladybird579

I lost 6 out of 8 of my kids by not acting sooner. They will never speak to me again now they are adults. Time to jump. The parachute will open.

hearthealth

I just got a lead on a new lawyer. The lawyer sounds promising. I hope it holds true. I'll make an appointment in Tuesday.

dandylion

Good....very good!!

hearthealth

I called the new lawyer today and they have an opening tomarrow. Deep breath.
I know some of you won't like it but I told my husband if things don't change I don't want to be married and guess what happened....nothing. No self reflection. He actually became more condescending toward me. I wanted to argue back but I stayed quiet. Today he has not said anything to me. More proof that we don't need to be here anymore.

dandylion

I have got no problem with what you said...it sounds like you said what you were thinking.....what is wrong with that?
Mean what you say
Say what you mean
just don't say it mean...........

hearthealth

I do mean it. I didn't want to say it until I knew I was ready.

hearthealth

Baby steps. The paperwork is done just waiting for my signature. Can't do it until Friday at the earliest. Deep breath. This is quick on their end.

LexieCat

Do you have a plan for safety for you and the kids once he is served? Or are you applying for a protective order at the same time?

hearthealth

I have a safety plan. No protective order yet. He stated courts are pretty quick to separate parties here hopefully quick enough.

firebolt

Good for you! I would brace yourself for hubs to do an about face....

I never thought in a million years that my x would, but he did. He apologized, became humble and stopped drinking....you know, really became the part of him that I loved.

It lasted about 60 days....and if i'm really honest, I can see where things started fading back to norm at about 30 days. It is VERY easy to get sucked back into the good parts of them...and inevitably, I got burned again.

Re-read your old posts - and write a journal in moments of weakness. Anything to squash the false hope that we give ourselves. IF he is going to sober up and be a good partner to you, it is not right now. It is after a year or 2 of getting recovery FOR HIMSELF!

Deep breaths indeed! I hope this is a safe, speedy process for you!

hearthealth

I was watching tonight's tv games in tears. My son seen my sadness and offered a hug but not my husband. When I am aware that I am not getting what I need, due to an unhealthy relationship and he does not see a problem, it reinforces my need to leave. He has many choices including how to treat me. All his choices have consequences some due to my boundaries.
I'm struggling not with if, if will happen. If has been accepted by me and a weight is off my shoulders. I'm struggling with when to have him served. My husband informed me the same day that he has a job site 700 miles away.
My thought is what if the divorce is the motivating factor to change his spots? I took him back once and was fooled. How would I know if he really had changed? How could I ever trust him again? I don't think I could ever trust him again. I think this time there will be no looking back. There are tasks the lawyer has given me to look into which I have started to do. I need to stay emotionally available for my children during this transition.

FeelingGreat

Hi HH, Just go at your own pace. You had a false start before, but I think you made the right decision not to continue with a lawyer who didn't suit you.
You can't go on indefinitely with someone you resent so much, and has so little to give. Enjoy your time while he's away.