Mothers.. can't live with them, can't live without them
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Mothers.. can't live with them, can't live without them
SR friends,
Most of you know my story. I have been blessed, moving on from axh after 34 years together, almost 2 1/2 years post divorce. My problem now is my 78 year old mother. Ugh!!
My parents loved axh, he was part of the famiy, he could do no wrong. (Mr. Personality, good lucking, nice guy, worked hard, just the bomb.) They did not understand the divroce, as I never shared the alcohol or drug abuse with them, as mom is a gossip. They knew he liked to party, but had no idea. They just called his irresponsible behavior the last few years, a midlife crisis and he will get over it. Wrong.
Before the divorce I cut him off social media so that I didn't have to monitor his fun loving life style with his girlfriend/enabler. We did stay "friends" till last summer, but finally cut him out of my life. (Wanted me to sew his clothers, help with financial questions, do his resume) Since the divorce my mother feels it's her job to advise me of his comings and goings on fb, igoring my request to stop. I asked her years ago to stop saying his name and now she calls him my x. Nearly every conversation with her which could be at least 5 days a week, is what she saw that day on his fb page. She asked me if she thought he would come and see her when he was in her town for work in Dec., tells me he wished her happy birthday, tells me about what x mother in law is doing. She is obsessed with him. Now for 2 1/2 years I have told her to stop.
So 3 weeks ago she did it again and I yelled at her to stop, and i said some mean things to her (when we were divorcing she asked me who filed, I told her it was me and i asked her why , she said that she thought he would have done it??? Ugh, not sure what that meant) any way brought that up, she said I am going to go and hung up. The next day I called and apologized said she needed to stop. I finally told her that he was abusive to me, and did not give anymore details. The very next day she brings him up again ( as my brother had to meet up with axh to pick up a bed for dd24.) telling me axh was there to pick up the bed, blah, blah, blah.
So move to 3 weeks later. I have not called her and talked to her. She keeps telling siblings that I am mad at her. She takes no ownership for her part. It's sad to me that mother has chosen team axh. I don't know how to move forward when mother stalks your every move on fb ( she told my brother I had the day off on thursday because the church had no power and we had to lock up. She sees everything on fb, all the church notification. She also asked me why the priest was leaving, again notice on church's fb page). I am so frustrated with dealing with her. So currently I do not talk to her. Am I wrong???? Ugh!!!
Most of you know my story. I have been blessed, moving on from axh after 34 years together, almost 2 1/2 years post divorce. My problem now is my 78 year old mother. Ugh!!
My parents loved axh, he was part of the famiy, he could do no wrong. (Mr. Personality, good lucking, nice guy, worked hard, just the bomb.) They did not understand the divroce, as I never shared the alcohol or drug abuse with them, as mom is a gossip. They knew he liked to party, but had no idea. They just called his irresponsible behavior the last few years, a midlife crisis and he will get over it. Wrong.
Before the divorce I cut him off social media so that I didn't have to monitor his fun loving life style with his girlfriend/enabler. We did stay "friends" till last summer, but finally cut him out of my life. (Wanted me to sew his clothers, help with financial questions, do his resume) Since the divorce my mother feels it's her job to advise me of his comings and goings on fb, igoring my request to stop. I asked her years ago to stop saying his name and now she calls him my x. Nearly every conversation with her which could be at least 5 days a week, is what she saw that day on his fb page. She asked me if she thought he would come and see her when he was in her town for work in Dec., tells me he wished her happy birthday, tells me about what x mother in law is doing. She is obsessed with him. Now for 2 1/2 years I have told her to stop.
So 3 weeks ago she did it again and I yelled at her to stop, and i said some mean things to her (when we were divorcing she asked me who filed, I told her it was me and i asked her why , she said that she thought he would have done it??? Ugh, not sure what that meant) any way brought that up, she said I am going to go and hung up. The next day I called and apologized said she needed to stop. I finally told her that he was abusive to me, and did not give anymore details. The very next day she brings him up again ( as my brother had to meet up with axh to pick up a bed for dd24.) telling me axh was there to pick up the bed, blah, blah, blah.
So move to 3 weeks later. I have not called her and talked to her. She keeps telling siblings that I am mad at her. She takes no ownership for her part. It's sad to me that mother has chosen team axh. I don't know how to move forward when mother stalks your every move on fb ( she told my brother I had the day off on thursday because the church had no power and we had to lock up. She sees everything on fb, all the church notification. She also asked me why the priest was leaving, again notice on church's fb page). I am so frustrated with dealing with her. So currently I do not talk to her. Am I wrong???? Ugh!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Nope. Not wrong. That Facebook has a lot to answer for.
Don't know what you can do about mom to change her mind, short of going into the grisly details, which she likely won't believe.
When my bestie broke up with her controlling, manipulative addict SO, her mother blamed HER! That's because, on the surface, the SO, like your x, was the total package. Handsome, Richie Rich type rich, good job, nice house in a wealthy neighborhood.
But..addicted to pot, super controlling, emotionally shut down, manipulative about money, and mean at times.
Best and bravest thing she ever did was to leave. Mom still beats her up about it.
When she can. My friend goes no contact with her mother from time to time because they have a toxic relationship.
Just go your way, maia. She isn't going to change. Peace.
Don't know what you can do about mom to change her mind, short of going into the grisly details, which she likely won't believe.
When my bestie broke up with her controlling, manipulative addict SO, her mother blamed HER! That's because, on the surface, the SO, like your x, was the total package. Handsome, Richie Rich type rich, good job, nice house in a wealthy neighborhood.
But..addicted to pot, super controlling, emotionally shut down, manipulative about money, and mean at times.
Best and bravest thing she ever did was to leave. Mom still beats her up about it.
When she can. My friend goes no contact with her mother from time to time because they have a toxic relationship.
Just go your way, maia. She isn't going to change. Peace.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I'm sorry, Maia. That would make me nuts, too. Maybe she just can't deal with the reality of having her daughter be divorced...my mother struggled with that, too. I think she felt it reflected badly on her. It also sounds like she's overly invested in her children's lives...I will spare you my patented rant on the evils of Facebook.
You have a right to say what you said and to set boundaries, yes? Assuming she has the mental capacity to remember things (no longer the case with my own mother), I would start saying, as calmly as possible, "Mom, I've asked you not to bring this up. Now we're going to change the subject or I'm hanging up." Easier said than done, I know...nobody can yank our chains like family.
Sending you a hug.
P.S. Do you really have to talk to her that often?
You have a right to say what you said and to set boundaries, yes? Assuming she has the mental capacity to remember things (no longer the case with my own mother), I would start saying, as calmly as possible, "Mom, I've asked you not to bring this up. Now we're going to change the subject or I'm hanging up." Easier said than done, I know...nobody can yank our chains like family.
Sending you a hug.
P.S. Do you really have to talk to her that often?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
maia....I can see where that would be irritating, to you.
To be fair...if she only saw his "shiny" outsides...and didn't know what you had to live with....you can't blame her for the parts that she didn't know....
If it were me (and, it is not,,,lol)...I would have a face to face with her, at the kitchen table over a pot of coffee. I would share, with her, those things that you can...to give her a more rounded and realistic picture..
If you open up to her...she might share some of her feelings, also...the more feeelings that you can actually share....maybe, this subject will be less of a chism between the two of you.
Believe me, after our mothers are gone...one would give anything to have more time to talk.
It is possible that her "world" is a little more contracted than yours is....(and it sounds like you might live in a small town....?)
Speaking as a mother, myself...I know that the spouse of our children begin to feel the same as if they are our children. they become a part of the mental and emotional family.
I know that I had some ex boyfriends who stopped in to visit my mother, years after I was married. No big deal (as I didn't carry a tourch)....
My sister's ex husband remarried and moved into a house down the road from my mother...and they saw each other in the neighborhood, quite often.
Of course, my mother would make mention...but, she never beat us over the head with it, either....
I think it is a nice thing that you and your mother talk several times a week.....
some people would give their right arm for that kind of relationship....
So, I say...keep some boundaries...but, keep the love....
To be fair...if she only saw his "shiny" outsides...and didn't know what you had to live with....you can't blame her for the parts that she didn't know....
If it were me (and, it is not,,,lol)...I would have a face to face with her, at the kitchen table over a pot of coffee. I would share, with her, those things that you can...to give her a more rounded and realistic picture..
If you open up to her...she might share some of her feelings, also...the more feeelings that you can actually share....maybe, this subject will be less of a chism between the two of you.
Believe me, after our mothers are gone...one would give anything to have more time to talk.
It is possible that her "world" is a little more contracted than yours is....(and it sounds like you might live in a small town....?)
Speaking as a mother, myself...I know that the spouse of our children begin to feel the same as if they are our children. they become a part of the mental and emotional family.
I know that I had some ex boyfriends who stopped in to visit my mother, years after I was married. No big deal (as I didn't carry a tourch)....
My sister's ex husband remarried and moved into a house down the road from my mother...and they saw each other in the neighborhood, quite often.
Of course, my mother would make mention...but, she never beat us over the head with it, either....
I think it is a nice thing that you and your mother talk several times a week.....
some people would give their right arm for that kind of relationship....
So, I say...keep some boundaries...but, keep the love....
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
My mum still has a mother-son relationship with my ex. I am very torn about it.
On one hand, I realize he was part of our family for over two decades and she does love him like her own. I respect and understand that. We lost my Dad about 14 months ago and my ex has been a big help to my mother in a lot of ways. I appreciate that, there are things he has done, I could not have. ( Like sell his extensive military rifle collection etc. )
My mum was one of the people most pained by our divorcing. She was extremely upset about it, but she never rubbed my face in it. I think she thinks, I made a mistake. After all she is Queen Codie. She has been the martyr her entire life with multiple qualifies, the longest running one happened to be my alcoholic Dad, who she was married to for almost 50years. She believes in standing by your vows for better or for worse except in "extreme" cases. I think she feels sorry for my ex and my kids that me, her daughter, made this decision that hurt everybody so much. She is getting better about it. She has accepted the new man in my life and is dealing OK with it that he "took me far away".
Like you maia1234, my mother had no idea what was going on in my marriage until I hit her upside the head with the news we had been separated for many months and that I was moving out. She was SHOCKED and broken-hearted. She knew AXH drinking was an issue and that he had been going to AA, even tried to get my Dad to go with him( Laughable). She saw him as making so much more effort than her husband did and considered me lucky. She had no idea about all the ins and outs of what was really happening, because I did not tell her, because I didn't want her discussing MY life with her friends which she had done before and I HATE.
She will mention to me when she sees him and let me know what nice thing he has done to help her out. I find that irksome, but I only get these reports once a month or so and it's usually short and sweet. I'm not sure why she does that. I can think of several reasons MAYBE why she does it but I'm not 100% sure. I guess it doesn't matter. She knows damn well that we will NEVER be together again so she isn't holding out that hope. At least I hope she's not.
My ex always called my mum by her first name. After my Dad died in Dec 2015 he started calling her "Mum". That's a bit of a punch in the gut for me, but it's not really any of my business. He is in full non-contact/cut off mode with his own parents and siblings ( rightly so) and losing my Dad was the first death of a parent either of us had to deal with. My mother is now his "only" parent ( and the only nonalcoholic of the four of them) I understand why he feels connected to her. I don't feel it's any of my business to police their relationship... But sometimes it bugs me.
I have an aunt I took off facebook because she posts a lot of pictures from the small town we all lived in with XAH. She understood why I did this. A few weeks ago she invited me back to be her "friend" so I thought sure, why not, I have people blocked I don't want to see from that area.... well that SAME day, she up and posted a pic that included my XAHs skank gf without tagging her so facebook didn't block her and it showed up on my news feed... thanks Auntie... "unfriended" again.....Facebook can be such a problem. If I didn't use it for communication purposes as much as I do I'd quit using it.
XAH and I are in a bit of a struggle about money. He broke the court order and I took legal action. He lost. I could tell my mother wasn't happy hearing about the facts in this case. She doesn't want to her me placing blame on my ex or that he has to face the consequences. She also doesn't want me to suffer because he is breaking his promise/portion of the contract. She feels stuck in the middle. I told her I just wouldn't give her any more details unless she asks for them. She has not. I am respecting that.
I hope you manage to get through to your mother about not wanting to hear about your ex. Have you asked her WHY she feels a need to talk to you about him despite you asking her repeatedly not to? Maybe if you posed it to her that way she'd have to examine her motives.
If I were you, and my mother kept at me and at me about XAH, I'd have no qualms about putting her on low contact status.
Hugs maia1234.... families are hard
On one hand, I realize he was part of our family for over two decades and she does love him like her own. I respect and understand that. We lost my Dad about 14 months ago and my ex has been a big help to my mother in a lot of ways. I appreciate that, there are things he has done, I could not have. ( Like sell his extensive military rifle collection etc. )
My mum was one of the people most pained by our divorcing. She was extremely upset about it, but she never rubbed my face in it. I think she thinks, I made a mistake. After all she is Queen Codie. She has been the martyr her entire life with multiple qualifies, the longest running one happened to be my alcoholic Dad, who she was married to for almost 50years. She believes in standing by your vows for better or for worse except in "extreme" cases. I think she feels sorry for my ex and my kids that me, her daughter, made this decision that hurt everybody so much. She is getting better about it. She has accepted the new man in my life and is dealing OK with it that he "took me far away".
Like you maia1234, my mother had no idea what was going on in my marriage until I hit her upside the head with the news we had been separated for many months and that I was moving out. She was SHOCKED and broken-hearted. She knew AXH drinking was an issue and that he had been going to AA, even tried to get my Dad to go with him( Laughable). She saw him as making so much more effort than her husband did and considered me lucky. She had no idea about all the ins and outs of what was really happening, because I did not tell her, because I didn't want her discussing MY life with her friends which she had done before and I HATE.
She will mention to me when she sees him and let me know what nice thing he has done to help her out. I find that irksome, but I only get these reports once a month or so and it's usually short and sweet. I'm not sure why she does that. I can think of several reasons MAYBE why she does it but I'm not 100% sure. I guess it doesn't matter. She knows damn well that we will NEVER be together again so she isn't holding out that hope. At least I hope she's not.
My ex always called my mum by her first name. After my Dad died in Dec 2015 he started calling her "Mum". That's a bit of a punch in the gut for me, but it's not really any of my business. He is in full non-contact/cut off mode with his own parents and siblings ( rightly so) and losing my Dad was the first death of a parent either of us had to deal with. My mother is now his "only" parent ( and the only nonalcoholic of the four of them) I understand why he feels connected to her. I don't feel it's any of my business to police their relationship... But sometimes it bugs me.
I have an aunt I took off facebook because she posts a lot of pictures from the small town we all lived in with XAH. She understood why I did this. A few weeks ago she invited me back to be her "friend" so I thought sure, why not, I have people blocked I don't want to see from that area.... well that SAME day, she up and posted a pic that included my XAHs skank gf without tagging her so facebook didn't block her and it showed up on my news feed... thanks Auntie... "unfriended" again.....Facebook can be such a problem. If I didn't use it for communication purposes as much as I do I'd quit using it.
XAH and I are in a bit of a struggle about money. He broke the court order and I took legal action. He lost. I could tell my mother wasn't happy hearing about the facts in this case. She doesn't want to her me placing blame on my ex or that he has to face the consequences. She also doesn't want me to suffer because he is breaking his promise/portion of the contract. She feels stuck in the middle. I told her I just wouldn't give her any more details unless she asks for them. She has not. I am respecting that.
I hope you manage to get through to your mother about not wanting to hear about your ex. Have you asked her WHY she feels a need to talk to you about him despite you asking her repeatedly not to? Maybe if you posed it to her that way she'd have to examine her motives.
If I were you, and my mother kept at me and at me about XAH, I'd have no qualms about putting her on low contact status.
Hugs maia1234.... families are hard
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
My dad caused a lot of trouble with my adult kids when I split with exah. He said things about me that weren't true and generally made things 100% worse. He went from siding with ex then to me and back again. He blamed me for exes drinking and some of my less informed kids believed him. On my mum's death bed he shouted at me for 2 hours. Said really horrible things that weren't true and called my eldest daughter a lying beach cos she called him out on his bs. I nearly didn't go to moms funeral cos, as I stated before two of my daughters came to her death bed and ignored me and he wouldn't shut up shouting. He continued with hate filled texts and I asked him to stop. I thought maybe it was the grief but it wasn't. He didn't stop so I blocked him. He texted me from 3 different phones until he ran out. Weeks later he phoned me in Prague on someone elses phone and continued on the same old themes. I've not seen him since the funeral last August. I blocked him on facebook and I doubt I will ever speak to him again. He was holding back my healing progress and is 50% of the reason my kids don't speak to me. I don't blame you for going nc. She's had enough warnings.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
maia, I'll throw this into the mix as a consideration which may not affect the way you deal with it.
Could your mother be in the early stages of dementia? One of the first things you notice is they fix on a set of stories or a theme and you get it over and over again. If this happening your M may be stuck back at the time you were married, even though rationally she knows you've divorced. They have limited ability to take on new information, and given her attitude to the divorce and her XSIL she's just reverting endlessly to her theme.
Probably the only way to deal with this is to cut her off the minute she starts, and if she persists tell her you have to go. Without being cruel, its like toddler training, endlessly reinforcing a message in a kind but firm way. The message will probably get through eventually, and if it doesn't, you don't allow yourself to be drawn in and you don't have to discuss him.
Could your mother be in the early stages of dementia? One of the first things you notice is they fix on a set of stories or a theme and you get it over and over again. If this happening your M may be stuck back at the time you were married, even though rationally she knows you've divorced. They have limited ability to take on new information, and given her attitude to the divorce and her XSIL she's just reverting endlessly to her theme.
Probably the only way to deal with this is to cut her off the minute she starts, and if she persists tell her you have to go. Without being cruel, its like toddler training, endlessly reinforcing a message in a kind but firm way. The message will probably get through eventually, and if it doesn't, you don't allow yourself to be drawn in and you don't have to discuss him.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hmm. FeelingGreat has a point. Could that be? My mom has dementia and she has a script in her head about my alcoholic sib. That he's not that bad. That he only drinks beer. That he's company.
The reality is that he is the drunkest, surliest son of a b***h on God's earth.
But...not to her.
The reality is that he is the drunkest, surliest son of a b***h on God's earth.
But...not to her.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Thanks everyone for your ideas and suggestions. I would love to blame this on dementia, but it's not that easy. She prides herself on stalking everyone on fb. My nickname for her is the interigator. She will pummel all 4 siblings and spouses with the same questions, I think to see who is holding something back. It's a sickness. I dread when she calls because she is so nosey, and then she goes and gossips about it. Dd23 got a job in September, she must have asked me 15 times how much is she making, is it a good living wage, can she live off of it? Also asked siblings if they know how much she is making.
My brother wants me to call her. I've given her two years to get her crap together, I'm done. I have a really hard time with all she has done. My aunt actually pulled him from her will, us as couple and put him in by himself. They all just love him, and he is nothing but a selfish, narcissistic, mean alcoholic. You wonder why us codies have self esteem issues.
Thanks for your support.
My brother wants me to call her. I've given her two years to get her crap together, I'm done. I have a really hard time with all she has done. My aunt actually pulled him from her will, us as couple and put him in by himself. They all just love him, and he is nothing but a selfish, narcissistic, mean alcoholic. You wonder why us codies have self esteem issues.
Thanks for your support.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Ugh Maia - sounds frustrating, please know you are not alone!
XAH is a pro in impression management, and my ex MIL was doing the same thing - keeping me appraised of his stuff and ignoring requests to stop.
My mom's reaction to divorce was: "Ah what a pity - he seemed like such a nice guy - some women just are not able to inspire their husbands to be better men". I mean, seriously mom?
On other hand I remember her saying to me things like "Why did I even give birth to you?" when I was a child (I was a straight A student, never drank, or did any drugs - that was a response to me being a moody teenager).
Mothers.....
XAH is a pro in impression management, and my ex MIL was doing the same thing - keeping me appraised of his stuff and ignoring requests to stop.
My mom's reaction to divorce was: "Ah what a pity - he seemed like such a nice guy - some women just are not able to inspire their husbands to be better men". I mean, seriously mom?
On other hand I remember her saying to me things like "Why did I even give birth to you?" when I was a child (I was a straight A student, never drank, or did any drugs - that was a response to me being a moody teenager).
Mothers.....
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