Accomplice to Social Drinking
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Accomplice to Social Drinking
For those that don't know my history, I am IAR with an alcoholic. In the last year after being clean for 2 years, he has gone through a year long bout of relapse after relapse - the relapses were all severe benders that lasted around 8 days and consisted of 24/7 drinking alone, (cutting off all contact with loved ones) along with ingesting full bottles of mouthwash, perfume, hand sanitizer, and hairspray.
His drinking was zero in between. All or nothing. The bender would end and he'd go dry again like nothing ever happened until it did in a month or so. Wash, rinse, repeat with more promises to get back into the program as committed as he use to be and that it'd never happen again. The only thing that has seemed to work so far is living in a sober house in which he currently is residing. It's been 3 months since the last bender which is a good sign as they were becoming biweekly at one point. However, if you ask me the only thing keeping him sober is that he no longer has a place to use in. He use to abuse in my home when I wasn't there and then an apartment he shared with roommates. He now has to report his whereabouts each night to the house or he will be thrown out. To me, this is what keeps him sober, not necessarily a desire to quit if that makes sense.
Therein lies the problem. He has recently attempted social drinking the last two evenings we went out. It made me very uncomfortable to see him basically ask me permission. I didn't want him to do it much less have the burden on deciding a fate I already know. Yes he only had one at dinner tonight (the first time we saw a band and it was much more than one but not enough that he was visibly wasted), but this seems crazy to me after all we've gone through.
He seems to be using the fact that he is a binge/bender addict "type" to justify one or two on a Saturday evening at a dinner or on vacation. In his mind it's "different" because he is drinking a beer to enjoy it and not to sit and black out in a depressive bender.
So I ask....my role. On both occasions he asked me if I'd mind. I felt stuck and didn't know what to say. I was a bit stunned perhaps and well why should it be up to me? I don't want the burden, but because I'm a codie I fear I did the wrong thing which was telling him it's his choice and not only allowing it but ordering a drink myself (as a normie), I suppose because I no longer have the worry of him destroying my house I felt I was detached from it eventho I still care and want him to quit completely bc in my heart I know he's playing with fire.
Did I enable him by my passivity and having my own after he? Should I have said it was his choice but I can't be with him if he does even on occasion? Or did I do the right thing by letting him make the choice and letting him also deal with the inevitable consequences? (so long as I do should this be a gateway into another bender, and of course my mind wonders if it necessarily will be or if this is different because it's social and not drunkenness).
How do I handle it the next time we go out and he says "would you be ok if I got one beer?"
His drinking was zero in between. All or nothing. The bender would end and he'd go dry again like nothing ever happened until it did in a month or so. Wash, rinse, repeat with more promises to get back into the program as committed as he use to be and that it'd never happen again. The only thing that has seemed to work so far is living in a sober house in which he currently is residing. It's been 3 months since the last bender which is a good sign as they were becoming biweekly at one point. However, if you ask me the only thing keeping him sober is that he no longer has a place to use in. He use to abuse in my home when I wasn't there and then an apartment he shared with roommates. He now has to report his whereabouts each night to the house or he will be thrown out. To me, this is what keeps him sober, not necessarily a desire to quit if that makes sense.
Therein lies the problem. He has recently attempted social drinking the last two evenings we went out. It made me very uncomfortable to see him basically ask me permission. I didn't want him to do it much less have the burden on deciding a fate I already know. Yes he only had one at dinner tonight (the first time we saw a band and it was much more than one but not enough that he was visibly wasted), but this seems crazy to me after all we've gone through.
He seems to be using the fact that he is a binge/bender addict "type" to justify one or two on a Saturday evening at a dinner or on vacation. In his mind it's "different" because he is drinking a beer to enjoy it and not to sit and black out in a depressive bender.
So I ask....my role. On both occasions he asked me if I'd mind. I felt stuck and didn't know what to say. I was a bit stunned perhaps and well why should it be up to me? I don't want the burden, but because I'm a codie I fear I did the wrong thing which was telling him it's his choice and not only allowing it but ordering a drink myself (as a normie), I suppose because I no longer have the worry of him destroying my house I felt I was detached from it eventho I still care and want him to quit completely bc in my heart I know he's playing with fire.
Did I enable him by my passivity and having my own after he? Should I have said it was his choice but I can't be with him if he does even on occasion? Or did I do the right thing by letting him make the choice and letting him also deal with the inevitable consequences? (so long as I do should this be a gateway into another bender, and of course my mind wonders if it necessarily will be or if this is different because it's social and not drunkenness).
How do I handle it the next time we go out and he says "would you be ok if I got one beer?"
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I don't think what you describe is a relapse, as such. I think it's active alcoholism, and that's something I know I can't have in my life.
I think I'd be ending the relationship until I saw a significant period of time sober as well as some solid signs of recovery in other areas. I don't think I'd even get into a situation where there would be asking if I was OK w/"just one."
My personal opinion and choice, no judgement implied of anyone else's.
I think I'd be ending the relationship until I saw a significant period of time sober as well as some solid signs of recovery in other areas. I don't think I'd even get into a situation where there would be asking if I was OK w/"just one."
My personal opinion and choice, no judgement implied of anyone else's.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
I guess I am just floored you are still with this guy, so don't doubt you are obsessing over every detail on how to handle him with kid gloves. You both have unhealthy relationship tentacles with each other and it's only a matter of time before he saturates your new couch with urine again since he's still drinking. He does not want true recovery and I guess you just can't live without him and will do everything in your power to keep him in your life. What exactly do you need from this forum? I'm really not being facetious, just asking the obvious.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Reading your past posts I am also stunned you are still with this man. In one you state he cheated on you when you weren't available for sex.
During a year of our relationship as some of you may know he headed back into alcohol addiction and also cheated on me during times when I was not available as he needed. The cheating would happen when I could not get together or had to travel,
That alone would have had me heading for the hills.
During a year of our relationship as some of you may know he headed back into alcohol addiction and also cheated on me during times when I was not available as he needed. The cheating would happen when I could not get together or had to travel,
That alone would have had me heading for the hills.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You handle it based on whether or not you want to spend your night babysitting a grown man who treats you like his mother. If it were me, I'd say, "Do what you want," go home, turn off my phone, lock the door, and seriously ask myself what I am still doing in the relationship.
I think you believe you can save him. The only person you can save is you. No exceptions.
I think you believe you can save him. The only person you can save is you. No exceptions.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You're still focusing on what's best for HIM. You can't control HIM.
I'd ask how it made YOU feel to sit and have a friendly drink with someone who has abused your generosity and love in so many ways, while he's doing the exact same thing that caused you so much pain.
I'd ask how it made YOU feel to sit and have a friendly drink with someone who has abused your generosity and love in so many ways, while he's doing the exact same thing that caused you so much pain.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 527
Smarie- before I left my xAH asked me the same question- is it ok if i have one drink? I left. No point in even answering in words. Answer with your feet.
I echo everyone's sentiment here. Start going to Alanon. Find a good counselor who will help you extricate yourself. Why do you even care about him anymore? Where is your bottom?
I echo everyone's sentiment here. Start going to Alanon. Find a good counselor who will help you extricate yourself. Why do you even care about him anymore? Where is your bottom?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Hey Smarie, it doesn't matter for his recovery what you do if he wants to drink. That he is asking makes the situation clearly unhealthy for both of you. Drink with him and you are continuing an unhealthy situation;, refuse permission and you are singing another unhealthy verse of the same toxic song.
As it was said above, the only healthy action you could take in the situation involves your feet not your words. Unfortunately you and he may not have hit bottom yet and it is possible there is no bottom for either of you.
That you are attracted to this man and still with him indicates that you have something going on with yourself that no one but yourself can address.
As it was said above, the only healthy action you could take in the situation involves your feet not your words. Unfortunately you and he may not have hit bottom yet and it is possible there is no bottom for either of you.
That you are attracted to this man and still with him indicates that you have something going on with yourself that no one but yourself can address.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Just in case it somehow helps you...here are your threads, going back nearly a year and a half...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...=7603826&pp=20
Our words don't work for you, so maybe yours will?
You may be telling yourself that hey, he's not pissing on your couch anymore (because you lock him out), he's living in a "sober" house (because you and his apartment mates kicked him out) and he has whole entire weeks where he doesn't drink. (Weeks!)That you know about, anyway.
From an outside perspective...none of his supposed "progress" is his. It's all externally imposed circumstances that are making it harder to drink. It's got nothing to do with him, really. And you sense that. He's bargaining with his addiction and he's manipulating you to view his problem as episodic, not chronic and progressive.
In the meantime...he's still married to someone else. He's still ignoring his responsibilities to his two children from that marriage. He cheats on you when he has "needs." He has driven a wedge between you and your family and your friends, all of whom are appalled by him. Worst, your life and your hopes of having a marriage and a family of your own have been on hold for years while you've been babysitting him and writing thousands and thousands of words on a recovery forum about him.
Shrug. Wishing you well.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...=7603826&pp=20
Our words don't work for you, so maybe yours will?
You may be telling yourself that hey, he's not pissing on your couch anymore (because you lock him out), he's living in a "sober" house (because you and his apartment mates kicked him out) and he has whole entire weeks where he doesn't drink. (Weeks!)That you know about, anyway.
From an outside perspective...none of his supposed "progress" is his. It's all externally imposed circumstances that are making it harder to drink. It's got nothing to do with him, really. And you sense that. He's bargaining with his addiction and he's manipulating you to view his problem as episodic, not chronic and progressive.
In the meantime...he's still married to someone else. He's still ignoring his responsibilities to his two children from that marriage. He cheats on you when he has "needs." He has driven a wedge between you and your family and your friends, all of whom are appalled by him. Worst, your life and your hopes of having a marriage and a family of your own have been on hold for years while you've been babysitting him and writing thousands and thousands of words on a recovery forum about him.
Shrug. Wishing you well.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
I am familiar with your story, Smarie, and I am somewhat surprised that, by this point, you don't seem to realize that this guy is an alcoholic and alcoholics are simply incapable of social drinking. Ever.
That train left the station a long time ago.
I am surprised that you wonder if it is okay to "social drink" with him.
I am an alcoholic in recovery for two years. There will never be a time that I will be able drink socially or responsibly.
That train left the station a long time ago.
I am surprised that you wonder if it is okay to "social drink" with him.
I am an alcoholic in recovery for two years. There will never be a time that I will be able drink socially or responsibly.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Also, if he is drinking and living in a sober house, doesn't he run the risk of getting bounced? And might he then come knocking on your door again?
It was really, really hard to get him out, if I remember correctly.
It was really, really hard to get him out, if I remember correctly.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Originally Posted by Maudcat 
Also, if he is drinking and living in a sober house, doesn't he run the risk of getting bounced? And might he then come knocking on your door again?
It was really, really hard to get him out, if I remember correctly.
It was really, really hard to get him out, if I remember correctly.
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Thank you all for your responses. I understand where everyone is coming from and would likely tell me the same thing on the outside looking in. I was just thinking of how to handle this recent issue that's crept. Please know I fully understand what staying does and my choice, albeit illogical, is nevertheless what I have chosen for today.
I believe a lot of these issues stem from fear. He has lashed out at me several times (dry drunk?) and then loaded on so many apologies and sweet words I sometimes lose track of what the direction even is. The other day he broke up with me over text and then when I called and agreed maybe we need to (it somehow felt like an escape to me because I now could leave and it would be ok) he yelled at me as though I prompted the breakup. He apologized and said he was just scared he will lose me so waned to beat me to the punch, but it was very nerve wracking. He gets very angry at me for things that don't seem to make sense and more recently I got so scared I locked myself in the bathroom. I didn't really think he would do anything but he yelled horrible words at me and punched the door so of course I was scared.
Overall I believe my issues with leaving are all fear based. Nothing of what you say makes me think "oh they just don't get it!". The crazy part is that I do. I just often feel unable to do it. I'm not scared he will do something if I leave, again, I am always scared of being a bad person leaving (I know this is not real). Scared all around this girl here
We do have so many loving moments togeteher and there is a good man in there...the bad just really seems to eclipse all the good.
Anyway thank you again for your thoughts just wasn't sure how to maneuver through this recent issue.
I believe a lot of these issues stem from fear. He has lashed out at me several times (dry drunk?) and then loaded on so many apologies and sweet words I sometimes lose track of what the direction even is. The other day he broke up with me over text and then when I called and agreed maybe we need to (it somehow felt like an escape to me because I now could leave and it would be ok) he yelled at me as though I prompted the breakup. He apologized and said he was just scared he will lose me so waned to beat me to the punch, but it was very nerve wracking. He gets very angry at me for things that don't seem to make sense and more recently I got so scared I locked myself in the bathroom. I didn't really think he would do anything but he yelled horrible words at me and punched the door so of course I was scared.
Overall I believe my issues with leaving are all fear based. Nothing of what you say makes me think "oh they just don't get it!". The crazy part is that I do. I just often feel unable to do it. I'm not scared he will do something if I leave, again, I am always scared of being a bad person leaving (I know this is not real). Scared all around this girl here
We do have so many loving moments togeteher and there is a good man in there...the bad just really seems to eclipse all the good.Anyway thank you again for your thoughts just wasn't sure how to maneuver through this recent issue.
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