Ituvia

We met at work and started seeing each other 5 years ago and his issues with alcohol slowly started coming to light. The first time he took me to meet his friends, he passed out from too much drinking and his friend tried to grope me and my bf had no idea. Then he'd drink and go to sleep every alternate day. Things started unraveling when he moved in and I started noticing that some days he'd take sick leave and get drunk. I started fighting over his drinking and he'd make promises he can't keep. After two years we got two dogs and I thought he'd be responsible but on most days when he is relatively sober in the mornings, I'd have to wake him up to take the dogs out. In the evenings when he is not drinking, he'd go to sleep early after food. I started becoming more and more lonely. He'd not know who's in the house or what anyone's doing. The dogs would bark and he wouldn't wake up. I was so helpless and I'd fight with him all the time. Not talking, kicking him out and taking him back. Things started getting out of control when he'd drink a whole bottle and not know if I came back from work. I'd wake him up and fight and a few times, I did hit him. I am not justifying what I did. I am so ashamed but I was furious that he was wasting his life. I informed his folks who kept saying it's his life and they can't help. I even offered to take him to rehab and pay for it and support the house until he is clean and he agreed but never actively wanted to go. He'd pester me to drink along with him even if I don't want to and If i say no, he'd not talk for hours. My social drinking became his weapon. Couple of weeks ago, we got into one of the fights and I kicked him out but begged him to come back after three days. In those three days, he had called his folks and told them I abuse him and he drinks because I fight so they intervened and asked me to break up. He came home and took all of his stuff and moved into a new place. I am all alone with no money or support. I am extremely ashamed of my actions and I also miss him. He has told everyone that it's over and that he wants nothing to do with me. He sent a text letting me know that he'd still support the dogs which I refused. I am worried that he might drink himself to death but his friends tell me that he hasn't had a drop since the break up. Is there anyway this person can turn his life around? I am clueless and so lost. I also came to know that he has been telling EVERYONE that I used him for money. I gave my everything to see him happy and he not only dumped me but has been bad mouthing me. I keep asking myself if he'd ever realize but since he hasn't come to terms with it himself, he is not able to understand what he has done.

Forward12

Welcome to the site. I would consider this a blessing and would stay away from him. It sounds like he was lashing out at you because you were calling him out on his drinking problem, which unfortunately can be common with active drunks.

Ituvia

I worry for him even after all this. I've read so much from this site and I am still not able to come to terms with the fact that he won't be there next to me. Everyone that met him in these two weeks said he was "normal" and showed no outwardly symptoms and has been telling everyone that I was bad. I keep wondering how someone can go about their day as if nothing happened after five years of eating, drinking and sleeping next to each other. The stuff that he bought for the house is still in the fridge but he ain't

Ariesagain

You thought he was "normal" for a long time, too. Alcoholics can fake it for a long time.

One of the hardest lessons in life is losing someone you love over things you can't fix. You just have to get through it day by day until it eases a bit.

He wants to drink more than anything because he is in advanced addiction. It really has nothing to do with you, or whether you fight, or what you say. He's going to drink.

You will get past this. It's not your fault.

Sending you a hug.

totfit

Accept that he did you a grand favor and move on.

Ituvia

I know deep down that I won't see it the same way and I keep getting this advice to move on but I can't think straight. I am not able to think about anything else.

FeelingGreat

He's an A, and he's showing you he's also a liar. You've had a lucky escape and I know it hurts now, but soon you'll see it was a good thing.

Try to take the focus away from him, and put it into building a good life for yourself. His friends and family will understand what he is one day. They may even do so now.

D122y

He is addicted to booze. Just like a crack head etc.

He will quit when he is ready or forced to quit due to jail.

Don't beat yourself up. You are not his problem.

Thanks.

dandylion

Ituvia....I think you are in the acute state of grieving over the loss, right now.
The pain and emotions feel overwhelming....I get that...and, we have all been there!
The thing is....you, emotionally, bonded with this person. "Pair bonding".
It is an under reported fact that breaking these bonds of the heart hurts just as bad whether the relationship was great or a really, really bad one.
The bottom line, to this, is that you are going to be hurting , this way, for a few weeks/months. Even if his exit is a "blessing" in disguise...you are still going to feel the pain for a while.
Now, the pain will lessen, gradually...until you, finally get past it....

As I see it...your biggest task, right now, is to get through the grieving...just like ariesagain, above, said. You will have to face it, one day at a time.....

Please, keep reading...keep learning....I promise, it will help you....
Knowledge is power. And, it does give some comfort to hear other peoples' stories.....

GreenEyes02

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you have dodged a bullet.

My xAbf used to take "sick days" to drink as well. It annoyed me to no end.

It sounds a bit like he was gas-lighting you at times. My xAbf did that too.

He is in active addiction and will say and do anything to protect his drinking. My xAbf could look "normal" and keep it together too, when it served the continuation of his drinking.

There is much better out there for you. Count your blessings that you are out of this dysfunctional relationship, focus on yourself and your dogs and begin the process of moving on and putting this behind you.

You deserve better than what you got with him.

Ituvia

Thank you. I am going back and forth from not wanting to think about to wanting to think about him and the "good times". I guess we had a potential to be good but he makes it seem like I ruined it. I can't think about anything else and wondering why he hasn't called crying like ALL the other times he used to. How did he come to such a decision? His mom I know had an active hand in this and she is also not seeing what his problem is and fixating on my hitting him. I have no excuse for my behavior and I don't see any light right now. Even if he comes back, I don't think I can accept it. I hated the fact that his drinking is out of control but now, his friends tell me he is sober. It's a phase, I am sure. He has had me doubting my diagnosis of his problem these past few days.

Ariesagain

Say he does come crying back. You can expect maybe a week maybe a little longer of "sober" honeymoon behavior. Then his addiction will invent a reason he HAS to drink and you will be blamed. Then a relapse. Then a fight. Repeat. Is this how you want to live?

They can usually stay sober or at least hide their drinking for a few days to get a point across or win over a new enabler.

Non-problem drinkers don't call in sick to get drunk.

You didn't ruin it...alcohol did. And he likely won't ever see it that way, because his addiction thrives on isolating him and convincing him he's the victim here.

Ituvia

Will he ever regret walking out? I was keeping him in a cocoon. Protected his job from himself. I even took him on international vacations. TWICE. He broke up with me exactly a month after this. None of the five years matter to him or he is simply suppressing it? He is(was) not a bad guy and never spoke ill or did bad to anyone. Except now. His whole behavior seems strange this time.

Ariesagain

It's impossible to say if he'll regret leaving you in any kind of rational way. As long as his addiction is in charge, he may regret the loss of a warm, safe, funded place to drink and have his ass covered, but that won't be you as a partner, that's you as a great enabler.

Keep reading about codependency. People here have lost decades of their lives trying to make sense out of their addict's insanity. At least you don't have children together or a legal relationship to unravel.

It will get better.

Ituvia

I feel like I've become addicted in the process. When I won't drink, he'd keep asking me to drink. I am now drinking the loss of the relationship. Maybe I should attend AA and sort my sh*t too. I don't know. I drink two or three shots and sleep off and wake up crying thinking there is no one at home. My dogs are sensing something is off and keep coming to put their head on my lap. They don't deserve this.

Ariesagain

You have...you're addicted to him. You're addicted to the relationship and maybe to the drama?

Have you researched Al-Anon meetings in your area? It sounds like face-to-face support could be a big help.

Sending you a hug.

dandylion

Ituvia....I know that your whole being is crying out for "justice", right now.
When one is in a relationship that is controlled by, or centered around, addiction or abuse...all the the usual "rules" of relationships are turned upside down.
There is no "justice", in the way we usually think about it.

the only "justice" that we can have, in these situations, is to live well, yourself and to be happy, yourself.
Maybe, make that your goal to strive for.....

***don't forget that the symptoms that you are having are part of the natural, normal, expected grieving process....

Ituvia

There is on Al-Anon in my city, 50 KMs away. No car and two dogs to take care so I will have to try online meetings. I just don't want to end up getting addicted to alcohol during the mourning period.

atalose

Obsession seems to be the reason the relationship was never going to work. His obsession with booze and your obsession with him and his booze didn’t leave a whole lot of room for anything healthy. Not saying the break up was your fault but it does take 2 people to make a relationship work.

We can never date someone’s potential or bet our future on potential. Hell I have the potential of buying the winning lottery ticket and becoming financial set for life, but, It’s smart to plan my financial future on my here and now with what I have, not what I “might” get.

Yes, addicted to saving someone and doing everything you can to ensure YOUR happy future. But as most of us have discovered the hard way, we can’t save anyone except ourselves.

Then don’t! being consciously aware of NOT using alcohol to cope is the first step in assuring it won’t become an issue for you.

Breakups are hard, grieving takes time and taking all of that obsession and energy and thoughts about him and turning all of that inward towards working on yourself so that you will never again be in a toxic relationship with someone who is not capable of loving you in a healthy manner.

NewRomanMan

It's a horrible reality of alcoholism that once a person gets to a certain point, all the love in the world can't make them stop drinking if they don't want to. Your xabf is enslaved and enthralled to it the way it sounds. You didn't cause it, and you can't stop it. All you can do now is fight your way thru the hurt and do your best to move on with your life. Until xabf decides to make a change, his life is going to be filled with chaos, insanity and denial.
As much as it hurts, and I do know IT HURTS, consider yourself fortunate that it ended. Nothing you did mattered one bit. It's all about the booze. Nothing else.