Alcoholic boyfriend dumped me

Old 02-24-2017, 07:40 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Yeah, it was sort of a cowardly (and childish) way to break up, but that's one more reason you're better off without him in your life.

I hope you'll take some time to focus on what kept you in that relationship for so long when things were going so badly. Life shouldn't be one drama after another. You want your next relationship to be healthy, right? So spend some time getting yourself together, so you will eventually be in a position to have a GOOD relationship with someone who doesn't come with baggage like active addiction.
I am reading Codependent no more as I type this. It makes so much sense now. I've been in completely useless relationships in the past because they had anger issues, incompetent to find a job issue or the recent alcohol issues.
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Old 02-24-2017, 08:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Seeker21 View Post
But the insanity of this disease (and it IS insane) makes those who love the A become insane as well.
Yuuuup. This was my experience and I was only in it for 16 months. I could feel myself slowly losing grip on my own mind and mental health. I can only imagine the toll after years of this.

I really recommend what others have said - if at all possible, go completely no contact with him. Block his number from text and calling. Block him from any and all social media. It will make the grieving process easier.

Hugs to you. You will get through this.
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Old 02-24-2017, 09:26 AM
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He just showed up at my door, SOBER. Wanting to see the dogs.
I told him to get help. I ended up crying. I really wish I didn't.
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Old 02-24-2017, 09:46 AM
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Ituvia....don't be ashamed of crying. It is an emotional release and you are entitled to your emotions.
the worst thing would have been if you invited him back in with open arms......

It sounds, to me, like it was just a maneuver to keep you on the hook.....
And, after he had to gall to badmouth you about town!
the emotional maturity of a teenager.....?
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Old 02-24-2017, 09:53 AM
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You're allowed to be a human and have emotions (like crying)!

I also remember one of the passages in Pathways to Recovery (AlAnon literature) that says that some alcoholics will remain sober for some period of time in an effort to convince family members there is not a problem. I also think they are trying to convince themselves. So even though he is sober, I wouldn't put too much stake in that. My xabf was sober for a year with no recovery and that did not end well once he started drinking again. So unless he's in recovery and really working a program, he's a very sick man. This is a disease - a horrible one. And I recommend you read as much as you can about it. He is exhibiting very typical behaviors: trying to blame everything on you (heaven forbid he look at himself), distancing himself from someone who has created boundaries (good for you!), trying to get sober without recovery, engaging in immature and irrational behavior.

All you can do is take care of YOU. Treat yourself well. Do something nice for yourself like take a bath or paint your toes - whatever floats your boat. Be gentle with yourself.

And congrats on reading codependent no more! That's an act of self-care!
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Old 02-24-2017, 10:32 AM
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After leaving the house, he has told one of the workers in my complex that he is going to start gymming and admit himself to some recovery program. I am so skeptical right now because he misses the dogs and I'd like to believe to an extent the comfort of an enabler. Sounds so superficial. I loved this man so much but after reading so much, it'd appear that he is just going through the motions and not to be believed one bit.
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Old 02-24-2017, 10:36 AM
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The dogs have always been his everything and since they are rescues, he has always had a soft spot. I feel like he just showed up with an excuse. Like an alcoholic, I don't know what's real or true anymore. I am so suspicious.
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Old 02-24-2017, 10:55 AM
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Stay that way. It will serve you well.
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Old 02-24-2017, 10:57 PM
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I just read Shooting star's account of her life and bawled like a baby. I haven't suffered half of what she did and yet hurt is hurt. I kept reading the part about letting go and it's like someone is opening me up and pulling my insides out and asking me to let go of someone I love so deeply. Still, I know I can't do much else. That's heartbreaking. All that intelligence is going to waste.
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Old 02-25-2017, 01:30 AM
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I'd agree w/you that it seems like a waste for someone to drink away their life, their opportunities, their strength, their health, their smarts, their love. It seems like a terrible waste. I felt (and still feel) that way about XAH.

But, to quote Gandalf, "even the very wise cannot see all ends." You don't know what his future holds or what path he will travel to arrive there. I think all you can be sure of at this point is that staying with him would have caused you to waste your life, your opportunities, your strength, your health, your smarts, and your love.

People here advised me to imagine wrapping XAH in a blanket and turning him over to his Higher Power. That image felt too much like death to me and didn't work well, but I've since found other ways to imagine letting him go into the care of something/someone much greater than I, a power that will take care of him in ways I never could. That does work for me. Maybe it will for you too.
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Old 02-25-2017, 09:11 PM
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I miss him so much. I keep crying every morning. I am so angry. So angry that I don't even know what to do. Why can't he see wat he is doing? How is he so delusional and why did he throw me out like this?
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Old 02-25-2017, 09:17 PM
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His mind is taken over by his addiction. He probably could not answer this question of "how could you".

My XAH threw away our 12 year long marriage and our child. All for the love of booze and drugs.

I was 100% sure we are together forever until his last horrific relapse.

So cry. Be angry. You will work through this.

Sending you virtual hugs.

Originally Posted by Ituvia View Post
I miss him so much. I keep crying every morning. I am so angry. So angry that I don't even know what to do. Why can't he see wat he is doing? How is he so delusional and why did he throw me out like this?
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Old 02-25-2017, 10:00 PM
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It's like I am magically wanting him to "wake up" from his delusion and get help and make everything better. I don't know if he'd ever realize. I guess I will find out. Since he broke up with me, I don't even have a choice. Life sucks.
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Old 02-26-2017, 01:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Ituvia View Post
I don't even have a choice.
So entirely wrong.

Life sucks.
Equally wrong.

Life is what you make it. You do, indeed, have every choice. If you don't like the results you're getting now, make different choices.
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Old 02-27-2017, 05:31 AM
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He called today, I didn't pick up and he left a message wanting to take some of his stuff. I just don't know why he didn't take all of his crap last week when he visited. Just wants to see the dogs maybe? Not sure. I feel so alone all the time trying to read as much as I can but I just miss him, so much. So helpless and frustrated.
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Old 02-27-2017, 06:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Ituvia View Post
He called today, I didn't pick up and he left a message wanting to take some of his stuff. I just don't know why he didn't take all of his crap last week when he visited. Just wants to see the dogs maybe? Not sure. I feel so alone all the time trying to read as much as I can but I just miss him, so much. So helpless and frustrated.
If it were me I'd pack up his stuff and make sure it all goes with him and then go nc. I'd even leave it out front for him so you don't have to see him. He dumped you and now he's leaving the back door open to come back when his other options don't work out. He dumped your dogs too. Don't be tempted to be reasonable and let him have one if you were thinking it. My exah insisted on keeping two of our cats and nearly starved them to death and my DD and I had to rescue them while he was passed out drunk at 11 am. He didn't notice for a month they'd gone. He can't look after himself never mind a dog. The missing him will ease when you go NC.
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Old 02-27-2017, 06:04 AM
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I'm so very glad you have the dogs...it's best for them and for you.

Keep putting days behind you. They heal, even when it doesn't feel that way.
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Old 02-27-2017, 06:07 AM
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When he comes for some of his things hand him all of his things.
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Old 02-27-2017, 06:17 AM
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I've given everything now. Feel so angry.
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Old 02-27-2017, 06:22 AM
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The guy who came to pick up his stuff says he sounds drunk. Of course, he is drunk and now driving to come take his stuff.
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