Alcoholic boyfriend dumped me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
I am trying not to think what would happen to him. I understand everything everyone says, I am just not realizing it. If he ends up dead, I don't even want to know. It's better to think he is drunk somewhere than knowing he is dead. He has no one. No one who gives a sh*t anyway.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I think it is better not to know. to give them over to the forces of the Universe..
some say..Giving them over to God. Letting go and letting God.
You are assuming that he is totally helpless and unable to take care of himself.
You will be surprised how resourceful a person will become when they need to survive and have no other choice....
You probably feel like you have the unique ability to "save" him...so, you need to take care of him....
None of that is true. You don't have the power...
And, love is not enough, either....
You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't "fix" it.....
The best you can do is to get out of his way and stop enabling him....
some say..Giving them over to God. Letting go and letting God.
You are assuming that he is totally helpless and unable to take care of himself.
You will be surprised how resourceful a person will become when they need to survive and have no other choice....
You probably feel like you have the unique ability to "save" him...so, you need to take care of him....
None of that is true. You don't have the power...
And, love is not enough, either....
You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't "fix" it.....
The best you can do is to get out of his way and stop enabling him....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
From all the reports you're getting it sounds like he is fine.
The person I am worried about is you.
If you are concerned about your drinking, then remove it as an option for 'coping" with the grief over this relationship. Your obsessive thoughts about him are unhealthy. Dandylion is 100% correct -- you don't have the power to save him, but you absolutely have the power to save yourself.
The person I am worried about is you.
If you are concerned about your drinking, then remove it as an option for 'coping" with the grief over this relationship. Your obsessive thoughts about him are unhealthy. Dandylion is 100% correct -- you don't have the power to save him, but you absolutely have the power to save yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
He has no one. No one who gives a sh*t anyway.
I also came to know that he has been telling EVERYONE that I used him for money.
His mom I know had an active hand in this and she is also not seeing what his problem is and fixating on my hitting him.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd say your hitting him IS a problem. I know you realize you shouldn't have done that, but I think you're dismissing it a bit lightly. Living with active alcoholism can make anyone do things they regret, but physical abuse is a whole other animal.
It sounds to me like you are both better off not together. And I think you are overestimating the likelihood he will immediately drink himself to death. It isn't that easy to drink oneself to death--not to say it never happens, but I had a husband who almost died when his liver and kidneys shut down due to alcohol. I left him when he went back to drinking. That was 20 years ago, and somehow he is still alive. Still drinking, as far as I know, but still alive.
So let him and his family and friends deal with him and his issues, and you focus on your own.
If you can't get to an Al-Anon meeting, keep posting here, and read the "sticky" threads up top. Stop contact with him, his family, his friends. Focus on you.
It sounds to me like you are both better off not together. And I think you are overestimating the likelihood he will immediately drink himself to death. It isn't that easy to drink oneself to death--not to say it never happens, but I had a husband who almost died when his liver and kidneys shut down due to alcohol. I left him when he went back to drinking. That was 20 years ago, and somehow he is still alive. Still drinking, as far as I know, but still alive.
So let him and his family and friends deal with him and his issues, and you focus on your own.
If you can't get to an Al-Anon meeting, keep posting here, and read the "sticky" threads up top. Stop contact with him, his family, his friends. Focus on you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He has told everyone that it's over and that he wants nothing to do with me. He sent a text letting me know that he'd still support the dogs which I refused. I am worried that he might drink himself to death but his friends tell me that he hasn't had a drop since the break up. Is there anyway this person can turn his life around? I am clueless and so lost. I also came to know that he has been telling EVERYONE that I used him for money.
He has no one.
actually it sounds like he has quite a few someones? friends AND family who seem to have his back. we often put ourselves in the SAVIOR role.....and come to believe that we ARE all they have - they NEED us, we are the ONLY ones who understand and can help.
it's a myth, but it sure sounds good when we tell ourselves. we get to feel useful, essential, important. but what we are really doing is keeping them in a "one down" state - by pampering, protecting and pretending.
and it IS quite a jolt when they up and go all independent. say WHAT?
he's not helpless. he HAD turned on you. he does have others.
you lost yourself in all of this. now it's time to start finding her again!
He has no one.
actually it sounds like he has quite a few someones? friends AND family who seem to have his back. we often put ourselves in the SAVIOR role.....and come to believe that we ARE all they have - they NEED us, we are the ONLY ones who understand and can help.
it's a myth, but it sure sounds good when we tell ourselves. we get to feel useful, essential, important. but what we are really doing is keeping them in a "one down" state - by pampering, protecting and pretending.
and it IS quite a jolt when they up and go all independent. say WHAT?
he's not helpless. he HAD turned on you. he does have others.
you lost yourself in all of this. now it's time to start finding her again!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 20
Your story sounds so much like mine, especially the part where he turns on you. It's a horrible feeling when the person you love becomes someone you don't recognize and don't like. Read through this site. You will see your story over and over again - People who have come out the other side healthier and happier. You are not alone.
If you can't get to an AlAnon meeting in person, they have online meetings and telephone meetings I believe. AlAnon is the only thing that has kept me sane when I was spinning out of control with grief and obsession. They also have tons of literature which you can buy on amazon.
As far as your drinking, I get it. I drank myself silly after my xabf broke up with me "out of nowhere". That day, I realized I was using it to cope with the pain and I didn't want to do that anymore. You have a choice: you can cover it up with alcohol or you can face the pain and walk through it. Which will you feel better about a year from now?
I also recommend seeing a therapist. This is an extremely painful and difficult situation and it helps to have a professional to talk it through with.
You didn't do anything wrong in loving an alcoholic. But the insanity of this disease (and it IS insane) makes those who love the A become insane as well. You are coping the best you know how right now and that's okay. Just know there is help out there and better tools available to help you deal and heal.
Also journaling and praying really help. Take care of yourself because you matter. You are strong and you WILL make it through. One day at a time.
Hugs!
If you can't get to an AlAnon meeting in person, they have online meetings and telephone meetings I believe. AlAnon is the only thing that has kept me sane when I was spinning out of control with grief and obsession. They also have tons of literature which you can buy on amazon.
As far as your drinking, I get it. I drank myself silly after my xabf broke up with me "out of nowhere". That day, I realized I was using it to cope with the pain and I didn't want to do that anymore. You have a choice: you can cover it up with alcohol or you can face the pain and walk through it. Which will you feel better about a year from now?
I also recommend seeing a therapist. This is an extremely painful and difficult situation and it helps to have a professional to talk it through with.
You didn't do anything wrong in loving an alcoholic. But the insanity of this disease (and it IS insane) makes those who love the A become insane as well. You are coping the best you know how right now and that's okay. Just know there is help out there and better tools available to help you deal and heal.
Also journaling and praying really help. Take care of yourself because you matter. You are strong and you WILL make it through. One day at a time.
Hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
I wake up and go to bed each day crying. There is a battle in my head. I keep thinking why did HE dump me. His reasoning was that the fights became too much. Just two weeks back, he said we should get married and in four days he broke up. Hasn't once asked how I am doing. Has only ever asked about the dogs. How can someone just leave and not give one tiny bit of care?
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,666
Unfortunately, the first and foremost of an alcoholic is their next drink, whenever it will be and they can pull the wool over people's eyes for a long time. Never is their fault, always something else which caused them to drink, if confronted.
I'm sorry you're hurting, there are things you can do, but at the moment it is one step in front of the other. I'm sure you're reading the family and friends section, with people who have been what you're going through.
Take care and lots of hugs for you and your dogs.
I'm sorry you're hurting, there are things you can do, but at the moment it is one step in front of the other. I'm sure you're reading the family and friends section, with people who have been what you're going through.
Take care and lots of hugs for you and your dogs.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You can't assume that he never cared. We advise people all the time to avoid continued contact after a breakup. It only prolongs the pain and interrupts the grieving process.
Think of it as a "breakup" not as a "dump." He was ready for it; you weren't. Relatively few breakups are a mutual decision. Usually one person decides first that it isn't a good situation and s/he leaves. If the other person didn't see things the same way, there are all kinds of feelings of "rejection" when that isn't necessarily the case at all.
It will take time to work through the loss, but it will go much faster if you work on accepting that he's no longer part of your life. There's a happy future out there for you if you can let go of the past.
Think of it as a "breakup" not as a "dump." He was ready for it; you weren't. Relatively few breakups are a mutual decision. Usually one person decides first that it isn't a good situation and s/he leaves. If the other person didn't see things the same way, there are all kinds of feelings of "rejection" when that isn't necessarily the case at all.
It will take time to work through the loss, but it will go much faster if you work on accepting that he's no longer part of your life. There's a happy future out there for you if you can let go of the past.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
All of this makes so much sense. I just wish that we all had an "off" switch to turn off our feelings. I feel betrayed and abandoned all the time. I keep trying to make sense of it all. NOTHING makes sense. But I guess that's how we are and I should try to move on.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
His reasoning was that the fights became too much. Just two weeks back, he said we should get married and in four days he broke up. Hasn't once asked how I am doing.
Break ups are hard and painful but living with an active alcoholic who doesn’t treat you very well is more painful, more hurtful and often self- punishment and lowering of self- worth.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
Worst part is, he didn't even break up with me directly. He involved all of his family and my family and told his mom that I abuse him and use his money etc and that made her call my father to basically come and break us up. Even when my father was here, he never "broke up" but basically asked my father to give all of his stuff since it isn't "working out". How cowardly? He couldn't even sit me down and tell that to my face.
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
Oh Ituvia. I can tell you're hurting so badly. There are just so many things that just don't make sense when you're living in an alcoholic's world. There's an old saying that goes "addicts and alcoholic don't have relationships. They take hostages". And it's true. You're finding out the hard way. But believe me, and I know I told you before, this isn't about you as much as it is the insanity of his alcoholism. That's a hallmark of it. The confusion and chaos and destruction we leave in our wake. Take this time to take care of yourself, to work thru your feelings. Right now it's crucial that you do..it's about your survival, too, you know. =)
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ituvia.....for lack of a better term....I will say that the alcoholic mind is "twisted".
One can't expect a drinking alcoholic...or a person with alcoholic thinking...to behave like a normal sober person would......
You can drive yourself crazy by trying to figure out his "crazy".......
One can't expect a drinking alcoholic...or a person with alcoholic thinking...to behave like a normal sober person would......
You can drive yourself crazy by trying to figure out his "crazy".......
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
A person of sound mind doesn't go from let's get married to break up in three days, does it?
no....but while you were quite willing to believe the "let's get married" WORDS, you struggle with the "i don't want to do this anymore" WORDS.
it was all messed up gobbledygook. no one statement had any more weight or merit than another.
no....but while you were quite willing to believe the "let's get married" WORDS, you struggle with the "i don't want to do this anymore" WORDS.
it was all messed up gobbledygook. no one statement had any more weight or merit than another.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 432
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
A person of sound mind doesn't go from let's get married to break up in three days, does it?
no....but while you were quite willing to believe the "let's get married" WORDS, you struggle with the "i don't want to do this anymore" WORDS.
it was all messed up gobbledygook. no one statement had any more weight or merit than another.
no....but while you were quite willing to believe the "let's get married" WORDS, you struggle with the "i don't want to do this anymore" WORDS.
it was all messed up gobbledygook. no one statement had any more weight or merit than another.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, it was sort of a cowardly (and childish) way to break up, but that's one more reason you're better off without him in your life.
I hope you'll take some time to focus on what kept you in that relationship for so long when things were going so badly. Life shouldn't be one drama after another. You want your next relationship to be healthy, right? So spend some time getting yourself together, so you will eventually be in a position to have a GOOD relationship with someone who doesn't come with baggage like active addiction.
I hope you'll take some time to focus on what kept you in that relationship for so long when things were going so badly. Life shouldn't be one drama after another. You want your next relationship to be healthy, right? So spend some time getting yourself together, so you will eventually be in a position to have a GOOD relationship with someone who doesn't come with baggage like active addiction.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
