Barely hanging on since husband left after getting sober
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: nj
Posts: 58
Barely hanging on since husband left after getting sober
I need help. It's been 3 miserable weeks since my husband of 20 years (together for 26) left me after declaring I am the cause of his drinking and he deserves to be happy.
He has been a terrible alcoholic, nasty, verbally abusive, hid money and spent it on beer and cigs for years. Behavior unpredictable and often awful. we walked on egg shells. It has taken its toll on all of us.
We prayed for him to get sober (church going family) for so long and when he started to go to AA we were excited and encouraging.
Then he started to attend more mtgs, stayed away from house longer and longer (the mtgs don't last for hours). Started to sleep on couch, said it was my fault, that I gained wt ( Nevermind..he called me fat!!)
Lazy, a bad housewife, (I work full time, he has winters off because of his job). I never have off, unless I take my vacation days (we have no money to go anywhere cause he has spent so much over the years on his addiction). Boring. Said the kids and I never wanted to do anything with him (Partly truthful, because when he was nasty, we avoided him. He did pay some monthly bills, but it never amounted to what he made.
He was sober 6 mos when he decided to leave. He moved out while I was at work..omg that was truly awful!
He is turning 50 this yr and hates it. He keeps saying his dad died at 59 so he only has 10 years left, and he wants to try new things, and I'm the old thing(56).
We have 2 boys 17 and 20, who are just as hurt and sad that he left.
We have prayed and prayed he would get sober and be the husband/ father I knew he could be. He says he didn't leave his boys, only me. But we don't see it that way. He broke up our family, just when we thought we would finally be that happy (relative term I know) family.
I found out he has a gf. I'm sure that's why he was sleeping on couch (not to be unfaithful to her, by sleeping with his wife) Ugh!!
I feel gut punched. Why when he has finally gotten sober did he toss me away like some discarded piece of trash? I have stood by him for 26 years. Never been unfaithful (though sorely tempted when he was in full alcoholic mode)
Why am I crying over him? How could he do this to the boys? Why do I still love him and want him back? My friends are Our friends- all still married and I work with them. No one to talk to there.
I work at a Church where divorce is a big no, no. Only selfish people get divorces, wife must not have met his needs etc. Sexist BS I know. And if people have never been in a relationship with an alcoholic they can't relate.
I have been working there 8+ years and I am to mentally broken and shaky to look elsewhere. It sucks to be at work and sucks to be home.
I did go to about 8 Alanon Mtgs (not connecting there) and have gone to Dr because I am am having panic attacks and can't sleep. He gave me meds to try. I joined the gym but not very comfortable there, but am trying to go a few times a wk. (And trust me, I look as terrible as I feel)
I feel abandoned, alone and frightened. I feel like such a loser. Please help!
Thank you for reading this
He has been a terrible alcoholic, nasty, verbally abusive, hid money and spent it on beer and cigs for years. Behavior unpredictable and often awful. we walked on egg shells. It has taken its toll on all of us.
We prayed for him to get sober (church going family) for so long and when he started to go to AA we were excited and encouraging.
Then he started to attend more mtgs, stayed away from house longer and longer (the mtgs don't last for hours). Started to sleep on couch, said it was my fault, that I gained wt ( Nevermind..he called me fat!!)
Lazy, a bad housewife, (I work full time, he has winters off because of his job). I never have off, unless I take my vacation days (we have no money to go anywhere cause he has spent so much over the years on his addiction). Boring. Said the kids and I never wanted to do anything with him (Partly truthful, because when he was nasty, we avoided him. He did pay some monthly bills, but it never amounted to what he made.
He was sober 6 mos when he decided to leave. He moved out while I was at work..omg that was truly awful!
He is turning 50 this yr and hates it. He keeps saying his dad died at 59 so he only has 10 years left, and he wants to try new things, and I'm the old thing(56).
We have 2 boys 17 and 20, who are just as hurt and sad that he left.
We have prayed and prayed he would get sober and be the husband/ father I knew he could be. He says he didn't leave his boys, only me. But we don't see it that way. He broke up our family, just when we thought we would finally be that happy (relative term I know) family.
I found out he has a gf. I'm sure that's why he was sleeping on couch (not to be unfaithful to her, by sleeping with his wife) Ugh!!
I feel gut punched. Why when he has finally gotten sober did he toss me away like some discarded piece of trash? I have stood by him for 26 years. Never been unfaithful (though sorely tempted when he was in full alcoholic mode)
Why am I crying over him? How could he do this to the boys? Why do I still love him and want him back? My friends are Our friends- all still married and I work with them. No one to talk to there.
I work at a Church where divorce is a big no, no. Only selfish people get divorces, wife must not have met his needs etc. Sexist BS I know. And if people have never been in a relationship with an alcoholic they can't relate.
I have been working there 8+ years and I am to mentally broken and shaky to look elsewhere. It sucks to be at work and sucks to be home.
I did go to about 8 Alanon Mtgs (not connecting there) and have gone to Dr because I am am having panic attacks and can't sleep. He gave me meds to try. I joined the gym but not very comfortable there, but am trying to go a few times a wk. (And trust me, I look as terrible as I feel)
I feel abandoned, alone and frightened. I feel like such a loser. Please help!
Thank you for reading this
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Cincinnati
Posts: 103
((hugs))
Take a deep breathe and relax.
Stop beating yourself up and talking so down about yourself. I'm pretty sure you are nowhere near of being an loser.
Seems to me it's more of you not knowing your own identity without your husband. Its all new to you which it happens when it comes to separations and divorces.
The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost.
They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief.
Take a deep breathe and relax.
Stop beating yourself up and talking so down about yourself. I'm pretty sure you are nowhere near of being an loser.
Seems to me it's more of you not knowing your own identity without your husband. Its all new to you which it happens when it comes to separations and divorces.
The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost.
They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Oh boy, alcoholic in middle age crisis is a doozy.
Sorry you have to deal with this - while I initiated divorce my XAH on my own - the story was somewhat similar - he frequently mentioned that he did not want to be married anymore, and relapsed several times. He is also 50, like your A, and his father died at 59. His whole family has alcoholic tendencies and tendency to abandon their wives. And their clueless wives taking them back in when they realize the grass is not always greener.
You are grieving now - but you know what? You are much better off in a long run. Let him go and live his wonderful life. He won't be different for other people. Let someone else to be his servant and ego feeder. My XAH found himself a drug user alcoholic unemployed GF for a couple of weeks in the middle of his relapse. She was his age, I am 13 years younger than his is. The funny part is that she called on his cell (it was in my possession when he was in rehab), and I talked to her and explained that he is now available to move in with her. While she was drunk out of her mind, she still sounded terrified of that perspective and yelled that no way I don't want anything to do with your husband. Even drunk unemployed chicks don't want him
XAH is staying with his brother, sober, penniless, constantly whining about missing his son while skipping scheduled visits. When I point it out -he starts raging that I am entitled and make him want to drink. I dread interacting with him. And yes, he discarded both me and my DS.
Remember - you are worth and you are beautiful - don't let his awful behavior get you down. Stay strong and never take him back - he will crawl back at some point - I am 100% sure of that. No contact is a way to go
Now please go do something for yourself - pamper yourself with mani/pedi (salon or homemade work the same), go for a walk, take a bubble bath.
As for not making his needs - did he meet any of yours? I've bet the answer is a big NO. He not only did not meet your needs - he abused you verbally. If I remember correctly - church accepts adultery, abuse and addiction as reasons for divorce. You have all three.
You will be just fine without his garbage. And your kids as well.
Sorry you have to deal with this - while I initiated divorce my XAH on my own - the story was somewhat similar - he frequently mentioned that he did not want to be married anymore, and relapsed several times. He is also 50, like your A, and his father died at 59. His whole family has alcoholic tendencies and tendency to abandon their wives. And their clueless wives taking them back in when they realize the grass is not always greener.
You are grieving now - but you know what? You are much better off in a long run. Let him go and live his wonderful life. He won't be different for other people. Let someone else to be his servant and ego feeder. My XAH found himself a drug user alcoholic unemployed GF for a couple of weeks in the middle of his relapse. She was his age, I am 13 years younger than his is. The funny part is that she called on his cell (it was in my possession when he was in rehab), and I talked to her and explained that he is now available to move in with her. While she was drunk out of her mind, she still sounded terrified of that perspective and yelled that no way I don't want anything to do with your husband. Even drunk unemployed chicks don't want him
XAH is staying with his brother, sober, penniless, constantly whining about missing his son while skipping scheduled visits. When I point it out -he starts raging that I am entitled and make him want to drink. I dread interacting with him. And yes, he discarded both me and my DS.
Remember - you are worth and you are beautiful - don't let his awful behavior get you down. Stay strong and never take him back - he will crawl back at some point - I am 100% sure of that. No contact is a way to go
Now please go do something for yourself - pamper yourself with mani/pedi (salon or homemade work the same), go for a walk, take a bubble bath. As for not making his needs - did he meet any of yours? I've bet the answer is a big NO. He not only did not meet your needs - he abused you verbally. If I remember correctly - church accepts adultery, abuse and addiction as reasons for divorce. You have all three.
You will be just fine without his garbage. And your kids as well.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sina...I think that alyn has a good point....about not knowing your identity without your husband, And, it is very common for this to happen after along relationship when everything has been centered around another person.....
It is essential that you be around those who truly do understand, beyond mere words, what you have/are going through.
Even if you don't feel comfy (yet) in alanon or the gym....at least, you won't get criticism, there!! Better to get out of the house than to keep it all bottled up, inside.
It think that it would be a good idea for you to change jobs...at least, start thinking about it and planning for it. to me, it doesn't sound like a work environment that serves you, any longer. It is no longer 1955....and, you are living in the world as it is today, where women are more free to make their own choices. You can't live your life for other people....(I don't care WHO they are).
You are going to go through a grieving process...It can't be avoided...it is only natural, after such a loss....
But, you will get through it, during the next weeks/months...And, remember that it is short-term pain. sounds like you have lived through years of pain already...so, I know you can get through this.....and, this is short term pain for the long-term gain.
It is going to be in your best interest to make some necessary changes in your life. don't be afraid of these changes. It is what will make it possible for your life to go on and become better!
Believe it , or not, life will go on, and, the sun will come out, again, for you...and, you will laugh, again.....
I hope you hang around this forum,,,keep posting...keep reading and keep learning!
It is essential that you be around those who truly do understand, beyond mere words, what you have/are going through.
Even if you don't feel comfy (yet) in alanon or the gym....at least, you won't get criticism, there!! Better to get out of the house than to keep it all bottled up, inside.
It think that it would be a good idea for you to change jobs...at least, start thinking about it and planning for it. to me, it doesn't sound like a work environment that serves you, any longer. It is no longer 1955....and, you are living in the world as it is today, where women are more free to make their own choices. You can't live your life for other people....(I don't care WHO they are).
You are going to go through a grieving process...It can't be avoided...it is only natural, after such a loss....
But, you will get through it, during the next weeks/months...And, remember that it is short-term pain. sounds like you have lived through years of pain already...so, I know you can get through this.....and, this is short term pain for the long-term gain.
It is going to be in your best interest to make some necessary changes in your life. don't be afraid of these changes. It is what will make it possible for your life to go on and become better!
Believe it , or not, life will go on, and, the sun will come out, again, for you...and, you will laugh, again.....
I hope you hang around this forum,,,keep posting...keep reading and keep learning!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
Hi Hurting. Personally to me it doesn't sound like your husband has really embraced recovery in any meaningful way. In fact, he sounds like an as****e dry drunk. Being sober is not the same as being in recovery. And sad as it is, there are ppl in AA meetings all the time that never really get it or never really try. They want just enough to keep them from drinking but don't really want to better themselves, which is the whole idea of working the steps. I'm guessing on of two things is going to happen. He's either going to relapse before too long or he's going to be so miserable sober that you're better off without him. Leave him to his own devices and see how far it gets him. Work on healing yourself and caring for your children and helping them get thru this. Your husband is still a very sick man, IMHO.
Recovering Codependent
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by NewRomanMan 
He's either going to relapse before too long or he's going to be so miserable sober that you're better off without him. Leave him to his own devices and see how far it gets him. Work on healing yourself and caring for your children and helping them get thru this. Your husband is still a very sick man, IMHO.
I know it hurts, and there's so many feelings of anger and betrayal that weave through this picture. Keep going to different Al-Anon meetings, you'll find the right environment for you. Keep at it at the gym. Soon you'll find that focusing on yourself means you're not focusing on who's watching you at the gym, OR find a gym with a women's only section. Spend time with your kids and help them to understand... let them ask the questions you know they've been holding on to for a long time. Put the option for Alateen on the table for them, too (but don't force).
You've got a great support group here... these lovely people have helped me tremendously. Keep Coming Back and reaching out for that support any time you need it; that's what this group is for - we're here for YOU!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hugs to you. I am sorry for what you are going through. Find another church, one that will support YOU. Get lots of face to face support and keep coming back to SR, there is wonderful support here as well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Hi HurtingDina. Hang in there hon, and here is a big cyber-hug coming your way.
Mid life can be tough even when it is not coupled with addiction and relationship issues. (I'm hitting my mid fifties soon). We start to question so much about ourselves: How far we've come in life so far...yet how far we still feel like we need to go....changes in our physical bodies....energy lags. The list goes on. When you have a spouse the beats you down it is ten times worse.
Just remember you still have so much to offer, you really do. Let him have the girlfriend, and let her have him. She's not getting a prize. The most heart-breaking thing is the kids.
And no, don't expect the church to "understand". They don't know what you live with day in and day out. But someone at church may surprise you too. There might be someone just like you that goes to church whose husband left her for someone younger or someone married to someone with addiction issues and they feel trapped like they have to 'endure'.
When you do go to the gym, try not to think too much about how you LOOK. Tell yourself you are there to FEEL better. If you stick with it you will both feel better and look better....but the benefits of exercise can be experienced right away. Gives your complexion a warm glow and helps with moods.
Connecting at Alanon: Don't have any great advice except open yourself up and don't be afraid to open up.
Mid life can be tough even when it is not coupled with addiction and relationship issues. (I'm hitting my mid fifties soon). We start to question so much about ourselves: How far we've come in life so far...yet how far we still feel like we need to go....changes in our physical bodies....energy lags. The list goes on. When you have a spouse the beats you down it is ten times worse.
Just remember you still have so much to offer, you really do. Let him have the girlfriend, and let her have him. She's not getting a prize. The most heart-breaking thing is the kids.
And no, don't expect the church to "understand". They don't know what you live with day in and day out. But someone at church may surprise you too. There might be someone just like you that goes to church whose husband left her for someone younger or someone married to someone with addiction issues and they feel trapped like they have to 'endure'.
When you do go to the gym, try not to think too much about how you LOOK. Tell yourself you are there to FEEL better. If you stick with it you will both feel better and look better....but the benefits of exercise can be experienced right away. Gives your complexion a warm glow and helps with moods.
Connecting at Alanon: Don't have any great advice except open yourself up and don't be afraid to open up.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Dina--glad you made it over here to "Family and Friends." I hope you can spend some time reading around the threads, and do make sure not to miss the stickied threads at the top of the page. There is a whole education about alcoholism, codependency, and everything else relating to addiction and recovery there.
Everyone here has been in your shoes and gets it. I hope to hear more from you in the days to come.
Everyone here has been in your shoes and gets it. I hope to hear more from you in the days to come.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: nj
Posts: 58
Thank you, thank you!!!!!!!
Now for possible insanity on my part
I got so angry yesterday. He told my sons he would see them, they had spoken earlier and said he was tired and was going to take a nap and then call back to see them. He never did! Son was hurt. I drove to his parents house where he is supposed to be living at 12am. Cars were there but not his. His "gf" lives an hour and a half away. All I could think was that A....hole was at her house instead of with my sons. I didn't drive to her house, but came home to my sons. But I am contemplating it. She has a well known business where she lives and I have thought of dropping by as a customer. I was going to be friendly with her and bring up whether my "Fake Hubby" would like some thing she sells and ask if she is married or has a bf who likes that.
Has anyone ever talked to the other woman without them knowing who you are? He is still MY husband. Do you just try not to fight for a 20+ yr marriage? Even though he has treated me badly? and yes she knew he is married with kids.
Do i just let her ride off with my husband? I am not excusing his behavior, but why would someone sleep with a married man with kids?
Now for possible insanity on my part
I got so angry yesterday. He told my sons he would see them, they had spoken earlier and said he was tired and was going to take a nap and then call back to see them. He never did! Son was hurt. I drove to his parents house where he is supposed to be living at 12am. Cars were there but not his. His "gf" lives an hour and a half away. All I could think was that A....hole was at her house instead of with my sons. I didn't drive to her house, but came home to my sons. But I am contemplating it. She has a well known business where she lives and I have thought of dropping by as a customer. I was going to be friendly with her and bring up whether my "Fake Hubby" would like some thing she sells and ask if she is married or has a bf who likes that.
Has anyone ever talked to the other woman without them knowing who you are? He is still MY husband. Do you just try not to fight for a 20+ yr marriage? Even though he has treated me badly? and yes she knew he is married with kids.
Do i just let her ride off with my husband? I am not excusing his behavior, but why would someone sleep with a married man with kids?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: nj
Posts: 58
On a plus note I did 50 min on treadmill at gym and getting my hair colored and cut tonight. I hope it helps boost me up a bit.
Not a total wacko, but boy the feelings in my head play mind games with me.
Almost like when he was here
Not a total wacko, but boy the feelings in my head play mind games with me.
Almost like when he was here
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
DINA.... I understand the anger....and, many a person has had th oughts of revenge toward the "other person".....I think that is human nature....
However, resist actually acting on it, is my advice. Try writing every awful thing you can think of doing on a piece of paper...and, then, tear up the paper, or burn it, immediately. Or, do the "Wailing Wall" exercise...that is my personal favorite and what worked so well, for me.
Because, if you do the "deed"....you will be labled as the "crazy" one....
I don't think that "fighting for your marriage" is a concept that applies, here.
It sounds like the marriage has been gone for a while, now....
It takes two to make a marriage...and, he has checked out....
there is no point in continuing something that is destructive...just because you have already put so much time into it.....
I have heard that called "casino logic"....where people keep putting money into the slot machine...just because they have already put so much money in...
I know it doesn't seem like it, to you, now....but she is not your enemy....HE is the one who has broken your heart. If it wasn't her...it would be someone else.
He is not an innocent victim of some woman's wiles...she wouldn't be with him if he hadn't wanted to. LOL...she is in for a big "surprise", down the road....(let that thought sooth your ravaged heart)......
However, resist actually acting on it, is my advice. Try writing every awful thing you can think of doing on a piece of paper...and, then, tear up the paper, or burn it, immediately. Or, do the "Wailing Wall" exercise...that is my personal favorite and what worked so well, for me.
Because, if you do the "deed"....you will be labled as the "crazy" one....
I don't think that "fighting for your marriage" is a concept that applies, here.
It sounds like the marriage has been gone for a while, now....
It takes two to make a marriage...and, he has checked out....
there is no point in continuing something that is destructive...just because you have already put so much time into it.....
I have heard that called "casino logic"....where people keep putting money into the slot machine...just because they have already put so much money in...
I know it doesn't seem like it, to you, now....but she is not your enemy....HE is the one who has broken your heart. If it wasn't her...it would be someone else.
He is not an innocent victim of some woman's wiles...she wouldn't be with him if he hadn't wanted to. LOL...she is in for a big "surprise", down the road....(let that thought sooth your ravaged heart)......
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
One of the things I learned in Alanon is there are "church people" and there are "church people". Before recovery I never hesitated to judge "church people" about how judgemental (I thought) they were.. big irony. But in recovery I learned about how many of them suffer from addiction or living with it also, and would only ever embrace a newcomer to the "lifestyle" no matter the particulars. Sometimes it seems like the person-to-person "recovery network" spans all the nearby churches and congregations. Some spend at least as much time in the basements of the area churches which they never attend than they spend in the chapel of their chosen church.
Perhaps by finding those people in that recovery network would give a counterpoint to the "normies", and some of the "normies" might understand more than you think.
I think its great you're making those recovery choices though. It took me a while to feel at home in Alanon and learn how to express myself. One thing that might help is to listen to AA and Alanon podcasts- loads of them are online in various forms. The usual Alanon recommendation is to find some from Mary Pearl. You can listen to them however/whenever you like, I've found them very helpful.
Perhaps by finding those people in that recovery network would give a counterpoint to the "normies", and some of the "normies" might understand more than you think.
I think its great you're making those recovery choices though. It took me a while to feel at home in Alanon and learn how to express myself. One thing that might help is to listen to AA and Alanon podcasts- loads of them are online in various forms. The usual Alanon recommendation is to find some from Mary Pearl. You can listen to them however/whenever you like, I've found them very helpful.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
For me, the hardest part of all of this was acceptance.
My alcoholic mother was not the mother I needed, my alcoholic ex-boyfriend was not the partner I needed or deserved, and all the wishing and hoping and yelling and screaming and manipulating and guilting and feeling sorry for myself wasn't going to change that one iota.
When I could accept them for who they WERE, rather than who I WISHED they were -- only then was it possible for me to find peace and happiness.
Peace and happiness looks different than I always imagined it was supposed to look, and that was okay, too.
Playing some game with the new gf isn't going to change your husband into a better man, or make anyone realize what they're doing is hurtful and decide to change. It's only going to wind you further and further up into some magical thinking that if he would just get it somehow, then your life would be fixed and perfect.
Only you have the power to change your life. And you do have it, no matter how much it feels right now like you don't.
My alcoholic mother was not the mother I needed, my alcoholic ex-boyfriend was not the partner I needed or deserved, and all the wishing and hoping and yelling and screaming and manipulating and guilting and feeling sorry for myself wasn't going to change that one iota.
When I could accept them for who they WERE, rather than who I WISHED they were -- only then was it possible for me to find peace and happiness.
Peace and happiness looks different than I always imagined it was supposed to look, and that was okay, too.
Playing some game with the new gf isn't going to change your husband into a better man, or make anyone realize what they're doing is hurtful and decide to change. It's only going to wind you further and further up into some magical thinking that if he would just get it somehow, then your life would be fixed and perfect.
Only you have the power to change your life. And you do have it, no matter how much it feels right now like you don't.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
DINA....another thought....for your boys....they are going to need some support , also......they can go to alateen....or, even better...Adult Children of Alcoholics group.....At this age...they are more inclined to be more open to peers or others, than their mother...lol...
In case there are are no meeetings in your area...there are Adult Children of Alcoholics Books available on Amazon.com. workbooks, too....
Living with an alcoholic father is bound to have effects on them, into their own adult lives and relationships.....
In case there are are no meeetings in your area...there are Adult Children of Alcoholics Books available on Amazon.com. workbooks, too....
Living with an alcoholic father is bound to have effects on them, into their own adult lives and relationships.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
"I work at a Church where divorce is a big no, no. Only selfish people get divorces, wife must not have met his needs etc. ..."
I spoke with the head of a mens' ministry at one of our local churches, who told me that if one of their guys gets hooked on porn, it is the wife's fault. She ,to put it bluntly, was not "putting out" enough.
What you are speaking about is abuse, pure and simple.
Divorce and remarriage can be an issue. Leaving an abusive relationship is an entirely different matter.
I know you have a LOT on your plate right now, but I hope you can find another job and church environment that is more supportive.
I spoke with the head of a mens' ministry at one of our local churches, who told me that if one of their guys gets hooked on porn, it is the wife's fault. She ,to put it bluntly, was not "putting out" enough.
What you are speaking about is abuse, pure and simple.
Divorce and remarriage can be an issue. Leaving an abusive relationship is an entirely different matter.
I know you have a LOT on your plate right now, but I hope you can find another job and church environment that is more supportive.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think many of us have done "driveway slips" - raising own hand here. but that can snowball on you and really end with some awful consequences. it's just as likely he was out drinking and that took precedent over his children.
all you really need to know is he didn't do what he said he would. start keeping a log of this behavior. i'd also suggest having a talk with your boys - explaining to them that their father is not acting reliably and that they should not assume he will do what he says. lowering expectations.
i'm sure it does feel like a kick in the gut.....but really it's not like The Man of the Year walked out on you......
He has been a terrible alcoholic, nasty, verbally abusive, hid money and spent it on beer and cigs for years. Behavior unpredictable and often awful. we walked on egg shells. It has taken its toll on all of us.
when you sober up mean nasty people you get sober mean nasty people. the alcohol was just a symptom.
i am very sorry for your church's stance on marriage and the archaic sexist attitude that it is the wife's DUTY to put out, keep them happy, do more, be more, without any expectation that the man should also take responsibility. i do not mean to sound rude or glib, but maybe you could do with a new more progressive open minded spiritual community.
all you really need to know is he didn't do what he said he would. start keeping a log of this behavior. i'd also suggest having a talk with your boys - explaining to them that their father is not acting reliably and that they should not assume he will do what he says. lowering expectations.
i'm sure it does feel like a kick in the gut.....but really it's not like The Man of the Year walked out on you......
He has been a terrible alcoholic, nasty, verbally abusive, hid money and spent it on beer and cigs for years. Behavior unpredictable and often awful. we walked on egg shells. It has taken its toll on all of us.
when you sober up mean nasty people you get sober mean nasty people. the alcohol was just a symptom.
i am very sorry for your church's stance on marriage and the archaic sexist attitude that it is the wife's DUTY to put out, keep them happy, do more, be more, without any expectation that the man should also take responsibility. i do not mean to sound rude or glib, but maybe you could do with a new more progressive open minded spiritual community.
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