firebolt

Yes, by all means.

I get it, 20 years is a long time. He DOES deserve to be happy, and so do you!

He is verbally abusive, he didn't contribute much, he doesn't mind ditching out on his kids, and now he's a cheater.

I hope you can take some focus off him, and certainly off her and her motives, and focus on you, the kids, and what things YOU can to to make a happy life for yourself. You spent over 20 years hoping he would get better and change, what can you change to make your life a good one? If you are anything like me, I didn't know who I was without a partner.

We have to take a step back. We spend so much time hoping they will get their $h!t together to make OUR lives a good one, when the whole time....WE had the power to do it. The universe is forcing you to now - as awful as things may seem right now, THIS is your chance to change it all!

I know how painful it all is, but if you can redirect your energy back to yourself, it won't be that way forever. Be good to yourself right now, you've earned some peace!

hopeful4

You are not going to like my answer.

Yes, you let her ride off with your husband. You don't have a lot of choice. Blame him. It's hard telling what sort of BS he has told her.

I found out when I got divorced that my X told his current wife that we had an open marriage and I was fine w/him being w/other women! OMG...so not true. Who is the a$$ there, definitely him. Now, she is a piece of crap as well, and low and behold, they are made for each other.

That being said, it does not help with the hurt and confusion. Nor does it take away from the most awful thing in the world, seeing your children hurt.

Take care of you and your kids. Hugs.

honeypig

I just stumbled across this saying:

Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun b/c they missed you the first time.

It seems to me you've been giving this man bullets for his gun for a long, long time. No wonder you feel tattered and torn! Cut off that ammunition supply and find some peace for yourself.

dandylion

Do I let her just ride off with my husband?
Yes, like firebolt said....yes.
for one thing...what other choice do you really have?
Now, if it is a feeling of revenge that you want(as we discussed, earlier).....
Just wait...time will do that. KARMA will visit her, big time. When KARNA pays a visit...we never forget it...lol.

Doing anything else, casts you in the role of the "crazy" woman who is trying to hold on to someone who doesn't want to stay. It will make you feel even worse--I promise......

It is better to do the writing exercise and the wailing wall exercise. It will help to get the negative energy out of your body.....it works, if you are willing to do it....

Be angry at him...he left you....she couldn't take him...unless he wanted her to!!!! If not her, it would be somebody else. She is just a pawn in the game.....
Don't spin your wheels on her......

dandylion

Do I let her just ride off with my husband?
Yes, like firebolt said....yes.
for one thing...what other choice do you really have?
Now, if it is a feeling of revenge that you want(as we discussed, earlier).....
Just wait...time will do that. KARMA will visit her, big time. When KARNA pays a visit...we never forget it...lol.

Doing anything else, casts you in the role of the "crazy" woman who is trying to hold on to someone who doesn't want to stay. It will make you feel even worse--I promise......

It is better to do the writing exercise and the wailing wall exercise. It will help to get the negative energy out of your body.....it works, if you are willing to do it....

Be angry at him...he left you....she couldn't take him...unless he wanted her to!!!! If not her, it would be somebody else. She is just a pawn in the game.....
Don't spin your wheels on her......

HURTINGDINA

Omg, I can't tell you how appreciative I am of all your responses. He hasn't called my sons today either, made no plans even though he was off for the holidays. Words cannot describe the looks on their faces as the day got later and later and still no dad. WTF!
One son went to work for a few hours and I took my oldest to walking in the state park. Trying to spend time with him in his dad's absence. He said it was nice walking and spending time with me. I did have a bad moment when my son said we had had some great past memories. Of course those were with his dad. Made me cry. I'm a great Mom, and I don't want them disappointed or more hurt than the situation calls for. But again, I'm the one here dealing with their pain as well as mine. Even not here, he is affecting us. Makes me sad and really pissed.
A lot of good suggestions. Wailing wall exercise?

HURTINGDINA

And I truly thank you for listening to me.
Thank you for the hugs for me and my boys and your prayers.
I really need your support during this awful time.
Dina

Mklove

I totally agree. Google her if you have curiousity, I know I would. Great suggestions here, it's time for you. But the void he left is real and it will take time to rearrange your life to fill the void. Soon you will be amazed you were treated like that, it will no longer seem ok.

LynCM

WHEW that quote is a doozy. So powerful, and so true. Thanks for sharing that, HP!

LynCM

I think that SO MANY of us have been in this situation. You have invested SO much time and effort, you've stuck through SO much. This is where boundaries come into play. Where do you draw the line? Where have you already moved the goalpost to 'give him another chance?'

DL, thanks for the great quote. I read that and I immediately stopped in my tracks and said, "Yup, THAT IS ME."

Refiner

Oh gosh Dina NO don't play games with the GF to try and dig up info on him. It really isn't worth your time and will only make you even angrier however I totally understand how curious you are! And what "marriage" are you trying to save? That will only totally humiliate you if you try. I know 20 years of marriage is a long time, but do you really want what that marriage that it's become BACK? Keep the focus on YOU and keep moving straight ahead without even looking at him (I know, HARD!). You sound strong and SMART. Don't fall back into his awful trap when drunk chick tires of him and he sees the grass isn't greener bc 99.999999% of the time that's EXACTLY what they do when not in TRUE recovery!

firebolt

True, BUT, now there is an end in sight to him affecting you. If he was stoll there, that would not be the case.

hopeful4

You and your sons will have to come to realize that his behavior is his. It's not for you to own and you cannot change it. It's heartwrenching to see your children be hurt, but in the end they will know you are there for them. Be their rock.

Hugs.

alyn528

Your post brought me back to how I was with my ex husband and when I found out he had an "gf" I was so mad at him but more at the girl he was with because I put all the blame on her thinking how could this girl be with an married man and how she was a homewrecker breaking up an family and marriage but I wasn't putting the blame where it belonged and that was on him, my husband. I was in such denial the fact why would he leave me his wife, his child to go be with this not attractive girl but in reality he did just that. He left us! It took many a few years to finally get over that feeling of abandonment and betrayal and hurt over what he did to me and also what he did within our marriage and our family. I also had to remind myself the girl was not getting much she was getting my leftovers, my headache and an non caring abusive man and the fact he cheated on me with her so most likely he would do the same thing to her one day too. Try your best to not getting mad or upset start being grateful that he will now be her headache rather than yours! I'm just letting you know there is an light at the end of the tunnel and don't let him and this girl define and stop you from being an amazing loving caring beautiful woman that you are!



Because HE ALLOWED IT TO HAPPEN!!!!

HURTINGDINA

Originally Posted by honeypig View Post
I just stumbled across this saying:

Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun b/c they missed you the first time.

OMG!!!!
That is an amazing quote!
Yikers, my head is so messed up. I need to re-program my brain to think a new way.

You all are amazing people and no one has been kind to me in a long time, your making me cry.

FireSprite

Love. This. So. Much.

I can't thank you enough for this one honeypig - definitely a classic that is going down in my Recovery Checklist in my journal. It's right up there with "you don't have a problem so much as a solution you don't like".

schnappi99

Being free to change feels great... when you suddenly see those old ideas and thoughts that seemed so usual and comfortable (or uncomfortable) and right (or wrong) are actually whats holding you back, and you gradually start setting them all down one by one.

One of the the AA Big Book promises is "you'll be amazed before you're half-way through", also true in Alanon IMHO

dandylion

Dina....in response to your wuestion about the "Wailing Wall" exercise....it is one of my faves...and works for me... As a matter of fact, that is my pet name for the exercise. Actually the exercise, and variations of it, is often used in therapy groups....
the goal is to get the negative energy outside of the body, when it feels like the emotions are so intense that you can't get any relief....
Find a private place, where there is no one else around....it can be anywhere...
I like the edge of the woods or on top of a hill or at the seashore....or in a deserted parking lot....
Picture the person seated in front of you....and, begin to tell them everything that comes to your mind...especially, every awful, terrible thing...and call them any terrible name you can think of....don't censor anything...anything. You can curse God, if you want to. The louder you can do it,,,the better. Scream it until you are hoarse and your makeup and snot is running down. Until you get tired of doing fit.....
do it as often as you want to. Just make sure that you are pr ivate, or someone might think you are krazy...lol.....

Try it.....

Kboys

Hi Dina,
I know I'm jumping in a little late here... but just wanted to send my support and hugs. It's awful what you are going through, and when I read your posts I was taken back to the numbing pain I felt when I was going through the worst of my now separated AH's drinking and cheating days. Ugh.... It's heartbreaking.

I agree with everyone above... avoid temptation to contact or get revenge on his "gf". It will only make you feel worse about yourself. But I absolutely get the temptation!

Despite being advised by many not to....when I had the opportunity, I confronted one of the women my AH cheated with. I thought it might help me get some closure. It didn't. It only left me with more that I wanted to say to her, and things I wish I would have said differently. I wondered how I seemed to her....I obsessed over it for a long time and it did me no good.
I still see her around town, and now I mostly just feel compassion for her. She was hurt by my AH too. He was a d**k to her too.


Dandy's wailing wall suggestion is a good one...


Big hugs to you!

We are here for you

HURTINGDINA

Thank you for all your sage advice. I do have conflicting feelings about the gf/AKA Home wrecking ho.

I found this great quote I put it on my home screen. I am reading it in the morning and before I go to bed.


"You may not control all the events that happen to you
but you can decide
not to be reduced by them"

Maya Angelou