LexieCat

Weeelll, that isn't quite true. The laws on this sort of thing run the gamut from one state to another--in some states it's relatively simple if the person isn't on the lease. It pays to find out, though, and you most likely at the very least have to make some kind of effort to allow him to retrieve his belongings.

Also, most police departments are willing to "stand by" at the scene for property removals--they'd much rather keep the peace than have to handle a call because someone got violent. You can call your local police department and find out what you need to do for that.

katnip

[QUOTE=velma929;6338797]He took a job 40 miles away? Did he rent a place? He's out of your home right now?

Yes, he took a job that is 40 miles north of my residence. So, at the moment, he is not under my roof. As usual, he leaps before he looks, meaning he does not think things through. He had no money to even get himself there the first day, so he conned his Mother into wiring him 100 bucks because I quit being his bank a month ago. No money equals no where to stay there. He says he has been sleeping in his pickup at the truck stops in that area. How do I know that?, because he called yesterday asking to "borrow" some money until payday. I said, "Um, if you and your new lady want to be together, you can start asking HER to bankroll your crisis!" Click.

katnip

I wish it were that simple Maia. I have spoken the Magistrate's office about the situation. According to the law, because he has resided in my residence more than 6 months and receives mail here, it is considered his residence of record. I would have to file an eviction notice (30 day minimum) to end his residency here, if he will not voluntarily vacate on his own. Until the eviction is granted, I cannot deny him access to his belongings. I asked about setting them out on my porch at a specific date/time for him to collect, welllll, they advised against that to avoid him having any legal recourse against me should something get stolen until he could arrive to pick them up! You can only imagine how frustrated I am!! "I" own this home, yet because I allowed him to live here, he gets rights because he left stuff here!!! Taking a job in another town, which has led to him not being here for a week, apparently does not constitute "voluntary vacating" the residence. It's so messed up it makes me see red!! Word of advice -- think long and hard before allowing someone to move into your home. It can create a tangled mess to get out of later! *sigh*

katnip

I just wanted to say "thank you" from the heart to every single person who has posted. Your words of encouragement, advice and support have been invaluable to helping me process this situation. I am grateful to have found such a caring group of people who understand what a horror this path can be. I hope to return the favor to each of as I grow and work through my own recovery from this tragic chapter in my life. Each one of you is a special person and a beacon of hope in the storm! (((Hugs)))

LexieCat

Just an FYI, if you get a protective order, he must leave IMMEDIATELY. And the court can put a specific provision in the order about removal of his belongings. You'd have to ask for that, but I see no reason why it wouldn't be granted if you get an order.

katnip

In the 5 yrs, the police came out twice for domestic violence. The last time being August 2016. Both times he was staggering intoxicated. Both times the cops asked if I wanted to press charges, but like a dumba** I said no, I just want him to leave. And like an even bigger dumba** I paid his cab fare to have the peace and sanctuary. Since no charges were pressed, do you think the records of those two occasions would be enough to get an order? But, to be totally honest... I'm kinda afraid to take that route because I know how retaliatory he can be. If he will just move in somewhere else or come collect his things, I can forego the added stress of him going bullistic over having a protective order issued on him. He'll see that as me trying to ruin him or his chances at employment. That probably sounds like a really pathetic reason not to pursue it, but you would have to understand the consequences could be more detrimental taking that route than just biding my time to conjole him into getting his things. Does that make any sense?

Mklove

Kat, hopefully in a few weeks or months you can look back at your last post and see how your logic was so influenced by a somebody you out far in your past. What other changes will you make to fill the void this person will leave in both positive and less positive ways? Time for one reconnecting with an old friend or something else invigorating?

LexieCat

Any history of violence is relevant. Lots of people aren't ready to do anything the first few times the police come out. And the order has nothing to do with criminal charges--it's not a prerequisite. If you are afraid, have a history that reasonably causes you to be afraid, that is usually enough.

Call an advocate, though--they generally have a pretty good idea of what your courts would require.

And any "retaliation" would be met with new charges for violating the order. It doesn't make you bulletproof, but it does allow the police to take action before simple contact escalates into something worse.

katnip

You're a smart cookie, Lexie! I am grateful to have your insight and guidance. I will see what resources are available to me. This is a tough road to be on, but glad to have the support at SR to find my way and know that I am not alone.

maia1234

Kat,
You are doing your homework. It takes time and we have to be patient. You really don't want to jeopardize him losing this job opportunity. You don't want him back in town and fighting to get back in.

I agree with lexie, Call the dv place and ask some questions, I'm sure they will be able to point you in the right direction. Keep moving forward.

LynCM

HECK YES!!! PROUD OF YOU, GIRL!!

katnip

Update - His things are still here at my house, and like I thought, that seems to be his way of leaving the "door open" for his benefit.

I arrived home from work Tuesday evening to find his truck at my house. After rapidly blowing through a small advance on his first pay (or that's where he said it came from), he had just enough gas to make the commute to my house. My guard was up the minute I walked through the door. He was sober though, so he was charming, calm and attentive. Had I let him, he would have been affectionate too. He knows all the right buttons to push, those are things I had craved from him on a regular basis! But it didnt take long for me to realize the real agenda was to suck me back in and appeal to my benevolent nature to get my help. What can I say, I caved. I bought gas so he could commute for a couple days, gave him a little cash to buy food during the day, and paid for his cell phone. The cash obviously went towards beer because he always had a supply to drink in the evenings. He promised he would repay me on Friday with his first paycheck. As you can guess, he has not been back since Thursday night. I finally reached him yesterday and learned he had moved his large camper to a ground near work so all his funds are going to that. Okay, that works for me. But he can't "afford" to drive back to my place now to get his things, so would I be a doll and bring them to him today? Wheeee, here we go for another round on the manipulation rollercoaster!

In the grand scheme of things, I know taking his things to him is a small price to pay to get off this ride. I just needed to vent the frustration. I have to take ownership that I caved and allowed myself to be used again.

I admit, his drama has played such a huge part of my life, I am struggling with ways to fill that void. Is that total craziness or what?! I am not close with my family, and what friends I do have are tired of hearing the same repetitive story. They all know what needs to happen, heck, even I do. I guess though I am somewhat fearful of what lies ahead. My 22yr marriage to an emotionally abusive non-A ended with me being severely emotionally bankrupt (been divorced now for 8yrs). It literally took me the first three years to rediscover myself and find my own strength. Now this. You would think I would face this situation with shoulders squared and be like, I got this. But, I find I am stuggling some. This whole mess has obviously scratched at those old emotional scars. It's time to heal again. Can I get an Amen?

I have to believe this is not God's best for me.

P.S. I have been reading posts on the forum DAILY to keep bolstering my resolve. You all do such a beautiful work here sharing your experiences and giving such positive input to those hurting and struggling with this horrific experience. May each one of you feel ((hugged)) today for the caring, loving, beautiful person you are!

dandylion

Katnip.....yeap. they know exactly where our hot buttons are and they don't hesitate to push them. they have learned what "works".....

After being through two such relationships, now...you have suffered enough, already.
Maybe, devoting a couple of years to some deep therapy, for yourself would be the best thing you could do for yourself......
You have given so much to others....why not call this a "gift" to yourself....

maia1234

Kat,
He didn't take any of his stuff when he came looking for money, so what is your plan? You need to box up his stuff, take it to him, get your locks changed and block his number on your phone. The atm is no longer working at this number. Cut contact, even though you love this man, he is very sick and you continue to enable him and he uses you.

You are recognizing this now, so don't let him play you anymore. No contact is best for you to move forward. Hit some alanon meetings or a therapist and get some help. You have a big heart and people see that. You need to find a good healthy group of people to show that heart too. Keep moving forward my friend, baby steps will get you across the finish line.