Lame update
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
thousandwords...doesn't this sound like the same ole, same ole....
He knows what to say/do to pull you back to the status quo. That is his goal, for himself. It is not about his recovery as the first priority....neither is it about what you want or need.
Yes, he has the right to pursue what he wants...to plead his own case...But so do YOU!!
I looks, to me, that it boils down to you two being on different pages. That happens.
Are you going to cave to his page or follow your page? It seems that you have caved to his page for a long time...and, how has that worked for you?
I think that marriage counseling is way, way premature....and, anyway, they don't have a magic wand that just makes everything o..k......
And...Yes, Yes....it is o.k. to go for what you want because you want to!!!
My recommendation....you might as well stop looking for the seamless, painless way to make the "break".....because there isn't one. He won't allow that. But...you can do it...and, you do have your exit p lan in your back pocket.....that is what an exit plan is all about....exiting.....
He knows what to say/do to pull you back to the status quo. That is his goal, for himself. It is not about his recovery as the first priority....neither is it about what you want or need.
Yes, he has the right to pursue what he wants...to plead his own case...But so do YOU!!
I looks, to me, that it boils down to you two being on different pages. That happens.
Are you going to cave to his page or follow your page? It seems that you have caved to his page for a long time...and, how has that worked for you?
I think that marriage counseling is way, way premature....and, anyway, they don't have a magic wand that just makes everything o..k......
And...Yes, Yes....it is o.k. to go for what you want because you want to!!!
My recommendation....you might as well stop looking for the seamless, painless way to make the "break".....because there isn't one. He won't allow that. But...you can do it...and, you do have your exit p lan in your back pocket.....that is what an exit plan is all about....exiting.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
I am worrying my heart too much about his emotional needs right now. It is not healthy and I know it. I want to support him, but not as his spouse. Sounds so simple, yet it is breaking my heart to do this, and to have to re-hash what I want over and over again. I wish he would stop worrying about understanding this and just take it for what I am asking. I live in a wishy washy lalaland and I feel self conscious still posting the same stuff here!
Dandy: your reply came in as I was replying:
I think it is premature also but that's the magic wand he wants to wave. If I do go to an appointment - I will be sure to write down exactly why we are in this situation, so I do not falter or shrivel up in the moment. I plan on utilizing this appointment to lay it all out for him and he may hear things he doesn't want to hear, or others to hear but there is so much fog in his brain,
His goals are what drive our life and it sucks. It IS my turn for me. And I need to remind myself it is not selfish - it the best for the kids in the long run. 20 days of not drinking I cannot let my brain forget the years of heartache and stress and losing myself.
Dandy: your reply came in as I was replying:
I think it is premature also but that's the magic wand he wants to wave. If I do go to an appointment - I will be sure to write down exactly why we are in this situation, so I do not falter or shrivel up in the moment. I plan on utilizing this appointment to lay it all out for him and he may hear things he doesn't want to hear, or others to hear but there is so much fog in his brain,
His goals are what drive our life and it sucks. It IS my turn for me. And I need to remind myself it is not selfish - it the best for the kids in the long run. 20 days of not drinking I cannot let my brain forget the years of heartache and stress and losing myself.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
thousandwords......can we talk a bit about being seen as the "bad guy"?
I know that a lot of people fear what the "story" will look like to the rest of the world, as well as family and friends....
that he will always be able to tell around, what a bad person you were to desert him in "his time of need", and take away his "family", when he was so will ing to go to kneel at the shrine of marriage counseling and put the plug in the jug......
Is it possible that you fear that he will be "seen", and, you won't??
Now, I am just spitballing, here...but, am I, at least, a little bit close?
I know that a lot of people fear what the "story" will look like to the rest of the world, as well as family and friends....
that he will always be able to tell around, what a bad person you were to desert him in "his time of need", and take away his "family", when he was so will ing to go to kneel at the shrine of marriage counseling and put the plug in the jug......
Is it possible that you fear that he will be "seen", and, you won't??
Now, I am just spitballing, here...but, am I, at least, a little bit close?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by dandylion 
thousandwords......can we talk a bit about being seen as the "bad guy"?
I know that a lot of people fear what the "story" will look like to the rest of the world, as well as family and friends....
that he will always be able to tell around, what a bad person you were to desert him in "his time of need", and take away his "family", when he was so will ing to go to kneel at the shrine of marriage counseling and put the plug in the jug......
Is it possible that you fear that he will be "seen", and, you won't??
Now, I am just spitballing, here...but, am I, at least, a little bit close?
I know that a lot of people fear what the "story" will look like to the rest of the world, as well as family and friends....
that he will always be able to tell around, what a bad person you were to desert him in "his time of need", and take away his "family", when he was so will ing to go to kneel at the shrine of marriage counseling and put the plug in the jug......
Is it possible that you fear that he will be "seen", and, you won't??
Now, I am just spitballing, here...but, am I, at least, a little bit close?
He really does not realize how bad things were? It makes me second guess my reality in a way? And yes, We have fully enmeshed families and friends going back 20+ years and that will not be fun...I have been the scapegoat for a lot of our problems and this will be another. And it will make things hard for child support and legally - I will literally have to fight for ev.er.y.thing. from this man and I am not sure I have the strength to do that. I really just want to be done and get through this already. 3 weeks now and I have been sleeping on the couch. I ask to end the relationship, don't get that request honored and I am the one going without...I am the one that needs to move..I do all the adjusting and navigating and it sucks.
Not sure that really answered your question haha..but that is where my mind took me.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Thousandword, you knew this was coming before he did. So he may be trying to understand this or he may be trying to manipulate you.
You explained yourself at home or maybe in counseling. He and others will hear, understand and do what they want. Your life is dependent on what you want. Stick to your boundaries.
You explained yourself at home or maybe in counseling. He and others will hear, understand and do what they want. Your life is dependent on what you want. Stick to your boundaries.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by hearthealth
Thousandword, you knew this was coming before he did. So he may be trying to understand this or he may be trying to manipulate you.
You explained yourself at home or maybe in counseling. He and others will hear, understand and do what they want. Your life is dependent on what you want. Stick to your boundaries.
You explained yourself at home or maybe in counseling. He and others will hear, understand and do what they want. Your life is dependent on what you want. Stick to your boundaries.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
thousandwords....here is the truth about "strength"....strength (courage) shows up at just the moment it is needed....it always does. It is not like someone just lays around feeling strong and courageous when they are facing something that is new or scarey.....what happens, most f the time, is that we go forward with shaking knees...and, just when we need it.....the courage comes from inside us!
A quote...".We never know how much courage we h ave until there is no other option".
You can wait until you are a very old lady...for him to see things your way. How many more years you got? How long do you want to live like this? What will you say when your kids ask...."Mamma, why didn't you leave?"......
A quote...".We never know how much courage we h ave until there is no other option".
You can wait until you are a very old lady...for him to see things your way. How many more years you got? How long do you want to live like this? What will you say when your kids ask...."Mamma, why didn't you leave?"......
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Well, thousand words, I hope that you will speak up loud and clear, your own truth! Lay it out for the counselor...they can take it. they can't help anyone unless you are willing to be brutally honest about yourself.....
And, be willing to call him on his BS...right in front of the counselor...
I think he will try to use this in an effort to get the counselor on his side...and, manipulate you, once again......
And, be willing to call him on his BS...right in front of the counselor...
I think he will try to use this in an effort to get the counselor on his side...and, manipulate you, once again......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Update on my update.
Things have been going well. I still have one foot in and one foot out ready to go at a moments notice, however:
AH has continued his outpatient program, is coming away with knowledge and insight...is participating and making healthy choices.. cut out some problem friends/activities -- Has also started attending AA meetings and counseling. He looks healthy and has lost so much weight and inflammation...his eyes are clear.
I have witnessed him really involving himself in family life and helping me like I think a spouse should do.
I know we have just passed the month mark, I have not forgotten where I was a month ago. He has never, and I would have bet money on him never, getting help, doing the leg work himself, and to see ACTION (not just words but the same attitude). I was angry at first as to why NOW he has decided to change, but I am watching it unfold and enjoying it, to be honest. He made a marriage counseling appointment a few weeks ago, and I went- even though I told him this was not the answer ..well I took the opportunity to tell him and the counselor that I did not know why we were there as I was DONE and I wanted the best for him, but as a couple I was out. I have received an actual apology from him for the way he has treated me and acted.
I don't know if this will last, or how I will feel in a week, month, years time. I sure hope it does last. I really am happy that the kids have an active father now. For the first time in years we have actual conversations that we both remember and laugh and enjoy the company of each other.
So I have an optimistic update for once, but realistic too. I appreciate everyone's support here. I am nervous to post this. It seems too good to be true? But that is the reality right now.
Things have been going well. I still have one foot in and one foot out ready to go at a moments notice, however:
AH has continued his outpatient program, is coming away with knowledge and insight...is participating and making healthy choices.. cut out some problem friends/activities -- Has also started attending AA meetings and counseling. He looks healthy and has lost so much weight and inflammation...his eyes are clear.
I have witnessed him really involving himself in family life and helping me like I think a spouse should do.
I know we have just passed the month mark, I have not forgotten where I was a month ago. He has never, and I would have bet money on him never, getting help, doing the leg work himself, and to see ACTION (not just words but the same attitude). I was angry at first as to why NOW he has decided to change, but I am watching it unfold and enjoying it, to be honest. He made a marriage counseling appointment a few weeks ago, and I went- even though I told him this was not the answer ..well I took the opportunity to tell him and the counselor that I did not know why we were there as I was DONE and I wanted the best for him, but as a couple I was out. I have received an actual apology from him for the way he has treated me and acted.
I don't know if this will last, or how I will feel in a week, month, years time. I sure hope it does last. I really am happy that the kids have an active father now. For the first time in years we have actual conversations that we both remember and laugh and enjoy the company of each other.
So I have an optimistic update for once, but realistic too. I appreciate everyone's support here. I am nervous to post this. It seems too good to be true? But that is the reality right now.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm glad you're getting a breather, but I wish I could say I were more confident that he's not just playing the same game he has before. Just don't get your hopes up too high.
I'd love to be wrong.
I'd love to be wrong.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
th ousandwords.....As I was growing up, I remember my grandma telling me, over and over....when I wondered about what was going to happen in a specific situation....she would wipe her hands on her apron and say...."time will tell"....
Around here, we say...."More will be revealed".....
Around here, we say...."More will be revealed".....
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