A year of no contact changed everything.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
A year of no contact changed everything.
Yesterday came and went, and I didn't think about xabf. Not once. Most days are that way - it's nice, because in the not so distant past, I was consumed with him and his problems, and what it meant for my future. Yesterday was a year of no contact.
A year of no contact gave me time and space to focus on myself and my issues.
It allowed me to be solely working on the changes I needed to make. And there were / are a lot of them!
I quit smoking, lost weight, did the whole30 and changed my eating patterns.
I focused authentically on my family while we were losing my dad, and in the aftermath of that.
I faced putting my cat to sleep, my brothers horrific drunk driving wreck that shook our family to the core, losing dad, and leaving the x within 4 months of each other. I am proud of my courage, boundaries and staying NC through it all.
I did a much needed Oregon coast vacation with my family.
I dated some, realized I wasn't ready and stopped. I also told them the second I realized we weren't right.
I nursed my wounds some more by spending time with healthier friends, exercise, joining some local groups and by camping, riding and fishing my face off last summer.
I worked hard on relationships with my family and healthy friends - things I have neglected a lot of my life.
There has not been one raised voice in my home since I moved out Sept 2015. NOT ONE.
I have not dreaded coming home from work - NOT ONCE.
I self-help read my brains out, and spent a lot of time here. I did some pleasure reading too
I accept people for who they are, with minor slips here and there....but the ability to catch myself on others sides of the street.
And 2 weeks ago, I ordered a motorcycle that I have wanted since I was a kid. It will be here in 2 weeks - I made a dream come true for me this year there.
Life isn't all peachy and roses. I am still grieving my losses in 2016 - most days are great, but here and there the slightest thing can send me to tears. I feel a little stuck in my job, but am not scared of losing it or changing it anymore. I am a little lonely in the romance department, but am ok with feeling that way until the absolute right person comes along - even if that means they never do - and even if I have to tell a hundred men "that we just aren't it." I worry about my family, but I do not stew or future trip.
BUT, I can step back and see how my grieving process is going and allow it to happen how I need it to. I don't dwell much anymore. I forgive relatively easily - I also walk away relatively easily. I am no longer angry, and I can say NO - mostly with ease. My migraines are mostly gone. I do not, and will never again live with constant stress and tension. I make better choices, and take decisive action - things I have always struggled with. I can see the changes in myself very, very clearly. Not all of my friends and family have dealt with my changes well - there are a couple that I used to be very close to, that are now at arms length while they walk their own tough paths. I just can't do it with them, and that is ok.
It's been a hell of a year!! I can pinpoint several amazing pivotal moments in my life so far. Landing here in SR being one of them - I really don't know where I'd be if I hadn't stumbled in here - a complete wreck. It lead me to acceptance of people for who and how they are today - MYSELF being the biggest one. Thanks to you all!
I hope this helps someone that was like me - going back and forth "touching the burner to see if it's still hot." It was good for me to pat myself on the back a little too - a year ago I was changing for the better, but felt like a kicked puppy at times. One year of no contact made all the difference.
A year of no contact gave me time and space to focus on myself and my issues.
It allowed me to be solely working on the changes I needed to make. And there were / are a lot of them!
I quit smoking, lost weight, did the whole30 and changed my eating patterns.
I focused authentically on my family while we were losing my dad, and in the aftermath of that.
I faced putting my cat to sleep, my brothers horrific drunk driving wreck that shook our family to the core, losing dad, and leaving the x within 4 months of each other. I am proud of my courage, boundaries and staying NC through it all.
I did a much needed Oregon coast vacation with my family.
I dated some, realized I wasn't ready and stopped. I also told them the second I realized we weren't right.
I nursed my wounds some more by spending time with healthier friends, exercise, joining some local groups and by camping, riding and fishing my face off last summer.
I worked hard on relationships with my family and healthy friends - things I have neglected a lot of my life.
There has not been one raised voice in my home since I moved out Sept 2015. NOT ONE.
I have not dreaded coming home from work - NOT ONCE.
I self-help read my brains out, and spent a lot of time here. I did some pleasure reading too
I accept people for who they are, with minor slips here and there....but the ability to catch myself on others sides of the street.
And 2 weeks ago, I ordered a motorcycle that I have wanted since I was a kid. It will be here in 2 weeks - I made a dream come true for me this year there.
Life isn't all peachy and roses. I am still grieving my losses in 2016 - most days are great, but here and there the slightest thing can send me to tears. I feel a little stuck in my job, but am not scared of losing it or changing it anymore. I am a little lonely in the romance department, but am ok with feeling that way until the absolute right person comes along - even if that means they never do - and even if I have to tell a hundred men "that we just aren't it." I worry about my family, but I do not stew or future trip.
BUT, I can step back and see how my grieving process is going and allow it to happen how I need it to. I don't dwell much anymore. I forgive relatively easily - I also walk away relatively easily. I am no longer angry, and I can say NO - mostly with ease. My migraines are mostly gone. I do not, and will never again live with constant stress and tension. I make better choices, and take decisive action - things I have always struggled with. I can see the changes in myself very, very clearly. Not all of my friends and family have dealt with my changes well - there are a couple that I used to be very close to, that are now at arms length while they walk their own tough paths. I just can't do it with them, and that is ok.
It's been a hell of a year!! I can pinpoint several amazing pivotal moments in my life so far. Landing here in SR being one of them - I really don't know where I'd be if I hadn't stumbled in here - a complete wreck. It lead me to acceptance of people for who and how they are today - MYSELF being the biggest one. Thanks to you all!
I hope this helps someone that was like me - going back and forth "touching the burner to see if it's still hot." It was good for me to pat myself on the back a little too - a year ago I was changing for the better, but felt like a kicked puppy at times. One year of no contact made all the difference.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Firebolt what a great post! So thankful that you were able to share that with us so articulately. I wish for all of us nothing but good things, but even in the face of some terrible ones, it sounds like it was a wonderful year for you. Thanks for all you have offered me and others here, you have made such a difference. Congrats.
. 
You sound pretty awesome to me!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Congrats! Love this post. I am so jealous of you folks who can go full true no contact!
XAH and I have a child together.....
I do love the idea of series of posts My separation "anniversary" is coming up (Valentines Day no less) and it will always be a special holiday in my heart.
XAH and I have a child together.....
I do love the idea of series of posts
My separation "anniversary" is coming up (Valentines Day no less) and it will always be a special holiday in my heart.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Thanks again guys. Honestly, I shudder to think of myself continuing on with my same old patterns, the way I had always done. I'm happy to do a status check on my anniversary again next year. It's so good for me to look at what ive accomplished in a year when my norm used to just be criticism of myself. It also helps me remember all the stories, hard questions I had to answer, and the reflection you all helped me gain. ♡
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