Wisconsin

Yesterday was my XH's 50th birthday. He is not an A, but our divorce nearly 10 years ago was very bitter and he was very, very angry with me for a long time. I hurt him terribly, and some of the decisions I made at the end of our marriage are some of the very few things in my life I wish I could go back and undo.

He is not perfect. He has many flaws and issues. He is a great dad who has made his fair share of mistakes, some of them big, just like every parent.

We have come so far. So very, very far. He has put in a lot of what must have been grueling, difficult emotional work to move past his hurt. For the past few years, we have gotten along well, and last night (his birthday) our DD13 had a chorus concert. I drove down, and we all sat together (me, DD17, XH, and XH's parents) and shared nice conversation and some laughs. I helped my girls go through a ton of old photos, and they made him a really lovely photo book on Shutterfly for his birthday.

Granted, he's not an A. But if you had told me 8-9 years ago that we would be in this place now, I never would have believed you. Even five years ago, when my mother died, our relationship was very fraught--he did not believe me when I told him I needed to reschedule a court date we had, and get the girls to my mother's town ASAP because she was dying. Honestly, it was hard for me to accept that he truly hated my guts back then, but I think that accepting that, and accepting his right to be angry with me, helped me to step back and give him the time and space he needed. He, in turn, used that time and space to work on himself.

I don't expect any kind of "meeting of the minds" like this with STBXAH, because in his active alcoholic state he is not capable of it. But I do think that this story can give hope to those who have difficult relationships with non-As. Anything is possible!

LexieCat

That's a nice story, Wisconsin!

Actually, I attribute a lot of my great relationship with my kiddos' dad to the fact that I refused to respond to his anger and accusations when I told him I wanted a divorce. I kept reminding myself he was very hurt and needed time to work this through--in his shoes, I would have felt the same way. I did tell him, when he asked me to stay a few more months till he could change his works schedule, that I would be willing to do that ONLY if he didn't make it impossible for me to exist there. And, for the most part, he kept it away from me (a couple of angry outbursts here and there but nothing intolerable).

It's so nice that you can look forward to future family events without that dread in the pit of your stomach!

Wisconsin

Thanks! The worst was the six months after we filed for divorce. In our state at the time, I could not move out of the marital residence (absent physical abuse, of course) prior to having a parenting agreement in place without creating a legal presumption that he was the custodial parent. So, we all had to live together for 6 months while he continued to insist he was going to get sole custody of our daughters. I don't know for sure, but my guess is that, right before our mediation session, his father (who ALSO hated my guts at the time AND was paying XH's legal bills, but is an eminently reasonable person) sat him down and told him that there was no way he would ever actually GET sole custody, and that it would be in everyone's best interest if he would just reach a parenting agreement with me. So we walked into a mediation that I was convinced would be a total waste of time and money, and much to my shock walked out with a parenting agreement. I was able to move out 3 weeks later.

(Side note: even though there was no addiction involved in that marriage, my XH *did* have plenty of adjustment and emotional issues. He also has a very large family who adores him, and I know that during those first 6 months of divorce proceedings he got a lot of blind, unthinking support from those people who were totally unaware of how serious his emotional issues were. I felt very, very alone, and like almost every person who knew us both were ganging up on me. When we went to mediation, XH did his one-on-one with the mediator first. I waited in the lobby until it was my turn, and when I walked into the room, the mediator--one of the most highly respected mediators in our area--looked at me, eyes wide, and said "wow." It was my first real validation by an outside, neutral third party during the process that told me I was RIGHT to be concerned about things, and that my unhappiness was not crazy.)

dandylion

Wisconsin.....in my first marriage, it looked, to the outside world, that all was great. Attractive young (mid 20's) couple with a decent income, three georgous children, a dog and cat, and (I am not kidding you)....a fence (not white, picket--but, still, a fence). We owned our own house..bought it all on our own.
On top of it...he didn't ever shout at me or call me a name. Never, ever, physical. No addiction issues.
After 6yrs., I was the one who asked for and pursued the divorce--that he did not want.
to the outside world---it must have been very clear that I wore the black hat!
He was sooo bitter toward me. I suspect, that he still is. Haven't spoken to him in many years. (he remarried 2yrs. after the divorce) (I remarried many years, later).....

I can tell you that living in that marriage was like being in a prison cell..that got smaller and smaller, every year. The constant criticism and rigid attitudes and general narcissistic ways was absolutely soul-crushing to me. I had to leave to save myself.

so, Wisconsin, I get where you were coming from. Nobody knows what it is like inside of a marriage, by looking from the outside.
It is also, true that the one who feel rejected (for whatever reason) will feel hurt, angry and bitter.....

It is so fortunate that your ex was able to work through the anger and get to a better place.....
some people are able to do that.....but, not everyone is.....