Newbie seeking advice, support and suggestions
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: SaiGon, Vietnam
Posts: 62
Newbie seeking advice, support and suggestions
Hi All
I am currently separated from my alcoholic husband of ten years. ...and I am struggling to see a way forward.
Nothing in my life is or has been straightforward and this is no different. I am from the UK, my husband is Turkish and we are both living in Vietnam.
I have 2 children aged 16 & 20 who I adopted as a single parent in the UK before I met my AH. The 20yr old was a very difficult teenager with lots of lying, manipulation and running away and my AH is not much different - just older.
My DD does not speak to me and neither does my AH at the moment.
Me and my other DD are enjoying a period of calm. We get on well together and she is an easy teen so far (at least in comparison to her big Sis.)
We own a house in Turkey which my AH has some debts against and I have just managed to stop a forced sale to reclaim those debts by agreeing to pay them off myself (really makes me angry as they are not my debts and the house is mine...but in his name because of a Turkish Law in that area)
I have engaged a lawyer who can organise the divorce and block him selling the property - for a fee
but I cannot get the A to respond to any msjs trying to arrange things amicably so we can both get on with our lives. He has no reason to...he has walked away from one life (after emptying my bank account) and set himself up in a new one where he tells everyone how hard he tried in this relationship and how everything is my fault.
He is only here in Vietnam on my visa though and is working illegally. I really want to make him face the consequences of his acions instead of it always being me and the girls who suffer.
I could cancel his visa....it will run out in June anway and he will find it difficult to get another. I could also prevent him ever getting another visa for Vietnam by reporting him for working illegally or for stealing my bank cards or for sending threatening messages
BUT
he is vindictive and would try and get revenge in some way...plus I want to do the 'right thing' I am just not clear what that is anymore.
He could make this easy for me. Agree to a non-contested divorce...sign over the house to me as he as always agreed to - but he wont even answer me. He left me so I do not understand any reluctance to end things properly.
He was in AA and was trying to get sober but was never very successful and turned into a secret drinker who binged...this seems to trigger bipolar type behaviour. He gets these grandiose ideas that are often quite crazy and he has run away before chasing some mad idea and paranoid that I am out to get him...usually he crashes back down to earth and comes crying back begging forgiveness and agreeing to whatever treatment is available...this time though he has been gone 3 months....and this time I have had enough. I told him last time it was his last chance .
For my daughter, if not for me it has to be that way and somehow I have to realise that I deserve better, Ironically my daughter has rarely seen him drunk but has had to deal with his irrational often angry character and the occasional disappearance.
Between him and my other daughter I feel we have been under seige for some time.
I did not mean to write so much! I have been lurking on here for some time now...although there is AA here there is no AlAnon so I have nowhere to vent and get clarity from other's voices.
Thanks for 'listening'
I am currently separated from my alcoholic husband of ten years. ...and I am struggling to see a way forward.
Nothing in my life is or has been straightforward and this is no different. I am from the UK, my husband is Turkish and we are both living in Vietnam.
I have 2 children aged 16 & 20 who I adopted as a single parent in the UK before I met my AH. The 20yr old was a very difficult teenager with lots of lying, manipulation and running away and my AH is not much different - just older.
My DD does not speak to me and neither does my AH at the moment.
Me and my other DD are enjoying a period of calm. We get on well together and she is an easy teen so far (at least in comparison to her big Sis.)
We own a house in Turkey which my AH has some debts against and I have just managed to stop a forced sale to reclaim those debts by agreeing to pay them off myself (really makes me angry as they are not my debts and the house is mine...but in his name because of a Turkish Law in that area)
I have engaged a lawyer who can organise the divorce and block him selling the property - for a fee
but I cannot get the A to respond to any msjs trying to arrange things amicably so we can both get on with our lives. He has no reason to...he has walked away from one life (after emptying my bank account) and set himself up in a new one where he tells everyone how hard he tried in this relationship and how everything is my fault.
He is only here in Vietnam on my visa though and is working illegally. I really want to make him face the consequences of his acions instead of it always being me and the girls who suffer.
I could cancel his visa....it will run out in June anway and he will find it difficult to get another. I could also prevent him ever getting another visa for Vietnam by reporting him for working illegally or for stealing my bank cards or for sending threatening messages
BUT
he is vindictive and would try and get revenge in some way...plus I want to do the 'right thing' I am just not clear what that is anymore.
He could make this easy for me. Agree to a non-contested divorce...sign over the house to me as he as always agreed to - but he wont even answer me. He left me so I do not understand any reluctance to end things properly.
He was in AA and was trying to get sober but was never very successful and turned into a secret drinker who binged...this seems to trigger bipolar type behaviour. He gets these grandiose ideas that are often quite crazy and he has run away before chasing some mad idea and paranoid that I am out to get him...usually he crashes back down to earth and comes crying back begging forgiveness and agreeing to whatever treatment is available...this time though he has been gone 3 months....and this time I have had enough. I told him last time it was his last chance .
For my daughter, if not for me it has to be that way and somehow I have to realise that I deserve better, Ironically my daughter has rarely seen him drunk but has had to deal with his irrational often angry character and the occasional disappearance.
Between him and my other daughter I feel we have been under seige for some time.
I did not mean to write so much! I have been lurking on here for some time now...although there is AA here there is no AlAnon so I have nowhere to vent and get clarity from other's voices.
Thanks for 'listening'
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Southeast USA
Posts: 18
Merhaba, welcome and glad too see you now posting (long time lurker here, too). Although I am unable to offer advice for your situation, I'm sure others here will have some suggestions and/or thoughts for you.
I feel for you; we all relate. Hang in there!
I feel for you; we all relate. Hang in there!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: SaiGon, Vietnam
Posts: 62
Thanks BettyRubble....think my post is too confusing to respond to.
Guess I was asking if its ok to take revenge o should I keep sitting on my hands and wait for karma.....
plus his refusal to respond to any msjs is really unnerving me
Guess I was asking if its ok to take revenge o should I keep sitting on my hands and wait for karma.....
plus his refusal to respond to any msjs is really unnerving me
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,984
Welcome Merhaba! I am super glad you found us.
Your story is amazingly complex with so much international travel. It does seem that you need a lawyer who works in international family law. Do they even exist??
Please keep posting and let us know how you get on.
Your story is amazingly complex with so much international travel. It does seem that you need a lawyer who works in international family law. Do they even exist??
Please keep posting and let us know how you get on.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, Merhaba,
I'd suggest just moving forward with the divorce if that's what you want, and take your lawyer's advice about protecting your financial interests. It sounds like reporting his illegal activities or canceling his visa will only escalate things. Let it expire in June.
Assume he will not cooperate in anything, and proceed accordingly. Decide how much you want to spend in legal fees, and think about what it's worth to you to get everything you're technically entitled to. Sometimes it's best to let some things go for the sake of getting the freedom you want. I'm not urging you to roll over, just to let go of the idea you need to "win" here.
I'd suggest just moving forward with the divorce if that's what you want, and take your lawyer's advice about protecting your financial interests. It sounds like reporting his illegal activities or canceling his visa will only escalate things. Let it expire in June.
Assume he will not cooperate in anything, and proceed accordingly. Decide how much you want to spend in legal fees, and think about what it's worth to you to get everything you're technically entitled to. Sometimes it's best to let some things go for the sake of getting the freedom you want. I'm not urging you to roll over, just to let go of the idea you need to "win" here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Mer,
Sounds like your plate has been full for quite a while. Since you don't have alanon, I will give you an idea of their principles. They teach us how to take care of our selves. Teaches us how to set up boundaries to protect ourselves. It tells us not to make any rash decision for at least 6 months after joining as our lives are so out of control that we need to take some deep breaths and breath. I don't really feel sitting on your hands and waiting for karma is what you are doing. Education is your best tool, addiction is progressive. Keep reading all over sr, build up your strength. Realize he is no different then any of our alcoholic husbands. Knowledge is power about addiction.
I would also contact an attorney and find out your rights. If divorce is what you have decided then you need to follow the protocol on how to divorce and In which country you file. With my divorce, I chose not to fight for everything. I walked away with respect and dignity after 34 years together. I am doing great 2 years out, him, not so much.
Do your homework. Stop obsessing about him and start living for you and your daughter. God has a plan for all of us. Once we stop fighting his plan, and controlling the situation life falls into place the way it's suppose.
Keep posting and asking questions, life will get so much better for you, my friend!!
Sounds like your plate has been full for quite a while. Since you don't have alanon, I will give you an idea of their principles. They teach us how to take care of our selves. Teaches us how to set up boundaries to protect ourselves. It tells us not to make any rash decision for at least 6 months after joining as our lives are so out of control that we need to take some deep breaths and breath. I don't really feel sitting on your hands and waiting for karma is what you are doing. Education is your best tool, addiction is progressive. Keep reading all over sr, build up your strength. Realize he is no different then any of our alcoholic husbands. Knowledge is power about addiction.
I would also contact an attorney and find out your rights. If divorce is what you have decided then you need to follow the protocol on how to divorce and In which country you file. With my divorce, I chose not to fight for everything. I walked away with respect and dignity after 34 years together. I am doing great 2 years out, him, not so much.
Do your homework. Stop obsessing about him and start living for you and your daughter. God has a plan for all of us. Once we stop fighting his plan, and controlling the situation life falls into place the way it's suppose.
Keep posting and asking questions, life will get so much better for you, my friend!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Guess I was asking if its ok to take revenge o should I keep sitting on my hands and wait for karma.....
Sounds like you've been through enough already.
Quit 4/17/15
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Pa
Posts: 15,154
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Hi, Merhaba,
Sometimes it's best to let some things go for the sake of getting the freedom you want. I'm not urging you to roll over, just to let go of the idea you need to "win" here.
Sometimes it's best to let some things go for the sake of getting the freedom you want. I'm not urging you to roll over, just to let go of the idea you need to "win" here.
Good luck and keep posting here on SR!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: SaiGon, Vietnam
Posts: 62
I know you are all correct in what you say - of course friends of mine want me to fight back and not let him get away with it....I'm sure he is paying on one level or another...so tempting though.
Hurt people, hurt people.
And I am hurt. I feel strong most of the time and indignation seems to keep me motivated and the sense of freedom. I am no longer doubting every word and action, waiting for the next lie/debt/incident to reveal itself. My whole character seems to be changing in how I react to other issues and the people around me.
I am scared all my strength will crumble if we meet. I am devastated that he has pushed our relationship across a final boundary. I do not feel able to move the goalposts one more time and I am angry that he has put us in this position.
I am under so much stress to sort the house divorce when it could be settled so easily - maybe I need to take a step back. I had to act and buy myself time because the debtor was forcing the sale of my house but I have managed to stop that for now. My solicitor/lawyer is looking at the options available. I just have to hope he does not sell the house before I act.
Took a sneaky look at his fb profile and he seems to be crashing. His work is drying up. Has a sad image as his profile and a photo of a man dragging a huge ball and chain...lots of comments asking if he is ok. His answer: Perfect
My older daughter is estranged. My younger daughter is being bullied but also got my sharp tongue.
Not sure if I need to get her into another school - which means another school for me
Every time I think all is well.....life seems to turn the corner into another mess
Thanks for being there
Hurt people, hurt people.
And I am hurt. I feel strong most of the time and indignation seems to keep me motivated and the sense of freedom. I am no longer doubting every word and action, waiting for the next lie/debt/incident to reveal itself. My whole character seems to be changing in how I react to other issues and the people around me.
I am scared all my strength will crumble if we meet. I am devastated that he has pushed our relationship across a final boundary. I do not feel able to move the goalposts one more time and I am angry that he has put us in this position.
I am under so much stress to sort the house divorce when it could be settled so easily - maybe I need to take a step back. I had to act and buy myself time because the debtor was forcing the sale of my house but I have managed to stop that for now. My solicitor/lawyer is looking at the options available. I just have to hope he does not sell the house before I act.
Took a sneaky look at his fb profile and he seems to be crashing. His work is drying up. Has a sad image as his profile and a photo of a man dragging a huge ball and chain...lots of comments asking if he is ok. His answer: Perfect
My older daughter is estranged. My younger daughter is being bullied but also got my sharp tongue.
Not sure if I need to get her into another school - which means another school for me
Every time I think all is well.....life seems to turn the corner into another mess
Thanks for being there
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm sorry you have so much on your plate. Can you focus for right now on getting your younger daughter's situation straightened out, and yourself on an even keel? I'd suggest staying OFF fb--or at least blocking his profile. There is a lot of unhappiness that comes from keeping an eye on what the ex (claims) he is up to. You can't judge the truth of anything based on what you see there, and it only keeps you enmeshed in the situation.
Yes, stepping back is a very good idea. Assuming the very worst happens with the house, you and your daughter will survive. It will be OK. Keep breathing.
Yes, stepping back is a very good idea. Assuming the very worst happens with the house, you and your daughter will survive. It will be OK. Keep breathing.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wow. I feel overwhelmed just reading it, so I cannot imagine your anger, hurt, and frustration. I agree with what Lexie just said. Step back, let your attorney do what you are paying for, and help your daughter. Being bullied can be an awful thing, helping your daughter should be of the upmost importance.
Hugs to y ou.
Hugs to y ou.
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