My pain
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
My pain
So the details of how I got to yesterday morning are a blur - there has been quite a bit going on. He drank last week and it lead to yesterday...
He was determined to go and meet his new AA friend at a new meeting at 7:30 in the morning; however the night before he had just admitted to me that he had started drinking again. Not a shocker, I expected this honestly. He was moving too fast and I could see his depression setting in after a few weeks, then the nightmares moved in. The last two weeks have been unnerving.
Anyway - we talked a bit in the kitchen yesterday morning and I made the comment "I'm just tired of all of this" and he said "me too", then he walked off to the bathroom. As I sat to have my coffee he moved to our bedroom. Because our house is very tiny we can see and hear everything. And I did hear something - but I remembered in Alanon, sit quiet and be quiet, however, something just wouldn't let me let it go, so I got up and went into our bedroom to find him with a loaded gun in his hand moving toward his head.
I immediately froze - I did not panic. My tone was calm as if I was having just a normal conversation and I asked "What are you doing?" He said to me "I told you I am tired, I am done with it all, you are all better off without me". At that moment I could say nothing else but "Give me the gun" and I reached out and grabbed it. I know absolutely NOTHING about a gun but I took it because all I could think about were my girls, who were still sleeping, thankfully! I do know it is a 9mm and it takes a clip of bullets so he could have easily taken us all out, no problem.
At that moment when I saw him standing there with the gun I saw a child of my Higher Power looking back at me, I saw my husband, not his disease, just him. He is broken, he is depressed, crying, "I'm tired, I can't fight anymore, I need help".
So he called his new AA friend and they spoke for a moment and then the friend spoke to me and recommended immediate medical attention. We both agreed. He packed his bag this time.
He is now being medically detoxed in an inpatient facility at the local hospital. He has access to doctors and therapist. His last detox at the facility we found in December was on his own - no medication no doctors.
Me, I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I have cried from the reality of it all but I believe in my heart that my Higher Power pulled me up from my chair to see what was going on and my Higher Power spoke thru me as I stood before my husband with a loaded gun. I reached out to my new Alanon friend. His new AA friend reached out to me. The emotional support from these strangers has been amazing.
I had my neighbor remove the weapon from our home. When he went to disarm the gun the clip was missing - at first I thought I had been fooled, but then he found 1 bullet in the chamber, ready to go....
My girls, they do not know the details of the morning, we woke them after he was packed and ready to go. He explained to them he was very ill and needed help and it could be a while before they seem him again.
So I am back here again: Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives have become unmanageable.
Peace to all of you,
Tight hugs,
KTT
He was determined to go and meet his new AA friend at a new meeting at 7:30 in the morning; however the night before he had just admitted to me that he had started drinking again. Not a shocker, I expected this honestly. He was moving too fast and I could see his depression setting in after a few weeks, then the nightmares moved in. The last two weeks have been unnerving.
Anyway - we talked a bit in the kitchen yesterday morning and I made the comment "I'm just tired of all of this" and he said "me too", then he walked off to the bathroom. As I sat to have my coffee he moved to our bedroom. Because our house is very tiny we can see and hear everything. And I did hear something - but I remembered in Alanon, sit quiet and be quiet, however, something just wouldn't let me let it go, so I got up and went into our bedroom to find him with a loaded gun in his hand moving toward his head.
I immediately froze - I did not panic. My tone was calm as if I was having just a normal conversation and I asked "What are you doing?" He said to me "I told you I am tired, I am done with it all, you are all better off without me". At that moment I could say nothing else but "Give me the gun" and I reached out and grabbed it. I know absolutely NOTHING about a gun but I took it because all I could think about were my girls, who were still sleeping, thankfully! I do know it is a 9mm and it takes a clip of bullets so he could have easily taken us all out, no problem.
At that moment when I saw him standing there with the gun I saw a child of my Higher Power looking back at me, I saw my husband, not his disease, just him. He is broken, he is depressed, crying, "I'm tired, I can't fight anymore, I need help".
So he called his new AA friend and they spoke for a moment and then the friend spoke to me and recommended immediate medical attention. We both agreed. He packed his bag this time.
He is now being medically detoxed in an inpatient facility at the local hospital. He has access to doctors and therapist. His last detox at the facility we found in December was on his own - no medication no doctors.
Me, I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I have cried from the reality of it all but I believe in my heart that my Higher Power pulled me up from my chair to see what was going on and my Higher Power spoke thru me as I stood before my husband with a loaded gun. I reached out to my new Alanon friend. His new AA friend reached out to me. The emotional support from these strangers has been amazing.
I had my neighbor remove the weapon from our home. When he went to disarm the gun the clip was missing - at first I thought I had been fooled, but then he found 1 bullet in the chamber, ready to go....
My girls, they do not know the details of the morning, we woke them after he was packed and ready to go. He explained to them he was very ill and needed help and it could be a while before they seem him again.
So I am back here again: Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives have become unmanageable.
Peace to all of you,
Tight hugs,
KTT
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Wow--how harrowing for you! I'd suggest taking this opportunity to get that firearm, and any others he might own, OUT of the house. Give them to a trusted friend for safekeeping. Frankly, I wouldn't want one ever in the house again.
I wonder if he knew the bullet was in the chamber. If there were no clip in the gun, he might have thought he was simply making a dramatic gesture, and inadvertently shot himself--or you, as you were trying to take it away.
Glad everyone is safe.
Hugs!
I wonder if he knew the bullet was in the chamber. If there were no clip in the gun, he might have thought he was simply making a dramatic gesture, and inadvertently shot himself--or you, as you were trying to take it away.
Glad everyone is safe.
Hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
We don't keep them loaded so what I heard was the bullet going into the chamber.
I had my neighbor take it out and put it back in and that is the sound I recognized. I really believe he knew what he was doing.
Now, would he had carried it out had I not walked in, I have no idea. But I can tell you that I am glad he didn't.
All firearms are removed - my neighbor has all of them locked up.
I had my neighbor take it out and put it back in and that is the sound I recognized. I really believe he knew what he was doing.
Now, would he had carried it out had I not walked in, I have no idea. But I can tell you that I am glad he didn't.
All firearms are removed - my neighbor has all of them locked up.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
As a new to AA person.. I was at the point of ending my life, or not caring if it ended. I was done with dealing with drunk living,'forcing' my family to watch me drink my life away,no longer wanting to burden anyone with my issue. I sat with a bottle of vodka and my gun, up all night drinking. I thank god I passed out and went to my first meeting the following day. All of my guns have been turned over to a great friend of mine and I told him "If I get drunk in front of you in the next two years, they're yours". Of course I can just go buy another but, that was my time to "do or die" moment. I'm glad you got out of your chair and stopped him. Good luck to you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
things need to be different now.....his coming straight home from these stints at rehab isn't working. he placed you all in danger. a very long timeout is in order..........you deserve it as do the chlidren.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
knowthetriggers.....what an emotional rollercoaster you have been through!
Frankly, my heart was in my stomach as I read your post....
I, too, am glad that you came here to talk about it....
Sometimes, the full impact hits a day or two later...after an emotionally traumatic event......
Like, people who go through a bad car accident...in a sort of "automatic blur"...and, then 48hrs. later...their legs start sh aking.....
That is why it is so good for you to talk and share the emotions, as they come up. It does sound like you have gotten yourself some understanding people around you, now...so, that is of enormous help.....
He is in care, now....so you can have some time for yourself....to process all of this, and to breathe out.....
Let us know how it is going.....
Frankly, my heart was in my stomach as I read your post....
I, too, am glad that you came here to talk about it....
Sometimes, the full impact hits a day or two later...after an emotionally traumatic event......
Like, people who go through a bad car accident...in a sort of "automatic blur"...and, then 48hrs. later...their legs start sh aking.....
That is why it is so good for you to talk and share the emotions, as they come up. It does sound like you have gotten yourself some understanding people around you, now...so, that is of enormous help.....
He is in care, now....so you can have some time for yourself....to process all of this, and to breathe out.....
Let us know how it is going.....
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I agree with Anvil - Its time for a long timeout to reassess how you want to live your life.
In the midst of the insanity, is impossible to see things for what they are. Your posting is very calm as were you when it happened (thank goodness).
I am so happy you are safe , and I don't know if there was real intent or if it was done for show, but this is beyond terrifying. When it comes to guns accidents can and DO happen, you have children in that home.
I hope you get some rest over the next couple of days, and some perspective of the reality.
Best to you and hugs...
In the midst of the insanity, is impossible to see things for what they are. Your posting is very calm as were you when it happened (thank goodness).
I am so happy you are safe , and I don't know if there was real intent or if it was done for show, but this is beyond terrifying. When it comes to guns accidents can and DO happen, you have children in that home.
I hope you get some rest over the next couple of days, and some perspective of the reality.
Best to you and hugs...
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
That was harrowing to read, and I can't imagine what it was like to live through. Your dear husband is in the hands of professionals now who can help him with all of it--if he lets them.
Hopefully, you and your children can have some peace and calm if he would agree to an extended stay at a sober-living facility.
Sending so many hugs and prayers for peace and rest
Hopefully, you and your children can have some peace and calm if he would agree to an extended stay at a sober-living facility.
Sending so many hugs and prayers for peace and rest
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I live in the UK so guns are hard to get hold of and I know for absolute if my exah had got his hands on one with the potential to shot us all I would not have him back in the house near my kids. Not ever. I could never trust him not to get hold of one again. My exah brother ( also alcoholic and drug addict) stored illegal firearms in our house and I didn't know about them until after my boys were safe with me and the police did a search. My blood ran cold at what could have happened. Please think hard about this and wait for the shock to wear off before deciding what to do. ((hugs))
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm with Anvil and Red about not letting him come straight home. This situation was too dangerous. Even assuming he did nothing but take himself out, he didn't care about doing it with you and the kids in the house. My first husband's dad committed suicide when my ex was two. He wasn't there, didn't find him (but his mom did), and that has affected his entire life. Can you imagine if your girls had run in when the gun went off and found him that way? How traumatizing it would have been for them? AND you?
I've heard of many alcoholics who got sober after a near suicide. So I don't think it's necessarily a hopeless situation for him. My bigger concern, though, is that you make sure that his issues are thoroughly addressed and that he is in SOLID recovery before he comes home--IF you decide to take him back (which is not anything you're obligated to do). You should never feel that because of this event you "owe" him another chance.
I've heard of many alcoholics who got sober after a near suicide. So I don't think it's necessarily a hopeless situation for him. My bigger concern, though, is that you make sure that his issues are thoroughly addressed and that he is in SOLID recovery before he comes home--IF you decide to take him back (which is not anything you're obligated to do). You should never feel that because of this event you "owe" him another chance.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
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Early in my relationship with my XAH I went through a very similar situation. I also handled it very calmly and de-escalated the situation. He promised to get rid of all of his guns (he never did) and seek treatment (he did later after being arrested).
I stayed in the toxic relationship for years. There were arrests, hospitalizations, multiple rehabs. Finally, thank God, I had enough and divorced him. I tried to still be as detached as possible but yet maintain a civil relationship. I never said the cruel and hurtful things to him that he said to me.
I made the mistake of picking up the telephone one night a couple of years ago and he threatened suicide. His Mom had just passed away and his brother was in town. I called his brother and let him handle it. If I had called the police he most likely would have missed his Mom's funeral. We were ALL grieving and yet he managed once again to make it all about him. Now I have FINALLY gotten to the point of no contact because I can not help him and trying to do so harms me. He needs a savior and it is not me.
I regret all of the years and drama I put myself and my family through trying to help, save, love him. I wish I had not let him come home after rehab until he had a very long period of sobriety. I would have saved myself a lot of stress because it's been over a decade and he has never achieved sobriety for any length of time. I did not help him nor myself by letting him come home.
I came to the realization that he very well might commit suicide one day and that I can not prevent it. I do not want him to kill me and I do not want to see it happen. I honestly feel that it was just a "poor victim me" cry for sympathy each time but I have had to leave it between him and God. I wish I had done this years ago.
We had no children and I realize everyone's story is different. I just wanted to share mine.
I stayed in the toxic relationship for years. There were arrests, hospitalizations, multiple rehabs. Finally, thank God, I had enough and divorced him. I tried to still be as detached as possible but yet maintain a civil relationship. I never said the cruel and hurtful things to him that he said to me.
I made the mistake of picking up the telephone one night a couple of years ago and he threatened suicide. His Mom had just passed away and his brother was in town. I called his brother and let him handle it. If I had called the police he most likely would have missed his Mom's funeral. We were ALL grieving and yet he managed once again to make it all about him. Now I have FINALLY gotten to the point of no contact because I can not help him and trying to do so harms me. He needs a savior and it is not me.
I regret all of the years and drama I put myself and my family through trying to help, save, love him. I wish I had not let him come home after rehab until he had a very long period of sobriety. I would have saved myself a lot of stress because it's been over a decade and he has never achieved sobriety for any length of time. I did not help him nor myself by letting him come home.
I came to the realization that he very well might commit suicide one day and that I can not prevent it. I do not want him to kill me and I do not want to see it happen. I honestly feel that it was just a "poor victim me" cry for sympathy each time but I have had to leave it between him and God. I wish I had done this years ago.
We had no children and I realize everyone's story is different. I just wanted to share mine.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
KTT, I know exactly what you are feeling.
A few years ago I almost lost my (now ex) alcoholic husband to a gun in his own hands. Terrifying and also infuriating. Knowing that not only was he willing to let the kids and I live with his alcoholism, but that he would take his own life and leave us to have to live with the pain and loss that would have caused us. It twists up my insides something terrible just typing this.
I'll never forget the feelings this situation evoked in me. Or the anxiety disorder that swiftly followed. I couldn't ever NOT think about it. It literally drove me crazy. Please, find some resources to help you deal with the trauma of this event.
The silver lining was that it finally got him to admit that he needed help. AA meetings helped. I wish he had worked the system the way it's designed to be worked.
Unfortunately he didn't have the strength to stay sober... and that alcoholic monkey on his back liked to taunt me with manipulations and talk of suicide that further contributed to my anxiety.
This was one of the main reasons he is now my ex.
Wishing you peace and clarity.
*hugs*
A few years ago I almost lost my (now ex) alcoholic husband to a gun in his own hands. Terrifying and also infuriating. Knowing that not only was he willing to let the kids and I live with his alcoholism, but that he would take his own life and leave us to have to live with the pain and loss that would have caused us. It twists up my insides something terrible just typing this.
I'll never forget the feelings this situation evoked in me. Or the anxiety disorder that swiftly followed. I couldn't ever NOT think about it. It literally drove me crazy. Please, find some resources to help you deal with the trauma of this event.
The silver lining was that it finally got him to admit that he needed help. AA meetings helped. I wish he had worked the system the way it's designed to be worked.
Unfortunately he didn't have the strength to stay sober... and that alcoholic monkey on his back liked to taunt me with manipulations and talk of suicide that further contributed to my anxiety.
This was one of the main reasons he is now my ex.
Wishing you peace and clarity.
*hugs*
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