My EXAW died, not from drinking
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Location: Birmingham AL
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My EXAW died, not from drinking
It's been awhile since I posted here. Quick back story; about 2.5 years ago I found out my wife was an alcoholic and she was having an affair. I was mad and scared. I grew up with an alcoholic father and new what it was like to live with active drinking. My ex hid her drinking. I wanted out but stayed anyway, I was afraid to leave her for myself. I moved into our guest room but after a week or so i was back. She was saying all the right stuff and I wanted to believe it. Then she got a DUI with my son in the car. She ended up in rehab and then IOP. She was great when she came out. That lasted a few months and then heralcoholic behavior came back, very selfish and self-centered. Nine months later she ambushed me with a horrible divorce. I had to fight to see my kids, she made up terrible lies about me. Said I abused her and the kids. In the end we had split custody and we parted ways. Over the last almost two years our "relationship" had gone up and down. I have been very active in Al Anon since the day after her DUI, I work my program and i know it keeps me serene. She acted like she worked a program but I still got crazy behavior from her. She would hate me for a few months and then love me for a few months. Back and forth. It was confusing for me and I think our kids. There were things she was supposed to give me back from the divorce and she would never do it. It was always weird dealing with her. Over the last two months she had been nice and we were getting along. I was actually struggling with that because it was scary to let her back into my life after all the crazy things she said about me and all the mean stuff she did to me. I know all or most of this came from an alcoholic brain, even though she wasn't drinking. I'm pretty sure she never started drinking or doing drugs again. I kept her away from me to protect my serenity.
On January 4th my kids called me at 4:50am in a panics. They said that mommy was paralyzed and couldn't talk. I knew she was dead. We live about 5 minutes from each other. I rushed over and found her dead in her bed. It looked liked she died peacefully in her sleep. She was 45 years old.
The last week and a half has been tough. My kids are doing amazingly well. I'm struggling. I'm going to Al Anon meetings, reading my literature, calling my sponsor, seeing my therapist and trying to take care of myself. I'm mad at her, this all feels like when she went to rehab and when she started being selflish again after rehab. Her house and affairs are a mess and I feel like I left her cleaning up all of this so my kids have some closure. On top off all of this I have her AA friends and her normal friends telling me how great of a person she was. I want to take them to her house and show them how she was living. I hadn't been in her house for over a year because she wouldn't let me in. It is a mess, kids should not live like that. She was not a hoarder but she was sure on the road to becoming one.
I loved her and I have pity for her losing her life so early. She's going to miss out on so much about our kids, they are 7 and 9. I feel terrible for them losing their mom, but I'm also glad that they aren't going to be raised half the time with a person that was obviously sick. Even her family has now admitted that there was something wrong with her. During the divorce they all blamed me and piled on to destroy my life.
I guess I'm wondering if there is anyone out here who has gone through this and can offer some experiences with how they dealt with it all. How do you personally accept that to some people she was an angel but in my world there were times that she was the worst person I ever dealt with.
On January 4th my kids called me at 4:50am in a panics. They said that mommy was paralyzed and couldn't talk. I knew she was dead. We live about 5 minutes from each other. I rushed over and found her dead in her bed. It looked liked she died peacefully in her sleep. She was 45 years old.
The last week and a half has been tough. My kids are doing amazingly well. I'm struggling. I'm going to Al Anon meetings, reading my literature, calling my sponsor, seeing my therapist and trying to take care of myself. I'm mad at her, this all feels like when she went to rehab and when she started being selflish again after rehab. Her house and affairs are a mess and I feel like I left her cleaning up all of this so my kids have some closure. On top off all of this I have her AA friends and her normal friends telling me how great of a person she was. I want to take them to her house and show them how she was living. I hadn't been in her house for over a year because she wouldn't let me in. It is a mess, kids should not live like that. She was not a hoarder but she was sure on the road to becoming one.
I loved her and I have pity for her losing her life so early. She's going to miss out on so much about our kids, they are 7 and 9. I feel terrible for them losing their mom, but I'm also glad that they aren't going to be raised half the time with a person that was obviously sick. Even her family has now admitted that there was something wrong with her. During the divorce they all blamed me and piled on to destroy my life.
I guess I'm wondering if there is anyone out here who has gone through this and can offer some experiences with how they dealt with it all. How do you personally accept that to some people she was an angel but in my world there were times that she was the worst person I ever dealt with.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Scubadad
First of all, my heart goes out to you and your kids. Please accept my profound condolences over all you have suffered.
I don't know if what I am about to say is helpful to you right now, but I have read/heard others say that the death of their spouse was easier to deal with than a divorce. I hope and pray that you and your children can find closure quickly and move on. It sounds like you have already been grieving your wife for many years.
"I kept her away from me to protect my serenity."
Absolutely right, You also maintained a safe place your kids could come to away from the insanity. There are many situations, as you know, where the partner is still in the same house with the addict and has nowhere else to go.
"I loved her and I have pity for her losing her life so early."
As one of my good friends Maia says, "we all love our addicts."
I know her death is a big change on many fronts for you, but chiefly the hope died that she would recover eventually. To be honest, she really "lost her life" when the addiction started her downward spiral.
I know you believe in a higher power in your program. Perhaps it would be helpful to think of your wife in your higher power's care, where she can finally be free.
Love and prayers to you and your family!
First of all, my heart goes out to you and your kids. Please accept my profound condolences over all you have suffered.
I don't know if what I am about to say is helpful to you right now, but I have read/heard others say that the death of their spouse was easier to deal with than a divorce. I hope and pray that you and your children can find closure quickly and move on. It sounds like you have already been grieving your wife for many years.
"I kept her away from me to protect my serenity."
Absolutely right, You also maintained a safe place your kids could come to away from the insanity. There are many situations, as you know, where the partner is still in the same house with the addict and has nowhere else to go.
"I loved her and I have pity for her losing her life so early."
As one of my good friends Maia says, "we all love our addicts."
I know her death is a big change on many fronts for you, but chiefly the hope died that she would recover eventually. To be honest, she really "lost her life" when the addiction started her downward spiral.
I know you believe in a higher power in your program. Perhaps it would be helpful to think of your wife in your higher power's care, where she can finally be free.
Love and prayers to you and your family!
Last edited by Eauchiche; 01-14-2017 at 05:37 AM. Reason: computer glitch
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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I'm am so sorry that you and your children are going through this and sorry for your loss. I truly don't know what to say other than be well and hold those kids tight. They are going to need that no matter how their mother was, that was still their mother.
Big hug to all of you
Ro
Big hug to all of you
Ro
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I'm so sorry. My ex husband died from cancer in 2013 at the age of 36, our son was 11 at the time. It's terrible for kids of any age to lose a parent. Our local hospice offers a free grief counseling program for children which was very helpful. The loved one does not have to have been a hospice patient for them to participate. I also had him do weekly sessions with a counselor last year when he was struggling again. The therapist was a young man around his dad's age who was also a cancer survivor. It really helped a lot.
I know I have some unpleasant memories of my ex husband. He was my ex for good reason, and it can be difficult reconciling those things when others around you are deeply and genuinely grieving. The best answer I can give is time. I have good relationships with his family now. That wasn't always the case, but I work to ensure that our son still gets as much time as possible with his dad's family and try to be mindful of their feelings during certain times- Mother's/Father's Days, the anniversary of his death, and other things like that.
You and the kids take care. Sending strength and support your way.
I know I have some unpleasant memories of my ex husband. He was my ex for good reason, and it can be difficult reconciling those things when others around you are deeply and genuinely grieving. The best answer I can give is time. I have good relationships with his family now. That wasn't always the case, but I work to ensure that our son still gets as much time as possible with his dad's family and try to be mindful of their feelings during certain times- Mother's/Father's Days, the anniversary of his death, and other things like that.
You and the kids take care. Sending strength and support your way.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Ladyscribbler just reminded me of something else in your OP.
You mentioned the reputation your wife enjoyed at her AA meetings. Reminds me of my late father.
We were invited to a special service at his church after he died, where they put a plaque with his picture on the wall, like a religious icon, then eulogized him like he had been St. Francis to them.
Apparently you couldn't find a better parishioner and friend than my late father.
To his family, he was an absolute SOB.
You mentioned the reputation your wife enjoyed at her AA meetings. Reminds me of my late father.
We were invited to a special service at his church after he died, where they put a plaque with his picture on the wall, like a religious icon, then eulogized him like he had been St. Francis to them.
Apparently you couldn't find a better parishioner and friend than my late father.
To his family, he was an absolute SOB.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,644
Hi Scubadad, I'm so sorry for yours and your children's loss. Yes, you ex wife is going to miss so much of your children growing up.
You mentioned about how to accept personally in some peoples world she was an angel but in your world she could be the worst person to deal with. ...It reminded me of my dad.
He was the nicest man when he was sober, but give him a drink or few, and he changed, seemed like the devil himself. Everyone thought he was such a good man, husband and father!....
How you accept personally, I don't know. I wanted to tell so many people what my dad was really like but never did. People will think what they want, it's not our business.
I hope you and your children find peace.
You mentioned about how to accept personally in some peoples world she was an angel but in your world she could be the worst person to deal with. ...It reminded me of my dad.
He was the nicest man when he was sober, but give him a drink or few, and he changed, seemed like the devil himself. Everyone thought he was such a good man, husband and father!....
How you accept personally, I don't know. I wanted to tell so many people what my dad was really like but never did. People will think what they want, it's not our business.
I hope you and your children find peace.
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Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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"I guess I'm wondering if there is anyone out here who has gone through this and can offer some experiences with how they dealt with it all. How do you personally accept that to some people she was an angel but in my world there were times that she was the worst person I ever dealt with"
truly sorry to read whats going on, scubadad.
im a member of AA. some people in AA only show only one side of themselves in the rooms- they put on a mask, which is usually the one that's all loving,caring, and spiritually in the clouds. that mask comes off outside the rooms and/or not around others in AA.
this may or may not be the case here. your EXAW might have been her true self in the rooms, which reads like a jeckyl and hide type of personality. just my opinion, but it reads like there were some emotional/mental disorders playing into her actions, as in this:"She would hate me for a few months and then love me for a few months."
anyways, I think its somewhat respect, when someone dies, for those that knew the person to say something nice about them. most people have a heart and aren't going to approach ya and say something like,"i know your ex from AA and, holy cow what a friggin nightmare! she caused so much havoc in the rooms!!"
when I got sober, I made a very good friend in AA.he helped me tremendously finding God and learning how to live life sober.helped me tremendously when i was diagnosed with cancer,too. he got me onto a motorcycle for the 1st time in 14 years and 1st time id ever been on one sober. i honestly didn't think it was possible to ride sober AND enjoy it, but i did and ended up buying a bike, which he "just so happened" to find. took an awesome 1000 mile roadtrip with him and didn't even leave Michigan. had some awesome conversation during those 4 days,too.
we slipped apart, mainly because he started drinkin and drugging again. he died a couple years later. i was extremely angry at him,very bad angry to the point of rage. talked to another friend about it. best thing i ever could have heard:
"you know he wasn't a bad man, just a sick man. be angry at the disease."
some people had( and have) horror stories of him. some don't. some,like me, have both. it is what it is.
i think one of the best suggestions i can give is don't stuff any feelings. when i did that it prolonged the grieving process. grieving happens and theres no one way to do it, but best to go through it.
prayers out for you and yours.
truly sorry to read whats going on, scubadad.
im a member of AA. some people in AA only show only one side of themselves in the rooms- they put on a mask, which is usually the one that's all loving,caring, and spiritually in the clouds. that mask comes off outside the rooms and/or not around others in AA.
this may or may not be the case here. your EXAW might have been her true self in the rooms, which reads like a jeckyl and hide type of personality. just my opinion, but it reads like there were some emotional/mental disorders playing into her actions, as in this:"She would hate me for a few months and then love me for a few months."
anyways, I think its somewhat respect, when someone dies, for those that knew the person to say something nice about them. most people have a heart and aren't going to approach ya and say something like,"i know your ex from AA and, holy cow what a friggin nightmare! she caused so much havoc in the rooms!!"
when I got sober, I made a very good friend in AA.he helped me tremendously finding God and learning how to live life sober.helped me tremendously when i was diagnosed with cancer,too. he got me onto a motorcycle for the 1st time in 14 years and 1st time id ever been on one sober. i honestly didn't think it was possible to ride sober AND enjoy it, but i did and ended up buying a bike, which he "just so happened" to find. took an awesome 1000 mile roadtrip with him and didn't even leave Michigan. had some awesome conversation during those 4 days,too.
we slipped apart, mainly because he started drinkin and drugging again. he died a couple years later. i was extremely angry at him,very bad angry to the point of rage. talked to another friend about it. best thing i ever could have heard:
"you know he wasn't a bad man, just a sick man. be angry at the disease."
some people had( and have) horror stories of him. some don't. some,like me, have both. it is what it is.
i think one of the best suggestions i can give is don't stuff any feelings. when i did that it prolonged the grieving process. grieving happens and theres no one way to do it, but best to go through it.
prayers out for you and yours.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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Originally Posted by tomsteve 
"you know he wasn't a bad man, just a sick man. be angry at the disease."
I'm from AA and ACoA so I am hoping it is ok for me to comment. If anyone is uncomfortable with me commenting on this board please let me know, and I will politely step away. I read "New posts" which brings up all forums, and your post caught my attention.
I am sorry for your and your children's loss.
Sometimes we alcoholics or addicts have a mask that we put on in the rooms, like what tomsteve said. My sense, however, is that this isn't the case with your ex-wife by how you described her behavior. Sometimes it's that we alcoholics/addicts may have good hearts but a broken mind. That could explain the confusing back and forth behavior you experienced, which must have been very difficult for you. I'm sure the healthy part of her hated that she was like that, but she didn't have the tools yet to solve it. Alcoholism isn't just about the alcohol. It's a mental illness that in real alcoholics gets worse when we stop drinking but don't resolve the mental/spiritual part.
I didn't know your ex wife but my sense is that she didn't mean to hurt you, but she was in a lot of pain and that's how she dealt with it. She probably did the best she could with the tools she had to deal with her pain. She's at peace now.
Sometimes if an alcoholic/addict has a messy house, it is an external indicator/projection of the chaos that exists internally. I'm sure it must have given her a lot of self-hate/feelings of inadequacy to see the state her home was in.
May you and your children find peace.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
You accept it because it does not matter what they think...
...she's dead now. Please consider letting people believe what they want to believe and keep your entire focus on you and your children. You, and your recovery, are critically important so you can be the best possible father for your children and make absolutely sure you don't bring another alcoholic/addict into their lives.
Please focus on that, and let your wife go fully and completely. It all doesn't matter anymore-- she's gone forever, but the damage she caused in you and your children's lives has left scars, some you can see, and some you can't. Please consider counseling for your children, and continue your meetings indefinitely-- if not for you, for them. Believe me, they aren't fine, and they aren't doing fine. They've likely learned to lie, hide their feelings, and do what they can to keep mom and/or dad happy. That is most likely their reality. They need an opportunity to be honest about their feelings, to talk and act them out, to process them, and to learn to live life as it is now.
Focus on them. Focus on you so you can Focus on them. FOCUS.
My two cents.
Cyranoak
Please focus on that, and let your wife go fully and completely. It all doesn't matter anymore-- she's gone forever, but the damage she caused in you and your children's lives has left scars, some you can see, and some you can't. Please consider counseling for your children, and continue your meetings indefinitely-- if not for you, for them. Believe me, they aren't fine, and they aren't doing fine. They've likely learned to lie, hide their feelings, and do what they can to keep mom and/or dad happy. That is most likely their reality. They need an opportunity to be honest about their feelings, to talk and act them out, to process them, and to learn to live life as it is now.
Focus on them. Focus on you so you can Focus on them. FOCUS.
My two cents.
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 56
I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to your kids. As others have said I strongly recommend counseling. I found grief support for my kids that is free and groups them according to age. I'm not in the room with them so they can talk with same age peers experiencing similar things without worrying about me. Your school counselor, funeral home or church might have referrals for you.
It's been 1.5 years since my husband died. We were separated. His behavior in the 3 years leading up to his death was horrific. I try to remember he had a disease that affected his brain. He was also a master at hiding his disease so many people didn't see the out of control alcoholic behavior. My kids were 7 and 11 at the time of his death. In their young eyes dad is a hero. I don't want to take that away from them so I don't talk about his bad behavior in front of them. I have a good family friend that hears my angry rants from time to time. Someone else mentioned that people may be showing respect for your ex and not mentioning anything bad. I find that to be the case many times. I try to remember my husband wasn't all bad. He accomplished much and was a pretty great dad before addiction sank its teeth in.
Maybe google "complicated grief." Reading about that helped me.
Again I'm sorry you and your kids are experiencing this.
It's been 1.5 years since my husband died. We were separated. His behavior in the 3 years leading up to his death was horrific. I try to remember he had a disease that affected his brain. He was also a master at hiding his disease so many people didn't see the out of control alcoholic behavior. My kids were 7 and 11 at the time of his death. In their young eyes dad is a hero. I don't want to take that away from them so I don't talk about his bad behavior in front of them. I have a good family friend that hears my angry rants from time to time. Someone else mentioned that people may be showing respect for your ex and not mentioning anything bad. I find that to be the case many times. I try to remember my husband wasn't all bad. He accomplished much and was a pretty great dad before addiction sank its teeth in.
Maybe google "complicated grief." Reading about that helped me.
Again I'm sorry you and your kids are experiencing this.
Last edited by LucyGoosey; 01-14-2017 at 10:11 PM. Reason: Spelling, stupid phone
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I am just so sorry to hear about your loss! What unparalleled tragedy brought on by years of alcohol abuse and untreated mental illness.
You and your children will be in my prayers. There are some powerful and wonderful posts here on your thread, Scubadad. I hope you can take some of this to heart. You are not alone here.
Please keep taking good care of your children and yourself.
You and your children will be in my prayers. There are some powerful and wonderful posts here on your thread, Scubadad. I hope you can take some of this to heart. You are not alone here.
Please keep taking good care of your children and yourself.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,643
Addiction sucks. I understand only too well this simple fact. I can only offer my thoughts. What others think or say about you or your passed away spouse is immaterial. You are here. Your children are here. She is not. There are so many layers of grief in that. The person, mother, wife, AA friend- all of those labels in that person are no longer. So grief comes in waves- the person she was, what became- what could have been.
All I know with my own grief is it will come despite everything. It will come on the bus, half way through a meeting- or even when I do not think or even feel like I am grieving. I accept this. Sometimes I do not understand why. I just soldier on- remember my HALTS(ad). Go to a meeting, write stuff down, share, post, learn, pray to god (whatever that is).
My experiences are not yours. I do not think there is anyone ho can say - 'do this!' and everything will be Willy Wonka wonderful.
My prayers to you and your children. My prayers for your deceased spouse.
All I know with my own grief is it will come despite everything. It will come on the bus, half way through a meeting- or even when I do not think or even feel like I am grieving. I accept this. Sometimes I do not understand why. I just soldier on- remember my HALTS(ad). Go to a meeting, write stuff down, share, post, learn, pray to god (whatever that is).
My experiences are not yours. I do not think there is anyone ho can say - 'do this!' and everything will be Willy Wonka wonderful.
My prayers to you and your children. My prayers for your deceased spouse.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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How sad for your children, and you to lose someone at such a young age. It puts an enormous sense of responsibility on your shoulders, but I'm sure you are up for it. Can you count on support from yours and your EXAW's extended family?
The difference between what you knew about your wife and how she came over to others is puzzling, but then she obviously had a good side that she presented to the world. Lots of us do. It will give your children some positive memories as they grow up.
All the best; thinking of you over the next few weeks.
The difference between what you knew about your wife and how she came over to others is puzzling, but then she obviously had a good side that she presented to the world. Lots of us do. It will give your children some positive memories as they grow up.
All the best; thinking of you over the next few weeks.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm so sorry for your loss. I do hope you get some counseling for the kiddos--for them to have this happen on "their watch" has to have been incredibly traumatizing--on top of the trauma that already comes with having an alcoholic parent.
Hugs,
Hugs,
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