Do alcoholics ever leave their untreated Co-Dependents?
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Do alcoholics ever leave their untreated Co-Dependents?
Hello again!
I would welcome your observations of your personal experience, or your knowledge of others, sober or still drinking.
I have mentioned in other posts, that I have met people who would facilitate me drinking again if I had to live with them. Yeah, I know the alcoholic can't blame his drinking on somebody else, BUT, we all know people who seem to have an itch nobody can quite scratch. I met many of them in the AlAnon rooms who have been working their program for many years.
Many thanks again!
I would welcome your observations of your personal experience, or your knowledge of others, sober or still drinking.
I have mentioned in other posts, that I have met people who would facilitate me drinking again if I had to live with them. Yeah, I know the alcoholic can't blame his drinking on somebody else, BUT, we all know people who seem to have an itch nobody can quite scratch. I met many of them in the AlAnon rooms who have been working their program for many years.
Many thanks again!
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My alcoholic uncle left his extremely codependent wife of 30ish years, after starting an emotional affair with another married woman.
It all happened very suddenly, from the outside looking in. This was before I entered my own recovery so I can see the situation a bit differently now - at first it seemed like he just spiraled & completely lost himself but now I can absolutely see how she bears at least some of the responsibility for the dysfunction in their marriage.
She is still as codie as ever in her new relationship but no one ever talks about anything on her side of the street - it's all about his addiction & his behaviors, they all feel that she is fully justified. He has continued drinking & his life has continued to degrade in all areas, especially in his relationships with his children. It has probably been about 8 yrs or so since all of this happened.
It all happened very suddenly, from the outside looking in. This was before I entered my own recovery so I can see the situation a bit differently now - at first it seemed like he just spiraled & completely lost himself but now I can absolutely see how she bears at least some of the responsibility for the dysfunction in their marriage.
She is still as codie as ever in her new relationship but no one ever talks about anything on her side of the street - it's all about his addiction & his behaviors, they all feel that she is fully justified. He has continued drinking & his life has continued to degrade in all areas, especially in his relationships with his children. It has probably been about 8 yrs or so since all of this happened.
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BUT, we all know people who seem to have an itch nobody can quite scratch. I met many of them in the AlAnon rooms who have been working their program for many years.
But yes untreated and treated alcoholics leave untreated co-dependents all the things and for various reasons.
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The alcoholic/codependent creates the perfect storm as the alcoholic is enabled by their destruction and thinks they are doing no wrong, where the codependent is walking behind them with a broom to clean up the mess and make up excuses for them.
They rely on each other heavily, but alcoholics usually don't leave that i've noticed, as their complete obsession in life is the alcohol, and nothing else, but anything is possible.
They rely on each other heavily, but alcoholics usually don't leave that i've noticed, as their complete obsession in life is the alcohol, and nothing else, but anything is possible.
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Originally Posted by atalose 
Not sure exactly what you mean with this????
But yes untreated and treated alcoholics leave untreated co-dependents all the things and for various reasons.
But yes untreated and treated alcoholics leave untreated co-dependents all the things and for various reasons.
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Oh yeah them, well the way I look at it is.......a test of my own tolerance and patience and empathy for those who continue to need help.
I steer clear of them or simply thank them for their concern and move on and away.
I steer clear of them or simply thank them for their concern and move on and away.
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Interesting question. I am a recovering A. Six years sober. I would steer clear of a Codie who was trying to encourage me to return to drinking. Just like I steer clear of heavy drinking situations. They just don't suit me anymore.
However if I was looking to relapse, I would connect with both of the above.
However if I was looking to relapse, I would connect with both of the above.
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Yes, of course, they do. Over the years, here, I have read story after story written by a man or woman who has just been left by the alcoholic or addict in their life, and they struggle with the classic, codependent feelings and behaviors that have gone unrecognized and untreated.
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I think alcoholics will leave if they sense their partner is pulling away or getting better. I slowly stopped doing things to enable and the relationship spiraled until he left for another, within hours. Active A's will swiftly move on in order to continue being enabled. I'm thankful that I started my own recovery from codependency
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I liked the point above about them leaving when the codie / enabler starts to change or wise up.
Alcoholics seem to be very perceptive in reading the room when it comes to the attitude of their drinking. Not necessary when they are drunk, but they are quite intelligent in many cases when it comes to knowing how to manipulate the environment and can sense when the tide is turning.
For me, in my past experience, she was able to sense that I was just growing weary of the fight, of covering up, cleaning up, and could sense me pulling away and as a result pulled away herself. I suppose for some people, if they determine that the consequences will be dire, they could put on the good guy/girl act for a while to try and lure you back.
However, I would say, do they leave their codie partners? My observation would be, rarely when the codie is in full-blown support mode, and then the likeliness increases as the codie starts to distance, wise up, attend Al-Anon, etc.
My "enough is enough" attitude has always been the catalyst for causing an eventual rift leading to breakup or almost-breakup, because they just want to drink in peace and get all your support. You start to take that away and the story changes.
The less tolerant I became of her behavior, the less interest she had in having a relationship with me.
Alcoholics seem to be very perceptive in reading the room when it comes to the attitude of their drinking. Not necessary when they are drunk, but they are quite intelligent in many cases when it comes to knowing how to manipulate the environment and can sense when the tide is turning.
For me, in my past experience, she was able to sense that I was just growing weary of the fight, of covering up, cleaning up, and could sense me pulling away and as a result pulled away herself. I suppose for some people, if they determine that the consequences will be dire, they could put on the good guy/girl act for a while to try and lure you back.
However, I would say, do they leave their codie partners? My observation would be, rarely when the codie is in full-blown support mode, and then the likeliness increases as the codie starts to distance, wise up, attend Al-Anon, etc.
My "enough is enough" attitude has always been the catalyst for causing an eventual rift leading to breakup or almost-breakup, because they just want to drink in peace and get all your support. You start to take that away and the story changes.
The less tolerant I became of her behavior, the less interest she had in having a relationship with me.
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Originally Posted by Eauchiche
What I meant was the control freaks who run around trying to remake/ reform/ convert everybody else in the room.
My xabf was a major control freak. While I may have fell into the "codie" label in the relationship, I was not trying to change him, encourage his drinking, or tell him to stop. I was trying to accept it for what it was and I did until he became more and more abusive and controlling towards me. Yes, once the relationship became abusive I did let him know that his drinking whiskey on top of the all day beers made me afraid of him.
I never even mentioned his every day illegal lortab use mixed with all day long shots of aspirin powder, and heavy smoking that was in the mix with the alcohol. He is an adult and can make his own choices. It was once those choice impacted me negatively that I spoke up. He was not happy.
The codie in me tolerated behaviors that a normal person would never have tolerated. I was trying to change myself to be better for him (sick of me, yes), not the other way around. In all of that I was the bad guy that was in his way to "have fun" because I was "boring".
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Originally Posted by torquemax777
I've just got to know; why "aspirin powder" Olow? Sorry, OT
I am not exactly sure. It contains a high amount of aspirin with 65mg of caffeine. I know that he was always looking for a "bump" as he liked to say. He prides himself on maintaining a constant buzz. He said that he has a lot of back pain and recently hip pain and that is why he numbs it with alcohol, pills, and powder (quack!). His alcoholism stems from his high school, maybe even middle school years. He also used to do cocaine heavily in his younger years (he is 52). He has a lot of gastrointestinal issues that are caused by "aging" (Quack! Couldn't be the alcohol now, could it?).
Maybe someone more familiar with NSAIDs that contain caffeine could answer your question. I had bleeding ulcers a few years ago from one Aleve a day for 3 years. I am still not fully recovered. I cannot take aspirin and never took any NSAID with caffeine to know what they do.
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happens all the time. alcoholism eventually kills all relationships, or it kills the alcoholic. eventually something or somebody dies, sometimes sooner, sometimes later, sometimes the alcoholic, sometimes those that love them, and sometimes complete innocents. unless, of course, the alcoholic and/or the codependent find recovery.
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As someone who is both an alcoholic (25 years sober) and one who has suffered the hell of codependency, I think they're two sides of the same coin. They're both addiction. When I got sober I still had the hole in my gut and shifted my addictive thinking to someone who brought me a great deal of pain. Both alcohol and a dysfunctional relationship helped take the focus off the real problem, me. Withdrawal from booze and a relationship are very similar. Alanon was what made the big difference: by tackling my own issues I was able to stop acting out.
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im a recovering alcoholic who suffered from untreated codependency after getting into recovery for alcoholism and got into a relationship with a chronic relapsing alcoholic/addict codependent hoarder. reading that, man I was siiiiiiick!!!
might sound harsh, but I didn't leave her- I put her on plane to visit her parents in florida and moved all her crap out- I threw her out, didn't leave her.
but when I was drinkin? cant say if any of them women were codependants. I was too dam selfeish and self centered to even consider it, but some of em prolly were codies. hell, they got into a relationship with me! they had to have an issue or 4!
but it was always them that ended the relationship.
might sound harsh, but I didn't leave her- I put her on plane to visit her parents in florida and moved all her crap out- I threw her out, didn't leave her.
but when I was drinkin? cant say if any of them women were codependants. I was too dam selfeish and self centered to even consider it, but some of em prolly were codies. hell, they got into a relationship with me! they had to have an issue or 4!
but it was always them that ended the relationship.
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