New here - Looking for guidance
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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The issue is that I've had these plans for so long and every time he screws up astronomically, I take him back. I guess I feel like I owe him a chance, but he's already had so many and I have to embrace that the next time he messes up is the last time. I'm wasting away my early 20's being miserable, it's time to start living again with or without him.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by SaveYourHeart 
On that note, I do have a question - if I divorce him, will I still be eligible to participate in al-anon?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
every time he screws up astronomically, I take him back. I guess I feel like I owe him a chance, but he's already had so many
if I divorce him, will I still be eligible to participate in al-anon?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, it sounds like you've got a good start on the practical aspects of it. What you also need to consider, though, is your emotional ability to walk away. Your ability to say that this is not what you are going to accept for your life, that you deserve better, to acknowledge that this man--whom you chose--is not the person able to be the kind of partner you need and deserve.
It's very hard to "give up" on the dreams we have, but making the wise decision for yourself later is much less harmful than hanging on for the sake of trying to prove yourself right for choosing him. When you get hung up on hanging in and waiting for the miracle to happen--for him to be everything you hoped and believed he would be--you are essentially throwing good "money" after bad. It's like doubling down when you're losing at the gambling table in the belief it will all pay off in the end.
I'm not saying that's what you've doing--where your head is at--but it's something to be aware of.
It's very hard to "give up" on the dreams we have, but making the wise decision for yourself later is much less harmful than hanging on for the sake of trying to prove yourself right for choosing him. When you get hung up on hanging in and waiting for the miracle to happen--for him to be everything you hoped and believed he would be--you are essentially throwing good "money" after bad. It's like doubling down when you're losing at the gambling table in the belief it will all pay off in the end.
I'm not saying that's what you've doing--where your head is at--but it's something to be aware of.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: East Coast
Posts: 102
Hi SYH. As I hope you know from all of the thoughtful responses you've received here, you are not alone. I continue to find a lot of similarities to our two stories - even down to the fact you noticed things got really out of hand in July (same!).
I, too, was afraid that my nagging was contributing to his drinking. I tried every which way to stop nagging, but guess what - his drinking and our lives had become unmanageable and I had zero tools in my toolbox for how to fix it or how to fix myself and how I was handling everything. So nagging it was! What I wish I had done was gone to Al-Anon and started to read here a bit earlier - so good on you!
I echo what others have said - you're laying some great plans down already. Keep them up! And also keep focusing on y-o-u. You do not have to "waste" any more of your 20s than you want to. You have so much life ahead of you and you're going to be so much stronger because of this situation.
One of my favorite sayings is "when you know better, you do better" which I repeat often to myself. So trust that you're learning and hopefully making better decisions for yourself. That and "nothing changes if nothing changes." Sounds like your AH doesn't want anything to change... and if nothing changes, well...
((((hugs))))
I, too, was afraid that my nagging was contributing to his drinking. I tried every which way to stop nagging, but guess what - his drinking and our lives had become unmanageable and I had zero tools in my toolbox for how to fix it or how to fix myself and how I was handling everything. So nagging it was! What I wish I had done was gone to Al-Anon and started to read here a bit earlier - so good on you!
I echo what others have said - you're laying some great plans down already. Keep them up! And also keep focusing on y-o-u. You do not have to "waste" any more of your 20s than you want to. You have so much life ahead of you and you're going to be so much stronger because of this situation.
One of my favorite sayings is "when you know better, you do better" which I repeat often to myself. So trust that you're learning and hopefully making better decisions for yourself. That and "nothing changes if nothing changes." Sounds like your AH doesn't want anything to change... and if nothing changes, well...
((((hugs))))
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
Originally Posted by CaptainM
Hi SYH. As I hope you know from all of the thoughtful responses you've received here, you are not alone. I continue to find a lot of similarities to our two stories - even down to the fact you noticed things got really out of hand in July (same!).
I, too, was afraid that my nagging was contributing to his drinking. I tried every which way to stop nagging, but guess what - his drinking and our lives had become unmanageable and I had zero tools in my toolbox for how to fix it or how to fix myself and how I was handling everything. So nagging it was! What I wish I had done was gone to Al-Anon and started to read here a bit earlier - so good on you!
I echo what others have said - you're laying some great plans down already. Keep them up! And also keep focusing on y-o-u. You do not have to "waste" any more of your 20s than you want to. You have so much life ahead of you and you're going to be so much stronger because of this situation.
One of my favorite sayings is "when you know better, you do better" which I repeat often to myself. So trust that you're learning and hopefully making better decisions for yourself. That and "nothing changes if nothing changes." Sounds like your AH doesn't want anything to change... and if nothing changes, well...
((((hugs))))
I, too, was afraid that my nagging was contributing to his drinking. I tried every which way to stop nagging, but guess what - his drinking and our lives had become unmanageable and I had zero tools in my toolbox for how to fix it or how to fix myself and how I was handling everything. So nagging it was! What I wish I had done was gone to Al-Anon and started to read here a bit earlier - so good on you!
I echo what others have said - you're laying some great plans down already. Keep them up! And also keep focusing on y-o-u. You do not have to "waste" any more of your 20s than you want to. You have so much life ahead of you and you're going to be so much stronger because of this situation.
One of my favorite sayings is "when you know better, you do better" which I repeat often to myself. So trust that you're learning and hopefully making better decisions for yourself. That and "nothing changes if nothing changes." Sounds like your AH doesn't want anything to change... and if nothing changes, well...
((((hugs))))
Thank you for sharing. I do see a lot of similarities in our situations. I'm happy for you that you got out of yours. I hope that I can be strong enough to make that decision if the time comes. <3
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by SaveYourHeart
It's funny, when I got home after the meeting, he seemed offended that I enjoyed the meeting. Whereas, before, he was extremely supportive of me going.
a lil sumthin ya posted up a ways:
"I worry if he'll be able to survive without me and my income...."
welp, guess who was repsonsable for me getting out of my underoos and puttin on some big boy undies and takin responsibility for me?
ME!!!
".... and I think a lot of my guilt lays on the fact that I promised him forever..."
glad i never broke a promise when i was a drunk!
more than once a week.
that's prolly a lie.
more than 7 times a week. there. i think i covered myself with that.
maybe. idk, i was drunk.
anyways, so what? did you promise to put up with the insanity? did you promise to clean up his puke? promise to put up with his insecurities? his selfish self centereness? promise to be his mother and hostage?
"... and am scared of breaking that promise. I don't know who I am without him."
don't let that fear control your actions.
if the time comes, ya just gotta get some courage.
and it wont be so bad learning who ya are, which part of that is a woman that doesn't deserve to be treated like you've been.
best move any women that was in a relationship with made was to toss me to the curb( even happened once on the ride home from work in BFE. stopped the car and told me gth out).
i was only gonna drag em down with me.
not sayin that's gonna happen in your situation, but im readin a whole lot of(old) me in yer hubby.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Originally Posted by tomsteve
ex drunken SOB here. id say things to show support yet, was upset when any actions meant it was an action that would jeopardize me losing my hostage- i didn't have relationships- i took hostages and set ransoms. in otherwords, i really wasn't supportive, just sayin the right things.
a lil sumthin ya posted up a ways:
"I worry if he'll be able to survive without me and my income...."
welp, guess who was repsonsable for me getting out of my underoos and puttin on some big boy undies and takin responsibility for me?
ME!!!
".... and I think a lot of my guilt lays on the fact that I promised him forever..."
glad i never broke a promise when i was a drunk!
more than once a week.
that's prolly a lie.
more than 7 times a week. there. i think i covered myself with that.
maybe. idk, i was drunk.
anyways, so what? did you promise to put up with the insanity? did you promise to clean up his puke? promise to put up with his insecurities? his selfish self centereness? promise to be his mother and hostage?
"... and am scared of breaking that promise. I don't know who I am without him."
don't let that fear control your actions.
if the time comes, ya just gotta get some courage.
and it wont be so bad learning who ya are, which part of that is a woman that doesn't deserve to be treated like you've been.
best move any women that was in a relationship with made was to toss me to the curb( even happened once on the ride home from work in BFE. stopped the car and told me gth out).
i was only gonna drag em down with me.
not sayin that's gonna happen in your situation, but im readin a whole lot of(old) me in yer hubby.
a lil sumthin ya posted up a ways:
"I worry if he'll be able to survive without me and my income...."
welp, guess who was repsonsable for me getting out of my underoos and puttin on some big boy undies and takin responsibility for me?
ME!!!
".... and I think a lot of my guilt lays on the fact that I promised him forever..."
glad i never broke a promise when i was a drunk!
more than once a week.
that's prolly a lie.
more than 7 times a week. there. i think i covered myself with that.
maybe. idk, i was drunk.
anyways, so what? did you promise to put up with the insanity? did you promise to clean up his puke? promise to put up with his insecurities? his selfish self centereness? promise to be his mother and hostage?
"... and am scared of breaking that promise. I don't know who I am without him."
don't let that fear control your actions.
if the time comes, ya just gotta get some courage.
and it wont be so bad learning who ya are, which part of that is a woman that doesn't deserve to be treated like you've been.
best move any women that was in a relationship with made was to toss me to the curb( even happened once on the ride home from work in BFE. stopped the car and told me gth out).
i was only gonna drag em down with me.
not sayin that's gonna happen in your situation, but im readin a whole lot of(old) me in yer hubby.
SYH, I never married my qualifier and it has been decades since I've been with him but I'm still qualified to be here on SR or to go to an Alanon meeting. Keep coming back no matter what happens. Go to Alanon all you want.
You can always join us in trying to be supportive to others in relationships with alcoholics . . . heck you may have some undiscovered knack for expressing just the right amount of kindness and what-the-heck-are-you-doing sentiment.
Keep posting. You sure seem to be figuring this out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
Originally Posted by tomsteve
ex drunken SOB here. id say things to show support yet, was upset when any actions meant it was an action that would jeopardize me losing my hostage- i didn't have relationships- i took hostages and set ransoms. in otherwords, i really wasn't supportive, just sayin the right things.
a lil sumthin ya posted up a ways:
"I worry if he'll be able to survive without me and my income...."
welp, guess who was repsonsable for me getting out of my underoos and puttin on some big boy undies and takin responsibility for me?
ME!!!
".... and I think a lot of my guilt lays on the fact that I promised him forever..."
glad i never broke a promise when i was a drunk!
more than once a week.
that's prolly a lie.
more than 7 times a week. there. i think i covered myself with that.
maybe. idk, i was drunk.
anyways, so what? did you promise to put up with the insanity? did you promise to clean up his puke? promise to put up with his insecurities? his selfish self centereness? promise to be his mother and hostage?
"... and am scared of breaking that promise. I don't know who I am without him."
don't let that fear control your actions.
if the time comes, ya just gotta get some courage.
and it wont be so bad learning who ya are, which part of that is a woman that doesn't deserve to be treated like you've been.
best move any women that was in a relationship with made was to toss me to the curb( even happened once on the ride home from work in BFE. stopped the car and told me gth out).
i was only gonna drag em down with me.
not sayin that's gonna happen in your situation, but im readin a whole lot of(old) me in yer hubby.
a lil sumthin ya posted up a ways:
"I worry if he'll be able to survive without me and my income...."
welp, guess who was repsonsable for me getting out of my underoos and puttin on some big boy undies and takin responsibility for me?
ME!!!
".... and I think a lot of my guilt lays on the fact that I promised him forever..."
glad i never broke a promise when i was a drunk!
more than once a week.
that's prolly a lie.
more than 7 times a week. there. i think i covered myself with that.
maybe. idk, i was drunk.
anyways, so what? did you promise to put up with the insanity? did you promise to clean up his puke? promise to put up with his insecurities? his selfish self centereness? promise to be his mother and hostage?
"... and am scared of breaking that promise. I don't know who I am without him."
don't let that fear control your actions.
if the time comes, ya just gotta get some courage.
and it wont be so bad learning who ya are, which part of that is a woman that doesn't deserve to be treated like you've been.
best move any women that was in a relationship with made was to toss me to the curb( even happened once on the ride home from work in BFE. stopped the car and told me gth out).
i was only gonna drag em down with me.
not sayin that's gonna happen in your situation, but im readin a whole lot of(old) me in yer hubby.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
Making boundaries is easy. Keeping them is much harder. It's been almost a week since we set the boundaries (my boundaries) and he has broken them twice and somehow, I'm still here. The first time was the day after I set the boundary, but he was honest about it. He told me without me asking, and he apologized profusely. I should have left right then.
The second time was Saturday night. I went to al-anon and when I came back, there was vodka missing from his bottle. I approached him about it because that was it! It was the last straw!! He denied, denied, denied. Told me I was crazy and that I was a liar. Only when I was packing my bags did he come clean.
He's angrier at me for micromanaging him than he is at himself for drinking, breaking his promise and lying about it. He even said that he was going to quit drinking the next day, but because I micromanaged him, he's going to drink and drink until he feels like stopping. I should have left right then.
But here I am. I'm angry and sad and confused. I know I shouldn't have micromanaged him, but I am not responsible for the way he reacts or the actions he takes. I decided that we needed to wait until both of us had calmed down to discuss the future, and I'm okay with that. I can just feel the hate and resentment pouring from him whenever I walk into a room. I guess I made the boundaries with the expectation that he would at least try, since he thought he could moderate his drinking without any help. I think now, if I decide to stay, he'll start hiding the bottles.
I know I should leave. I know. I'm just so scared of the future. I love him. I don't know what else to say, no one can make the decision for me, but I'm just so disappointed in myself for not holding firm to the boundaries I made. I'm not sure where to go from here, but I guess I'll have to start figuring things out on my own.
The second time was Saturday night. I went to al-anon and when I came back, there was vodka missing from his bottle. I approached him about it because that was it! It was the last straw!! He denied, denied, denied. Told me I was crazy and that I was a liar. Only when I was packing my bags did he come clean.
He's angrier at me for micromanaging him than he is at himself for drinking, breaking his promise and lying about it. He even said that he was going to quit drinking the next day, but because I micromanaged him, he's going to drink and drink until he feels like stopping. I should have left right then.
But here I am. I'm angry and sad and confused. I know I shouldn't have micromanaged him, but I am not responsible for the way he reacts or the actions he takes. I decided that we needed to wait until both of us had calmed down to discuss the future, and I'm okay with that. I can just feel the hate and resentment pouring from him whenever I walk into a room. I guess I made the boundaries with the expectation that he would at least try, since he thought he could moderate his drinking without any help. I think now, if I decide to stay, he'll start hiding the bottles.
I know I should leave. I know. I'm just so scared of the future. I love him. I don't know what else to say, no one can make the decision for me, but I'm just so disappointed in myself for not holding firm to the boundaries I made. I'm not sure where to go from here, but I guess I'll have to start figuring things out on my own.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Boundaries aren't rules for other people, but guidelines for yourself. If your boundary is that you won't live with someone in active addiction, then you didn't really need his validation once you saw there was vodka missing from the bottle.
Rules vs boundaries is tough. Boundaries put the responsibility on ourselves to protect our serenity. Rules ask someone else to do it, and in this case, the person you are asking to protect your serenity is not capable of doing so right now.
Sometimes we love people who aren't good for us right now. We have to love ourselves enough to take care of ourselves, and love them enough to give them the dignity of taking care of themselves.
Rules vs boundaries is tough. Boundaries put the responsibility on ourselves to protect our serenity. Rules ask someone else to do it, and in this case, the person you are asking to protect your serenity is not capable of doing so right now.
Sometimes we love people who aren't good for us right now. We have to love ourselves enough to take care of ourselves, and love them enough to give them the dignity of taking care of themselves.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I didn't really get the whole boundary thing when I first got here, but a user named Mike had a really good explanation that clarified it for me.
A boundary is for me, something I do to protect myself, it's not a rule for someone else to follow.
Rule- You can't drink in the house.
Boundary- I won't live in a home with active alcoholism.
Rule- You can't drink and drive.
Boundary- I won't ride with a driver who has been drinking.
Rules are like recipes for resentment and disappointment. They are an attempt to control someone else's behavior. With boundaries, the onus is on me to enforce them by taking action that is consistent with my words.
Hope this helps, take care.
A boundary is for me, something I do to protect myself, it's not a rule for someone else to follow.
Rule- You can't drink in the house.
Boundary- I won't live in a home with active alcoholism.
Rule- You can't drink and drive.
Boundary- I won't ride with a driver who has been drinking.
Rules are like recipes for resentment and disappointment. They are an attempt to control someone else's behavior. With boundaries, the onus is on me to enforce them by taking action that is consistent with my words.
Hope this helps, take care.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Boundaries ARE difficult & I agree with the above explanations. It took me a little while to really identify mine fully - a lot of the time I found that it was easy to identify what I found unacceptable, but not so easy to identify what *I* was willing to do about it.
In early recovery these situations helped *me* to see my *own* behaviors more clearly & I started to see them as lessons on where I needed (& could!) create changes. I stopped having a woe-is-me-look-at-what-I-HAVE-to-deal-with attitude & flipped from victimizing myself to empowering myself. The tricky part is, like you said, following through.
It helped me to think like LS said - an "if this, then that" mentality in boundary-setting that also allows the flexibility to add/subtract from said boundary as I grow & learn more. Cut yourself some slack, we've all BTDT!
In early recovery these situations helped *me* to see my *own* behaviors more clearly & I started to see them as lessons on where I needed (& could!) create changes. I stopped having a woe-is-me-look-at-what-I-HAVE-to-deal-with attitude & flipped from victimizing myself to empowering myself. The tricky part is, like you said, following through.
It helped me to think like LS said - an "if this, then that" mentality in boundary-setting that also allows the flexibility to add/subtract from said boundary as I grow & learn more. Cut yourself some slack, we've all BTDT!
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
Originally Posted by SaveYourHeart
He's angrier at me for micromanaging him than he is at himself for drinking, breaking his promise and lying about it. He even said that he was going to quit drinking the next day, but because I micromanaged him, he's going to drink and drink until he feels like stopping.
As far as you loving him, I'm sure you can see that probably a good number of us on here who have left our As loved them. Loving someone and leaving someone are not mutually exclusive, unfortunately.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It's been almost a week since we set the boundaries (my boundaries) and he has broken them twice and somehow, I'm still here.
Having a plan to help you stick to your boundaries is key. And that plan cannot include him having to do a dam thing.
Let’s say one of your boundaries is to not reside with someone who is intoxicated. Your plan may then have to include, where would you go? Can you stay with family or friends? IF not, can you afford a hotel for several days? What is the plan after you’ve been gone for several days?
So often idol threats like “I am going to leave if you don’t x, y or z” fall short because there usually is no plan. And boundaries don’t have to be announced and should never be a mutual decision between.
Boundaries are for you, and how you will conduct yourself, respect yourself and take care of yourself.
And simply don’t set any boundaries for yourself unless you have a plan on how to execute them. It’s kind of like losing weight, we start out with a great plan in our heads but without actually dieting and exercising we aren’t going to lose the weight and instead become even more frustrated and disappointed with ourselves.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 528
I agree with Atalose. What is your plan for the next time you see unacceptable behavior? He sees you talking but all that means to him is you are still there! Someone in Alanon told me an alcoholic looks at the world like a TV set with the mute button on. He will look at what you do, not what you say.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Saveyourheart, you hit the nail on the head when you said:
"Making boundaries is easy. Keeping them is much harder."
Don't beat yourself up but take seriously what the others have said. You could even have a bag packed as well as knowing where you will go. Unfortunately it looks like you will have another opportunity to stick that boundary.
Big hug and let us know how it goes.
"Making boundaries is easy. Keeping them is much harder."
Don't beat yourself up but take seriously what the others have said. You could even have a bag packed as well as knowing where you will go. Unfortunately it looks like you will have another opportunity to stick that boundary.
Big hug and let us know how it goes.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It all boils down to one thing. Actions. No words.
Words mean absolutely nothing. As you said, he denied, denied, denied. You had made rules, he had broken them. He lied about it. You started feeling crazy in the process.
Nothing but actions makes a difference, and honestly, he broke the "rule" the very next day!
I was not able to make any changes until I got this through my thick skull and actually started being a lot more quiet, watching more, and sure enough, my X husband showed me who he was then, and still shows me who he is now, all through his own actions.
You can love someone from afar, because being close hurts is chaos in your own life. There is a time you have to focus on your own actions and decide what is best for YOU.
Tight hugs. We are here for you.
Words mean absolutely nothing. As you said, he denied, denied, denied. You had made rules, he had broken them. He lied about it. You started feeling crazy in the process.
Nothing but actions makes a difference, and honestly, he broke the "rule" the very next day!
I was not able to make any changes until I got this through my thick skull and actually started being a lot more quiet, watching more, and sure enough, my X husband showed me who he was then, and still shows me who he is now, all through his own actions.
You can love someone from afar, because being close hurts is chaos in your own life. There is a time you have to focus on your own actions and decide what is best for YOU.
Tight hugs. We are here for you.
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