New here - Looking for guidance
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think it’s smart to research alcoholism and addict behaviors and become familiar with that. When someone is consuming alcohol 4-5 nights a weeks or more on a regular basis there is never really a sober time because you are still talking to an alcohol soaked brain.
That is one of the hardest parts to accept that the person we are supposed to be partners with cannot fully participate in the relationship we wish to have with them.
Grief has 5 stages……
Denial……………..we say/think things like, the drinking isn’t that bad because he still gets up and goes to work every day. He only drinks on weekend! His moods are because of pressure from work, etc. etc.
Anger……………..they are not participating in the relationship, they don’t care, they are neglecting the family, they aren’t listening to our feelings, etc. etc.
Bargaining……….we talk to them, they response with words we want to hear. Words of promises of things that sound too good to be true but we are desperate to believe.
Depression……….we can’t live this way anymore, we are to afraid to leave to afraid to stay we are in a state of sadness and depression. Reality is knocking at our door but we don’t want to answer.
Acceptance……….We accept that we have no power over alcohol or other people and the only thing we can control is ourselves.
That is one of the hardest parts to accept that the person we are supposed to be partners with cannot fully participate in the relationship we wish to have with them.
Grief has 5 stages……
Denial……………..we say/think things like, the drinking isn’t that bad because he still gets up and goes to work every day. He only drinks on weekend! His moods are because of pressure from work, etc. etc.
Anger……………..they are not participating in the relationship, they don’t care, they are neglecting the family, they aren’t listening to our feelings, etc. etc.
Bargaining……….we talk to them, they response with words we want to hear. Words of promises of things that sound too good to be true but we are desperate to believe.
Depression……….we can’t live this way anymore, we are to afraid to leave to afraid to stay we are in a state of sadness and depression. Reality is knocking at our door but we don’t want to answer.
Acceptance……….We accept that we have no power over alcohol or other people and the only thing we can control is ourselves.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
Originally Posted by atalose 
I think it’s smart to research alcoholism and addict behaviors and become familiar with that. When someone is consuming alcohol 4-5 nights a weeks or more on a regular basis there is never really a sober time because you are still talking to an alcohol soaked brain.
That is one of the hardest parts to accept that the person we are supposed to be partners with cannot fully participate in the relationship we wish to have with them.
Grief has 5 stages……
Denial……………..we say/think things like, the drinking isn’t that bad because he still gets up and goes to work every day. He only drinks on weekend! His moods are because of pressure from work, etc. etc.
Anger……………..they are not participating in the relationship, they don’t care, they are neglecting the family, they aren’t listening to our feelings, etc. etc.
Bargaining……….we talk to them, they response with words we want to hear. Words of promises of things that sound too good to be true but we are desperate to believe.
Depression……….we can’t live this way anymore, we are to afraid to leave to afraid to stay we are in a state of sadness and depression. Reality is knocking at our door but we don’t want to answer.
Acceptance……….We accept that we have no power over alcohol or other people and the only thing we can control is ourselves.
That is one of the hardest parts to accept that the person we are supposed to be partners with cannot fully participate in the relationship we wish to have with them.
Grief has 5 stages……
Denial……………..we say/think things like, the drinking isn’t that bad because he still gets up and goes to work every day. He only drinks on weekend! His moods are because of pressure from work, etc. etc.
Anger……………..they are not participating in the relationship, they don’t care, they are neglecting the family, they aren’t listening to our feelings, etc. etc.
Bargaining……….we talk to them, they response with words we want to hear. Words of promises of things that sound too good to be true but we are desperate to believe.
Depression……….we can’t live this way anymore, we are to afraid to leave to afraid to stay we are in a state of sadness and depression. Reality is knocking at our door but we don’t want to answer.
Acceptance……….We accept that we have no power over alcohol or other people and the only thing we can control is ourselves.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
So sorry for what is happening in your life at present, but glad you are here and posting. The alanon meetings sound a great idea. And that book recommendation is a good un.
Just thought I'd share something I read about 'Wisdom' yesterday. I say the serenity prayer all lot, so feel like I'm always asking for this elusive thing called wisdom. Anyway, this is what I read...
Wisdom is the 'art of steering' through the battles and the blessings of life, and living skilfully in whatever conditions you find yourself. Wisdom, as Joyce Meyer says 'is choosing to do now what you will be happy with later on.'
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change (other people, places and things), the courage to change the things I can (me, and my actions and choices), and the wisdom (ability know and to choose what will make us happy in the long term) to carry it out.
Seems like you can't change him, and he doesn't seem willing to do the work that would help him to get sober and get well so that he can honour the vows he made to YOU when you married. But what we can do, is pray for that wisdom to understand what is likely to make us happy in the long run, and for the courage to do what we need to do to make that happen, rather than do what is easier to do now, or is based on wishful thinking or plans to change someone else or their behaviour (which is impossible).
I wish you all the best for this tricky time, and in making the decisions you need to make, and forming boundaries that will protect you emotionally, mentally, and possibly even physically. (For example, one of my boundaries is that I don't drive my partner anywhere when he's drunk, because he gets stroppy and critical, and it's too distracting for me to drive safely. If he wants to get drunk he needs to find his own way home, or not as the case may be.)
Prayers for you and your husband tonight.
BB
Just thought I'd share something I read about 'Wisdom' yesterday. I say the serenity prayer all lot, so feel like I'm always asking for this elusive thing called wisdom. Anyway, this is what I read...
Wisdom is the 'art of steering' through the battles and the blessings of life, and living skilfully in whatever conditions you find yourself. Wisdom, as Joyce Meyer says 'is choosing to do now what you will be happy with later on.'
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change (other people, places and things), the courage to change the things I can (me, and my actions and choices), and the wisdom (ability know and to choose what will make us happy in the long term) to carry it out.
Seems like you can't change him, and he doesn't seem willing to do the work that would help him to get sober and get well so that he can honour the vows he made to YOU when you married. But what we can do, is pray for that wisdom to understand what is likely to make us happy in the long run, and for the courage to do what we need to do to make that happen, rather than do what is easier to do now, or is based on wishful thinking or plans to change someone else or their behaviour (which is impossible).
I wish you all the best for this tricky time, and in making the decisions you need to make, and forming boundaries that will protect you emotionally, mentally, and possibly even physically. (For example, one of my boundaries is that I don't drive my partner anywhere when he's drunk, because he gets stroppy and critical, and it's too distracting for me to drive safely. If he wants to get drunk he needs to find his own way home, or not as the case may be.)
Prayers for you and your husband tonight.
BB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
I went to my first alanon meeting tonight! I feel so much relief from that one little meeting, let me tell you why!
Before the meeting, I grabbed dinner with my best friend. Between dinner and the meeting, I stopped by my house. My AH wasn't supposed to drink today, and hadn't all day. I knew what y'all had told me about his promises, but was still a tiny bit hopeful. When I got home, I noticed the vodka was at a substantially lower level than it had been when I left. He didn't expect me until after 9. I didn't discuss it, I put my leftovers in the fridge and left for the meeting.
I sat in the parking lot for 15 minutes, devastated. I know I shouldn't have been hopeful, but I was. I pulled myself and walked into the church and found my place in the meeting. I listened to the stories of other beautiful, strong women and learned about the 12 steps.
We spent the rest of the meeting on the first step. I connected a lot with this step. I grew up in a family with no addictions. I had no idea what life would be like with an addict. It's almost funny that I didn't recognize that my life was becoming so unmanageable until it was already in a state of complete chaos. The second part was being powerless to alcohol, which was pretty obvious to me since I just witnessed my AH break his promise.
The women were warm and inviting, and they all gave me a hug after I shared my story. Many told me they wished that they had found al-anon when they were my age. I'm so excited to have a safe space to work on myself with such a supportive group of women!!
Before the meeting, I grabbed dinner with my best friend. Between dinner and the meeting, I stopped by my house. My AH wasn't supposed to drink today, and hadn't all day. I knew what y'all had told me about his promises, but was still a tiny bit hopeful. When I got home, I noticed the vodka was at a substantially lower level than it had been when I left. He didn't expect me until after 9. I didn't discuss it, I put my leftovers in the fridge and left for the meeting.
I sat in the parking lot for 15 minutes, devastated. I know I shouldn't have been hopeful, but I was. I pulled myself and walked into the church and found my place in the meeting. I listened to the stories of other beautiful, strong women and learned about the 12 steps.
We spent the rest of the meeting on the first step. I connected a lot with this step. I grew up in a family with no addictions. I had no idea what life would be like with an addict. It's almost funny that I didn't recognize that my life was becoming so unmanageable until it was already in a state of complete chaos. The second part was being powerless to alcohol, which was pretty obvious to me since I just witnessed my AH break his promise.
The women were warm and inviting, and they all gave me a hug after I shared my story. Many told me they wished that they had found al-anon when they were my age. I'm so excited to have a safe space to work on myself with such a supportive group of women!!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,968
So glad to hear that your first meeting went well. Not everyone has this experience as all meetings are a bit different.
Also so sorry to hear that you AH is doing what is expected. Someday he may choose to abstain and seek recovery but you have no control over how, when nor if this will happen for him.
Courage to you as you start your own journey.
Also so sorry to hear that you AH is doing what is expected. Someday he may choose to abstain and seek recovery but you have no control over how, when nor if this will happen for him.
Courage to you as you start your own journey.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
It's funny, when I got home after the meeting, he seemed offended that I enjoyed the meeting. Whereas, before, he was extremely supportive of me going.
I think these meetings are going to bring me a lot of clarity. I'm excited to keep going and help myself find the parts of me that I've lost.
I think these meetings are going to bring me a lot of clarity. I'm excited to keep going and help myself find the parts of me that I've lost.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am glad you got a lot out of the meeting!
Expect him to become resentful. The better you take care of yourself, and the more he sees your attitude shift (and it will, keep going), the more he will resent your going. It just happens. Don't give in, keep going and keep taking good care of you!
Expect him to become resentful. The better you take care of yourself, and the more he sees your attitude shift (and it will, keep going), the more he will resent your going. It just happens. Don't give in, keep going and keep taking good care of you!
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: East Coast
Posts: 102
Exactly what hopeful4 said. Same thing happened/is happening to me. Stay strong and keep going for you. So happy to hear that you got so much out of the meeting.
And just like they said "keep coming back, if works if you work it!"
And just like they said "keep coming back, if works if you work it!"
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
That was really good you went to a meeting and even better that you feel like it’s the right place to be for you.
Always remember……….we can always have “hope” but hope is not a plan.
And it’s best NOT to even discuss your meeting with him. One of the things I’ve noticed over the years with newcomers to the meetings is that, there is still a part of them that is trying to manipulate and control the alcoholic. They want the alcoholic to see/hear that meetings are sooooo positive and helpful that they should give them a try. Usually not done consciously but deep down underneath the doing it for me, still lies a doing it for them motive.
The more you attend and the more you work on you the less you will be watching the contents of his vodka bottle. False hope is watching that vodka bottle contents and not seeing it go down much, then discovering it’s all water!!!
Always remember……….we can always have “hope” but hope is not a plan.
And it’s best NOT to even discuss your meeting with him. One of the things I’ve noticed over the years with newcomers to the meetings is that, there is still a part of them that is trying to manipulate and control the alcoholic. They want the alcoholic to see/hear that meetings are sooooo positive and helpful that they should give them a try. Usually not done consciously but deep down underneath the doing it for me, still lies a doing it for them motive.
The more you attend and the more you work on you the less you will be watching the contents of his vodka bottle. False hope is watching that vodka bottle contents and not seeing it go down much, then discovering it’s all water!!!
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
I really wasn't interested in discussing the meeting with him at all, I felt like it was a really personal thing and one of the few things that's *mine* and mine alone. He pushed and I gave him the bare minimum and just said that I really enjoyed it. I know he'll still be crabby about it, but it's about me, not him.
I'm planning a little getaway for myself and my friend to Seattle this summer, so I'm also really excited about that. I'm trying to do things for myself that make me happy and interested in life again.
I can't wait to go back to al-anon tonight!!!
I'm planning a little getaway for myself and my friend to Seattle this summer, so I'm also really excited about that. I'm trying to do things for myself that make me happy and interested in life again.
I can't wait to go back to al-anon tonight!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
It's not marriage that makes it easy or hard to leave, it's individuals that make it hard to leave. You could leave right now, file legal separation papers, and start the process of moving on/divorcing within 24 hours. I'm not suggesting you do, but pointing out that you could. One of THE most important things for you to do is be brutally honest with yourself in all regards so that you can make the best decisions for you-- start with being honest about what you do and don't do, and why. You could leave right now--right or wrong you choose not to, but you could leave right now.
C-
C-
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
I understand, I see it in a lot of my divorce clients. They made the decision and left, and I ask myself why I haven't. I worry about him, because I love him, and I worry about starting my life over without him. I've become codependent and unsure of myself in life. These are things that I'm working on to change, right now I'm trying to regain my confidence and sense of self before making any life changing decisions.
My second meeting with al-anon was not as fantastic as the first, there were a lot more people and it seemed more like a church sermon than a meeting of kindred hearts, but I stayed after to help clean up and made some really genuine connections. So while the meeting itself didn't seem to go well, I still took something positive from it.
My second meeting with al-anon was not as fantastic as the first, there were a lot more people and it seemed more like a church sermon than a meeting of kindred hearts, but I stayed after to help clean up and made some really genuine connections. So while the meeting itself didn't seem to go well, I still took something positive from it.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by SaveYourHeart
My second meeting with al-anon was not as fantastic as the first, there were a lot more people and it seemed more like a church sermon than a meeting of kindred hearts, but I stayed after to help clean up and made some really genuine connections. So while the meeting itself didn't seem to go well, I still took something positive from it.
You are really jumping in w/both feet, staying after to clean up and reaching out to make connections--w/that level of motivation, it's not surprising you're feeling better already! I'm so glad to hear that. Like they say, "it works if you work it."
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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I think the reason it's going so well so quickly for me is because I've been searching for these connections and answers for a while, but I've been looking in the wrong places. I'm desperate to hear stories and understand how these strong men and women are functioning in similar situations to mine.
Today is a struggle because I know my AH is drinking (it's his "drinking day") and I know that it's going to be a difficult evening when I get home from work. I've said the serenity prayer a couple of times today and am trying to be peaceful in myself. I felt physically lighter after my first meeting, so I'm trying to carry that lightness for the rest of the week.
Something we read did stick with me from last night's meeting. It was something about being in an airplane and looking out the window. Knowing that if you left anything at home, it was too late to worry, and anything awaiting you at the destination was too far away to care. That your only responsibility is to keep your seat belt buckled when the captain tells you to.
I loved that because it reminded me to live in the now and that a lot of things are out of my control, and no matter what I do, my only responsibility is that of myself.
Thank you guys for listening!! <3 I know a lot of what I'm saying/what I've said is something y'all hear all the time from newbies, but it's nice to be heard and feel like I have a little internet support group.
Today is a struggle because I know my AH is drinking (it's his "drinking day") and I know that it's going to be a difficult evening when I get home from work. I've said the serenity prayer a couple of times today and am trying to be peaceful in myself. I felt physically lighter after my first meeting, so I'm trying to carry that lightness for the rest of the week.
Something we read did stick with me from last night's meeting. It was something about being in an airplane and looking out the window. Knowing that if you left anything at home, it was too late to worry, and anything awaiting you at the destination was too far away to care. That your only responsibility is to keep your seat belt buckled when the captain tells you to.
I loved that because it reminded me to live in the now and that a lot of things are out of my control, and no matter what I do, my only responsibility is that of myself.
Thank you guys for listening!! <3 I know a lot of what I'm saying/what I've said is something y'all hear all the time from newbies, but it's nice to be heard and feel like I have a little internet support group.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Keep posting! That airplane analogy...good stuff! You are getting what it has take many of us years to get, and some of us are still not there!
Keep that focus on you, that's really important. When I initially came here years ago, I was looking for success stories about alcoholics that have changed, and how to get that to happen. Many, many years later, I realized why I was so frustrated with the answers I was getting. It took a LONG time to get that I had to focus on ME, and my children, that I don't have the power to change another human being.
Hugs to you! Thank you for sharing!
Keep that focus on you, that's really important. When I initially came here years ago, I was looking for success stories about alcoholics that have changed, and how to get that to happen. Many, many years later, I realized why I was so frustrated with the answers I was getting. It took a LONG time to get that I had to focus on ME, and my children, that I don't have the power to change another human being.
Hugs to you! Thank you for sharing!
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
Yesterday was hard 
I knew it was his drinking day and I tried to find my serenity but the committee in my head wasn't having it. He drank half of a bottle of vodka, shattered his phone, flipped the breakers in the house and passed out drunk at 6 p.m.
I knew that I shouldn't nag or show any emotions towards his drinking, but I did and instantly regretted it. He kept saying that this was what we agreed to, that I knew he was drinking today and why was it a problem. I removed myself from the situation and had coffee with a friend. When I came back, he was asleep and I set myself up in the guest room because I don't sleep with him when he's drunk.
Today I read through all of my newcomer pamphlets for al-anon and continued to try to find some peace for myself. I obviously need many more meetings and a lot more work on myself. Just feeling a little down and thought I'd share here instead of keeping it bottled inside and letting it loose on him.
I knew it was his drinking day and I tried to find my serenity but the committee in my head wasn't having it. He drank half of a bottle of vodka, shattered his phone, flipped the breakers in the house and passed out drunk at 6 p.m. I knew that I shouldn't nag or show any emotions towards his drinking, but I did and instantly regretted it. He kept saying that this was what we agreed to, that I knew he was drinking today and why was it a problem. I removed myself from the situation and had coffee with a friend. When I came back, he was asleep and I set myself up in the guest room because I don't sleep with him when he's drunk.
Today I read through all of my newcomer pamphlets for al-anon and continued to try to find some peace for myself. I obviously need many more meetings and a lot more work on myself. Just feeling a little down and thought I'd share here instead of keeping it bottled inside and letting it loose on him.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: East Coast
Posts: 102
SYH - getting away for some coffee and reading newcomer pamphlets were both great things to do. But re-read what you just described as your night last night. Don't you deserve better from a partner? Moderation is clearly not working (((hugs))))
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