I don't regret leaving, but I still feel like a dope.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 120
I don't regret leaving, but I still feel like a dope.
When I left AH 2 months ago, I told him that I didn't want a divorce. He was more concerned about me possibly being involved with another man than with his drinking and the living situation. I had to tell him at least 3 times that I wasn't seeing anyone and then I got mad that that's the main reason he'd think I'd leave him. As if he played no part in it.
We haven't talked on the phone in over a month. I don't know what that means, if anything. I'll never be satisfied, so why even pretend to give him another chance and then get mad at him all over again? I haven't filed for divorce, but I don't want to string him along either. Why give him false hope? I don't even miss him as much as I did 2 months ago. I am emotionally numb when it comes to him. I don't believe much he's said for a while.
I always tell people on SR to not be too hard on themselves, because I am trying to do the same thing. I beat myself up almost every day for getting so tangled up emotionally, lawfully, financially, you name it.
I don't have a question today. I guess I'll just say thanks for the support.
We haven't talked on the phone in over a month. I don't know what that means, if anything. I'll never be satisfied, so why even pretend to give him another chance and then get mad at him all over again? I haven't filed for divorce, but I don't want to string him along either. Why give him false hope? I don't even miss him as much as I did 2 months ago. I am emotionally numb when it comes to him. I don't believe much he's said for a while.
I always tell people on SR to not be too hard on themselves, because I am trying to do the same thing. I beat myself up almost every day for getting so tangled up emotionally, lawfully, financially, you name it.
I don't have a question today. I guess I'll just say thanks for the support.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
Going thru the same motions BP. Only part of my ordeal is I have to see the guy and communicate with him for my son. I swear, if I didn't have to do that, I would go No Contact and never look back, not even for a split second.
Sending you a hug. We made it to the other side BP.
Sending you a hug. We made it to the other side BP.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
BeachPlease, it might be good to think about the possible financial and/or legal repercussions of remaining married to an active A. As his wife, you may find you're responsible for debts he incurs. If he has an accident or gets busted for DUI, you may be on the hook for damages as well as having a giant hike in YOUR insurance rates, even though you didn't have the accident. If his drinking catches up w/him health-wise and he ends up in the hospital, you may be considered the "responsible party" who is paying for things.
Simply not living w/him is likely not going to keep you safe from his poor decisions. If you have some reason NOT to divorce, please at least look into legal separation to protect yourself. A consult w/a lawyer is often free; maybe check into things that way.
When I was on the point of filing for divorce w/XAH, I planned to do a "pro se" divorce--that's a divorce w/no lawyers, just the 2 divorcing parties who have agreed on how they are splitting things up and are basically going before a judge to make the agreement formal and legal. It involved only 1 court appearance. We were able to do this b/c we had no disagreements about who got what.
However, I got nervous about making a mistake in my filing that would delay things, and so I scheduled a free consult from a local family law lawyer. She was WONDERFUL--the info I received from her would have been well worth a full-price consult. I learned that a legal separation would protect me from debts XAH might run up but would still allow me to remain on his health insurance, a big plus b/c I had no benefits at the job I had then. She also offered to work "consult only" w/me on the separation, where I could call, email or visit if I had questions/problems and I would only be billed for the time spent on my question. My legal bill for things done this way ran to several hundred dollars, rather than multiple thousands.
She checked over my papers prior to filing, which gave me a lot of peace of mind, and everything went smoothly. I filed in late November of 2014 and by late March of 2015, we were legally separated. Three months after that, when it was apparent that XAH was indeed still drinking (there had been a shadow of a doubt before), PLUS I had just gotten a job w/benefits, we converted the separation to a divorce, accomplished by simply filing one more document w/the county court. A few days later, the divorce decree came in the mail.
From what I've read here, divorce law varies widely from state to state, so what I've described here may or may not be possible where you live, and a pro se separation/divorce may or may not be something you want to undertake anyway, based on a number of factors. What I really want to stress is for you to consider the impact it could have on YOUR life if your AH would run up significant debts, incur huge health care bills, have a car accident or otherwise get in major financial/legal hot water while he's married to you. A consult w/a family law lawyer might prove really helpful in clarifying your risks, so at least you're making an informed decision about what action to take or not take.
Simply not living w/him is likely not going to keep you safe from his poor decisions. If you have some reason NOT to divorce, please at least look into legal separation to protect yourself. A consult w/a lawyer is often free; maybe check into things that way.
When I was on the point of filing for divorce w/XAH, I planned to do a "pro se" divorce--that's a divorce w/no lawyers, just the 2 divorcing parties who have agreed on how they are splitting things up and are basically going before a judge to make the agreement formal and legal. It involved only 1 court appearance. We were able to do this b/c we had no disagreements about who got what.
However, I got nervous about making a mistake in my filing that would delay things, and so I scheduled a free consult from a local family law lawyer. She was WONDERFUL--the info I received from her would have been well worth a full-price consult. I learned that a legal separation would protect me from debts XAH might run up but would still allow me to remain on his health insurance, a big plus b/c I had no benefits at the job I had then. She also offered to work "consult only" w/me on the separation, where I could call, email or visit if I had questions/problems and I would only be billed for the time spent on my question. My legal bill for things done this way ran to several hundred dollars, rather than multiple thousands.
She checked over my papers prior to filing, which gave me a lot of peace of mind, and everything went smoothly. I filed in late November of 2014 and by late March of 2015, we were legally separated. Three months after that, when it was apparent that XAH was indeed still drinking (there had been a shadow of a doubt before), PLUS I had just gotten a job w/benefits, we converted the separation to a divorce, accomplished by simply filing one more document w/the county court. A few days later, the divorce decree came in the mail.
From what I've read here, divorce law varies widely from state to state, so what I've described here may or may not be possible where you live, and a pro se separation/divorce may or may not be something you want to undertake anyway, based on a number of factors. What I really want to stress is for you to consider the impact it could have on YOUR life if your AH would run up significant debts, incur huge health care bills, have a car accident or otherwise get in major financial/legal hot water while he's married to you. A consult w/a family law lawyer might prove really helpful in clarifying your risks, so at least you're making an informed decision about what action to take or not take.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 93
First, and foremost, protect yourself. Do consult a family law attorney to get information. Second, remember, you may be as sick as he is so you have healing to do as well. Don't do anything permanent based on emotion. Get a clear head before you act. Divorces are final and there are no winners just degrees of losing. You guys are on an addiction journey together and hopefully he gets the help he needs but until that time, focus on yourself and what you need to become healthy in mind, body and spirit. Because, if you don't, you will take this baggage into your next relationship and it will suffer too. Forgive yourself, start to love yourself again and get healthy. His recovery is up to him. Your recovery is up to you. You are bent a little, not broken. I believe that if I work on being the best version of me possible, people will come along with me for the journey. If they don't, that's okay too as I'm still in the best place possible. I can only control me, my actions, my healing. I can't control how other people feel but I can understand and validate that the feelings and pain they have are real.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
I second the notion that if you're not living together, you should at a minimum seek legal separation if it's possible in your state, to protect yourself financially.
I initially sought that but ended up changing it to a divorce pretty quickly as things became more clear--and a few weeks after it was final he was fired. Financially, his spiral began pretty quickly, and I'd have been on the hook for maintenance.
When someone is drinking you have NO control over their poor choices. (Well, actually, you never do anyway. The choices and consequences just get worse with drinking.)
I initially sought that but ended up changing it to a divorce pretty quickly as things became more clear--and a few weeks after it was final he was fired. Financially, his spiral began pretty quickly, and I'd have been on the hook for maintenance.
When someone is drinking you have NO control over their poor choices. (Well, actually, you never do anyway. The choices and consequences just get worse with drinking.)
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by BeachPlease 
Why give him false hope?
It takes months (up to more than a year) for a divorce to be finalized. You can always dismiss it if it turns out there is a good reason to. And even divorce isn't "final"--some people eventually reconcile and get remarried.
But right now, is there really any realistic prospect of having a real marriage?
Your life is waiting. I suggest you think about claiming it.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sometimes it feels like we're standing still but our subconscious minds are hard at work getting on with it.
What you told him when you left is irrelevant. What do YOU want now? Nobody wants to go through a divorce or be divorced. What they want is their lives back in their own hands and divorce is about the only way to make that happen.
I second the need to protect yourself now rather than later. Maybe you'll get lucky and he'll find a new enabler and he'll want out of the marriage ASAP but more likely he'll just go on making terrible decisions that could hurt your life as well as his. You're also coming up on a new tax year, so getting officially un-entangled early on makes pragmatic sense.
I know how hard it is to take that step but it's easier to do it than to think about it.
What you told him when you left is irrelevant. What do YOU want now? Nobody wants to go through a divorce or be divorced. What they want is their lives back in their own hands and divorce is about the only way to make that happen.
I second the need to protect yourself now rather than later. Maybe you'll get lucky and he'll find a new enabler and he'll want out of the marriage ASAP but more likely he'll just go on making terrible decisions that could hurt your life as well as his. You're also coming up on a new tax year, so getting officially un-entangled early on makes pragmatic sense.
I know how hard it is to take that step but it's easier to do it than to think about it.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
We haven't talked on the phone in over a month. I don't know what that means, if anything
Why give him false hope?
statement A doesn't mesh with statement B. he isn't exactly blowing up your phone begging you for one more chance..........is he? so who has the false hope here?
it's always best we investigate our own motives rather than surmise and ponder what THEIR motives are.
Why give him false hope?
statement A doesn't mesh with statement B. he isn't exactly blowing up your phone begging you for one more chance..........is he? so who has the false hope here?
it's always best we investigate our own motives rather than surmise and ponder what THEIR motives are.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
We haven't talked on the phone in over a month. I don't know what that means, if anything
Why give him false hope?
statement A doesn't mesh with statement B. he isn't exactly blowing up your phone begging you for one more chance..........is he? so who has the false hope here?
it's always best we investigate our own motives rather than surmise and ponder what THEIR motives are.
Why give him false hope?
statement A doesn't mesh with statement B. he isn't exactly blowing up your phone begging you for one more chance..........is he? so who has the false hope here?
it's always best we investigate our own motives rather than surmise and ponder what THEIR motives are.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
You're also coming up on a new tax year, so getting officially un-entangled early on makes pragmatic sense.
I know how hard it is to take that step but it's easier to do it than to think about it.
I know how hard it is to take that step but it's easier to do it than to think about it.
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