qtpi

I was going to ask does anyone else have an inner self that is greatly resistant to change? I suppose everyone is resistant to change, but I am amazed at some of the things I have been experiencing.

My FOO issues included hoarding. I still struggle with that but I went to a psychologist and learned to declutter and manage the anxiety. I was bringing a lot of clothes to Goodwill- hyperventilating the whole way. One day I packed up eight bathing suits that no longer fit- and I truly believed I brought them to Goodwill. Months later I found them hidden in the guest bedroom bureau- it was like my inner hoarder would not let me take them. They did eventually go to Goodwill but I was shocked and astounded that I had no memory of hiding them- away from me!

I have been journalling and the last week has been so incredibly helpful, and I have been pleased and surprised at the progress I am making- a lot of it revolves around not feeling guilt for things I have no business feeling guilty about. There is more, but the point is away from the journal, I just could not remember exactly what I had written and the revelations I had. I started worrying- am I getting Alzheimers? But when I read them, I realized these new insights are very threatening to the part of me that wants to keep feeling guilty. Now why would anyone want to keep feeling guilty you ask? I detected in me a need to be punished for wanting more than what life was offering me- for only wanting kind and loving people in my life- for actually enjoying life and all it has to offer. And I should feel bad for other people who don't have it so good. And I should tolerate poor behavior because after all noone is perfect. I know this is FOO and also tied to the religious upbringing I had.

And I could let my brain spin out of control with this sick, guilty way of thinking. I have been dressing very well- the best ever in my life- and growing up I was always made to feel guilty about that- because siblings didn't have it so good. I would earn money and buy nice things but they were taken away or given to my siblings by my parents- so I always had to hide anything good I had.

thousandwords53

I relate very much to this post. And have also been journaling and remembering so much both from early marriage to AH, FOO, and suppressed /minimized memories that are recent.

The hoarding is something in my family too, and I tend to be overly sentimental. Been decluttering and it does feel good. Things are just things. Anyways, I don't have a ton of helpful input, but I understand your story.

FeelingGreat

Hi qtpi your journal sounds like a valuable tool for analysing your behaviour as well as an emotional release. I'm glad to hear you're dressing well, because if you care about that sort of thing, which I do, it really cheers you up.
When I was unemployed for a time I started helping people declutter, not hoarders exactly, but definitely not minimalists. Everyone has something they own too many of. One lady must have had 20 black skirts, but I couldn't get her to donate any. She was fine with other stuff. You have bathers.
I have a pair of jeans which I will fit into one day.

Bekindalways

Love this post qtpi. It sounds like you are doing good hard work on yourself.

My guilt and shame come growing up in a family with too many children with a mother who didn't like being a mother. I want to be able to fix things but of course I can't.

Eauchiche

My own willingness to change only comes when it is less painful than remaining as I am.
Case in point. Just this morning I blocked any further e-mails from an old family friend of 45 years. I believe her to be a narcissist. I tried limiting contact, but she came around again trying to pick a fight.

BeachPlease

I can relate. I'm not resistant to abrupt changes at work, because I expect it there. However, I am very resistant to changes in my personal life. I never wanted to link it to how I grew up, but I can't deny my FOO affected me in certain ways. I was always shown love by the relative who raised me, but I struggled with worthiness because my mother was alive but didn't raise me and my brother. As a child, I simply thought she didn't want us, so I became a people pleaser. It's something I still struggle with and I'm sure a part of why I have these codependent ways. I have no advice. Sounds like you're doing great, so keep up the good work. I've been thinking of starting to journal again too. It really used to help me.

qtpi

I came from a large family and my mother was not a happy camper. Posting here has been therapeutic for me. I often denied myself some basic wants and needs. As a child in the winter, I was never warm enough. Today I bought myself a down coat and some boots I can actually wear in the snow. Something so simple and so basic- but it made me feel so good.

Maudcat

I can't say enough about journalling as therapy. I write in longhand. Tried doing it on the computer, but somehow the physical act of writing unlocks stuff in my brain. Lots of insight.

LexieCat

Attagirl on the boots & coat. I find when I do nice things for myself it makes me feel self-sufficient. I remember I used to feel resentful when family/friends let me down by not giving me what I needed. I give those things to MYSELF now, and it's made a big difference in my attitude on holidays/birthdays/etc.

Maudcat

Yep. Buy your own presents. That way you always get what you want.

carolineno

My inner self has definitely resisted confrontations ( which are often a neccesary part of change ) because my Dad was an alcoholic and a big, BIG yeller. His main ways of communication were yelling, dirty looks, and the belt. So I've always been afraid of making waves. When my STBXAH used to yell at me or give me the silent treatment, I got very confused and almost mentally paralyzed.

Journaling has definitely helped me in that I no longer feel crazy, and I no longer minimize things that have happened to me. I can go back and see that on this day I wrote this, it's right there and it did in fact happen. It has also helped me see relationship patterns and even anticipate possible bull-spit that STBXAH will serve up. Glad it is helping others too!

FeelingGreat

Once you've made the massive life-changing move of leaving your AH, other changes will follow. And you've done it against passive resistance of your family.
I can just picture you in your new boots and coat looking capable and warm.

Bekindalways

Resistant to change? Absolutely. Keep at it!

NYCDoglvr

Many people -- and not all addicts/codependents -- are resistant to change. At its root is fear so I suggest challenging that.