OT4Kids

ok, I am going to look online and see where there are al anon meetings

garnetwaters

Because disappearing is emotional abuse and it hurts as much and takes longer to heal than if they go off and hit you. It's all abuse. Throw in the verbal abuse you are also experiencing and you must be so pained and confused. Please think about what the others have said and try to get some support to free yourself. Please don't stay as long as I did. After my STBXAH last disappearing act in October, I finally filed for divorce. The three months since then without him in the house have been the best I've had in 15 years. You will not only be fine without him, you will be better.

Flavia2

Oh my gosh. I could have written your posts word for word. Please see this, from Why does he do that? (Lundy Bancroft):

“Objectification is a critical reason why an abuser tends to get worse over time. As his conscience adapts to one level of cruelty—he builds to the next. By depersonalizing his partner, the abuser protects himself from the natural human emotions of guilt and empathy, so that he can sleep at night with a clear conscience. He distances himself so far from her humanity that her feelings no longer count, or simply cease to exist.” (pg. 63)

amy55

Good for you OT !!!!!


I know what I needed the most was to be able to talk about things. Keeping things to myself and in my own head was making me "crazy". I was isolating myself, it's the worse thing that you can do. Getting out, going to al anon, coming here and talking, will help you the most.

Just remember, we are here for you.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

OT4Kids

He showed up in the middle of the night last night. He told a semi plausible story which I don't know for certain is true or not but I suspect at least part of it isn't. When I questioned him he twisted things around to make me sound like the "bad guy."

OT4Kids

What I know for sure is that he has broken my trust many times and then says he doesn't have to report to me, but won't acknowledge that his actions have made it impossible for me to trust him

Bekindalways

Irk OT. Please get to that Alanon meeting and start circling the wagons of support for yourself. This is so very difficult.

What you are describing is very typical of alcoholics and he will probably get worse. Please take care of yourself.

LexieCat

Oh, I can't WAIT to hear what kind of "plausible story" explains disappearing for two days and being unable to call so your loved one doesn't worry.

Get arrested, you're allowed to make a phone call. Wind up in the hospital, you call when you regain consciousness. Was he kidnapped? Suffering from amnesia that caused him to forget he has someone at home who is probably worried sick?

soberandhonest

Please, for the sake of your children and yourself, get out of this abusive and dangerous relationship. There is NO logical or sensible alternative decision here.

Ladybird579

He showed up in the middle of the night last night. He told a semi plausible story which I don't know for certain is true or not but I suspect at least part of it isn't. When I questioned him he twisted things around to make me sound like the "bad guy."

You aren't the bad guy. Time to get angry and stay angry until he is out of your and your children's lives. You can live without him...you already are doing. What does he do for you? Nothing that's what. He abuses you and brings you down. Spends your money and uses your home to sleep it off in after abusing you some more. How long before he starts on your kids? You are worth so much more than the life you have with him. I know it's scary. I started again at aged 53 after 20 years of marriage. I had nothing. Not even a place to live but got through it. I am happy now and content on my own. More importantly for me is my boys are happy too. They are out of all that crazy insanity. I wish I'd left sooner.

OT4Kids

This morning I tried to calmly and quietly tell him how hurt I am that he disappeared on me and that I am always anxious because I don't know when it will haopen again. He said it is because I just bitch and argue with him and he can't take my kids disrespecting him. So again, blaming me and blaming my kids

LexieCat

So much for the "plausible story." Look, this guy is treating you like crap. And, as you noted, blaming you and your kids. This WILL continue to happen.

I'd suggest getting as much support for yourself as you can, because you CAN live without him--and it's time to convince yourself that you can.

dandylion

OT4Kids.....He is controlled by his disease of alcoholism. It has power over him...but, you do not....
He looks at the world, and everything in it, through the filter of alcoholism...
You look at the world through the filter of your own reality...

He does not see what you see....He never will as long as alcoholism is his master....
You will always be the "bad guy"....even if you are Mother Theresa....

You need DETACHMENT. What will detachment do? It will allow you to stop expecting him to give you what he can't/won't. You will stop taking it personally when he makes you the "bad guy"...you will know that you aren't the bad guy and that he is just quacking. You will get enough emotional distance that you can regain some self confidence in yourself and you can take your own power back....you will stop feeling so powerless.....
You will learn that you don't have to JADE.....Justify yourself....Account for yourself...Defend yourself...Explain yourself.....
You will learn that just because he says something, it doesn't make it right!!

go to alanon and make an appointment with your own counselor...these would be really, really good first baby steps to take......

soberandhonest

This quote is from one of your earliest posts. The ONLY sensible thing that you can do is leave him. This man is abusive and dangerous. If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for your children. Tell your family. Ask them for help. Do it now before something tragic happens.

SparkleKitty

He has shown you who he is; it's high time you believe him.

atalose

He does not care how his behavior makes you feel or how anxious you get. You are still there waiting for him and accepting his “plausible” excuses for un-acceptable behavior, why should he change, he doesn’t have to.

What are you trying to hold onto here?

firebolt

You don't feel like you can live without him because you are sick. We've been there...we all thought we'd just die without them. That life wouldn't be worth living without them. That's a sick lie we tell ourselves to resist changing. Just like their sick voice tells them that drinking is ok for them.

Try and understand that you are wanting him to do all this hard work to change...we fixate on this fact to avoid doing the same amount of hard work for ourselves. He can't do it right now, no...he doesn't WANT to do it right now...can you do it for yourself? Do you want things to be different for yourself and your kids?

Cause if you do, YOU are the only one than can change it at this moment. Big, BIG hugs to you. Life can be simple, healthy and fun again...and you are in complete control of that. You deserve so much better than what you have with him right now. I hope you get to that meeting, you can't have enough support right now!

FeelingGreat

He's not listening and doesn't care. You pour out your feelings and all he hears is nanananananana. Your feelings aren't a priority for him.

OT4Kids

Yeah, he just cursed me out in my car as I drove him to work. I was saying I am behind on stuff at work and have not been feeling well (I have a chronic illness) and he said it is because I cater to my kids and they run me ragged. I told him it isn't my kids, that he causes me constant anxiety, that I have been walking on eggshells trying to keep him from getting upset and disappearing again...so he said he is sick of me playing martyr and told me f.... you and called me a b.... I guess it is true that I am getting less of anything positive from this relationship and more and more pain.

Ariesagain

Just start with this. How many things are wrong with this sentence?

Second...it's clear he hates and resents your children and this is to your face. What's he saying or doing to them when your back is turned?

Wishing you clarity and strength.