Need support
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
they say that relapses happen in the mind well before the body. while it seemed he was doing better, something inside him was still not right. what he did was inexcusable....understandable from the addiction side...but still inexcusable.
cut off the phone and the card NOW. he must face consequences. and trust me, you do not want to go looking for him at this point.
it concerns me that you feel the need to protect him.....to not talk to your own family and friends because of something he did. because they MIGHT suggest that a guy who takes off and spends the night at bars and strip clubs and god knows what else might not really be the guy for you???? that is something you are going to have to look at.
i've been with my other half for 14 years now and if he pulled a stunt like that his key would not work in the lock whenever he decided to roll back in. he'd be finding himself other accommodations.
cut off the phone and the card NOW. he must face consequences. and trust me, you do not want to go looking for him at this point.
it concerns me that you feel the need to protect him.....to not talk to your own family and friends because of something he did. because they MIGHT suggest that a guy who takes off and spends the night at bars and strip clubs and god knows what else might not really be the guy for you???? that is something you are going to have to look at.
i've been with my other half for 14 years now and if he pulled a stunt like that his key would not work in the lock whenever he decided to roll back in. he'd be finding himself other accommodations.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 166
Many, many of us have been in your shoes, and know you are not alone. You are trying to apply logical to a totally illogical situation. You are looking for reasons for why he is doing something destructive and nonsensical, because you are a rational person and would never think of doing something like what he's done. Unfortunately, the A's way of thinking is just radically different. They will pick up and drink just because. I have been in your place and the worry and fear are the most harrowing part of it. Please try to release this problem from your hands, just for now, a minute at a time. I absolutely agree with the others about cutting off your credit card asap. You don't need his problems becoming your headache. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I can't tell my family because they will tell me to leave him. I can't tell my friends because they have heard it all before.
What if you find him and he says he doesn't want to stop? Can you go on living the way you were before he sought recovery?
((((HUGS)))) to you - it is so painful, I know.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Seems to me that it's time for you to reach out to those people you don't want to reach out to. You have nothing to be ashamed of--he does. Do whatever you need to do to care for yourself and your kids. Sitting and stressing out by the phone and wearing out your knees on the carpet isn't helping either one of you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
OT4....I believe that he has been away at other times.....? If so...does he, typically, wait until you show up....?
I am guessing that he is probably ashamed that he drank, again, and finds it easier to stay in the inebriated state as long as he "can".
given that he has shown evidence that he is using the credit card......
I suggest that it would be best for you to stay as structured as you can (under the circumstances), and go about your daily duties for yourself and the kids.
Actually, from the way I l ook at it...it doesn't matter if you drag him home or wait foe him to crawl back, himself....it is the disease that he is battling...and, the future of his drinking or reaching for sobriety is still in his hands....and, YOU HAVE NO CONTROL over that....
A some others have suggested, it would be sooo beneficial for you to learn s m uch as you can about how alcoholism works.....Not so that you can control him---but, so that you understand what you are up against.
What ever you do....Please stay around and read and learn as much as you can....
Read the stickies at the top of the main page...above the threads.
Read "Under the influence".......
I do understand that you are suffering a great deal, right now.....
My heart goes out to you.....
In the big picture, you have to go on living....and doing the best thing for your own and your kid's welfare....
You need support, now, more than ever.....
I am guessing that he is probably ashamed that he drank, again, and finds it easier to stay in the inebriated state as long as he "can".
given that he has shown evidence that he is using the credit card......
I suggest that it would be best for you to stay as structured as you can (under the circumstances), and go about your daily duties for yourself and the kids.
Actually, from the way I l ook at it...it doesn't matter if you drag him home or wait foe him to crawl back, himself....it is the disease that he is battling...and, the future of his drinking or reaching for sobriety is still in his hands....and, YOU HAVE NO CONTROL over that....
A some others have suggested, it would be sooo beneficial for you to learn s m uch as you can about how alcoholism works.....Not so that you can control him---but, so that you understand what you are up against.
What ever you do....Please stay around and read and learn as much as you can....
Read the stickies at the top of the main page...above the threads.
Read "Under the influence".......
I do understand that you are suffering a great deal, right now.....
My heart goes out to you.....
In the big picture, you have to go on living....and doing the best thing for your own and your kid's welfare....
You need support, now, more than ever.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: Maryland
Posts: 379
He came home and said that there had been two triggers that set him off. Before I cut off my credit card he had already made hundreds of dollars in charges on alcohol. The first day back he said he was no good for me or anyone and that he didnt want to live anymore. The second day he acted like everything was normal and talked about us moving into the house I am buying next Friday. The third day when I tried to talk to him about how much it hurt me that he disappeared and used my credit card when he knows that I need money for my house he called me a bitch and told me to stop stressing him out and the past was in the past so I shouldn't nag him about his disappearance or anything that he does.
My heart is breaking.
My heart is breaking.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
OT, did you do like folks suggested and read up on what alcoholism is and how it works? Clearly this man is NOT concerned about you or your needs. You are a soft place to land and a supply of cash, to be used as he sees fit.
All that you'll get from staying w/him is more of the same pain. Please look into help for yourself and consider your next move. You are not married to him, so now is the time to get him out of your life, NOT after you're legally tied to him and have spent more time, money and heartache on someone who doesn't make you a priority.
All that you'll get from staying w/him is more of the same pain. Please look into help for yourself and consider your next move. You are not married to him, so now is the time to get him out of your life, NOT after you're legally tied to him and have spent more time, money and heartache on someone who doesn't make you a priority.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd strongly suggest moving WITHOUT him. Don't give him a key. Ever.
Alcoholics manipulate their way into your life, and once he's living there (even if it's your house and he has no lease and isn't on the mortgage), you are likely to have to go through formal eviction proceedings to get him out. If you don't ever let him move in you won't have to worry about how to get him out.
Actually, I'd go no contact entirely. And I think I'd get new credit cards issued while you're at it. This guy can bleed you dry in no time flat.
Alcoholics manipulate their way into your life, and once he's living there (even if it's your house and he has no lease and isn't on the mortgage), you are likely to have to go through formal eviction proceedings to get him out. If you don't ever let him move in you won't have to worry about how to get him out.
Actually, I'd go no contact entirely. And I think I'd get new credit cards issued while you're at it. This guy can bleed you dry in no time flat.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by OT4Kids 
He came home and said that there had been two triggers that set him off. Before I cut off my credit card he had already made hundreds of dollars in charges on alcohol. The first day back he said he was no good for me or anyone and that he didnt want to live anymore. The second day he acted like everything was normal and talked about us moving into the house I am buying next Friday. The third day when I tried to talk to him about how much it hurt me that he disappeared and used my credit card when he knows that I need money for my house he called me a bitch and told me to stop stressing him out and the past was in the past so I shouldn't nag him about his disappearance or anything that he does.
My heart is breaking.
My heart is breaking.
I would be VERY careful before sharing a home with him. Please get some counseling and go to some al-anon meetings. Give yourself some time and space to figure out what you can do for YOU. You can't really do anything for him. That's his job. Well, if you DO want to help him, the best thing is to help yourself. Kind of like the oxygen mask on an airplane. In the meantime, this is not your fault. At all. Worrying over him, like I did with mine, will make you sick, too. Please listen to the others here. Read the books they recommend. Go to meetings. If you have access to a therapist, go. It also helped me to read "Co-dependent no more" by Melody Beattie and "Why does he do that?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.
Good luck. Take care of yourself and remember that best thing you can do is let go of trying to save him and work on saving yourself. If he turns his life around, great, but you need to worry about you right now.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
OT....what he is doing is standard alcoholic behavior, by those who are under the control of the disease of alcoholism.
do learn about this disease that is controlling him.....
You will learn that the disease does not care one twit about you or your children. It does not care about your broken heart or your tears.
It does not care about him, either....
He is listening to the "alcoholic voice" that is whispering to him, from within his brain 24/7....Until he ever decides that he doesn't want to llive this way, anymore, and is willing to go to complete abstainence from alcohol and do whatever it takes to do that for the rest of his l ife.......there is no hope for your situation to change.
That could be years, or never...
The disease can destroy your life and that of your children who are also living this..just as much as it is destroying him.....
What do you want your life to look like? What do you want for your children?
These are questions that you have to ask yourself and decisions that you have to make...because, OT, he is not capable of it. He can't even take care of himself and his own welfare.....
do learn about this disease that is controlling him.....
You will learn that the disease does not care one twit about you or your children. It does not care about your broken heart or your tears.
It does not care about him, either....
He is listening to the "alcoholic voice" that is whispering to him, from within his brain 24/7....Until he ever decides that he doesn't want to llive this way, anymore, and is willing to go to complete abstainence from alcohol and do whatever it takes to do that for the rest of his l ife.......there is no hope for your situation to change.
That could be years, or never...
The disease can destroy your life and that of your children who are also living this..just as much as it is destroying him.....
What do you want your life to look like? What do you want for your children?
These are questions that you have to ask yourself and decisions that you have to make...because, OT, he is not capable of it. He can't even take care of himself and his own welfare.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,234
Find you an attorney, quietly by yourself or
get someone you trust, family member for
support, and get the ball rolling and papers
filed for separation/divorce.
Leave out as much communication with
him which also helps illuminate emotions
and harsh words that come with these
emotions at this time.
Let the attorneys take care of everything
between the two of you so there wont be
any confrontations between the 2 of you
and the separation/divorce can go smoothly
and less stressful.
After I moved home to Baton Rouge,
from Houston for a new job, we became
separated for the first time in our 25
yr. marriage.
I soon had my attorney draw up the
divorce papers and had them sent
and served to my spouse. We cut off
all phone communication between us
because I didn't want my emotions to
interfere with my decision and thus
help move the process along quickly
and stressless.
It was I who was in recovery and had
gone thru many personal positive
changes in my life but I was stuck
in a place needing to grow and I didn't
see it happening in my 25 yr marriage,
so it was time for me to move forwad
and I found that courage to do so.
For that I am truly grateful and
when the door of that time in my
life closed, another one was open
and was allowed to grow and mature
to become strong and free living
healthy, happy and honest in life
and recovery for 26 yrs.
get someone you trust, family member for
support, and get the ball rolling and papers
filed for separation/divorce.
Leave out as much communication with
him which also helps illuminate emotions
and harsh words that come with these
emotions at this time.
Let the attorneys take care of everything
between the two of you so there wont be
any confrontations between the 2 of you
and the separation/divorce can go smoothly
and less stressful.
After I moved home to Baton Rouge,
from Houston for a new job, we became
separated for the first time in our 25
yr. marriage.
I soon had my attorney draw up the
divorce papers and had them sent
and served to my spouse. We cut off
all phone communication between us
because I didn't want my emotions to
interfere with my decision and thus
help move the process along quickly
and stressless.
It was I who was in recovery and had
gone thru many personal positive
changes in my life but I was stuck
in a place needing to grow and I didn't
see it happening in my 25 yr marriage,
so it was time for me to move forwad
and I found that courage to do so.
For that I am truly grateful and
when the door of that time in my
life closed, another one was open
and was allowed to grow and mature
to become strong and free living
healthy, happy and honest in life
and recovery for 26 yrs.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
First I would cut off the credit card unless you want to buy him more drinks. Then, go to Alanon, which saved my sanity and taught me I'm powerless over the alcoholic and can only help myself. You can't understand it, I'm sure, but this is very common. Alcoholics frequently relapse.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
but you don't get that luxury. it is in your best interests to cut this guy off, all the way. he is using you and disrespecting you. you HAVE to take measures to protect your finances and your children's environment and well being.
he has shown his true colors. you get a snapshot of what you have to look forward to if you stay with him and allow him to move into YOUR house.
he has shown his true colors. you get a snapshot of what you have to look forward to if you stay with him and allow him to move into YOUR house.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
So he disappears for three days on a bender you financed...then calls you a bitch and says you're not allowed to be upset or question him? 
If you stay with him after that, it will only get worse. He has made his intentions quite clear...ironically, he's essentially set boundaries and is daring you to do anything about it. More disappearing acts, more binges, more disrespect...and your kids are watching. You know you love them too much to let them think this way of dealing with others is acceptable.
Move into your new house and leave him to it.
If you stay with him after that, it will only get worse. He has made his intentions quite clear...ironically, he's essentially set boundaries and is daring you to do anything about it. More disappearing acts, more binges, more disrespect...and your kids are watching. You know you love them too much to let them think this way of dealing with others is acceptable.
Move into your new house and leave him to it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
