Moving on and hoping Alcohlic Wife gets help
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It is truly amazing Sam. Addiction is such a powerful thing. I don't really believe it is a disease but much much worse. We don't have a word that is bad enough to describe this life, love and sanity killing condition so we use "disease".
My qualifier was a super bright student with tons of scholarships. He got into crystal meth and was eventually doing armed robbery to support his habit.
Knowing what I know about addiction, I look at homeless drunks with a certain amount of respect. Many, many of us could not overcome what they are dealing with.
My qualifier was a super bright student with tons of scholarships. He got into crystal meth and was eventually doing armed robbery to support his habit.
Knowing what I know about addiction, I look at homeless drunks with a certain amount of respect. Many, many of us could not overcome what they are dealing with.
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways 
It is truly amazing Sam. Addiction is such a powerful thing. I don't really believe it is a disease but much much worse. We don't have a word that is bad enough to describe this life, love and sanity killing condition so we use "disease".
My qualifier was a super bright student with tons of scholarships. He got into crystal meth and was eventually doing armed robbery to support his habit.
Knowing what I know about addiction, I look at homeless drunks with a certain amount of respect. Many, many of us could not overcome what they are dealing with.
My qualifier was a super bright student with tons of scholarships. He got into crystal meth and was eventually doing armed robbery to support his habit.
Knowing what I know about addiction, I look at homeless drunks with a certain amount of respect. Many, many of us could not overcome what they are dealing with.
The worst part is I see her regularly now. Thirty days sober she seems like she is back to her pre alcohol self (Even though I know its a much longer road to recovery). It's so hard to see this because it's who you fell in love with. I have seen the monster and it scares the hell out of me in marriage. A large part of me wants to love her again and forgive to continue our family. Ahhhhhh the emotions addicts put you thru.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Sam...Here is where I think that you have to be careful to keep your head in charge. Your heart can't be trusted in this matter.
Your head knows that the monster that you speak of is only one drink away for the alcoholic.
Your heart says..."the old person is back--everything will be o.k.".
the inside changes that will be necessary come form consistent and focused hard work....and it takes investment of time (about two years for early recovery) and energy....
Even if she doesn't know that--YOU know that.....
She may be putting a l ot of energy into putting her best foot forward, for you, right now. Remember, that she knows your bu ttons, quite well....
Just don't let it fake you out.....
I am not try ing to sound mean.....just very realistic....
Your head knows that the monster that you speak of is only one drink away for the alcoholic.
Your heart says..."the old person is back--everything will be o.k.".
the inside changes that will be necessary come form consistent and focused hard work....and it takes investment of time (about two years for early recovery) and energy....
Even if she doesn't know that--YOU know that.....
She may be putting a l ot of energy into putting her best foot forward, for you, right now. Remember, that she knows your bu ttons, quite well....
Just don't let it fake you out.....
I am not try ing to sound mean.....just very realistic....
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Join Date: Oct 2016
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Sam...Here is where I think that you have to be careful to keep your head in charge. Your heart can't be trusted in this matter.
Your head knows that the monster that you speak of is only one drink away for the alcoholic.
Your heart says..."the old person is back--everything will be o.k.".
the inside changes that will be necessary come form consistent and focused hard work....and it takes investment of time (about two years for early recovery) and energy....
Even if she doesn't know that--YOU know that.....
She may be putting a l ot of energy into putting her best foot forward, for you, right now. Remember, that she knows your bu ttons, quite well....
Just don't let it fake you out.....
I am not try ing to sound mean.....just very realistic....
Your head knows that the monster that you speak of is only one drink away for the alcoholic.
Your heart says..."the old person is back--everything will be o.k.".
the inside changes that will be necessary come form consistent and focused hard work....and it takes investment of time (about two years for early recovery) and energy....
Even if she doesn't know that--YOU know that.....
She may be putting a l ot of energy into putting her best foot forward, for you, right now. Remember, that she knows your bu ttons, quite well....
Just don't let it fake you out.....
I am not try ing to sound mean.....just very realistic....
Thank you dandylion,
It's so hard though with a child and 10 years together. I grew up with a normal leave it to beaver family....wanting a stable, strong family. She was my best friend for many of those years. My brain is telling me to go let her fight this battle and be supportive from a distance. My heart is saying maybe she could change. Ahhhhh LOL. My future tells me run like hell for bank accounts, liability and retirement.
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You can listen to all 3...as long as all 3 are putting you and your kids FIRST.
Our hearts don't do that so much...
Ans, there is nothing wrong with hoping she can change - from a distance.
You deserve better than what you got with her - much, MUCH better.
Our hearts don't do that so much...
Ans, there is nothing wrong with hoping she can change - from a distance.
You deserve better than what you got with her - much, MUCH better.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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I understand...very much....how you are feeling. I don't think that a single person, here will tell you that it is going to be easy....you will have to grieve the loss of the Norman Rockwell dream.....and, you will have to accept that things don't always go the way we wanted them to go.....
It won't be easy...no Maypole Dance....but, it is doable and you can do it.....
It won't be easy...no Maypole Dance....but, it is doable and you can do it.....
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Originally Posted by dandylion
I understand...very much....how you are feeling. I don't think that a single person, here will tell you that it is going to be easy....you will have to grieve the loss of the Norman Rockwell dream.....and, you will have to accept that things don't always go the way we wanted them to go.....
It won't be easy...no Maypole Dance....but, it is doable and you can do it.....
It won't be easy...no Maypole Dance....but, it is doable and you can do it.....
Its crazy because even 30 days into sobriety.....one min you feel like they are remorseful and love you. The next day they are cold and emotional. I'm trying my best to avoid the emotional roller coaster.
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sam....yes! That is often how it goes....
If you could look inside her head...you would see a cyclone of emotions going on.....
Just making it from day to day without picking up is probably as much as she can handle....
You both are struggling so much...that is why, at this juncture,,,you both need a lot of space from each other.......
If you could look inside her head...you would see a cyclone of emotions going on.....
Just making it from day to day without picking up is probably as much as she can handle....
You both are struggling so much...that is why, at this juncture,,,you both need a lot of space from each other.......
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Join Date: Oct 2016
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Originally Posted by dandylion
sam....yes! That is often how it goes....
If you could look inside her head...you would see a cyclone of emotions going on.....
Just making it from day to day without picking up is probably as much as she can handle....
You both are struggling so much...that is why, at this juncture,,,you both need a lot of space from each other.......
If you could look inside her head...you would see a cyclone of emotions going on.....
Just making it from day to day without picking up is probably as much as she can handle....
You both are struggling so much...that is why, at this juncture,,,you both need a lot of space from each other.......
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Join Date: Sep 2015
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Sam,
I don't blame you one bit for looking into her affair partner. Was there more than one? Seems like you posted about that before. Correct me if I'm wrong.
OK: A few ways to look at this; at what kind of person he is. If he was a stellar individual, you might feel even worse about her cheating; like, oh she's picked someone better than me (?) But the fact that he basically sounds like a loser....well, I don't know if that changes how you feel about it or not. It still hurts no matter what. But I can understand your need to know more about it. She is afterall, your wife.
But the fact that she would get involved with a guy like that would be setting off warning bells in my mind....like, perhaps that's totally out of character for her....who has she become....? Yikes. This must be really hard for you no matter how one were to look at it.
I second what others have said: Try to concentrate on you and your little girl.
I don't blame you one bit for looking into her affair partner. Was there more than one? Seems like you posted about that before. Correct me if I'm wrong.
OK: A few ways to look at this; at what kind of person he is. If he was a stellar individual, you might feel even worse about her cheating; like, oh she's picked someone better than me (?) But the fact that he basically sounds like a loser....well, I don't know if that changes how you feel about it or not. It still hurts no matter what. But I can understand your need to know more about it. She is afterall, your wife.
But the fact that she would get involved with a guy like that would be setting off warning bells in my mind....like, perhaps that's totally out of character for her....who has she become....? Yikes. This must be really hard for you no matter how one were to look at it.
I second what others have said: Try to concentrate on you and your little girl.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Time is your friend and more will be revealed.
Stay away from becoming enmeshed again.... 1 year sober a great milestone. If she makes it that far you might consider taking her to dinner.
Is she in counseling? Has a sponsor and doing the steps? In meetings?
Words fall to the ground ... Watch what she does. Her choices determine her destiny
Stay away from becoming enmeshed again.... 1 year sober a great milestone. If she makes it that far you might consider taking her to dinner.
Is she in counseling? Has a sponsor and doing the steps? In meetings?
Words fall to the ground ... Watch what she does. Her choices determine her destiny
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Join Date: Oct 2016
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Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
Sam,
I don't blame you one bit for looking into her affair partner. Was there more than one? Seems like you posted about that before. Correct me if I'm wrong.
OK: A few ways to look at this; at what kind of person he is. If he was a stellar individual, you might feel even worse about her cheating; like, oh she's picked someone better than me (?) But the fact that he basically sounds like a loser....well, I don't know if that changes how you feel about it or not. It still hurts no matter what. But I can understand your need to know more about it. She is afterall, your wife.
But the fact that she would get involved with a guy like that would be setting off warning bells in my mind....like, perhaps that's totally out of character for her....who has she become....? Yikes. This must be really hard for you no matter how one were to look at it.
I second what others have said: Try to concentrate on you and your little girl.
I don't blame you one bit for looking into her affair partner. Was there more than one? Seems like you posted about that before. Correct me if I'm wrong.
OK: A few ways to look at this; at what kind of person he is. If he was a stellar individual, you might feel even worse about her cheating; like, oh she's picked someone better than me (?) But the fact that he basically sounds like a loser....well, I don't know if that changes how you feel about it or not. It still hurts no matter what. But I can understand your need to know more about it. She is afterall, your wife.
But the fact that she would get involved with a guy like that would be setting off warning bells in my mind....like, perhaps that's totally out of character for her....who has she become....? Yikes. This must be really hard for you no matter how one were to look at it.
I second what others have said: Try to concentrate on you and your little girl.
Its crazy ..... its almost like as the addiction got worse she became bolder and riskier with her actions.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
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Originally Posted by Hopeworks
Time is your friend and more will be revealed.
Stay away from becoming enmeshed again.... 1 year sober a great milestone. If she makes it that far you might consider taking her to dinner.
Is she in counseling? Has a sponsor and doing the steps? In meetings?
Words fall to the ground ... Watch what she does. Her choices determine her destiny
Stay away from becoming enmeshed again.... 1 year sober a great milestone. If she makes it that far you might consider taking her to dinner.
Is she in counseling? Has a sponsor and doing the steps? In meetings?
Words fall to the ground ... Watch what she does. Her choices determine her destiny
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
I understand the guilt you feel for doing the right thing. There is nothing normal about your marriage as there was nothing normal about my alcohol and perscription drug riddled marriage. No matter how you or anyone else feel, protecting your child is your #1 job. Sometimes hope and guilt prevent us from doing what is right; I'm so glad in your case that isn't what is happening. Keep doing what you're doing. You KNOW the truth no matter what your AW and her enablers say or think. Hugs to you..this isn't easy.
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Best of luck Sam. So much good advice here but ultimately you must pick the apples that look good to you from the advice tree.
About her "dangerous" partner. I get it, saw it with my wife and her affair. She said she needed a charge when sober and danger was the charge. It too left her hollow like drinking. She ended up sleeping with my best friend. What could be more dangerous than sleeping with the guy your husband trusts the most. Then top it off by doing it when he and the kids are around. Yeah, it was ugly hearing about all of it but I too wanted to know everything.
For me to start to heal I had to know there were no more lies. I wanted all of the truth, no matter how badly it hurt. Was it a good move? I don't know, my brain is now seared with ugly images I still have trouble getting past 7 years later.
Some also mentioned sober she is trying to find herself. I see that in my wife. She is, and isn't the same person before the mess all started. She's jumped both feet into the deep end of her faith, so much it really feels there is no room in her life for her marriage, let alone trying to heal the wounds she caused with me. She said her faith is what keeps her sober. I just wonder if some day there is room in her life for me and our marriage.
I hope your wife finds healing and closure to her pain. I wish that for all recovering addicts. The addiction strips them of what they held to be their true self exposing a dark core to their being that is frightening. Some just keep to their addiction to avoid seeing this ugliness. Other find a way to heal. May she be one of the later.
Peace and goodwill to all of you this holiday season. Know we are each there for each other. I know this site has been my rock on days when I felt insecure.
About her "dangerous" partner. I get it, saw it with my wife and her affair. She said she needed a charge when sober and danger was the charge. It too left her hollow like drinking. She ended up sleeping with my best friend. What could be more dangerous than sleeping with the guy your husband trusts the most. Then top it off by doing it when he and the kids are around. Yeah, it was ugly hearing about all of it but I too wanted to know everything.
For me to start to heal I had to know there were no more lies. I wanted all of the truth, no matter how badly it hurt. Was it a good move? I don't know, my brain is now seared with ugly images I still have trouble getting past 7 years later.
Some also mentioned sober she is trying to find herself. I see that in my wife. She is, and isn't the same person before the mess all started. She's jumped both feet into the deep end of her faith, so much it really feels there is no room in her life for her marriage, let alone trying to heal the wounds she caused with me. She said her faith is what keeps her sober. I just wonder if some day there is room in her life for me and our marriage.
I hope your wife finds healing and closure to her pain. I wish that for all recovering addicts. The addiction strips them of what they held to be their true self exposing a dark core to their being that is frightening. Some just keep to their addiction to avoid seeing this ugliness. Other find a way to heal. May she be one of the later.
Peace and goodwill to all of you this holiday season. Know we are each there for each other. I know this site has been my rock on days when I felt insecure.
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Join Date: Oct 2016
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Hey everyone. I need some advice. We are getting later on in the divorce process. My wife has been sober for 30 days with no treatment or counselling. It's almost like she has compartmentalized the affair and severe alcoholism.....I'm very concerned she will drink once the court ordered period is complete. I'm very concern the relapse will almost be immediately. She is trying to act like we are best friends (going thru divorce).... this is the weirdest thing I have ever gone thru.
The pendulum and mood shifts are driving me nuts. I'm really wondering if she is bipolar....none of this is normal. It's almost like there is no remorse or guilt and she just wants to put it behind her and act like nothing ever happened. Just feels like she has put everything in this little box in the corner to hide it away.
The pendulum and mood shifts are driving me nuts. I'm really wondering if she is bipolar....none of this is normal. It's almost like there is no remorse or guilt and she just wants to put it behind her and act like nothing ever happened. Just feels like she has put everything in this little box in the corner to hide it away.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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If she is not in any kind of recovery program, there is a high probability she will relapse. My AH stayed sober for 7 months after a DUI. I was ecstatic! Sadly, once he started drinking again it only continued to get worse. Finally after a particularly horrible event at our house, he sought recovery in AA. We were separated for several months even while sober.
I would suggest treading very softly!
I would suggest treading very softly!
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She doesn't have to be bipolar to behave that way. It could very well just be another bit of denial going on. I'm not saying whether she is or isn't, just that it isn't necessary to explain the behavior you're seeing.
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Hey Sam, I would think time is on your side; more will be revealed.
It's a Jungian idea that the more you push some feeling/thought/habit away the more powerful it gets. I suppose this explains the kindling effect and suggests when she falls off the wagon it will be bad.
On the other hand . . . my qualifier, meth addict, never did a program, and as far as I know has been sober for 20 years. He did go to jail for 3 years. I asked him how he remained sober and he said three things: he had a work skill he could go back to as soon as he got out of jail; he had a faith and lastly he had kids who he was super bonded with that he didn't want to lose.
I don't know if this is the advice you had in mind. I suppose you could delay the divorce until after the court order is over and see what happens. It does seem unlikely that she will remain sober.
Courage and strength to you.
It's a Jungian idea that the more you push some feeling/thought/habit away the more powerful it gets. I suppose this explains the kindling effect and suggests when she falls off the wagon it will be bad.
On the other hand . . . my qualifier, meth addict, never did a program, and as far as I know has been sober for 20 years. He did go to jail for 3 years. I asked him how he remained sober and he said three things: he had a work skill he could go back to as soon as he got out of jail; he had a faith and lastly he had kids who he was super bonded with that he didn't want to lose.
I don't know if this is the advice you had in mind. I suppose you could delay the divorce until after the court order is over and see what happens. It does seem unlikely that she will remain sober.
Courage and strength to you.
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