Why can't I just let it all go?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 34
Why can't I just let it all go?
2 months into his sobriety and I feel like I am getting worse. I seem to be losing my mind. As background, he is a functional alcoholic, works steadily, not abusive. I often question whether I have anything to really complain about. This whole situation has me questioning so many things. I feel like he has not been a full partner in the past, frustrated by those things that just got pushed aside or forgotten, the fear for the future, the hurtful things said. But now that he is not drinking and he "feels great" I need to get over it.
If I bring up the past he gets mad, says there is nothing he can do about it. If I show concern for the future he says there are no garuntees. If I stay quiet he says that I am off and not the same and he can't take it. He says I just need to let it all go. Tonight we got into a fight about something and I ended up feeling crazy because I can't explain it was not the action that upset me but his lack of consideration. It was such a stupid argument and I know it, but it feels like 20 years of inconsiderate behavior just showed up.
I was/am angry because I want to just vent to him (I don't) about how his behavior for 20 years hurt me and that 2 months of not drinking does not make everything perfect. I know this is not productive and that irritates me too.
My marriage is falling apart before my eyes and I feel I am the cause. He quit drinking, that is what I wanted. Now I don't know what I want.
I am in counseling, he refuses to go for himself. We are going to couples counseling for the first time on Friday, although he says it is because I need it. Which he is not wrong, but I don't think it is only me and I am concerned that with that attitude we won't get far.
Am I losing my mind? Am I being crazy? Holding on to anger and fear that should be set aside? How do I do that? How do I do that instantaneously, without being "off"?
Sorry I know this is kind of a crazy, rambling post, but just had to get it out of my head.
If I bring up the past he gets mad, says there is nothing he can do about it. If I show concern for the future he says there are no garuntees. If I stay quiet he says that I am off and not the same and he can't take it. He says I just need to let it all go. Tonight we got into a fight about something and I ended up feeling crazy because I can't explain it was not the action that upset me but his lack of consideration. It was such a stupid argument and I know it, but it feels like 20 years of inconsiderate behavior just showed up.
I was/am angry because I want to just vent to him (I don't) about how his behavior for 20 years hurt me and that 2 months of not drinking does not make everything perfect. I know this is not productive and that irritates me too.
My marriage is falling apart before my eyes and I feel I am the cause. He quit drinking, that is what I wanted. Now I don't know what I want.
I am in counseling, he refuses to go for himself. We are going to couples counseling for the first time on Friday, although he says it is because I need it. Which he is not wrong, but I don't think it is only me and I am concerned that with that attitude we won't get far.
Am I losing my mind? Am I being crazy? Holding on to anger and fear that should be set aside? How do I do that? How do I do that instantaneously, without being "off"?
Sorry I know this is kind of a crazy, rambling post, but just had to get it out of my head.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Fleeing Temptation in PTZ
Posts: 168
Good counseling should be very helpful.
I'd try to be very introspective and thoughtful then. Trying to understand and learn of what 'we' can't seem to realize.
Speaking softly and seldom. Never overwhelmed with just emotions. Or reacting with non-stop 'more of the same routines'.
Then I'd spend much time apart thinking of what really happened.
Best wishes
I'd try to be very introspective and thoughtful then. Trying to understand and learn of what 'we' can't seem to realize.
Speaking softly and seldom. Never overwhelmed with just emotions. Or reacting with non-stop 'more of the same routines'.
Then I'd spend much time apart thinking of what really happened.
Best wishes
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 556
Jjn, i hear you. I was very much on a similar position 10 years ago when my husband quit drinking.
I had gone through 25 tumultuous years; was heavy with resentment, anger and distrust.
I dont know how we made it through those years, save for, God working in our lives.
If you have any faith in a HP, hold onto that.
I can honestly say I am happy, finally after 35 years.
My husbamd is a changed man; but I too, am a work in progress
I had gone through 25 tumultuous years; was heavy with resentment, anger and distrust.
I dont know how we made it through those years, save for, God working in our lives.
If you have any faith in a HP, hold onto that.
I can honestly say I am happy, finally after 35 years.
My husbamd is a changed man; but I too, am a work in progress
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jj.......I have the impression that you exist without feeling seen or heard. Without feeling that you matter. That your feelings and pain matter.
For 20 years!? What a bummer......
You say that you feel that you are the cause of your marriage falling apart.....
How is that? Don't you believe that it takes two people to make a marriage work?
When a person has been hurt by another...the person who does the hurting does not get the privilege of judging the degree of the victim's pain...nor do they get to say when the pain will or should stop.
In addition....and this is a big concept....one can't look to the person who has hurt you to heal you. (although I think that most of us fall into that trap).
In other news...at 2 months, most alcoholics aren't hardly able to get from hour to hour...or day to day...without their old friend, alcohol that helped them cope with every emotion. Like a newborn colt learning to walk on thin and wobbly legs.
So many people say that it is as hard or even harder to navigate a relationship in early recovery than, even, the drinking period. All of the hope and dreams and disappointments and hurts are swept under the rug in the co-dependent denial...waiting for the advent of sobriety to make life happy and whole again.
But, when the day of reckoning comes....it all comes tumbling out in an avalanche.
It is written that more marriages, that hung on during a long period of heavy drinking....fall apart AFTER the alcoholic quits drinking.....who knew!?
The early recovery period is considered by many to be the first two years.....
You have every right to make any decision that you want to for your own well being. Your own well being. Your decisions should be your own...and, not what is acceptable to those around you. You are the only one who lives in your own skin.
I could be wrong, but, I think I hear a desperation, in your voice, to preserve the marriage.....
I will say this to you....You can't be happy in any relationship unless you are happy within your self. You can not be happy living second class to anyone.
For the immediate future....I wo uld say that you could benefit from detaching from the conflict...placing a whole lot of space......
Devoting your time to working on yourself...Your identity, your self esteem, your self confidence. Coming out of the FOG...F--fear O--obligation G--guilt.
You are not lo sing your mind, and you are not crazy. Your emotions are real.
For 20 years!? What a bummer......
You say that you feel that you are the cause of your marriage falling apart.....
How is that? Don't you believe that it takes two people to make a marriage work?
When a person has been hurt by another...the person who does the hurting does not get the privilege of judging the degree of the victim's pain...nor do they get to say when the pain will or should stop.
In addition....and this is a big concept....one can't look to the person who has hurt you to heal you. (although I think that most of us fall into that trap).
In other news...at 2 months, most alcoholics aren't hardly able to get from hour to hour...or day to day...without their old friend, alcohol that helped them cope with every emotion. Like a newborn colt learning to walk on thin and wobbly legs.
So many people say that it is as hard or even harder to navigate a relationship in early recovery than, even, the drinking period. All of the hope and dreams and disappointments and hurts are swept under the rug in the co-dependent denial...waiting for the advent of sobriety to make life happy and whole again.
But, when the day of reckoning comes....it all comes tumbling out in an avalanche.
It is written that more marriages, that hung on during a long period of heavy drinking....fall apart AFTER the alcoholic quits drinking.....who knew!?
The early recovery period is considered by many to be the first two years.....
You have every right to make any decision that you want to for your own well being. Your own well being. Your decisions should be your own...and, not what is acceptable to those around you. You are the only one who lives in your own skin.
I could be wrong, but, I think I hear a desperation, in your voice, to preserve the marriage.....
I will say this to you....You can't be happy in any relationship unless you are happy within your self. You can not be happy living second class to anyone.
For the immediate future....I wo uld say that you could benefit from detaching from the conflict...placing a whole lot of space......
Devoting your time to working on yourself...Your identity, your self esteem, your self confidence. Coming out of the FOG...F--fear O--obligation G--guilt.
You are not lo sing your mind, and you are not crazy. Your emotions are real.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hmmmmm. If he's telling you he feels 'great' after just 2 months sober, I suspect that he could be whitewashing things a bit. Is he actually working some kind of recovery program? If he is using AA or other 12-step program perhaps you will hopefully see some kind of amends eventually, once he's become ready to take inventory (for me, I was nowhere close to brave enough for that at a couple of months sober).
As far as letting stuff go, (resentments and harms that other people have done to us) so that you can feel better, I think the trick is to stop thinking (initially at least) of this as forgiving and forgetting. Letting it go is different to that. I needed to make a decision that I wanted to feel better, and really recognise that holding onto it only served to punish me myself. Holding onto resentments is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. When we churn ourselves up with anger, the person we're angry with often remains unaffected by what's going on in us. Going over resentments is just putting ourselves through the same pain again and again that we sufferers when it was done once. The perpetrator is guilty of the one time they did the said harm. But we can then self-harm with the same event over and over and over. Like them stabbing us once, and us spending years stabbing ourselves in the same spot to remind ourselves what it felt like.
It is hard to break the cycle though. For me, childhood memories especially were played and replayed. That record never seemed to wear out. Until I decided I deserved better, and resolved to stop playing it. Not because I had forgiven or forgotten but because I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be free of all that anger and fear. And if those thoughts pop in my head again I ask myself "Berry. Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?" And given the choice I'll take 'happy'.
I found that reading and finding out about codependency really helped me to find the willingness to let the stuff go. Especially some recovery of the inner child work that I did (I think that was from a Penny Parks book), but that might not be so helpful to you if you came from a less disfunctional background and experiences.
Sorry if this sounds a bit waffley. I've got a bit of a head cold and my thinking isn't up to normal muster at the moment.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
As far as letting stuff go, (resentments and harms that other people have done to us) so that you can feel better, I think the trick is to stop thinking (initially at least) of this as forgiving and forgetting. Letting it go is different to that. I needed to make a decision that I wanted to feel better, and really recognise that holding onto it only served to punish me myself. Holding onto resentments is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. When we churn ourselves up with anger, the person we're angry with often remains unaffected by what's going on in us. Going over resentments is just putting ourselves through the same pain again and again that we sufferers when it was done once. The perpetrator is guilty of the one time they did the said harm. But we can then self-harm with the same event over and over and over. Like them stabbing us once, and us spending years stabbing ourselves in the same spot to remind ourselves what it felt like.
It is hard to break the cycle though. For me, childhood memories especially were played and replayed. That record never seemed to wear out. Until I decided I deserved better, and resolved to stop playing it. Not because I had forgiven or forgotten but because I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be free of all that anger and fear. And if those thoughts pop in my head again I ask myself "Berry. Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?" And given the choice I'll take 'happy'.
I found that reading and finding out about codependency really helped me to find the willingness to let the stuff go. Especially some recovery of the inner child work that I did (I think that was from a Penny Parks book), but that might not be so helpful to you if you came from a less disfunctional background and experiences.
Sorry if this sounds a bit waffley. I've got a bit of a head cold and my thinking isn't up to normal muster at the moment.
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Jj,
I am sorry for your pain. You waited forever for him to stop drinking, now that he has you still are not happy. Ugh!! This is so common. Just like he should work a program for his sobriety, you also need to work one for your sanity. What you have gone through over the years is well embedded in your sole, it can not be tossed out like it never happened. You need to own it, he needs to own it and you both need to work through it if your marriage is to survive.
If he goes into therapy with the attitude that you need help and he doesn't, I hope you continue to get the help you need. This is no longer about saving him, you have been put on the back burner long enough. Work on your recovery, and take care of you. If your marriage is going to survive this, you need to be the best person inside and out, that you can be. Hugs jj, keep venting my friend, we r here for you.
I am sorry for your pain. You waited forever for him to stop drinking, now that he has you still are not happy. Ugh!! This is so common. Just like he should work a program for his sobriety, you also need to work one for your sanity. What you have gone through over the years is well embedded in your sole, it can not be tossed out like it never happened. You need to own it, he needs to own it and you both need to work through it if your marriage is to survive.
If he goes into therapy with the attitude that you need help and he doesn't, I hope you continue to get the help you need. This is no longer about saving him, you have been put on the back burner long enough. Work on your recovery, and take care of you. If your marriage is going to survive this, you need to be the best person inside and out, that you can be. Hugs jj, keep venting my friend, we r here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Doesn’t really sound like he’s working a recovery program but more like just abstaining from the alcohol.
Someone in real recovery would never tell their loved one to “just get over it” “let it go” and discount their feelings like your husband is doing to you.
Maybe the booze had nothing to do with the 20 years of inconsiderate behaviors. Maybe he’s just that way.
I once heard this in al-anon……if he wasn’t a piano player before getting sober he’s not going to be one now.
Someone in real recovery would never tell their loved one to “just get over it” “let it go” and discount their feelings like your husband is doing to you.
Maybe the booze had nothing to do with the 20 years of inconsiderate behaviors. Maybe he’s just that way.
I once heard this in al-anon……if he wasn’t a piano player before getting sober he’s not going to be one now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Agree with all of the thoughtful posts given, jj. Feel your feelings, then do what you have to do to come to terms with them for, hopefully, a more serene view and life. Therapy, Al-Anon. Whatever can help. Peace.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I agree - at 2 months I was only starting to really sort out my feelings & resentments. I was only just starting to have room/time to be able to even think about my side of things. Prior to that, life had been revolving around him in one way or another for years. Fight/flight/freeze; rinse, repeat.
After years of his antics & bad behaviors it was completely unreasonable of RAH to expect me to just "let it go" like some blue fairy Disney princess... but he did expect it. (he also struggled with the idea that I had anything to recover from - he considered this all his problem that would simply stop when the alcohol intake did)
I was still connecting dots & having a lot of Aha! moments as I learned more & more about addiction & codependency so it was impossible to let go of things I hadn't even learned to define yet. From his side, he was trying to avoid the shame of facing his past behaviors & the work involved in fixing the damage. He essentially wanted me to forget about things so he could avoid the reality of it from my perspective.
To be fair & to play devil's advocate a bit - no matter how much I couldn't see it at the time, he was probably completely incapable of much more than that during that early recovery period. It was months before his brain & body detoxed enough to bring him to a "zero point" where he could begin to heal. This was when I wished we could separate for a short time because I needed to remove myself from the roller coaster of his emotional grid which was rapidly changing as his body chemistry learned to exist without alcohol.... and sometimes I needed to vent off a lot of anger & fear & resentment as it bubbled up over the course of my recovery. We were not in a position to help each other, as I've said here before - we may have been facing the same problem but our solutions were very, very different.
After years of his antics & bad behaviors it was completely unreasonable of RAH to expect me to just "let it go" like some blue fairy Disney princess... but he did expect it. (he also struggled with the idea that I had anything to recover from - he considered this all his problem that would simply stop when the alcohol intake did)
I was still connecting dots & having a lot of Aha! moments as I learned more & more about addiction & codependency so it was impossible to let go of things I hadn't even learned to define yet. From his side, he was trying to avoid the shame of facing his past behaviors & the work involved in fixing the damage. He essentially wanted me to forget about things so he could avoid the reality of it from my perspective.
To be fair & to play devil's advocate a bit - no matter how much I couldn't see it at the time, he was probably completely incapable of much more than that during that early recovery period. It was months before his brain & body detoxed enough to bring him to a "zero point" where he could begin to heal. This was when I wished we could separate for a short time because I needed to remove myself from the roller coaster of his emotional grid which was rapidly changing as his body chemistry learned to exist without alcohol.... and sometimes I needed to vent off a lot of anger & fear & resentment as it bubbled up over the course of my recovery. We were not in a position to help each other, as I've said here before - we may have been facing the same problem but our solutions were very, very different.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 62
Write him a letter and include all your points.
Make sure you vent clearly and concisely and get it ALL out!
Then don't give it to him.
Save it for yourself.
Sit on it for a while and go back and read it and think it over again.
Make sure you vent clearly and concisely and get it ALL out!
Then don't give it to him.
Save it for yourself.
Sit on it for a while and go back and read it and think it over again.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
