New to this whole thing
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Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 1
New to this whole thing
Well, I spent many years as a professional therapist, although never with much substance abuse knowledge. I have recently met and fallen in love with a wonderful women who has been sober for 24 years, and is very active in maintaining her recovery through AA meetings and other activities.
I am looking for any advice on how to deal with the various reactions I have had since we began our relationship. For example, she acknowledges that she gets into very dark moods at times, with ruminations and other "bad thoughts." While she states (and I believe) that she has no desire to ever drink again, doesn't miss it, etc.) during her "dark" times she withdraws from me. I believe she feels that her thoughts or feelings are unacceptable, and doesn't want me to see her that way. Usually the moods subside in a day or so, and often after she attends an AA meeting or connects with another recovering alcoholic friend.
I have no real problem with this, although my natural tendency is to be supportive and ask if I can help lift her out of her mood, which I am learning is not really that helpful at all. In fact, I'm getting the feeling that it's best to leave her be and let her do what she needs to do, and just be there if and when she is ready to engage again.
So while things are going quite well with us, I do feel somewhat at the mercy of these moods, etc. And there are some other things that are a problem, in that I don't really want to hear about her exploits when she drank, other than to acknowledge any painful experiences she may have had, etc. The one time she started to tell me a story about a drunken party and something that I felt was rather cruel, I became very uncomfortable and told her so. She apologized quickly and said she needed to be more considerate. So I guess that was the correct way to handle that. But I don't want to make her feel that I don't accept her past, because after all, it is the past, and whatever baggage she may have, well, even non-alcoholics have baggage, too.
Sometimes I wonder if it is a mistake for a non-alcoholic (she calls me "normal" even though I have my own issues, too) to fall in love with an alcoholic--because I cannot and will never understand what she has been through and how she has to battle her disease each and every day. I can only relate it to my own desire to try and battle my own internal issues...but then again, I'm "normal" and therefore I'm not sure I can compete with the issues she has had to face. Not to mention that she is dedicated to the 12 steps and often talks about them. I understand this is her faith and a necessary part of recovery, but I'm reluctant to get too involved in it, myself, and I wonder if this is going to hurt us in the long run. I really don't want to go to meetings (I might consider al-anon, however), I'm not that social a person, and I love her for who she is, not for what she has done or not done in the past, and not because she is in AA.
Any feedback for this brand new member who is 65 years old (she is 63) and not that eager to change is welcome. Advice is fine. You can be honest, even if it's painful for me to hear. Or, if you think I'm handling things ok, that would be great to know, too. Alcoholism does not run in my family, and only a couple of my friends are recovering alcoholics, and I'm not super close with them. I do have some knowledge and experience with mental health issues, my own and others as well. But nothing like this in my normal frame of reference.
Thanks to all for any support you can give, and I will try and do the same.
I am looking for any advice on how to deal with the various reactions I have had since we began our relationship. For example, she acknowledges that she gets into very dark moods at times, with ruminations and other "bad thoughts." While she states (and I believe) that she has no desire to ever drink again, doesn't miss it, etc.) during her "dark" times she withdraws from me. I believe she feels that her thoughts or feelings are unacceptable, and doesn't want me to see her that way. Usually the moods subside in a day or so, and often after she attends an AA meeting or connects with another recovering alcoholic friend.
I have no real problem with this, although my natural tendency is to be supportive and ask if I can help lift her out of her mood, which I am learning is not really that helpful at all. In fact, I'm getting the feeling that it's best to leave her be and let her do what she needs to do, and just be there if and when she is ready to engage again.
So while things are going quite well with us, I do feel somewhat at the mercy of these moods, etc. And there are some other things that are a problem, in that I don't really want to hear about her exploits when she drank, other than to acknowledge any painful experiences she may have had, etc. The one time she started to tell me a story about a drunken party and something that I felt was rather cruel, I became very uncomfortable and told her so. She apologized quickly and said she needed to be more considerate. So I guess that was the correct way to handle that. But I don't want to make her feel that I don't accept her past, because after all, it is the past, and whatever baggage she may have, well, even non-alcoholics have baggage, too.
Sometimes I wonder if it is a mistake for a non-alcoholic (she calls me "normal" even though I have my own issues, too) to fall in love with an alcoholic--because I cannot and will never understand what she has been through and how she has to battle her disease each and every day. I can only relate it to my own desire to try and battle my own internal issues...but then again, I'm "normal" and therefore I'm not sure I can compete with the issues she has had to face. Not to mention that she is dedicated to the 12 steps and often talks about them. I understand this is her faith and a necessary part of recovery, but I'm reluctant to get too involved in it, myself, and I wonder if this is going to hurt us in the long run. I really don't want to go to meetings (I might consider al-anon, however), I'm not that social a person, and I love her for who she is, not for what she has done or not done in the past, and not because she is in AA.
Any feedback for this brand new member who is 65 years old (she is 63) and not that eager to change is welcome. Advice is fine. You can be honest, even if it's painful for me to hear. Or, if you think I'm handling things ok, that would be great to know, too. Alcoholism does not run in my family, and only a couple of my friends are recovering alcoholics, and I'm not super close with them. I do have some knowledge and experience with mental health issues, my own and others as well. But nothing like this in my normal frame of reference.
Thanks to all for any support you can give, and I will try and do the same.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well, if you are going to continue to see her you'll have to take her as she is.
I mean, it's not a lot different from any 65 and 63 year old meeting and dating. There is some water under both of your bridges. I don't think you need to be completely immersed in her world any more than she needs to take on your issues. You either like each other enough to continue - or you don't. I doubt she's still "battling it" 24 years into sobriety. AA is a group that likes to stick together in the name of helping newcomers, so there's that. Maybe read the AA Big Book. It's pretty harmless.
There will likely be social events she would like you to attend that are AA based, as that happens quite a bit. There will be some of her AA acquaintances you will like and some you won't, just like any other social group. It is a definite lifestyle for some people - is that your concern? If so, as they say in AA, "One day at a time."
That works well for all of us.
Enjoy!
I mean, it's not a lot different from any 65 and 63 year old meeting and dating. There is some water under both of your bridges. I don't think you need to be completely immersed in her world any more than she needs to take on your issues. You either like each other enough to continue - or you don't. I doubt she's still "battling it" 24 years into sobriety. AA is a group that likes to stick together in the name of helping newcomers, so there's that. Maybe read the AA Big Book. It's pretty harmless.
There will likely be social events she would like you to attend that are AA based, as that happens quite a bit. There will be some of her AA acquaintances you will like and some you won't, just like any other social group. It is a definite lifestyle for some people - is that your concern? If so, as they say in AA, "One day at a time."
That works well for all of us.
Enjoy!
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