letitend

I am having a hard time accepting that my xA has begun to rapidly check-out on his responsibilities as a Dad. It is part of my ‘dream’, I suppose, that is dying. I did not imagine that he would so readily stand up the son he proclaims to love so much. It breaks my heart to know that he may get further and further away from showing my child consistent, responsible love.

I have been separated from the xA now for a little over a month. He moved out of our house on September 15th, 2016. The 1st two weekends he took him with a few minor adjustments. Namely me being ready to drop him off ‘on time’ according to the time he specified, and me having to adjust to a later time during the day due to his job.
This last weekend, he didn’t see him at all. He talked to him for about 2 minutes during the entire week. The weekend before, he saw him on Sunday and took him for about 5 hours. This is breaking my heart for my son. I cannot understand how a person can go with living with their own flesh and blood for 6.5 years and then just flaking out on them so quickly. I know he has a new girlfriend. I dated some the last time we split and I know it can seem exciting to hang out with a new person. However, I never neglected my responsibilities as a parent to do so. In fact, my xA stalked me, incessantly texted me, did drive-bys on my apartment and called me names when I was dating previously. I had to cancel or abort many dates because of the fact that he would begin drunk texting me. If he had my son, I would immediately stop what I was doing and go pick him up. So, I cannot understand how a parent can put another person before their kid. And yet, it seems he is doing this.
I am getting anxious about his quick retreat for many reasons. I am having nightmares about him and his mother. The reasons for my anxiety are 1. I think they will still want full access when it is convenient for them. I don’t know how to deal with this. 2. I think the xA will blame me for his irresponsibility. He does this fairly often with life. I know how to deal with this in that I am keeping a daily contact log in the event that he tries to go to court for custody. I do not think he is responsible enough to do that, but I am going to be prepared regardless. 3. Lastly, how do I communicate the above in a loving way to my son. He said this last Saturday, “It’s Saturday, we should be on our way to x city” where his dad lives. He knows that Friday/Saturday are supposed to be his days to see his Dad. How do I go about shielding him from pain of abandonment that may soon begin to surface? What are some ways that some of you have helped deliver a message lovingly about their kid’s absent addicted, irresponsible parent (without saying just that). Last question, at this point, should I be requiring that xA starts visits in our home or somewhere public until he can prove he is responsible? I do not know what he is up to, but, I know his history with drugs and alcohol and I have a feeling he is not in a good place

SparkleKitty

It is incredibly difficult to accept people as they are.

If it were me, I would take all of this time and energy spent worrying about the father and instead spend it on the son and his mother. You have no control over your ex's actions or choices, and all the worry and wondering in the world will not change that.

I'm sorry you and your son have to deal with you. You both deserve better. But I'm happy your son has at least one parent capable of prioritizing his health and security.

LexieCat

I'd suggest getting a parenting time order in place ASAP. Not that that will guarantee he'll abide by it, but at least you can point to specific lapses when he fails to follow the order, and you can point to your own readiness to comply.

Loose schedules don't tend to work well--it sounds great to be flexible, but when one party takes advantage of it to the other party's detriment, it doesn't work.

SparkleKitty

Ugh, letitend, I should have said "I'm sorry you and your son have to deal with your ex," not YOU. Typing way too fast.

Nata1980

Yeah my XAH started losing interest when his little scam of "picture perfect father" was uncovered. He did not come to DSs graduation from elementary school because "teachers now knew he was an alcoholic".

This past weekend he stated that he could not bear being away from DS (he lives 250 miles away) - and when I noted that he could move closer, he stated that "he really liked the mountains where he is now". Oh well.

We will never understand it because we don't function like it. His loss.

theuncertainty

It's been over 8 years since I left AXH; 6 years since my divorce from AXH finalized; and 4 years since AXH's last official visit w DS. I still have a hard time understanding that while I would move heaven and earth to see and be a parent to DS, that AXH just won't do the same. I don't get it. I never will. But it doesn't change the fact that it's how AXH is.

It's good that you're keeping a log. The point of a custody/visitation schedule is the best interest of the child(ren). AXH tried to blame his no-shows for visits with DS on me, on his job, on being tired... The court wasn't convinced, and while they initially set up a plan that gave AXH access to our son, they put protections in place for DS, while giving AXH a chance to prove himself one way or the other. (Visits were supervised and he wasn't supposed to drink before or during the visits. The visit supervisors were supposed to report if AXH drank, etc.)

As for shielding your child from it... I tried to as well. AXH did a lot of no-shows with no calls to explain why. I don't think there is a way to effectively shield DS from the bad behavior of his father where it directly affects him (no calls, no shows, no visits...), but there is plenty I can do to help DS through it. I've tried very hard to keep our home life stable and something that DS can count on - not scheduled really, but we have our routines: school days go about like *this*; weekends, we can either fill up with stuff to do or stay home and relax, etc. I'm as truthful with DS as I can be at his age, and I think he knows that he can count on me. He also saw a child-play oriented counselor/therapist while we were in the middle of everything.

letitend

I figured that

letitend

I think that sums it up in a nutshell. Just one more thing I am trying to understand about how he can be the way he is. I couldn't understand it when he was living *in* the home. And I still can't understand it when he is living outside of it.

I have pushed away several urges to call him and give him a piece of my mind for standing up his son. But, I let it go. I stepped away from the relationship because I have zero control over him. This also means I cannot force him into a relationship with his own son. I fought the urge to go tattle on him to his mom too. I know she would be upset with him for standing him up and paying barely any attention to him. But, she would also be the only one to help assist him with custody, etc. So, why give *them* any ammunition.

My son will know that I love him and I will take care of him. He already does. I am going to tell xA that he can come visit with son at my house and have a dinner night, etc. Until he can prove he won't stand up my son and can prove he is staying sober, then visits will need to be supervised. Also, I am not going to *plan* anything. It will be more of a call us when you are outside the door type thing. No need to open up my kid's heart to get let down any more than necessary.

I probably will never understand his modus operandi. He and I operate from a completely different perspective. It is still very traumatic to have to deal with the hurt he causes the family. I am trying to deal with feelings as they come. I *do* feel so much better living without him in the home. My house stays clean, my food lasts so much longer, and there is not any fighting/arguing. My son and I co-exist in such peace. There is typical 6 year old struggles, but I do the best I can. And I think I do a pretty amazing job to be honest. My son's teacher told me he is one of the most well-behaved kids in school. He acts as a role model to show other kids how to behave for the teacher. I must be doing *something* right.

Thanks for letting me vent. I obviously have some work to do on detaching with love.

Praying

I don't agree with this statement. Why do you have to graciously accept in your heart how he behaves in this way? It's appalling, and as a mother you want more for your son. You realize he can't be that, and you accept it in day to day life. That, to me, is already as detached as a mother can be.

My boys see their dad once or twice a year. He was 1,000 miles away with no job, then took a job 1,500 miles away (that he could have gotten anywhere, it doesn't pay well).

Early on he'd ask them if they got their Xmas gifts yet, when he hadn't even sent them. They'd be running to check for packages for weeks. When he finally sent something in February, it was clearly not anything they'd care about. As if he was buying for kids he didn't even know.

I'm detached. But I will never respect the father he is, nor will I try any longer to buffer things and hope he can step up to the plate. He is SO missing out. My boys are wonderful too!

letitend

I am not fully detached as it has only been a little over a month since he left. I have to detach my thoughts from thinking about him. He is not sitting around worried about us, so my thoughts should not be focused on him amd what he is/isn't doing. I have had bitter feelings toward him for years. I no longer want to live and think about what he has done to us because it is too painful for me. I pray that he will step up and be the father my son needs.