Kw0920

Hello All,
Wanted to share my story...need to share my story. I am now in my 2nd marriage to an alcoholic. Two different men..two different scenarios...same disease. My first marriage was chaotic, abusive and ended badly...my husband now is the opposite...or at least i thought. When I met him it was love at first sight...we connected on a level i had only dreamt of ...and I believe it was like that for him too. He was open and honest around being in recovery from the first date. I should have walked away then? Or maybe ran? But he was the sweetest man...and he was everything I thought I wanted...but maybe needed?
After being together a little over a year...we found out we were pregnant...I have a son from my previous marriage...and we were thrilled...then found out there were two TWINS!!! A whole new world for him...for me....but we did it...had two precious little babies...we were making it....and we were happy.
When the twins were 15 months old...our daughter had an infection that landed her in the hospital for a few days...I stayed with her...our son went with Mimi and Papa...and my husband...worked, visited...apparently drank...(probably was for a while...but I had no clue) and cheated...with an escort...I found out about a week or so after...he emailed "them" (yes...there was a threesome) and i saw the email....still...I stayed...I let him apologize...I let him explain...I let him...
Fast forward 3 years....we have been through a few escorts...(UGH!) and the drinking is worse than ever...because now he doesn't have to "hide" it....because now i just don't care. This year we have alone...we have separated...for a month...gone through some of his sobriety...have been to marriage counseling...as well as Individual...he still is in individual...and now I am just waiting....for the next escort to be paid...so that I feel validated to leave....how sick is that....I am sooo tired...he is so annoying...the drinking is getting worse...he is getting worse...he is so intense and unlikeable...and I am so unhappy. I want out...and I think if i said something...he would try to stop again...but I just don't even want to be with him...I miss myself...my happy and relaxed self....
I am by no means perfect...I am sure that my actions (financially irresponsible/debt) bring on stress to him that we don't talk about....and I am trying to fix my errors...find my way...I have asked him to be patient around that and give me some time to figure it out....I am getting there...slowly.
But i feel i provide him a safe and pleasant homelife...I am a good wife...and mother. I try ....but i can't even look at him now....
That's my story...thanks for listening.
Kate

honeypig

Kate, welcome to SR. I hope you can take some time to read around the forum and see that you are NOT alone and that many others just like you are finding their way to a better life.

I don't know if you've checked into Alanon yet (I strongly suggest it) but they talk about the "3 C's"--you didn't Cause his alcoholism, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. Your actions, no matter how financially irresponsible, are NOT why he drinks. He drinks b/c he is an alcoholic. Your "errors" are not making him cheat. He cheats b/c he is a cheater. Even if he sobered up, he'd most likely still be a cheater--the 2 issues are separate.

You have the right to decide to leave him at any point. You do not need his blessing or anyone else's. When you are done, you are done. You do not "owe" him another chance, you do not "owe" him any more work on the marriage. For your children's sake as well as your own, make a plan and start acting on it. Your "happy and relaxed self" is waiting for you, back out in the big wide world!

Bekindalways

Welcome Kate. I am so glad you found us. It does sound like you have been through the wringer.

I second Honeypig's Alanon suggestion. It is not a coincidence that you have chosen an alcoholic twice neither is it bad luck. All of us here are attracted to these kind of folks and usually our relationships started with an immediate attraction-dizzy-in-love experience.

Also read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. Many of us have found it helpful.

Big hug to you! This is super hard stuff you are dealing with!!

Kw0920

Thank you both...I will check out that book...I could use something to get me feeling more in control...

VirginiaWoof

Nope, it's not your fault in any way shape or form. And if anybody tells you that it is then they are 100% wrong.

As a recovering alcoholic I know there were times when I told people I drank because they had done x, y or z. But even as I said it I knew it was just an excuse. A wrongly directed, destructive comment. (I don't know if all alcoholics recognise it's just an excuse or whether some believe what they are saying).

You sound a lovely lady and deserve to live in a peaceful environment.

firebolt

Just big BIG (((HUGS))) to you and the kiddos. You are in the right place here.

dandylion

Just a reminder to have regular testing and protect yourself from STDs.....

Snowing27

Katie,

I'm in a 20 month relationship and I'm ready to leave. Not cause I want to so I guess I'm not ready. It's so difficult to know the right way to feel , to act, to really accept your actions ... Cause some actions such as moving out means the end. And deep down I ( maybe you too ?) don't want it to end. I know I just want it better.

All the stories of those who have left and have a good life now, are their happy selves again , are encouraging.

But just as the alcoholic will not change until they want to, nor will I change and move on until I really want that good life more than this unhealthy relationship.

I think it's stages for us too. Our own recovery. Waves of emotions as to feeling strong and ready and then waves of sadness. And waves of anger as in why can't they just get it together and be normal. I'm not perfect either but I don't cheat and get bombed as a lifestyle. In other words I don't have hurtful actions obliviously incorporated into this relationship.

I don't have children with him like you. But I do have a grown son and no way would I allow my son to live this. If for the moment you can put your children first then maybe your decision will come. I'm sure you want your children to grow up and choose healthy mates and who better to teach them than you!!

I'm weaker than you... I have no ties such as children nor marriage and I still can't muster the courage to leave.

AnvilheadII

oh Kate - this isn't about how nice or pleasant you are, or your spending habits, or the home you create. your AH is steeped in addiction.....and also some INEXCUSABLE behaviors.

he has completely shown you disrespect, repeatedly. trust me, he is not on some self-help website trying to figure out how to make things better with you. AND his sexual activity with escorts puts you at GREAT danger. which means he is putting his children in danger.

that's not how a father acts. nor how a husband acts. please look at his actions......not who he was....or what you "believe" he CAN be.....but the body of work he has presented. THIS is what he offers you.

you deserve better. your children deserve better.

Kw0920

You all have shared some very insightful thoughts...and I appreciate each one of them. You have read between the lines and given words to how I have been feeling...what I know deep down.
How sad I feel that I need to justify leaving him after all he has done to disrespect me and our relationship.
My kids do deserve so much better...I DESERVE so much more...
It's getting harder and harder to live in this "secret" ....I'm exhausted from the second I get out of bed in the morning...pretending with him...pretending at work...pretending with family...pretending in the evening...all the hats I have to juggle....I am tired.
Tired of having slurred conversations that I will just have to have again tomorrow...his hyper-critical statements about my son (his stepson)...the stench of beer...
I can't count on him...for anything....

AnvilheadII

you can quit pretending now......it hasn't FIXED anything.
no one should speak so disparagingly to your son.
or you.

take just a few minutes and imagine life without the negative angry beer stinking jackass..........

you can't count on him, but you can count on YOURSELF.

LexieCat

Hi, Kate,

Just wanted to let you know you're not the only one around here who has married multiple alcoholics! My first got sober about a year before we got married (and he's still sober today, 36 years later). With the second husband, I married him during a brief hiatus in his drinking, and we lived together only a few months after that--he went back to drinking and never looked back.

You're among friends here, and I think you'd get a whole lot out of Al-Anon, too.

Hugs!

amy55

Hi Kate, and welcome to our family here.

I'm really happy that you posted your story here. See, I was always hiding things from my family and covering things up, and of course, I had the perfect family, but I didn't. When I started to open up to others, there was no way that I could leave that wool over my face anymore. My eyes were wide opened.

It helps so much to talk to other people. I see so much in your post that you are trying to justify to yourself that, you are a good wife, a good mother, that you tried your best. I happen to agree with you. I think you are terrific, I think you are beautiful inside and out. It's funny in a strange way, that they always have us questioning ourselves, instead of just once looking at themselves.

See, when I see someone trying to defend themselves that they are a good mom, wife, etc.... I can also see someone there telling that person that they aren't. If I'm wrong about that, I'm sorry.

You and your children do deserve a lot better.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy

Praying

Hi Kate!

After divorcing my alcoholic, abusive husband of 18 years, I found myself in a second relationship with a good man who "didn't drink", and proceeded to become a face-down drunk the day we moved in together and blended families.

I didn't have the heart to tell my family and friends, and it even took a while for me to post here with some questions. I was SO EMBARRASSED. I'm a smart woman who (I think) had my act together!! How could I be here again...

When I was able to think and see clearly, I asked him to leave. A boundary I had set for myself before I met him was never exposing my boys to the toxicity of addiction again...and I was doing so. So as painful as it was, I "undid" it, and after several months we unraveled our lives. He sobered up, and still is, but I couldn't do it. My heart wasn't in it after my past experiences.

So I'm saying two things--

One, you can always rewrite your future. Don't feel trapped by yesterday's decisions.

And two, I bailed on an alcoholic man who was good and kind and sweet and loved me fiercely because I couldn't hang in there for an unknown future--YOU, my dear, have experienced a much less pleasant relationship with your husband. I chose what was right for me, and at face value my A deserved a much bigger chance than your husband. And I still didn't owe it to him. This is my life. My kids' lives.

Same goes for you.

teatreeoil007

Welcome to the board, Kate. The folks here really know their stuff.

You DESERVE the absolute BEST. Tell yourself that over and over and over. I'm not suggesting life is always going to be a bed of roses, cuz it isn't, but in your personal relationships with those closest to you, you deserve to be treated well, and with respect. He has shown you who/what he really is; a serial cheater and an addict too. Those two things do not always go together, but sometimes a person is both. I know addicts who have never cheated and I know of some non-addicts who do. Both of those things (cheating and drinking that is getting worse) would be deal breakers for me.

You deserve to be happy!

maia1234

Welcome kate,
Good for you for finding the strength to post. We r a good group of people with a lot of insight in dealing with addicts. Please take your time, this is not a race. Educate yourself about addiction. Alcohlism is progressive so it will get worse. I hung on for 34 years with my addict. I was a slow learner, I thought I could handle anything, until I couldnt.

Take the time and make the decisions you need to make for you and your babies. Believe in yourself and it will all fall into place the way God had intended.

Hugs my friend. As they say in alanon " keep coming back, it works when you work it!"

Lizzieloulou

Dearest Kate,
Your self-esteem must be so low having endured all of this?! My husband was using internet porn a great deal early-on in our marriage, and that devastated me...goodness knows how you must be feeling?! You were not put on this Earth to be submissive to anyone...always remember that! We all have value, and that value should never be destroyed by another selfish and uncaring person! You deserve your own happiness...you have racked-up debts...so what! That is not being a bad person! Look in the mirror and stare into the eyes of that person...she is good! She matters! Nobody is allowed to tell her any different! Although it may be scary and difficult, please strive to get the life you deserve! Remember...plant the seed and an acorn grows! X

Kw0920

Thank you...and you are so right...I've given up way too much of myself...too much of my dignity and worth...for what?