jsh1

Hi - This is my first post and I am not even sure where to begin... I married my abf two weeks ago and the wedding was a disaster. He has been sober on and off for a few years and I was aware he was relapsing and sadly we had plans for him to go to rehab after the wedding. I was hiding his drinking from my family and my friends did not know the extent. As I am sure you can imagine he showed up at the wedding drunk and drama ensued. My family has not been around alcoholics and was obviously devastated for me but they verbally attacked him that night. He was not belligerent - not that it matters.

He is now in rehab and I am just sad. We have been through this before and I always have faith in him. But how many times can I be made a fool of? My family is so angry with him and he ruined one of the most sacred days of our lives. I looked at my wedding band today and noticed that the jeweler forgot to engrave our wedding date on the band. It felt like a sign.

I don't want to divorce him but I have such a hard time focusing on me and not constantly worrying about him. I have been to alanon and I am in therapy. What I know is that I can't make him sober. It's just much easier said than done. Sorry for the very long rant. I'm just looking for some advice. Anyone else been in this situation? I want to have faith in him without trying to control him... It's exhausting!!

LexieCat

Well, I did pretty much the same thing--married a guy who was relapsing (after almost dying from drinking-related causes)--I convinced myself he was sober, but I had my suspicions, which I pushed aside (my first husband had gotten sober and stayed that way for 15 years, so I was unrealistically optimistic).

We lived together for only about six months after we married. He continued to drink, lost his job and couldn't get it together to find another one. I was supporting us and looking for a second job. That was almost 20 years ago, and as far as I know he's still drinking himself to death.

All I can say is, if you find that you've made a mistake, it's much more easily undone now than it is if you have kids and your finances are entangled. People do get sober, and sometimes it takes a few tries. I'm sorry your wedding was a disaster--that's a shame. Still, it's one day--an important one, but ultimately one day out of your whole life. Only you can decide whether to stay or go at this point, but it's much better to admit a mistake early than to endure something for the sake of not admitting you made one.

BeachPlease

So sorry about how the wedding went. I'm sure that was stressful.

I think you should run like hell. I also know that worrying more about him than yourself will make your life more unpleasant. We're always looking out for the A, but who is looking out for us??

Maudcat

It sounds like you are wondering about leaving. How do you think rehab is going for him? Think it will take? It is good that you are working therapy and Al-Anon. You know then that taking care of yourself is job one. Difficult, I know, when you are worried and sad about someone you love. If I may ask, do you believe in a higher power, a force greater than you? Sometimes we just give up situations that we can't control and ask our higher power (if we have one) to show us the way. Here is my plan B if HP is not part of your life: just breathe. 5-4-5 count. Count five as you breathe in, hold for 3 counts, count five as you exhale. Sounds very woo-woo, I know, but it calms the body and centers the mind. Your husband is in rehab. You have a little time. Breathe.

jsh1

I want to believe this will take but we have been here before. He is horrified and ashamed about what he did but there is always the risk of relapse when married to an alcoholic . It is not that I don't believe in a higher power I just don't think I have figured that all out. I am not religious and to me it feels like something you attain through religion. I guess I am looking for answers and only time will tell. However, I do appreciate the advice. Deep breaths and lots of time to think is probably exactly what I need.

His rehab counselor called me yesterday and asked that I come down for the day on Saturday. There is a 2 hour session for families and then we will have our own counseling session with her. Hopefully that may provide a little clarity.

Again thank you for the advice. Just knowing there are others out there with similar situations is comforting.

Maudcat

Good luck with the family session. You're right. You should get some clarity after it. I hope you will check back in. Peace.