Alcoholic Neighbor

Old 09-08-2016, 08:47 AM
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Alcoholic Neighbor

Kinda weird to be posting on this side of the fence, but you guys are amazing with this type of stuff, so.. here goes.

I've been sober for almost 8 years, I was raised in an alcoholic home (just background because I think it's impacting how I'm reacting to this situation)- so clearly I have my share of experience with addiction and sobriety. I got sober before having my kid, so I don't have parenting/alcoholism experience.

So, my neighbor. If she didn't have kids, I wouldn't feel compelled to reach out really. But she does, and they are tiny (1 and 3). She is a stay at home mom (newly a stay at home mom), and I have never seen her sober. I have also never seen her drink, which speaks to me. Doesn't matter time of day- 9am/ 9pm- every single moment of each day I've seen her, she is a mess. Her husband is around, seems to drink quite a bit too, but more "a few beers after work" type of thing. I have no idea if he's aware or not.. and while the logical side of me screams "how could he not be??", my own husband wasn't aware of the extent of my drinking either, and it was awful.

When the kids are all out in the cul de sac playing, we all sort of stand there and visit, and I honestly just have to walk away from her. She usually completely reeks like alcohol and can rarely put a sentence together. I have a really awful visceral reaction to her, which is totally my own issues cropping up- memories of my mom acting like that..memories of myself probably seeming like that.

But what is there to do? The kids are home with her all day, not old enough for school. I feel like I should know this, I should know exactly what to do, or not do.. but I'm paralyzed by it. What sage words to you have for me?
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Old 09-08-2016, 09:02 AM
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As a recovering alcoholic I can certainly relate how painful it is to see someone drunk, especially when you're forced to encounter them on a daily basis. I would share about it in AA or to a sponsor. If you see any abuse of the kids, or believe they're home unattended, I suggest calling social services. Other than that, it the best you can do is not speak to your neighbor, get in and out of your building as quickly as possible.
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Old 09-08-2016, 09:08 AM
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Personally, I would call ch ild protection. You can remain anonymous. She will never know who called...because it could have been anybody!
I am sure that you will not like the idea of doing this.....
But, remember this is about the HELPLESS CHILDREN. It is not about your welfare, or even the parents, at this p oint.
We all have a social responsibility to protect children. I feel strongly about this....

At least, that is what I would do...
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Old 09-08-2016, 09:17 AM
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Thank you both. I know. I do know that's probably the best call.

NYC- while they aren't literally unattended, they are very much unattended if she's drunk all the time, ya know?

Dandy- Yep. It's really hard for me to separate my own memories of growing up with drunk parents, wondering how my life would be different had someone intervened.. It's like I'm TOO experienced to see this clearly.

Which is why I have you guys! <3

Crap situation, huh.
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Old 09-08-2016, 09:20 AM
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I'm with dandy. First things first. Keep the kids safe, and maybe you can share some recovery insights with the mom.

Just so you know, CPS seldom swoops in and removes children at the first sign of a problem. They WILL, however, intervene in a way that keeps the kids safe. That may involve her having to commit to a recovery program, have a responsible adult there at all times when she has the kids alone (until she is safe to parent them), etc.

Please do it--there could be tragic consequences if she passes out while they are in the bath, or leaves the oven/stove on, or one of the kids is injured and she tries to drive them to the hospital, drunk.
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Old 09-08-2016, 09:31 AM
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One of my favorite quotes

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”― Edmund Burke
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Old 09-08-2016, 10:01 AM
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Yes, yes, yes....^^^^^^^^^^
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Old 09-08-2016, 10:07 AM
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My son still has a scar from the day my drunk ex-husband decided not to take him to the doctor after an accident.

People knew for a year that he was an alcoholic before I found out. Likewise we spent months trying to figure out what was wrong with my mother, who had never been a big drinker but started to self-medicate after menopause. We were literally telling her doctor "it's like she's drunk!" And never considered that she was ACTUALLY drunk.

Net net, don't assume her husband knows anything. It's worth reaching out to express your concern.
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Old 09-08-2016, 11:02 AM
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I have a really awful visceral reaction to her, which is totally my own issues cropping up- memories of my mom acting like that..memories of myself probably seeming like that.
Don't be too fast to accept blame here. Your visceral reaction I think is pretty normal describing what you are seeing....plus, you are a mother yourself...

I don't even have kids, and my guts are retching reading this...

I agree with Dandy, you can call CPS. MY GOD if you ever see her drive those kids, please call the police.

Also - take care of yourself, that would be really, really difficult to watch.
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Old 09-08-2016, 01:59 PM
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I called, and then I cried. Weird how much crap this brought up in me.

I hope they all get the help the need, or something.
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Old 09-08-2016, 02:15 PM
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flutter...congratulations. You have done the right thing, even though it was difficult for you to face.
You have changed t hings for the better for those little kids!
Child protective services will, typically, offer help to the parents..in addition to monitoring the kids to make sure that they are being safe and properly cared for.

I am proud of you...
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Old 09-08-2016, 02:36 PM
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That's a hard thing to do, but you definitely the right thing!

Originally Posted by firebolt View Post
MY GOD if you ever see her drive those kids, please call the police.
And yes, definitely this too^^^
Often, in my experience, even after numerous calls to CPS from the community, sometimes it takes the parent getting arrested before CPS can effectively intervene.
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Old 09-08-2016, 02:41 PM
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Good for you--I know it must have been very hard.
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Old 09-08-2016, 03:08 PM
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All we can do is the next right thing and you did it. The outcome is in God's hands. Things may get better or worse but your side of the street is clean.

You did the right thing and you can sleep with a clear conscience
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Old 09-08-2016, 05:11 PM
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Flutter,

I just wanted to say well done on your decision! I was in a similar situation in which I also had to make the call to social services on a neighbour. I also worried that she would find out it was me.

However the moral decision was to protect the two small children left in her care by her husband. (who fled to save himself...long story) It was a very long process to get those children into a safe place but that first phone call to social services is the first step to hopefully a better life for everyone involved (present and future)

That one call will ripple through hopefully to the right services for everyone. If the system works (unfortunately we know it does not sometimes) than you will have started a change for the better in many lives.

Its not easy and lots of people turn a blind eye to suspected abuse or neglect for fear of getting involved. I can't tell you the amount of times my neighbours 3 year old son was found walking naked on the main road only to be brought home by numerous neighbours (without reporting anything to either the police or social services) ... its so strange.

I found him once as I was coming home from work and a man was putting him in his car. Perfect timing on my part... I pulled over at once and questioned the man as he was picking him up to put in his car. He did not know this child and said he was going to take him to the police station. I told him I was the boys neighbour and I took the child from him and walked the boy (left my car on the side of the road) back to my neighbours place. I advise her what happened and she looked like she just woke up and was very out of it. The situation can be left to your imagination as to what could have happened to that boy. (I don't feel this man had any bad intentions)... BUT what if?

This is when I called Social Services... So Flutter, just remember what you see or what you have seen is just a snippet of what is going on and what could be worse behind closed doors. Good on you for taking notice and reporting. I work for the government so I am held to mandatory reporting so I knew my obligations but even so it is REALLY hard to do when you know you are reporting on and dealing with someone who is unstable due to mental illness, under the influence of drugs and alcohol and/or both... you do feel like you are putting yourself at risk in some way.

In my case it all worked out for the best and the police and social services were so kind in reassuring me that it was the best decision. The kids were removed after a lengthy time from her care and she got help and so did the kids.

There is a good link on Why Abuse is not reported:

just put the in front of the web address for some reason I can not post a link until I have 15 posts??

preventchildabusehc.org/reporting-abuse/why-children-don-t-report

It's just a reminder... nothing we all don't already know... but I just wanted to say again...Well done and you've hopefully taken the first step in helping this family and preventing any future people getting caught up in the cycle repeating itself.

"Wounded children become wounded adults, and wounded adults can destroy themselves and possibly others" - unknown- but oh so true!!
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Old 09-08-2016, 06:29 PM
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I agree with everyone else. If you see her driving drunk I would call the police. Maybe now that social services will come out and do a well check on the kids that she "might" get her act together, but maybe not.

Good for you for caring enough about those precious children that they deserve better. You are the only chance they have!!

Congrats on 8 years my friend!!!
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Old 09-09-2016, 04:01 AM
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I'm glad you called - that took strength and courage!
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Old 09-09-2016, 04:33 AM
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Hello Flutter,

What you did was very courageous...and I would have cried afterward, too. I hate, hate, hate having to do those sorts of things. It makes me very uncomfortable.

I am grateful to you for taking that action because at least now your neighbor's situation is on the radar of people who can help the whole family!
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Old 09-09-2016, 08:56 AM
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Originally Posted by firebolt View Post
Don't be too fast to accept blame here. Your visceral reaction I think is pretty normal describing what you are seeing....plus, you are a mother yourself...

I don't even have kids, and my guts are retching reading this...

I agree with Dandy, you can call CPS. MY GOD if you ever see her drive those kids, please call the police.

Also - take care of yourself, that would be really, really difficult to watch.
I've never seen her leave her house, to be honest. But absolutely if she drove I would report it. I think she stays home all day/every day and just drinks. I have no idea.

I feel really bad that I had to do it, but I know that I did the right thing. I am a social worker by profession, I have contacted child services dozens of times for many different reasons, but this one feels (obviously) different.

Thanks again for all the direction and support!!
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Old 09-09-2016, 09:30 AM
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It is so sad for all involved. For the children because they have an impaired mother, sad for the mother because alcohol is more important than her children, sad for you because you were forced to act in the welfare of the children.

Alcoholism is one nasty piece of work
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