3 Months In - What's Working For Me?
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
3 Months In - What's Working For Me?
While alcoholism has touched all of our lives here in some way, there are no hard and fast rules both to the effects of the qualifier or the recovery plan. It's different for all of us.
I have much more good moments than bad moments as time goes on. I won't say "good days" or "bad days" as typically nothing happening to me mood-wise typically lasts a full day anymore. There will still be the out-of-nowhere moments of anger, sadness, loneliness, but they are less frequent and pass much sooner when some sort of trigger happens. Overall, I have settled into my "new life" pattern which really looks a lot like my old life did, except without a girl or a dog in the house. Otherwise, I'm doing all the same things I did before -- Housework, cooking, yardwork, my day job, some TV at night, occasional weekend plans, repeat. It's the life I want and the life I like. The house feels empty sometimes, and other times it just feels like a normal house.
Life is a little more boring and a lot more lonely, especially on weekends, but that's okay. I have realized it is better than the drama of dealing with alcoholism.
My self-esteem is good. Early on I had some moments of despair and worry about the future and some introspective moments. While there is always room for improvement as a person, overall I have a good self-image and feel good about myself despite the fact my relationship failed. Thankfully, the experience living with alcoholism in the house did not hurt my self-esteem. I think low self-esteem gets us in trouble, and it's why we allow ourselves to stay in or get back into relationships with people with alcohol problems.
I WAS controlling, trying to control her, JUST like she said! Here's how -- She wanted to drink alcohol, and I wanted to CONTROL how much alcohol she drank, and when. So yes, she was right -- She is an adult and can drink as much alcohol as often as she'd like. I am an adult and can decide I don't want that drama in my life anymore.
I have no desire to start a new relationship right now. Not on any dating sites, or wanting friends to hook me up. Not out on the singles scene and looking. I do sometimes worry if the baggage from my past relationship will effect my ability to start over, and I have had fleeting thoughts at times that starting over with someone brand new after being in a relationship for 10 years will be difficult. Sometimes I think it will be work, other times I look at it as an exicitng opportunity for a fresh start. Thoughts are mixed. I imagine that will change more as time goes on, or if I met the right person. I do sometimes wonder how I will meet someone new when I am ready. I don't feel like putting in any effort and I also know I will be so picky about anyone new at this stage in my life that she's going to be hard to find. I don't think about this too much right now, though I do think in a year if I am still alone I'll think about it a lot more. I don't think I will be one of those people who spends time alone and realizes he loves being alone and decides to spend the rest of his life single.
I know I want someone in my life. I have realized that I can function quite well by myself, but I prefer company. That said, I enjoy alone time and space as well so the girl that would suit me the best in a relationship someday would have that same level of independence. I need someone who wants me in their life, but has their own life, too. Half of the time, I love being alone, other times, I'd love to have company. I miss someone in the bed with me at night. I miss having someone to share my day and my experiences with. I miss having someone to enjoy simple things like a TV show or a movie with. I know this is something I would prefer to have in my life if I can get there again someday.
Exercise is awesome. I exercise daily and it makes me feel great. I wasn't doing that when we she and I were together but for some reason relationship troubles or breakups with her in the past have always driven me back into exercise mode. I don't see a ton of physical benefits on the way I look but I feel better after I do it and I know it can only help. Exercise makes me feel great and you can't beat the free endorphins.
I need to eat better. During our last breakup I was so distraught I didn't eat at all. This time it's been the opposite. My appetite is larger and I have been eating less healthy food. The exercise helps with mood but not with weight unfortunately. I will need to change my diet if I want to lose weight and need to do that for health, to feel better, and to look better.
I miss her and love her still and understand how things work on her side of the street so much better thanks to this site and online research. I miss the good qualities and all the things we agreed on and did and loved together. I absolutely, positively do not miss the stress over her drinking. The worry when I left the house, how drunk she would be when I came home. Worried about her getting sick in bed from drinking. Worrying about her driving while intoxicated. Worrying when she would be home from her latest drinking binge, or if she'd come home at all that night. Worrying about if she would embarrass me or herself (and not even realize it) at a public function due to binge drinking. Having to look over one shoulder to make sure she is not getting out of control. Worrying how much booze she'd walk into the house carrying after a trip to the supermarket. Sure, we could have stayed together longer and I could have just detached from all those things. But that's no way to live. I cannot even in words to justice to how much of a relief it is to not have to live life that way any more.
Surprisingly, limited contact has helped me which I know is contradictory to what pretty much everyone here says. Then again I am in somewhat of a different situation that we parted quite amicably without violence, property arguments, children, divorce, etc. It's made things so easy and left nothing to argue about. I do think both she and I are codependent and the fact that we can occasionally touch base has helped both of us move along in life. I never initiate contact, all contact has been by her through text, and is brief. It's usually a photo of what she is doing. We never talk or see each other. Alcohol is not brought up because it doesn't matter. I suspect she would love to hit the reset button but the contact does nothing to weaken my resolve. I know I can still love her from where I am, and keep up the boundary that I no longer desire to have her in my life when alcohol is a part of hers. It's as simple as that. I know that many people shun contact here because it softens resolve and reels people back into the fray. For me, it has not changed any of my opinions towards what transpired or my boundaries. She drank too much, I couldn't take it anymore, that's not changing and I have no reason to think otherwise.
Contact is usually a photo or video of the dog - Recently I received a photo of her evening plans which featured a book to read and a can of beer. I did not respond to this. It's apparent that either it never sank in that alcohol was the problem, or she just wants me to know it's still a big part of her life. I think she feels that we broke up because she was out drinking too much and wants me to see she is a homebody now, in on a Friday night and not out drinking and partying. Not sure if she gets it -- Getting drunk sitting home is just as bad as getting drunk out at a bar. But, to her credit, she is not playing games in that regard, trying to trick me into thinking she's gone straight and wants to reconcile. Nope, she's still drinking. It helps my resolve even more!
I assume eventually contact with wither and end on its own as we move on. One or both of us eventually will find someone else and I don't do the friends thing with exes that well. I especially never want to see any ex-girlfriends with another guy. Perhaps a flaw in myself or some sort of possessiveness that I have an issue with, but seeing her with someone else would hurt me so it's not something I'd want to be a part of. If she was seeing someone else or talking about it, that would definitely put an end to any contact or responses from me. For now, I am actually oddly benefiting from the slow pull off of the band-aid, and contact has not once had me considering getting back together. Surprising to me, too, though I think because I fell for it once before (got back together after a breakup and let the drinking continue) I know now that it doesn't work, and I don't intend to make the same mistake twice.
I have kept extremely busy and said "yes" to pretty much every invitation from friends or family and as a result am often on the go. I also have spent a lot of time at home keeping up with the yard, keeping the house clean, and working on the never-ending projects that come with having a house. I enjoy all these things and find that especially when my mind is occupied fully on other tasks or with other people, I am happy and content.
I had been pretty much avoiding any beer drinking at home with my ex, conditioned myself out of the occasional beer or two I would enjoy due to it always being a gateway for her to start her own binge. Now that she's gone, I've enjoyed the occasional beer or two some evenings and thankfully am able to leave it at that. Sometimes I think about having a beer and then just forget about it and never do. It is nice to be able to take or leave alcohol. That said, on a couple occasions where friends came in for the weekend I have overdid it on the booze and the hangover of depression the next day was crushing. I have realized that in this moment in my life especially, the hangover from alcohol is an emotional one, not a physical one. My depression over our relationship ending has been the absolute worst on the rare days I've drank more than a beer or two. For that reason I am avoiding any heavy alcohol use and that's easy to do. It's also given me some perspective on the way alcoholism effects others who can't control it. The fact that alcohol is a depressant is obviously going to have the side-effect of amplifying any depression, so it creates a cycle that has to be tough to break in those who don't have the tools to do it.
Summary: Good moments come from keeping mind and body busy, and seeing other people. Bad moments when I am alone, or if I drink alcohol (especially the following day). All of this is manageable and the more I know myself, and understand why I am at this point, the easier it gets to navigate the waters.
Other than that, I don't have much else to report -- I continue to read posts here and learn. I think the big takeaway message here that I wanted to leave for anyone who made it this far is that not everyone's situation is the same. I broke up with my girlfriend because she drank too much and she agreed and left. We didn't fight, argue, have drama, violence, or problems, and we are still able to be cordial to one another. Settling affairs was easy. And probably the biggest contradiction, staying in very limited contact has not been a problem nor caused me any desire to allow the alcoholism back into my life. Having a list of the reasons why and the memories are enough to know that it's not the life I want.
If you made it this far, go reward yourself for making it through my ramblings.
I have much more good moments than bad moments as time goes on. I won't say "good days" or "bad days" as typically nothing happening to me mood-wise typically lasts a full day anymore. There will still be the out-of-nowhere moments of anger, sadness, loneliness, but they are less frequent and pass much sooner when some sort of trigger happens. Overall, I have settled into my "new life" pattern which really looks a lot like my old life did, except without a girl or a dog in the house. Otherwise, I'm doing all the same things I did before -- Housework, cooking, yardwork, my day job, some TV at night, occasional weekend plans, repeat. It's the life I want and the life I like. The house feels empty sometimes, and other times it just feels like a normal house.
Life is a little more boring and a lot more lonely, especially on weekends, but that's okay. I have realized it is better than the drama of dealing with alcoholism.
My self-esteem is good. Early on I had some moments of despair and worry about the future and some introspective moments. While there is always room for improvement as a person, overall I have a good self-image and feel good about myself despite the fact my relationship failed. Thankfully, the experience living with alcoholism in the house did not hurt my self-esteem. I think low self-esteem gets us in trouble, and it's why we allow ourselves to stay in or get back into relationships with people with alcohol problems.
I WAS controlling, trying to control her, JUST like she said! Here's how -- She wanted to drink alcohol, and I wanted to CONTROL how much alcohol she drank, and when. So yes, she was right -- She is an adult and can drink as much alcohol as often as she'd like. I am an adult and can decide I don't want that drama in my life anymore.
I have no desire to start a new relationship right now. Not on any dating sites, or wanting friends to hook me up. Not out on the singles scene and looking. I do sometimes worry if the baggage from my past relationship will effect my ability to start over, and I have had fleeting thoughts at times that starting over with someone brand new after being in a relationship for 10 years will be difficult. Sometimes I think it will be work, other times I look at it as an exicitng opportunity for a fresh start. Thoughts are mixed. I imagine that will change more as time goes on, or if I met the right person. I do sometimes wonder how I will meet someone new when I am ready. I don't feel like putting in any effort and I also know I will be so picky about anyone new at this stage in my life that she's going to be hard to find. I don't think about this too much right now, though I do think in a year if I am still alone I'll think about it a lot more. I don't think I will be one of those people who spends time alone and realizes he loves being alone and decides to spend the rest of his life single.
I know I want someone in my life. I have realized that I can function quite well by myself, but I prefer company. That said, I enjoy alone time and space as well so the girl that would suit me the best in a relationship someday would have that same level of independence. I need someone who wants me in their life, but has their own life, too. Half of the time, I love being alone, other times, I'd love to have company. I miss someone in the bed with me at night. I miss having someone to share my day and my experiences with. I miss having someone to enjoy simple things like a TV show or a movie with. I know this is something I would prefer to have in my life if I can get there again someday.
Exercise is awesome. I exercise daily and it makes me feel great. I wasn't doing that when we she and I were together but for some reason relationship troubles or breakups with her in the past have always driven me back into exercise mode. I don't see a ton of physical benefits on the way I look but I feel better after I do it and I know it can only help. Exercise makes me feel great and you can't beat the free endorphins.
I need to eat better. During our last breakup I was so distraught I didn't eat at all. This time it's been the opposite. My appetite is larger and I have been eating less healthy food. The exercise helps with mood but not with weight unfortunately. I will need to change my diet if I want to lose weight and need to do that for health, to feel better, and to look better.
I miss her and love her still and understand how things work on her side of the street so much better thanks to this site and online research. I miss the good qualities and all the things we agreed on and did and loved together. I absolutely, positively do not miss the stress over her drinking. The worry when I left the house, how drunk she would be when I came home. Worried about her getting sick in bed from drinking. Worrying about her driving while intoxicated. Worrying when she would be home from her latest drinking binge, or if she'd come home at all that night. Worrying about if she would embarrass me or herself (and not even realize it) at a public function due to binge drinking. Having to look over one shoulder to make sure she is not getting out of control. Worrying how much booze she'd walk into the house carrying after a trip to the supermarket. Sure, we could have stayed together longer and I could have just detached from all those things. But that's no way to live. I cannot even in words to justice to how much of a relief it is to not have to live life that way any more.
Surprisingly, limited contact has helped me which I know is contradictory to what pretty much everyone here says. Then again I am in somewhat of a different situation that we parted quite amicably without violence, property arguments, children, divorce, etc. It's made things so easy and left nothing to argue about. I do think both she and I are codependent and the fact that we can occasionally touch base has helped both of us move along in life. I never initiate contact, all contact has been by her through text, and is brief. It's usually a photo of what she is doing. We never talk or see each other. Alcohol is not brought up because it doesn't matter. I suspect she would love to hit the reset button but the contact does nothing to weaken my resolve. I know I can still love her from where I am, and keep up the boundary that I no longer desire to have her in my life when alcohol is a part of hers. It's as simple as that. I know that many people shun contact here because it softens resolve and reels people back into the fray. For me, it has not changed any of my opinions towards what transpired or my boundaries. She drank too much, I couldn't take it anymore, that's not changing and I have no reason to think otherwise.
Contact is usually a photo or video of the dog - Recently I received a photo of her evening plans which featured a book to read and a can of beer. I did not respond to this. It's apparent that either it never sank in that alcohol was the problem, or she just wants me to know it's still a big part of her life. I think she feels that we broke up because she was out drinking too much and wants me to see she is a homebody now, in on a Friday night and not out drinking and partying. Not sure if she gets it -- Getting drunk sitting home is just as bad as getting drunk out at a bar. But, to her credit, she is not playing games in that regard, trying to trick me into thinking she's gone straight and wants to reconcile. Nope, she's still drinking. It helps my resolve even more!
I assume eventually contact with wither and end on its own as we move on. One or both of us eventually will find someone else and I don't do the friends thing with exes that well. I especially never want to see any ex-girlfriends with another guy. Perhaps a flaw in myself or some sort of possessiveness that I have an issue with, but seeing her with someone else would hurt me so it's not something I'd want to be a part of. If she was seeing someone else or talking about it, that would definitely put an end to any contact or responses from me. For now, I am actually oddly benefiting from the slow pull off of the band-aid, and contact has not once had me considering getting back together. Surprising to me, too, though I think because I fell for it once before (got back together after a breakup and let the drinking continue) I know now that it doesn't work, and I don't intend to make the same mistake twice.
I have kept extremely busy and said "yes" to pretty much every invitation from friends or family and as a result am often on the go. I also have spent a lot of time at home keeping up with the yard, keeping the house clean, and working on the never-ending projects that come with having a house. I enjoy all these things and find that especially when my mind is occupied fully on other tasks or with other people, I am happy and content.
I had been pretty much avoiding any beer drinking at home with my ex, conditioned myself out of the occasional beer or two I would enjoy due to it always being a gateway for her to start her own binge. Now that she's gone, I've enjoyed the occasional beer or two some evenings and thankfully am able to leave it at that. Sometimes I think about having a beer and then just forget about it and never do. It is nice to be able to take or leave alcohol. That said, on a couple occasions where friends came in for the weekend I have overdid it on the booze and the hangover of depression the next day was crushing. I have realized that in this moment in my life especially, the hangover from alcohol is an emotional one, not a physical one. My depression over our relationship ending has been the absolute worst on the rare days I've drank more than a beer or two. For that reason I am avoiding any heavy alcohol use and that's easy to do. It's also given me some perspective on the way alcoholism effects others who can't control it. The fact that alcohol is a depressant is obviously going to have the side-effect of amplifying any depression, so it creates a cycle that has to be tough to break in those who don't have the tools to do it.
Summary: Good moments come from keeping mind and body busy, and seeing other people. Bad moments when I am alone, or if I drink alcohol (especially the following day). All of this is manageable and the more I know myself, and understand why I am at this point, the easier it gets to navigate the waters.
Other than that, I don't have much else to report -- I continue to read posts here and learn. I think the big takeaway message here that I wanted to leave for anyone who made it this far is that not everyone's situation is the same. I broke up with my girlfriend because she drank too much and she agreed and left. We didn't fight, argue, have drama, violence, or problems, and we are still able to be cordial to one another. Settling affairs was easy. And probably the biggest contradiction, staying in very limited contact has not been a problem nor caused me any desire to allow the alcoholism back into my life. Having a list of the reasons why and the memories are enough to know that it's not the life I want.
If you made it this far, go reward yourself for making it through my ramblings.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Sure, we could have stayed together longer and I could have just detached from all those things. But that's no way to live.
And as you say, who wants to live that way?
Your post was indeed lengthy but I'm glad I read to the end--good stuff.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
One or both of us eventually will find someone else and I don't do the friends thing with exes that well. I especially never want to see any ex-girlfriends with another guy. Perhaps a flaw in myself or some sort of possessiveness that I have an issue with, but seeing her with someone else would hurt me so it's not something I'd want to be a part of. If she was seeing someone else or talking about it, that would definitely put an end to any contact or responses from me.
I think it's a good healthy thing to draw boundaries for your own heart, and OF COURSE you're going to be jealous if you see an ex with somebody else, even if you're the one who initiated the breakup. Don't try to think that you need to be a "better person" and try to change the way you feel.
It's funny, just an hour ago I was thinking about my ex-fiance', who was sober but had so many issues that he could be his own subreddit. He constantly tried to have me pull down boundaries. He was flirtatious with women, but in his head I shouldn't have minded because our relationship was "secure". HE didn't mind when other men flirted with me, so why should I mind if he flirted with women? His employment record was spotty, but he was an artist and financial security was irrelevant. I needed to move beyond material wants. Blah blah blah blah blah. He rang so many alarm bells in my head and yet my heart still went to him. Now seventeen years later, I don't think I would even give him the time of day.
I do sincerely hope that you meet somebody that not only recognizes the need for boundaries, but also respects them. With my husband, we rarely have a conversation about boundaries, because we mutually make an effort not to test them. If it does happen, it's a five minute conversation WITHOUT the "If you were more secure/cooler/a better person, you wouldn't be upset" spiel. As a result, I trust him like no other (and after being with my ex-fiance, that is quite an accomplishment).
Exercise makes me feel great and you can't beat the free endorphins.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Great post Wells.
I like your point that all of our recoveries are different. Leaving my qualifier was relatively drama free too. However, no-contact was crucial for me. I'm not friends with him simply because the attraction is still there and any benefits of friendship would be overridden by the cost of suppressing the attraction.
I like your point that all of our recoveries are different. Leaving my qualifier was relatively drama free too. However, no-contact was crucial for me. I'm not friends with him simply because the attraction is still there and any benefits of friendship would be overridden by the cost of suppressing the attraction.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 530
I am three months out too! Left May 27! My thoughts are so scattered , it is hard for me to focus today so I want to go back in and read your whole post Wells. and all the other posts. But you said exercise helps- I agree- it really does. What also has been helping me: my friends, my work, this website, playing piano and trombone, taking care of my plants and dogs and feathering my new nest. sometimes I feel so much sadness and despair and I have had moments of sobbing uncontrollably- because my grown children have cut me out of their lives( for now anyway). This is my biggest heartache and my biggest regret. I do not miss STBXAH, although it would be nice to have someone to talk to on a regular basis- just to share the slings and arrows of life. That is what I miss the most about being married. I would like to date - not seriously- just to have some conversation, to share a movie or a walk every once in a while- but so far noone has shown any interest. I am a real people person- a friend is coming over and we are going to my pool- and I am so excited!!! I am on my way to the library to pick up some books so I can just sit and read and enjoy the beautiful day.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Actually, qtpi, considering how recently you left, I'd say you're doing GREAT. I'd not be in too much of a hurry to date just yet. It sounds like you've got some great friends, and you can always add to your "friend" list--friends can be great for sharing the slings and arrows.
You sound far from desperate for a new relationship, but it's good to just spend some time getting to know oneself again. After a really sucky relationship ends, it can be very tempting to jump back into one with someone who treats you decently, without being quite ready for it. Take your time. Your new life sounds awesome.
And Wells, I think YOU are doing an outstanding job, yourself. Keep on keepin' on.
You sound far from desperate for a new relationship, but it's good to just spend some time getting to know oneself again. After a really sucky relationship ends, it can be very tempting to jump back into one with someone who treats you decently, without being quite ready for it. Take your time. Your new life sounds awesome.
And Wells, I think YOU are doing an outstanding job, yourself. Keep on keepin' on.
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 530
3 months out for me. I have had no contact. I am thankful and relieved for that and want to continue that way because I fear being sucked back in. I took the dogs with me because he works full time- but at this point I would be interested in getting them both new homes because of the work and the expense, but I don't want to rush a big decision like that. My new apartment is convenient and comfortable and I like being out on my little porch with the plants- and I like my bedroom- this is weird I know but the kitchen and living area just don't feel right yet. I keep rearranging the furniture. Have had several configurations, and just haven't found the right one.
Keeping up daily exercise. Having a lot of social activities to the point that sometimes I have to decide between two invitations. I joined a jazz band and a concert band and two choirs. Play mah jongg twice a week too. And then there's my work which I love.
Financially I am making it but it is paycheck to paycheck and my lifestyle has changed a lot. I once treated myself a tray of sushi from the grocery store or work but it is too expensive now. Last night I gave myself a manicure- and it looks like I gave myself a manicure!!! But I am going to have to keep trying and see if I can get it right so I can do it at home. Eating out has become eating in. I pack dinners for work because the cafeteria dinners are about double what I spend if I pack. I keep the AC off. Books and movies are from the library. Survival tactics until the divorce finances are settled and/or I get alimony. I have a part-time job with no benefits and no vacation or sick time accrual. Leaving my STBXAH was a huge decision for me and a risky one. The risk is if something happens and I can't work I could end up living in a cardboard box. But I just couldn't trust him or live with him any more.
Wells, good luck going forward. Tell us more as it unfolds!
Keeping up daily exercise. Having a lot of social activities to the point that sometimes I have to decide between two invitations. I joined a jazz band and a concert band and two choirs. Play mah jongg twice a week too. And then there's my work which I love.
Financially I am making it but it is paycheck to paycheck and my lifestyle has changed a lot. I once treated myself a tray of sushi from the grocery store or work but it is too expensive now. Last night I gave myself a manicure- and it looks like I gave myself a manicure!!! But I am going to have to keep trying and see if I can get it right so I can do it at home. Eating out has become eating in. I pack dinners for work because the cafeteria dinners are about double what I spend if I pack. I keep the AC off. Books and movies are from the library. Survival tactics until the divorce finances are settled and/or I get alimony. I have a part-time job with no benefits and no vacation or sick time accrual. Leaving my STBXAH was a huge decision for me and a risky one. The risk is if something happens and I can't work I could end up living in a cardboard box. But I just couldn't trust him or live with him any more.
Wells, good luck going forward. Tell us more as it unfolds!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
qtpi, I'd suggest looking for a better job while you've got some time on your hands. Courts are more likely to award alimony if they see you are doing the best you possibly can, from a financial standpoint. Have you polished up a resume? Are you looking for work?
Most of the folks here who have had to rely on an ex for financial support find it to be a pretty frustrating experience. The sooner you can be COMPLETELY independent, the better.
Most of the folks here who have had to rely on an ex for financial support find it to be a pretty frustrating experience. The sooner you can be COMPLETELY independent, the better.
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