Confused and Angry

Old 08-26-2016, 04:27 PM
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Confused and Angry

My boyfriend & I moved to a new state last year. We were only together a few months before we moved. He told me he has a drinking problem and I kind of just brushed it off like it was nothing.

We lived in a hotel until we found a house (I already had a job, he did not). He was drunk by the time I got back from work to the hotel everyday. Again, I figured it was because he was bored and didn't have anything else to do.

Now, we have been in our house a little under a year. He works the day shift and I work swing. He gets home and first thing he does is grab a beer. By the time I come home, he is WASTED every night. He probably drinks a 12 pack a night.

One night, we were watching Intervention and he broke down and was begging me to take him to rehab. He didn't want anything but to go to rehab. I tried to reason with him and told him it's not at easy as watching a show and going to rehab. We need to inform his family, his work, our landlord... Next morning, he wakes up and brushes it under the rug. I honestly don't know if he even remembers it or not.

I finally get him to go to therapy. The therapist suggested he go to detox that day. He of course, said no. Yesterday, I went and saw his therapist and was told detox will not cut it for him. He's been drinking for over 10 years. He has to go to rehab.

I contacted his mother (he does not know) and we talked all morning about how great it will be if he cleans up his act. She genuinely misses her son. When I came home from work yesterday he was drunk (obv.) and he said FLAT OUT NO to going to rehab. I asked him why? He said he doesn't want his parents to know he has a problem... He lived with them for the better part of his life, they know obviously he has a problem. And his second reason was that he would no longer be able to purchase a gun.

Honestly, his parents know. And second, he threatens suicide. He should not be allowed to own a gun in the first place. He doesn't understand that he is so depressed BECAUSE of the alcohol. The alcohol isn't numbing the pain, it's making this worst.

He said he is willing to go to detox (72 hour incubation period with low dose Valium). But, I don't think he will be able to come home from that and not stop and get a 12 pack.

I don't know what to do. It just keeps getting worst.

Honestly,
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Old 08-26-2016, 04:57 PM
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Sounds like it's time for you to start taking care of YOU. You can't make someone quit drinking, and frankly, your life with him sounds pretty depressing.

I'd suggest, as a start, learning all you can about alcoholism--it's not as simple as going to rehab and getting "fixed." It is a major lifetime commitment to get sober and stay that way. There's a lot of good info in the "sticky" threads up top.

Second, I'd suggest you find an Al-Anon group and start hitting some meetings. They are for family and friends of alcoholics who have been affected by someone else's drinking. It's a good place to begin getting a handle on your own life and getting your head clear so you can make some good decisions about how you want your future to look.
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Old 08-26-2016, 05:08 PM
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Thank you for the reply. We are meeting with his parents this weekend.

I looked into Al-Anon and will start going next week. He has never been physically abusive. He has punched through walls and doors, and that is kind of nerve racking. I'm not sure how he's going to react to me talking to his mom behind his back... I guess only time will tell.
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Old 08-26-2016, 07:29 PM
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Originally Posted by ConfusedDaily View Post
Thank you for the reply. We are meeting with his parents this weekend.

I looked into Al-Anon and will start going next week. He has never been physically abusive. He has punched through walls and doors, and that is kind of nerve racking. I'm not sure how he's going to react to me talking to his mom behind his back... I guess only time will tell.
Punching through walls and doors is still abuse. He may not be hitting you but he's doing it to make a statement
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Old 08-27-2016, 09:21 AM
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Yes, especially since we rent and now we have to fix everything he broke out of anger before moving out. I will update again after Sunday, that is when we are doing the intervention. Thank you for your support <3
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Old 08-27-2016, 10:11 AM
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My exA did the same, punched holes through walls and if I tried to get away from him when we were arguing he would punch through the bathroom door...

good luck with the intervention... don't forget to take care of yourself in the meantime!
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Old 08-28-2016, 07:07 PM
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The "intervention" was earlier today. He stayed mum and didn't talk much. His mother cried, his father tried to speak to him sensibly, he was just quiet. On our way home, I asked my bf if he felt betrayed/hurt. He said yes, he couldn't believe I went behind his back to talk to his parents.

It came from a good place. I wasn't trying to instigate a rift in his relationship with his parents. I just know that his mom has a world of hurt, and she probably feels better now after telling him how she feels.

He then grabbed beers at the gas station and drank while I drove. We had to stop multiple times because he had to pee. I don't know how to not be an "enabler". He was pretty upset, I feel like if he didn't stop to get beer he would have just fought the whole way home. I took him to the store right by our house so he could have enough beer to get him through the night...

We talked more when we got home. Pretty much all he had to say was I had no right to talk to his parents behind his back. He said, I was the only person who he could trust and now he has to keep his feelings buried and he couldn't tell me anymore. All I want is for him to get better and see that he has a solid support team behind him... He doesn't trust me anymore, so he drank more because he's depressed.

He's now asleep. I'm not sure how to feel anymore. I don't want to be in a relationship where there is no trust and potentially no future.

This is my every weekend - he drinks and sleeps. When he is up he just fights and then wants to have sex. I don't know how long I can do this for. I wish that he could see how many people he was hurting by killing himself slowly with each beer.
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Old 08-28-2016, 07:28 PM
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"Interventions" are very difficult to pull off successfully. I've heard of few successes where a trained interventionist isn't involved. And even with a professional they often aren't successful.

Maybe look up Al-Anon tomorrow?
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Old 08-28-2016, 07:43 PM
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Yeah. I will be going to Al-Anon on Saturday while he's at work. We see the therapist tomorrow, hopefully that will open up the doors to communication and maybe he will see my perspective.
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Old 08-29-2016, 04:54 AM
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ConfuseDaily.....I really hate to be Debbie Downer, here, but....I wouldn't count on him "seeing your perspective" in the near future. I think it is good that he is willing to see the therapist...and, even more so, if he is depressed.
Perhaps the therapist can have some influence with him.
He is being driven by a powerful disease, right now. He will be inclined to see anyone who is coming between him and his ability to drink freely, as the "enemy". It actually isn't personal (it may feel like it)....it is about the fear of giving up the thing that allows him to function and deal with his feelings. At this point, it feels like he needs alcohol to even feel "normal"....and, he may even require alcohol in order to keep withdrawl symptoms away (physical addiction).

You do have to think about yourself, at this point. Even a counselor for yourself, in addition to alanon, might be a good idea.
I know you are trying hard...but, in the end, you don't have any control over him...and the disease is powerful. You do have control over yourself and what happens to you, though.....

I hope you will continue to post and let us know how you are doing....
You are not alone....
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Old 08-29-2016, 05:27 AM
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Ditto what dandy said. He might SAY he can see your perspective (and actually, he MIGHT see a bit of it), but the disease is much more powerful. It's not a matter of whether he wants to please you or for you to be happy--he may want that, and still be unable/unwilling to do what it requires of him. That's pretty much why I suggested learning a lot about alcoholism. It isn't so you can "fix" him or facilitate his getting sober--it's so you will understand what you are dealing with.

One important thing to know right off the bat, is that alcoholics cannot feel anything approaching "normal" without drinking. If you take that away--even if he commits to it--and nothing else changes, he will be miserable and unhappy unless and until he finds a way to live sober happily. And that generally requires a major overhaul of his entire being.

So it isn't as simple as getting him to see your perspective or be "reasonable" or "fair"--at this point I'd keep your hopes and expectations very low, because HE sees nothing wrong with his drinking. He only sees a bunch of people ganging up on him, trying to tell him how to live his life.
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Old 08-30-2016, 10:00 AM
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Thank you Dandylion and LexieCat for your advise. We went and saw the therapist yesterday and it put things into perspective FOR ME! It was unfair for me to go behind his back and talk to his parents. I should have consulted with him first.

He was off work yesterday and I was amazed when I get home from work. The house was clean, no beer bottles everywhere, laundry was done, dinner was made... I think he is really trying and I may be giving him the benefit of the doubt. But, I honestly do think things will change.

And yes, he's scared. He doesn't know anything other than to come home and drink/drink all weekend long. He's been doing this for the better part of his life. He needs to fill his life with positive things... working on cars/motorcycles, going to the gym, taking our dog on a walk.. Not just coming home and drinking. It's depressing and I think therapy is helping both of us understand everything.
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Old 08-30-2016, 10:10 AM
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Well, I'm glad he's behaving better. The thing is, alcoholism is progressive, so until/unless he is ready to quit drinking for GOOD, and to do the hard work it takes to get there, it won't last.

It's not just a matter of adopting a "healthy lifestyle"--that's a RESULT of sobriety, but alcoholism is a much more complicated thing than that.

Not out to bring you down, just to give you a dose of reality so you don't feel horribly hurt when it all goes south. I hope you're doing some reading up on alcoholism.
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Old 08-30-2016, 10:18 AM
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ConfusedDaily....I don't intend to contradict anyones therapist....but, correct me if I am wrong.....his parents already "knew", didn't they? but he was under the I mpression that they didn't know?
He wanted to keep the "secret " from them......
Well, it seems to me that the cat has really been out of the bag for some time...and, he was just trying to keep his track covered.....

Maybe I have some twisted understanding...but, in an intervention...the person is not typically let in on all the plans...?
"I would l ike to get your permission and blessing and permission to talk to your parents before we all plan an intervention for you"......whaaaat?
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Old 08-30-2016, 10:22 AM
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CD - I will pray that your A will do different than mine.

Having a child with an A (myself) is devastating. Please think about how he affects you now, and do not consider having a child with an actively drinking A. That is my advice.

My story is that I am currently living with an A who is the father of my child. He has been an A the entire time I have known him. I am now getting away from him forever. Living with another person's addiction is not fun. It is a waste of LIFE. I wasted almost 10 years 'trying to help' someone that does not want help. I cannot force the A to think responsibly like I do. I wasted my entire 30's period of my life on him. I met him when I was 31, full of life, career goals, dreams of owning a home, dreams of having a family, on HIS alcoholism.

My A also has a persistent mother who has made the A in my life my problem. Let me rephrase, I have allowed his mother to make him my problem. You know why she has always supported me when talking about his problems and sympathized with me? Because SHE doesn't want to take care of him anymore. Sometimes family members will get caught up in the web because it is easier to make YOU feel like YOU can do something to save someone else. The entire paradigm of living with an active A is not normal. It isn't fun. It isn't healthy.

Nobody here can or will tell you explicitly what to do. I can assure you though, if you don't get out, and you come back here, the likelihood that you will be reading your old posts and the story will sound basically the same is about 95%. I reread things I posted in 2011 and not one dang thing has changed with the A. Not ONE. The only thing that has changed is my resolve to finally see the truth and accept it and to get away for good.

Please go thru and read people's stories. They speak the truth that you seek. You will see that many of the stories are the same, just different players. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
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Old 08-30-2016, 10:31 AM
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ConfusedDaily....in addition to the thousands of real life stories, here on Sr....I highly recommend that you do some daily reading in the stickies at the top of the main page....
(Look for the little pictures of locks on the left hand side of the main page, above the threads.
I suggest the o ne titled---"Classic Reading".
That contains more concentrated information and wisdom about alcoholism and copdependency that you can find anywhere....
It is a virtual bootcamp of knowledge...
Knowledge is power......
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Old 08-30-2016, 10:48 AM
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Having a child with an A (myself) is devastating. Please think about how he affects you now, and do not consider having a child with an actively drinking A. That is my advice.

Agree. 100%
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Old 08-30-2016, 10:54 AM
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confused, im hoping he is changing NOW into tbe man he should be, but want to give you fair warning:
dam straight i changed my ways and acted like the man i should have been all along when the heat was on. but given time- right back at the insanity.
the motive was all wrong- i didnt stop drinking for me.

im glad therapy is helping. im hopin he'll look into aa and start going to meetings- not just attend one and say it aint for him, but seriously look into it- read the big book and other literature and attend different meetings- id suggest AT least 3 meetings a week for a month,preferrably a few different meetings.
reads like he might like the solution aa has .

HOWEVER

you MUST take care of you.
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Old 09-12-2016, 06:39 PM
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Hey guys,

Thank you for all the love and support. Just to clarify some things:

Yes, his parents knew. They just chose not to say anything/do anything to help him... Not their fault, I think everyone turns a blind eye when they see things they don't want to see. The therapist said (in my meeting with her and myself alone) that I did the right thing. He is now going to be held accountable for his actions.

We do not have children together, and never will. We both dislike children.

UPDATE:
He went to detox, he was supposed to check in on Friday. However, the facility where I made his appointment didn't take him. So, I talked to the therapist (luckily, she is available 24/7 through text). She then made him an appointment for Saturday at 0900 an hour away from where we live. We wake up early and go. They take him in and I drive myself to my parents house. I can't stand being in an empty house all alone (we do have a pupperson). I also called his work and let them know that he will be in detox/rehab, and he will not be in this week.

Around 4PM he calls me from the rehab/detox facility and says he doesn't need to be here. I then texted the therapist and she said don't answer if he calls again.

Sunday around 1PM he calls and I missed it. He called again around 4PM and says he's being released/discharged. And I'm like okay, I will come get you. I then (out of caution) text the therapist and tell her this. She said they DO NOT DISCHARGE patients on Sundays.... Especially not Sunday night. I was about 4 hours away at this time. I start driving back to the area where we live. And the therapist sent me the # for the facility. I call and got a hold of the nurse that was taking care of him and she was CONFUSED! He was not being discharged, he wanted to leave on his own will. So I tell her to please have him call me.

He calls and says he doesn't need to be here, he's being discharged. I told him that the therapist confirmed with his nurse that he is not being discharged... He is leaving on his own will. I told him I will not be picking him up, he needs to stay there. He says back that he will hitchhike back to our house -_____-.

By now its like 6PM, starting to get dark and he TEXTS me from his phone. He left the facility. We go back and forth, he hung up on me multiple times and its now 8PM. I come home and throw away all of his beer bottles, all the trash. Then I feel bad for leaving him out in the streets so I call him and apologize. I talked him into checking back in and they said no to him coming back. They told him he only needed a bed to crash for the night and that he doesn't want help.

I go and pick him up. He feels like a complete failure, he is pale and heartbroken. He looked very fatigued. We talked about a plan the whole way home. He said this is the longest time he has been sober, it's going to take a lot of willpower to keep going. And, I wholeheartedly agree with him.

We met with the therapist this morning. He needs to continue to be sober for 30+ days before she can evaluate if he has a mental issues or not. I am really hoping that this is it. He is just done...

His work also called him and told him he is no longer allowed to use any of the company vehicles, forklifts and things of that nature. They will watch him count his cash drawer.... They will pretty much babysit him and of course, that blow-back fell on me. I'm the most terrible person because I didn't want him to lose his job for not calling/not showing up. I feel like there is no winning
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Old 09-12-2016, 08:45 PM
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There's only "no winning" as long as you keep playing the game.

You can decide to stop any time. That is the ONLY way YOU win.

It's pretty clear to me he's not ready to quit drinking. It's pretty clear to everyone else, too--the therapist, the rehab, his employer, his parents. You may think of yourself as some kind of hero for "believing in him," but there's nothing heroic about believing in a fantasy.

In between interceding with his therapist, the rehab, being at his beck and call when he decides he doesn't "need" rehab, what have you been doing for YOURSELF? Why not invest your effort into something that will give you a good return on your time, energy, and emotions?
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