thousandwords53

Another thought, on myself, I need to stop acting.
I try to hard to keep things upbeat and happy.
Which is how I started participating with him. No conflict. Happy times.
But it contradicts my bigger vision for the family, my own boundaries.
So that feeds my guilt when he is so smitten and happy (because no-one is stopping him from things going his way) - I am thinking about a future without him. I feel like I am living a double life, in a way. Just to keep the peace, and hold out hope. (but this pattern I'm in never stops)

dandylion

thousandwords.....If you read through the thousands and thousands of real life stories on this forum...you will see that it is not uncommon for people to stay in the "pattern" that you describe for 20...30...40...yrs...and, yes, even longer, in some cases......

thousandwords53

Almost at the 20 year mark....yup. Don't want to be by 30. Correction: I won't be.

Maudcat

Thousandwords53. I have been reading through your thoughtful posts. You are clearly thinking things through. I posted this earlier, will repeat for the last time. promise. Please go to Al-Anon. Everyone in the groups have grappled with the things you are now experiencing. There is a TON of wisdom in the Al-Anon rooms. Sober Recovery is a brilliant source as well. I grew up with alcoholism. It colors your adult life in ways I can't even begin to describe. No one wants that for their kids. If a face to face meeting is difficult, Al-Anon has online meetings. Good luck.

firebolt

The acting is tough. If we want a happy life, we can't run around hurt and angry all the time. If we want to live OUR lives by OUR standards and have a GENUINELY happy life, well then faking that everything is ok, and just making a good day out of a situation we don't want to be in only works for a while.

It sounds like you are pretty good at detaching....but working our butts off to keep the peace is exhausting, like treading water rather than swimming to new destinations, and over time leads to thoroughly unauthentic living. You see it all....changing it is the hard part. And I can't imagine how hard it would be with marriage, kids, joint property...all that.

I just know that for most of us here, that nagging voice that says "this isn't for me" at some point gets so loud that we can't suppress it anymore. I got so I would recoil if XABF touched me. *shudder* And spent another year dreaming of better things before I took action. (((HUGS)))

dandylion

thousandwords....I sent you a Private Message.
Check for the blinking black box at the top right hand of the page

DesertEyes

Here you go

Adult Children of Alcoholics

Al-anon has meetings that focus on just ACoA issues, but those are tricky to find. Sometimes they indicate ACoA in the directory, other times you have to actually show up to see what the meeting is focused on.

http://www.al-anon.org/find-a-meeting

Mike

Praying

My friend got out of her marriage about three years ago (shortly after me). She has one son, now 19, who is BURIED in therapy, furious with her "happy, brush it off, bright side" outlook all those years, trying to unravel his childhood. Yet in other ways he can't be furious with her, because she was so deeply hurt too, and they only had/have each other, and he worries about her...

It breaks my heart to watch him struggle. He's actually been staying at my house the last few weeks as he's working through it all.

She's one of my best friends and it also breaks my heart to watch her--I know she was doing her best to hold it all together. I've been there too.

Mine was 18 years, hers 25. Lots stay a long time, and we all have baggage on the other side. I still say that staying upbeat and strong is the right way to be...but also to make sure you treat your kids to reality.