Mind dump
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 91
You're not an idiot, TW. But living with someone who is sick with the illness of active addiction will eventually make you sick in your own individual way.I reccomend Alanon to you because it works for me and many others who find themselves in these predicaments. One of their saying is "Nothing changes if nothing changes." In your situation it will probably will be you that has to initiate any healthful change for you and especially for your beloved children. Huge hugs to you all.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'm an idiot and my kids are paying for it.
I admit, this brought back awful memories of my AF getting us out of bed at night to clean when he felt we hadn't done our chores properly. As a child it was beyond confusing, not understanding that his crazy behavior was the result of him being blasted out of his mind on a mixture of alcohol and cocaine. There's no feeling of security when this kind of insanity literally drags you out of bed at night with no warning.
You've done this before, you've already proven you can do it again!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
thousandwords.....by any chance, did you grow up having to be the "peacemaker" in the family...? Or, have to protect and care for someone---more than a child should have on their shoulders?
Just a question for you to think about....(I am just spitballing, here)......
don't waste too much time beating yourself up! That takes a lot of energy and pulls y ou down.
Use the energy to hitch up the wagons and move westward.....
dandylion
Just a question for you to think about....(I am just spitballing, here)......
don't waste too much time beating yourself up! That takes a lot of energy and pulls y ou down.
Use the energy to hitch up the wagons and move westward.....
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by dandylion 
thousandwords.....by any chance, did you grow up having to be the "peacemaker" in the family...? Or, have to protect and care for someone---more than a child should have on their shoulders?
Just a question for you to think about....(I am just spitballing, here)......
don't waste too much time beating yourself up! That takes a lot of energy and pulls y ou down.
Use the energy to hitch up the wagons and move westward.....
dandylion
Just a question for you to think about....(I am just spitballing, here)......
don't waste too much time beating yourself up! That takes a lot of energy and pulls y ou down.
Use the energy to hitch up the wagons and move westward.....
dandylion
and LOL- to your moving westward comment
and to reply to the others above, I know I'm not an idiot. Quite the contrary, I am just mad at myself because here I am in the same position I was a year ago.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Please, if you can (hard with kids) go to an al-anon meeting, or two or three or fifteen. I cannot say enough about that fellowship's ability to help people who are troubled by a family member's drinking to learn the strategies to help them cope. Whether you stay or go, Al-Anon can help.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Hi...I just wanted to share my experience...so very similar! It was night after night. I have two boys two years apart, and I kept the peace, tried to smooth out his outbursts, believed in parenting quietly through respect instead of fear...
I didn't leave for good until mine were 11 and 13. The 13 year old was starting to exhibit some of his dad's behavior, and I was so afraid he'd turn out like his dad. I spent most of my time trying to avoid XAH's angry outbursts and protect the kids, and in the end I was so strung out I didn't even recognize myself.
If I could rewind and make a different decision while they were younger, I'd give anything. I wasn't protecting them.
However, 3.5 years after I left and moved eastward with the boys (1,000 miles back home--sorry, was already west lol), they are fantastic.
I know you know this, but the beauty of a calm house for kids tops just about everything. I could cry in thanks for what we have now--and they're amazing kids. I don't ever have to raise my voice, because they respect and love me. There are times I still have to kick them in the pants, but hey, they're teens. They grin and do it, even when they grumble.
I just watched the nail in the head video and laughed at how incredibly OBVIOUS the problem was (in hindsight), but how hard and elusive the solution seemed for so long.
Just sayin- I don't know your story that well, but you sure sound like the kind of mom who will thrive and rock it if you hitch those wagons back up.
Hugs to you!
I didn't leave for good until mine were 11 and 13. The 13 year old was starting to exhibit some of his dad's behavior, and I was so afraid he'd turn out like his dad. I spent most of my time trying to avoid XAH's angry outbursts and protect the kids, and in the end I was so strung out I didn't even recognize myself.
If I could rewind and make a different decision while they were younger, I'd give anything. I wasn't protecting them.
However, 3.5 years after I left and moved eastward with the boys (1,000 miles back home--sorry, was already west lol), they are fantastic.
I know you know this, but the beauty of a calm house for kids tops just about everything. I could cry in thanks for what we have now--and they're amazing kids. I don't ever have to raise my voice, because they respect and love me. There are times I still have to kick them in the pants, but hey, they're teens. They grin and do it, even when they grumble.
I just watched the nail in the head video and laughed at how incredibly OBVIOUS the problem was (in hindsight), but how hard and elusive the solution seemed for so long.
Just sayin- I don't know your story that well, but you sure sound like the kind of mom who will thrive and rock it if you hitch those wagons back up.
Hugs to you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by Praying
Hi...I just wanted to share my experience...so very similar! It was night after night. I have two boys two years apart, and I kept the peace, tried to smooth out his outbursts, believed in parenting quietly through respect instead of fear...
I didn't leave for good until mine were 11 and 13. The 13 year old was starting to exhibit some of his dad's behavior, and I was so afraid he'd turn out like his dad. I spent most of my time trying to avoid XAH's angry outbursts and protect the kids, and in the end I was so strung out I didn't even recognize myself.
If I could rewind and make a different decision while they were younger, I'd give anything. I wasn't protecting them.
However, 3.5 years after I left and moved eastward with the boys (1,000 miles back home--sorry, was already west lol), they are fantastic.
I know you know this, but the beauty of a calm house for kids tops just about everything. I could cry in thanks for what we have now--and they're amazing kids. I don't ever have to raise my voice, because they respect and love me. There are times I still have to kick them in the pants, but hey, they're teens. They grin and do it, even when they grumble.
I just watched the nail in the head video and laughed at how incredibly OBVIOUS the problem was (in hindsight), but how hard and elusive the solution seemed for so long.
Just sayin- I don't know your story that well, but you sure sound like the kind of mom who will thrive and rock it if you hitch those wagons back up.
Hugs to you!
I didn't leave for good until mine were 11 and 13. The 13 year old was starting to exhibit some of his dad's behavior, and I was so afraid he'd turn out like his dad. I spent most of my time trying to avoid XAH's angry outbursts and protect the kids, and in the end I was so strung out I didn't even recognize myself.
If I could rewind and make a different decision while they were younger, I'd give anything. I wasn't protecting them.
However, 3.5 years after I left and moved eastward with the boys (1,000 miles back home--sorry, was already west lol), they are fantastic.
I know you know this, but the beauty of a calm house for kids tops just about everything. I could cry in thanks for what we have now--and they're amazing kids. I don't ever have to raise my voice, because they respect and love me. There are times I still have to kick them in the pants, but hey, they're teens. They grin and do it, even when they grumble.
I just watched the nail in the head video and laughed at how incredibly OBVIOUS the problem was (in hindsight), but how hard and elusive the solution seemed for so long.
Just sayin- I don't know your story that well, but you sure sound like the kind of mom who will thrive and rock it if you hitch those wagons back up.
Hugs to you!
I am so so so happy to hear of your situation now that you are on the "other side" of things. Makes it seem not so scary and unknown.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by thousandwords53
Praying:
Also- what video do you mention above? I think I need to watch it
Also- what video do you mention above? I think I need to watch it
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by LexieCat
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Mind dump new entry:
I really appreciate this forum in allowing to brain dump my thoughts here.
I have a hard time recognizing warning signs in the moment, and always figure things out in retrospect. I am seeing waves/patterns when I start to lurk again. And when I start to change my healthy habits and self sabotage...
This seasonal transition is always tough in our house. The Holidays bring up un-fun emotions. Starting to feel that coming on. AH spends most of his time in his recliner, zoned out on tv or his phone. Just kind of in the background while life goes on. Very strange.
I have been noticing my own strength being weakened:
I am losing motivation/interest in my own hobbies- allowing anything to be an excuse to not participate.
I am drinking to "hang" with AH. Not drinking much, but a drink or two on the weekends- I normally just don't partake. But it has become "our thing" again- watching a movie/the news etc...Also we are switching to hard drinks and less beer. (Harder to keep track of?)
I feel love-bombed a bit- AH now wants to join MY GYM and go the time I go. (after showing disinterest when I share my accomplishments there)
The gym is MY TIME. He HATES hearing what I share about that place, shuts me down, and gets jealous/suspicious of my new friendships I had made there (including some men) I feel like he is picking my location so he can control it somehow...but am I being paranoid? I dunno...or maybe I do know.
Just had to post to maintain sanity. Appreciate you all!
I really appreciate this forum in allowing to brain dump my thoughts here.
I have a hard time recognizing warning signs in the moment, and always figure things out in retrospect. I am seeing waves/patterns when I start to lurk again. And when I start to change my healthy habits and self sabotage...
This seasonal transition is always tough in our house. The Holidays bring up un-fun emotions. Starting to feel that coming on. AH spends most of his time in his recliner, zoned out on tv or his phone. Just kind of in the background while life goes on. Very strange.
I have been noticing my own strength being weakened:
I am losing motivation/interest in my own hobbies- allowing anything to be an excuse to not participate.
I am drinking to "hang" with AH. Not drinking much, but a drink or two on the weekends- I normally just don't partake. But it has become "our thing" again- watching a movie/the news etc...Also we are switching to hard drinks and less beer. (Harder to keep track of?)
I feel love-bombed a bit- AH now wants to join MY GYM and go the time I go. (after showing disinterest when I share my accomplishments there)
The gym is MY TIME. He HATES hearing what I share about that place, shuts me down, and gets jealous/suspicious of my new friendships I had made there (including some men) I feel like he is picking my location so he can control it somehow...but am I being paranoid? I dunno...or maybe I do know.
Just had to post to maintain sanity. Appreciate you all!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Sounds like not much has changed. Rearranged a bit, but not actually changed.
And he wants to start infringing on that. Does not seem like a positive.
So you normally don't drink, but have started doing so in order to spend time with your alcoholic husband. Also does not seem like a positive.
I don't know, all the "we" talk in your post makes me think you're still pretty enmeshed with him. Like for some reason you don't feel totally comfortable doing things on your own without his approval.
The thing is, he is never going to approve of anything that shakes up the status quo of him sitting in his recliner drinking and zoning out and feeling free to verbally and emotionally abuse the family on a whim. He's not going to approve of anything that gives you a measure of independence from the unhealthy dynamics of your marriage. He's perfectly happy with the way things are. He gets to sit and drink and everyone else in the house just kind of tiptoes around trying not to upset him, or scrambles to appease him when he has a meltdown. Pretty good deal. For him. All except that pesky time alone you're having at the gym. Meeting new people, getting out of your rut. Gotta nip that in the bud. Better you stay home and drink with him.
Have you looked into Al Anon meetings? Or CoDA? Or Celebrate Recovery? This isn't going to fix itself, and your husband has no incentive to want any real changes. All of his needs are being met. All the time. By everyone in the house. Because you are all living in fear, tiptoeing around on eggshells and caretaking his every whim.
The gym is MY TIME.
I am drinking to "hang" with AH. Not drinking much, but a drink or two on the weekends- I normally just don't partake. But it has become "our thing" again- watching a movie/the news etc...Also we are switching to hard drinks and less beer.
I don't know, all the "we" talk in your post makes me think you're still pretty enmeshed with him. Like for some reason you don't feel totally comfortable doing things on your own without his approval.
The thing is, he is never going to approve of anything that shakes up the status quo of him sitting in his recliner drinking and zoning out and feeling free to verbally and emotionally abuse the family on a whim. He's not going to approve of anything that gives you a measure of independence from the unhealthy dynamics of your marriage. He's perfectly happy with the way things are. He gets to sit and drink and everyone else in the house just kind of tiptoes around trying not to upset him, or scrambles to appease him when he has a meltdown. Pretty good deal. For him. All except that pesky time alone you're having at the gym. Meeting new people, getting out of your rut. Gotta nip that in the bud. Better you stay home and drink with him.
Have you looked into Al Anon meetings? Or CoDA? Or Celebrate Recovery? This isn't going to fix itself, and your husband has no incentive to want any real changes. All of his needs are being met. All the time. By everyone in the house. Because you are all living in fear, tiptoeing around on eggshells and caretaking his every whim.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
thousandwowords......wouldn't you like for the children to have a few peaceful and warm Christmases as their childhood memories, before adolescent years?
They will carry these h oliday memories with them for their whole lifetimes.
When adolescent years hit...things will change quite a bit. They are still so innocent and see you as a golden person on a pedestal, right now....these are called the "golden years" of childhood for a reason...lol.....Don't let these precious years slip through your hands...because of his disease.....
I wonder if you have considered going to Adult Children of Alcoholics, yet. from your history..you do qualify. I believe that it would be a real eye opener for you...as well as validating so much of your life...and, give you a sneak preview of what is in store for your own kids.....
What if you start going to a place that, almost always, women, only, go to...
Like a knitting class or a crafting group....just some place that he would feel socially uncomfortable....
Everybody needs a hobby (in addition to their therapy). A female dance class would be good.....like a belly dancing class.
You need your own time!!!!
They will carry these h oliday memories with them for their whole lifetimes.
When adolescent years hit...things will change quite a bit. They are still so innocent and see you as a golden person on a pedestal, right now....these are called the "golden years" of childhood for a reason...lol.....Don't let these precious years slip through your hands...because of his disease.....
I wonder if you have considered going to Adult Children of Alcoholics, yet. from your history..you do qualify. I believe that it would be a real eye opener for you...as well as validating so much of your life...and, give you a sneak preview of what is in store for your own kids.....
What if you start going to a place that, almost always, women, only, go to...
Like a knitting class or a crafting group....just some place that he would feel socially uncomfortable....
Everybody needs a hobby (in addition to their therapy). A female dance class would be good.....like a belly dancing class.
You need your own time!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
Sounds like not much has changed. Rearranged a bit, but not actually changed.
And he wants to start infringing on that. Does not seem like a positive.
So you normally don't drink, but have started doing so in order to spend time with your alcoholic husband. Also does not seem like a positive.
I don't know, all the "we" talk in your post makes me think you're still pretty enmeshed with him. Like for some reason you don't feel totally comfortable doing things on your own without his approval.
The thing is, he is never going to approve of anything that shakes up the status quo of him sitting in his recliner drinking and zoning out and feeling free to verbally and emotionally abuse the family on a whim. He's not going to approve of anything that gives you a measure of independence from the unhealthy dynamics of your marriage. He's perfectly happy with the way things are. He gets to sit and drink and everyone else in the house just kind of tiptoes around trying not to upset him, or scrambles to appease him when he has a meltdown. Pretty good deal. For him. All except that pesky time alone you're having at the gym. Meeting new people, getting out of your rut. Gotta nip that in the bud. Better you stay home and drink with him.
Have you looked into Al Anon meetings? Or CoDA? Or Celebrate Recovery? This isn't going to fix itself, and your husband has no incentive to want any real changes. All of his needs are being met. All the time. By everyone in the house. Because you are all living in fear, tiptoeing around on eggshells and caretaking his every whim.
And he wants to start infringing on that. Does not seem like a positive.
So you normally don't drink, but have started doing so in order to spend time with your alcoholic husband. Also does not seem like a positive.
I don't know, all the "we" talk in your post makes me think you're still pretty enmeshed with him. Like for some reason you don't feel totally comfortable doing things on your own without his approval.
The thing is, he is never going to approve of anything that shakes up the status quo of him sitting in his recliner drinking and zoning out and feeling free to verbally and emotionally abuse the family on a whim. He's not going to approve of anything that gives you a measure of independence from the unhealthy dynamics of your marriage. He's perfectly happy with the way things are. He gets to sit and drink and everyone else in the house just kind of tiptoes around trying not to upset him, or scrambles to appease him when he has a meltdown. Pretty good deal. For him. All except that pesky time alone you're having at the gym. Meeting new people, getting out of your rut. Gotta nip that in the bud. Better you stay home and drink with him.
Have you looked into Al Anon meetings? Or CoDA? Or Celebrate Recovery? This isn't going to fix itself, and your husband has no incentive to want any real changes. All of his needs are being met. All the time. By everyone in the house. Because you are all living in fear, tiptoeing around on eggshells and caretaking his every whim.
Very great points. I hadn't noticed the "We"...that's not good I didn't notice that. This verifies the fact that I have been feeling suffocated, the enmeshment has been amped up more than I realized. Honestly, I was worried that I was treating this forum like my diary and that nothing had really changed..so why was I posting?
I bolded the paragraph that spells out our reality. Thank you. Thank you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by dandylion
thousandwowords......wouldn't you like for the children to have a few peaceful and warm Christmases as their childhood memories, before adolescent years?
They will carry these h oliday memories with them for their whole lifetimes.
When adolescent years hit...things will change quite a bit. They are still so innocent and see you as a golden person on a pedestal, right now....these are called the "golden years" of childhood for a reason...lol.....Don't let these precious years slip through your hands...because of his disease.....
I wonder if you have considered going to Adult Children of Alcoholics, yet. from your history..you do qualify. I believe that it would be a real eye opener for you...as well as validating so much of your life...and, give you a sneak preview of what is in store for your own kids.....
What if you start going to a place that, almost always, women, only, go to...
Like a knitting class or a crafting group....just some place that he would feel socially uncomfortable....
Everybody needs a hobby (in addition to their therapy). A female dance class would be good.....like a belly dancing class.
You need your own time!!!!
They will carry these h oliday memories with them for their whole lifetimes.
When adolescent years hit...things will change quite a bit. They are still so innocent and see you as a golden person on a pedestal, right now....these are called the "golden years" of childhood for a reason...lol.....Don't let these precious years slip through your hands...because of his disease.....
I wonder if you have considered going to Adult Children of Alcoholics, yet. from your history..you do qualify. I believe that it would be a real eye opener for you...as well as validating so much of your life...and, give you a sneak preview of what is in store for your own kids.....
What if you start going to a place that, almost always, women, only, go to...
Like a knitting class or a crafting group....just some place that he would feel socially uncomfortable....
Everybody needs a hobby (in addition to their therapy). A female dance class would be good.....like a belly dancing class.
You need your own time!!!!
I need to search for an ACOA meeting around my area. There aren't many resources close to me, but I need to make it a priority. He would be socially uncomfortable in any setting lol. I don't think he could hang at the gym actually. His ego is out of control and he'd find an excuse why it "didn't work" I'd almost bet money on it. But back to me---- I will refocus, and the kiddos of course. Thank you, again
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
thousandwords, if you do not feel you are able to say, "I actually prefer to go to the gym by myself," without launching World War III, then that says a great deal about your relationship that you will not be able to brush off forever.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
thousandwords, if you do not feel you are able to say, "I actually prefer to go to the gym by myself," without launching World War III, then that says a great deal about your relationship that you will not be able to brush off forever.
I have told him all these reasons.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Ugg I used to dread the holidays with XABF.
Well...I dreaded winter in general with him.
I can tell you that there is no sense of peace quite like knowing you are going to enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas with ZERO drunken drama.
No one will bail on our plans this year to get back at me for something I don't know I did. No one will expect me to be there for them, when they can't be there for me. No one will be slamming a drink Xmas morning to deal with family. There will be no argument with a drunk about who is driving. I will not be going to sleep in a room that smells like a slow death. I wont listen to a drunken rage because all of the Christmas lights don't work. I won't have to subtly separate our tree ornaments when I put them away, because the end is inevitable. I won't have an inebriated person in my way cooking dinner, prodding about "how they can help"...as they pour a four fingered vodka mixed with beer.
Life can be better TW....so much better....and you deserve that!
Well...I dreaded winter in general with him.
I can tell you that there is no sense of peace quite like knowing you are going to enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas with ZERO drunken drama.
No one will bail on our plans this year to get back at me for something I don't know I did. No one will expect me to be there for them, when they can't be there for me. No one will be slamming a drink Xmas morning to deal with family. There will be no argument with a drunk about who is driving. I will not be going to sleep in a room that smells like a slow death. I wont listen to a drunken rage because all of the Christmas lights don't work. I won't have to subtly separate our tree ornaments when I put them away, because the end is inevitable. I won't have an inebriated person in my way cooking dinner, prodding about "how they can help"...as they pour a four fingered vodka mixed with beer.
Life can be better TW....so much better....and you deserve that!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by firebolt
Ugg I used to dread the holidays with XABF.
Well...I dreaded winter in general with him.
I can tell you that there is no sense of peace quite like knowing you are going to enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas with ZERO drunken drama.
No one will bail on our plans this year to get back at me for something I don't know I did. No one will expect me to be there for them, when they can't be there for me. No one will be slamming a drink Xmas morning to deal with family. There will be no argument with a drunk about who is driving. I will not be going to sleep in a room that smells like a slow death. I wont listen to a drunken rage because all of the Christmas lights don't work. I won't have to subtly separate our tree ornaments when I put them away, because the end is inevitable. I won't have an inebriated person in my way cooking dinner, prodding about "how they can help"...as they pour a four fingered vodka mixed with beer.
Life can be better TW....so much better....and you deserve that!
Well...I dreaded winter in general with him.
I can tell you that there is no sense of peace quite like knowing you are going to enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas with ZERO drunken drama.
No one will bail on our plans this year to get back at me for something I don't know I did. No one will expect me to be there for them, when they can't be there for me. No one will be slamming a drink Xmas morning to deal with family. There will be no argument with a drunk about who is driving. I will not be going to sleep in a room that smells like a slow death. I wont listen to a drunken rage because all of the Christmas lights don't work. I won't have to subtly separate our tree ornaments when I put them away, because the end is inevitable. I won't have an inebriated person in my way cooking dinner, prodding about "how they can help"...as they pour a four fingered vodka mixed with beer.
Life can be better TW....so much better....and you deserve that!
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