Filing for divorce, part 5

Old 08-20-2016, 10:49 PM
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Filing for divorce, part 5

I'm getting very frustrated and this is all wearing me down so much.

In the last couple weeks I took a break from the custody/spousal support petition to allow my AH time to find a more permanent living situation and have a better idea what his expenses will be. He has only been looking on Craigslist in our neighborhood, one that he can't afford so of course he hasn't gotten any further.

I finally got tired of it and asked my lawyer to submit the petition to him as is. The day before she did that I let him stay at our apartment for the day while i was at work because his back went out, he took the day off work and I didn't have a problem with him resting there. I come home with our daughter to signs that he may have been drinking. Come to find out he drank whiskey. OF COURSE he claims that was the first time he's had a drop of alcohol since I filed for divorce a month and a half ago. Amazing how the times when I find out are the only times it happens!

The next day he tells me he's consulted with a lawyer and that he was told there was no way that I'd get sole custody, even in our situation. I can only guess he did not tell the lawyer the full story. He also starts in on how half our car is his, he can't afford to live anywhere, this is his home he contributed to and what makes the most sense is him moving back in so we can save money.

He's just a broken record. I am flat out telling him it's not going to happen, this divorce is going through, the marriage is over. But he keeps suggesting he just move back in. It's driving me crazy. Actually, it's just making me mad and sad. I am trying so very hard to keep things amicable for our daughter, to not put her through a bad situation. I feel like I'm giving him as much as I can and all he wants to focus on is how he doesn't want this and he should be home. He's a sad puppy dog when he's around and it's just unfair. Unfair to me because I have to be there for supervised visits and unfair to her that he's allowing this to color their time together.

My family is pushing me to take the gloves off and get serious, not to allow him over as much as he is, change the locks on the apartment, stop communicating unless it's necessary and to just split it all 50/50 right now and be done with it. And while I'd like to have the custody and financial stuff done, all I can think of is my daughter and how I don't want us to have a contentious relationship for her sake. I am standing my ground on sole custody and I will take him to court if he refuses to sign soon, but the rest of it is too hard for me to push him on.

He's not angry, he's not drunk around me...except the other day...claims he's doing his program which means nothing to me as much as I hope it will someday. He's just refusing to accept it and make plans for himself. And it's just wearing me down.

I finally got a therapist who I think will be a great help for me. But I just don't have much more fight in me beyond standing my ground on the decisions I've already made.

Thanks for listening.
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Old 08-20-2016, 11:56 PM
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I have no advise but think you are going in the right direction.
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Old 08-21-2016, 01:03 AM
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I think your parents are absolutely right. There is no placating someone like this, and he will continue to wear you down. You aren't going to "save" your daughter from "contentiousness" if you are a nervous wreck.

I would suggest following your parents' advice to the LETTER.

And, in my experience, once you take a stand, and he's done posturing and playing games, it won't be as contentious as you feared.

And BTW, I'd be shocked if he actually spoke to a lawyer at all. It's just another ploy to get you to do what he wants.
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Old 08-21-2016, 01:32 AM
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Hi FT, separation and divorce are frustrating and tedious, even when you have a spouse who is not in denial. Convince yourself that he's going to put all sorts of propositions, barriers, irrelevancies and rationalisations into the mix, and you won't be disappointed. Be prepared to deal with some ill feeling along the way. It probably won't last, but once he starts believing you're serious, he may become angry. It's likely just a stage, not pleasant but good to get it over with.

He's not in recovery, meeting or no meeting, it's just that you saw it first hand.

Probably the kindest thing you can do is cut the cord. Be decisive, don't back down and really send him the message that this is how it's going to be. He's in denial and it's not kind to feed it with mixed messages.
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Old 08-21-2016, 04:44 AM
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How frustrating, to say the least. I can relate to wanting an amicable relationship for your daughter...I would love that for my kids as well. However, I just don't see that being possible now and maybe never. I agree that I think he's lying about the lawyer. My STBAXH did that to me for months...always throwing the "my attorney said this and that" in my face. There was never an attorney. Now I've filed for divorce...serving him this week. My lawyer told me originally sole custody is hard to get but now 4 months later after he's refused to submit to a drug test and all of his erratic behavior my attorney said of course we will go for sole with supervised visits...it's clear there is no other option since he can't be alone with the kids. My advice is keep your strings tight and don't play nice...you can always loosen the strings later on if he shows improvement. It's easier this way then trying to go back and tighten them. My therapist gave me a good analogy...picture a colander...its filled with several holes. Your husband is going to keep trying to find ways through to you...to stir things up...you need to just keep plugging up the holes so he has no way to get to you and manipulate you. Stay strong...here for you!
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Old 08-21-2016, 04:58 AM
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I agree with your parents as well, stop placating him.

Its not your job to assure the relationship with your daughter to be a good one, you just don't have that kind of control. You have been lenient with him and he is taking advantage of it.
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Old 08-21-2016, 07:02 AM
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Old 08-21-2016, 07:15 AM
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you are making this WAY too easy on him. you took a break on the proceedings to give HIM time to sort things out, which he is NOT doing. you allow him to spend the day at your home and he takes advantage and DRINKS. what you see as not being contentious he sees as free rein to keep doing exactly what he wants, without consequence.

HE is not in the least concerned about how any of this affects your child.....he is not motivated to do the right thing and keep the peace between you. his prime directive is to move back in and return to HIS normal.

if you want to move forward, YOU will have to take steps. even if they are unpleasant.
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Old 08-21-2016, 08:09 AM
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I spent a year trying to pussyfoot my way through a divorce thinking that if I was reasonable about it, somehow that would be "best for the kids" and the sake of our coparenting relationship.

My xAH eventually found an attorney who took me for everything he could.

Your parents are right - don't fool yourself into thinking you can control the situation by behaving one way or another. Try to get it done, and get what you deserve. And do not let anyone try to convince you that you have no chance at sole custody.

My first legal consult (I did it while I was on maternity leave) told me to pursue sole custody and act immediately, because I was much more likely to get it when the kids were still babies. I often look back and wish I had taken than advice.
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Old 08-21-2016, 10:32 AM
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Absolutely his only focus right now is to return to HIS normal. He's not making any steps because he thinks he can convince me to make it happen.

I'm sure it's getting to the point of taking the gloves off, but it's so damn hard. I'm trying to at least get him to sign the custody petition and then I'll feel much better about becoming more hard about everything else.

This is just not me. We spent many, many years placating each other, accepting less than from each other, soothing each other's egos and trying to make each other feel better about our short comings. Learning to hold him accountable is a steep learning curve for me. I'm trying but it's damn hard. I'm proud of myself for sticking to my guns on the divorce and not allowing giving him any indication that he can move back in. That's big for me. But he keeps pushing back in little ways. Not that I can expect anything else from him.

He's a good person, a kind person, someone who is very broken and who has never known how to make things better for himself. He thinks it's my responsibility to keep my end of the deal to care for him. And it makes me feel so damn guilty.
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Old 08-21-2016, 11:20 AM
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My STBXAH too is a good person with a huge heart who has made such poor decisions that he is ruining every relationship he's ever had in his life. It's so hard to watch and I feel helpless. I hope the guilt subsides for you, because you are doing the right thing for yourself and your daughter. You shouldn't feel responsible to care for someone that isn't caring for you. He is not by any means putting you and your daughter first and he's definitely not feeling responsible to care for you. Sending you so many hugs and good vibes...I know how heartbreaking this all is. I'm smack dab in the middle of it myself.
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Old 08-26-2016, 01:21 PM
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Well, the gloves are coming off. I've asked and asked for him to give me his decision on whether or not he will sign custody. I gave on the legal custody so the order states joint legal, I have full physical with supervised visitation either by me or someone I approve, no overnight visits and no driving our daughter.

I told him I need an answer on if he is signing or not or I will file a motion with the court. The financial, the minimal assets, the spousal support I don't care about, he can have it all, I just need him to agree to custody and we can revisit once he's gotten a stable foundation of sobriety and recovery.

We sat down last night and I was expecting an answer. He started off with, let's just put everything on hold for a month. And then I just knew. I knew this would go nowhere. And round and round on why won't I do joint, how he wouldn't ever put our daughter in danger, lets just agree to 6 months and revert to joint, how I quit on our marriage, how I'm only acting out of anger, how he can't afford to live on his own and on and on. It ended with the same way it always does, him deciding he can't discuss anymore and we'll talk later.

I honestly started questioning my decision after. Maybe we should do custody mediation, maybe we could change it to joint and he has to do a breathalyzer before and after visits, maybe I'm being way too harsh, it's not as if he is drinking 24/7, he most likely won't mess this up.

And then I met with my therapist this morning. She is an addiction specialist which is very comforting to know she understands this. And she said, no, you are doing the right thing and you have to file. It will be expensive, it won't be amicable, you will have to own your feelings of guilt and second guessing, but you have to do this. And I finally knew she's right, everyone is right. There's nothing else left for me to do.

My dreams of an amicable separation, of minimizing the impact on our daughter, of him accepting responsibility and moving forward in her best interest....it's all gone. The little bit of savings I was hoping to hold on to help him with getting on his feet and for my daughter's care will now go to lawyers and court fees. And there is nothing I can do about it. I can't give anymore. I would give him anything and everything if he just signs a piece of paper that ensures our daughter is safe while he figures out his life and addiction, gets to a solid place, but also ensures that she has her dad in her life in a stable way, and we can then move forward as successful coparents. But no. And it breaks my heart.
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Old 08-26-2016, 01:30 PM
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Sorry. Someone said leaving an A is like amputating with a chainsaw.

No truer words...

Stick to your guns, keep moving forward, all that. You are not divorcing a reasonable person, and when you start to think that you are, that's YOUR sickness talking. (((HUGS)))
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Old 08-26-2016, 01:37 PM
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You're going to get over it and it's going to get better. The fact that you know you are doing the right thing proves that. I think you are so brave. To go through this mess and get him out of the house for your daughter. I wish someone would have done this for me and would do this for every child who is endangered by his or her own parent. You are doing a great job as a mother and if he is doing a crappy job as a father, that's sad... but the important thing is that your daughter can look up to you and see you as making the right decisions and leading a peaceful life, the rest is just icing on the cake. Like the possibility that one day you could meet someone else... who your daughter could also look up to.
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Old 08-26-2016, 01:52 PM
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I still don't think it necessarily will be as horrible and messy and contentious as you fear. I think there might be a lot of stuff early on, as he maybe tries to scare you out of it, but don't borrow trouble when it hasn't arrived yet. Prepare for the worst, but don't live there--it may not ever come to pass.
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Old 08-26-2016, 05:10 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
I still don't think it necessarily will be as horrible and messy and contentious as you fear. I think there might be a lot of stuff early on, as he maybe tries to scare you out of it, but don't borrow trouble when it hasn't arrived yet. Prepare for the worst, but don't live there--it may not ever come to pass.
Yes, this. Early on, XAH was ranting about how he will take me for the money, house, etc since he was a "stay - at - home dad" for years, I gently reminded him that his education level exceeds mine and DS was in full time school/daycare/aftercare. And that with his track record of rehab stays and documented substance abuse, I advised him not to fight me. I said it calmly, over and over, I had a talk with his relatives and his AA sponsor, who encouraged him to go fight me.

All his "fight" was smoke in mirrors. He either was too flaky to seek legal advice, or he had his HP come upon him that told him it was a right thing to do, but he called me and said he meditated on it, and he will sign everything. The way I had it. In the best interest of our child and myself. I am thankful for that.

There is a good chance that whether he is consumed by addiction, or early recovery, that he does not have a real fight in him.
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Old 08-26-2016, 06:59 PM
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Thank you Lexie and Nata for another perspective. That is really helpful for me tonight. There is very much a good chance that he will do the same as your XAH, Nata, and give up the fight once he sees I have gone forward with filing the motion. He doesn't have a history of actually following through on his words and I could definitely see him flaking on going through all the work it would take to actually fight me all the way to the courts.

I will just take a deep breath and deal with the blows as they come. In the meantime I will continue to gather my strength with knowing I am doing everything I believe I and my daughter deserve.
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Old 08-27-2016, 03:57 AM
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He can crow all he wants about wanting joint custody, I see someone who is manipulating for financial support. I think he is pushing your buttons hoping you will 1) cave and let him stay or 2) receive child support (drinking money) 3) Is using the custody as leverage for a better settlement.

If I were you I'd give him one chance - "You can either sign this and have the money I have put aside so you can move on with life, OR you can not sign it, we can fight it out in Court, and there won't be one penny left after I pay the attorney, you will get nothing. YOUR CHOICE".
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