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Originally Posted by CoParentToA 
I don't know that the facts will make anyone feel any better about the alimony.
I did not know he was an alcoholic. But central to the breakdown of our marriage was the fact that he refused to look for another job when it became clear that he wouldn't make more than $5-10k a year. We had by then purchased a home under the assumption that he would make at least $40k a year. He always had some excuse for why he couldn't look, the DUI on his record; the stress of infertility etc. He always claimed that being childless was the source of all his stress and unhappiness.
Well finally after so many sessions of IVF I lost count, we were having twins. And I said, "OK, you should be over the moon! Now is the time to look for a job!"
And he said he preferred to "get thru the pregnancy" first. He suggested if I was so materially focused perhaps I should get a second job. (I was an SVP at the time who worked 50-60 hours a week and budgeted so carefully that we only ate meat once a week. I was worried about losing our house. He suggested I had money issues.)
There were other factors at play to be sure but that's when I had my "are you ******* kidding me" reaction and knew the marriage was not salvageable.
That reality was shared in our legal motion, along with the fact that he had a degree from a prestigious university as well as a secondary degree that should have allowed him to easily make six figures - had he not deemed it "too stressful" to practice.
Didn't end up mattering - he got the maximum he could have expected and left the courtroom gloating. The next day I visited the kids at his apartment and remember seeing a bottle of champagne.
It bothers me all the time how much we collectively spend on support payments but my current husband always says he would gladly spend it to be married to each other. He's right of course; we have to be very careful about our spending still, but it's a lot easier when you have a true partner who's committed to working with you and within a budget.
I did not know he was an alcoholic. But central to the breakdown of our marriage was the fact that he refused to look for another job when it became clear that he wouldn't make more than $5-10k a year. We had by then purchased a home under the assumption that he would make at least $40k a year. He always had some excuse for why he couldn't look, the DUI on his record; the stress of infertility etc. He always claimed that being childless was the source of all his stress and unhappiness.
Well finally after so many sessions of IVF I lost count, we were having twins. And I said, "OK, you should be over the moon! Now is the time to look for a job!"
And he said he preferred to "get thru the pregnancy" first. He suggested if I was so materially focused perhaps I should get a second job. (I was an SVP at the time who worked 50-60 hours a week and budgeted so carefully that we only ate meat once a week. I was worried about losing our house. He suggested I had money issues.)
There were other factors at play to be sure but that's when I had my "are you ******* kidding me" reaction and knew the marriage was not salvageable.
That reality was shared in our legal motion, along with the fact that he had a degree from a prestigious university as well as a secondary degree that should have allowed him to easily make six figures - had he not deemed it "too stressful" to practice.
Didn't end up mattering - he got the maximum he could have expected and left the courtroom gloating. The next day I visited the kids at his apartment and remember seeing a bottle of champagne.
It bothers me all the time how much we collectively spend on support payments but my current husband always says he would gladly spend it to be married to each other. He's right of course; we have to be very careful about our spending still, but it's a lot easier when you have a true partner who's committed to working with you and within a budget.
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CPA, you are phenomenal and an example to all of us of fairness coupled with determination to protect your children. So glad you've found someone worthy of you.
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Originally Posted by Refiner
OMG I am STUNNED. That is a HORRIBLE situation and what a GEM your current husband is! How much longer does your ex get to play Candyland on your dime?
Last night I couldn't reach him for 40 minutes after he was supposed to pick up the twins. When I finally got him he claimed he had "lost his phone" and thought it was an hour earlier than it actually was. He picked them up over an hour late, and we had an altercation because this is EXACTLY what used to happen when he was actively drinking. He accused me of blowing it all out of proportion and overreacting.
He also managed to get a dig in on me "prioritizing my work over the kids" when I had to finish something up on Friday afternoon after we did the meet and greet at school. (He had given the nanny the afternoon off, and I told him that he should have checked with me first, because I needed coverage.)
I guess anyone who has a 9 to 5 job could be characterized as "prioritizing work over kids," no? I was done by 4:45, by the way. My husband reminded me that he was just deflecting attention by focusing on an old tension point.
I called him on not responding to my requests for his address, and he laughed and told me that he "knew I was getting worked up over that." Really? Then why not just give me the address instead of pushing my buttons? (He did finally tell me his apartment number, but not before he was all sarcastic about it and told me he was in the penthouse.)
Then this morning, last minute, he told the nanny that she didn't need to come today or tomorrow. When she said she wanted to stop by and see the kids before they started school, he said, "Not today."
This too is exactly what he used to do when he was actively drinking.
This whole thing just feels bad, bad, bad to me. Of course it's possible that all of these things are innocent and it's the past context that is making me concerned. But I know that I can no longer tell when he's lying to me, and for that reason I feel like I cannot give him the benefit of the doubt.
Going to email him and his therapist once more and then contact my attorney. I'd like to be ready to file the motion on Thursday.
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Originally Posted by CoParentToA
Going to email him and his therapist once more and then contact my attorney. I'd like to be ready to file the motion on Thursday.
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Originally Posted by Refiner
I wouldn't. What a loser who just gets a kick out of hurting you.
Also another documented case of "conflict" at pickup in case we wind up having to use that to pursue sole custody.
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Ohhhh yeahhhh... all great points! I have a question regarding child support... is the one receiving the child support supposed to prove the $ is going towards supporting said child? I've never heard of it, but just wondered. Especially in your case. When the alimony is gone in 2 years, will he be able to skate by using your child support $?
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No, because "child support" includes things like housing costs, transportation, and other expenditures that benefit the family unit. The thing is, to require strict documentation of the expenditure of every penny in child support would be a hardship for ANY parent with primary custody--many of whom are moms. It wouldn't make sense--this is an argument many would-be deadbeat parents make to try to avoid their obligations.
Sure, there might be some people who aren't responsible with their money, period, or who spend money on themselves at the expense of their kids. That's lousy parenting, but there's a limit to how much power courts should have over people's individual lifestyles, just because they happen to be divorced and have a child in common.
Sure, there might be some people who aren't responsible with their money, period, or who spend money on themselves at the expense of their kids. That's lousy parenting, but there's a limit to how much power courts should have over people's individual lifestyles, just because they happen to be divorced and have a child in common.
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Originally Posted by Refiner
I have a question regarding child support... is the one receiving the child support supposed to prove the $ is going towards supporting said child? I've never heard of it, but just wondered. Especially in your case. When the alimony is gone in 2 years, will he be able to skate by using your child support $?
On the other hand, the law states that the expectation is that both parents have a responsibility to financially provide for their children - so legally he should not be able to "skate by" using just support payments. The court would not look favorably upon him if it was clear he was not self-sufficient.
It doesn't matter much now, because the court has no visibility to what he is doing, but if he were to take me to court to increase the child support he receives from me (which he could in fact do, since I'm making much more now than I did when we divorced), we would argue against the increase on the basis that he has not yet taken steps to become self-supporting.
At the current child support amount, he could indeed "skate by" if he was smart about it, but he would have to move into a less expensive place (which by the way is totally possible in our area - but he just moved and didn't opt to do that, instead moving into a building that is literally CONNECTED to the store where he used to buy his booze) to successfully do that.
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OMFG.
I just got a call from our nanny. This morning, xAH called her to tell her that he wouldn't be needing her any more. Maybe I would, but he will not.
First: the JPA doesn't allow him to fire her without talking to me (I think).
Second: on FRIDAY he was telling the kindergarten teachers that she would be picking them up. So this all changed after our episode on Sunday. He knows that she's the one who is going to be most likely to notice if he's drinking.
Third: she's been with the twins since they were babies and she's totally worried about them.
I need to calm down and think through what to do next, other than continue pursuing a legal motion...
I just got a call from our nanny. This morning, xAH called her to tell her that he wouldn't be needing her any more. Maybe I would, but he will not.
First: the JPA doesn't allow him to fire her without talking to me (I think).
Second: on FRIDAY he was telling the kindergarten teachers that she would be picking them up. So this all changed after our episode on Sunday. He knows that she's the one who is going to be most likely to notice if he's drinking.
Third: she's been with the twins since they were babies and she's totally worried about them.
I need to calm down and think through what to do next, other than continue pursuing a legal motion...
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I think it may be time to pursue a legal motion...call the nanny and explain the situation and send him a simple note stating just what you wrote: "The JPA does not allow you to fire the nanny without talking to me. What you did was a violation of the order and it's noted. I've spoken with her and she is not fired. Have a nice day."
Just my thoughts...
Just my thoughts...
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OMFG is right.
Breathe. Take two aspirin and call your lawyer in the morning. What a shame all this has to happen right when the kids are starting school. Ugh. I'd give the teachers a call (and the principal, as well), and let them know what's up. Maybe they can keep a special eye out on his apparent condition and make a report if he tries to pick them up when he's been drinking.
Breathe. Take two aspirin and call your lawyer in the morning. What a shame all this has to happen right when the kids are starting school. Ugh. I'd give the teachers a call (and the principal, as well), and let them know what's up. Maybe they can keep a special eye out on his apparent condition and make a report if he tries to pick them up when he's been drinking.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
I'd give the teachers a call (and the principal, as well), and let them know what's up. Maybe they can keep a special eye out on his apparent condition and make a report if he tries to pick them up when he's been drinking.
The nanny told me that he told her that his sister would be watching them, he was going to bring them up to her to watch the older cousins activities (think sports practices). ??
She and I have had an up and down relationship and most recently she thought I was overreacting when he decided to stop monitoring. But I'm tempted to text her and ask if she's aware of this plan.
Should I call him and try to figure out if he's drinking now with them?
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Originally Posted by CoParentToA
Should I call him and try to figure out if he's drinking now with them?
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Is it generally apparent to you when he's been drinking?
The one time I called for a welfare check, the police told me that he didn't seem drunk. I don't know if that's because I had by then been outside his apartment for three hours or if he was just high functioning, and the police officer told me he didn't know either.
I just double checked my MSA, and I don't think it's going to help. It says only that we agree to continue to share the cost for a nanny to allow us each to work 40 hours 9 am to 5 pm - so perhaps I could use that clause to say that it would be illegal for him to now suddenly say he doesn't need coverage during those hours? I'll have to check with my attorney for his opinion on whether I would have a case legally.
It may be that we are back to the motion to secure court-ordered monitoring. Although the more confident I am that he is relapsing, the more I want to pursue sole custody.
The nanny is saying she is now willing to go to court and testify - she's backed out in the past. But of course, now that he's gone and ended her employment, his attorney will use that to discredit her as a witness...
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Fair enough advice, LexieCat, thanks for being a level head while my amygdala was blowing up last night.
I emailed my attorney. They will have a draft of the motion to review tonight and said we should be able to file it by Thursday. I'm not going to address the situation with the nanny with him or anyone else until Wednesday - I want to get the twins dropped off at their first day of school before stirring anything else up. I'll address it with him right after they head in.
I also just spoke with the school nurse to bring her up to speed on the situation - she's the one who monitors absences each day and calls parents if kids are not in school. She was GREAT and was going to draft a note to bring the principal and both teachers into the loop on our agreed course of action. I hung up feeling very supported.
So far today, he's not responded to any of my school-related texts, which is unusual.
I emailed my attorney. They will have a draft of the motion to review tonight and said we should be able to file it by Thursday. I'm not going to address the situation with the nanny with him or anyone else until Wednesday - I want to get the twins dropped off at their first day of school before stirring anything else up. I'll address it with him right after they head in.
I also just spoke with the school nurse to bring her up to speed on the situation - she's the one who monitors absences each day and calls parents if kids are not in school. She was GREAT and was going to draft a note to bring the principal and both teachers into the loop on our agreed course of action. I hung up feeling very supported.
So far today, he's not responded to any of my school-related texts, which is unusual.
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LOL. And here he is, finally texting me back:
"I'm politely asking you to allow me my space."
Um, ok. Just trying to make sure we are set for the first day of school tomorrow. You can tell the court that I am "harassing" you via two texts about making sure your daughter has her new backpack and a pair of gym shoes that fit.
This is all the same kind of thing he used to do before he went into treatment for the first time. He'd start some fight, and then when I texted back and said something he didn't like, he'd indicate that if I didn't stop texting him, he would file a motion to accuse me of harassment.
I'm going to speak with both of my attorneys later today. I am really weighing the possibility of a custody motion to go along with the request for court-ordered monitoring; but I would like to get the partner's take on that.
"I'm politely asking you to allow me my space."
Um, ok. Just trying to make sure we are set for the first day of school tomorrow. You can tell the court that I am "harassing" you via two texts about making sure your daughter has her new backpack and a pair of gym shoes that fit.
This is all the same kind of thing he used to do before he went into treatment for the first time. He'd start some fight, and then when I texted back and said something he didn't like, he'd indicate that if I didn't stop texting him, he would file a motion to accuse me of harassment.
I'm going to speak with both of my attorneys later today. I am really weighing the possibility of a custody motion to go along with the request for court-ordered monitoring; but I would like to get the partner's take on that.
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Sometimes it pays to seek something a bit more than what you're willing to settle for. If you seek full custody you can always compromise and settle for the continued monitoring. Very hard to up your demand after asking for something less.
If you seek full custody, and lay out your reasons, the court (and he) might be more inclined to the court-ordered monitoring, and if that doesn't play out, you will already have a leg up on your next move.
If you seek full custody, and lay out your reasons, the court (and he) might be more inclined to the court-ordered monitoring, and if that doesn't play out, you will already have a leg up on your next move.
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The partner is concerned that xAH just hides his drinking so well. He's been in a similar situation against xAH's attorney and knows his defense will simply be, "she's crazy, there's no problem at all here."
He wants to make sure that our initial legal action is strong, so my guess is that he will want to keep it to the court-ordered monitoring.
We'll have to give his attorney notice of the emergency motion tomorrow, which means at earliest we would be filing something on Friday.
I did ask about the nanny as a witness, and he said he would rather not use her - both because she could be discredited as bitter because he recently fired her and also because English is her second language and she's a little circular in the way she answers questions. It's a bit of cultural thing, but you have to ask her a few times and in a few different ways to make sure you are getting a straight answer from her. That could spell disaster in court if she was facing the pit bull attorney.
Instead we are going to write and have her sign an affidavit that would be included in the motion.
He wants to make sure that our initial legal action is strong, so my guess is that he will want to keep it to the court-ordered monitoring.
We'll have to give his attorney notice of the emergency motion tomorrow, which means at earliest we would be filing something on Friday.
I did ask about the nanny as a witness, and he said he would rather not use her - both because she could be discredited as bitter because he recently fired her and also because English is her second language and she's a little circular in the way she answers questions. It's a bit of cultural thing, but you have to ask her a few times and in a few different ways to make sure you are getting a straight answer from her. That could spell disaster in court if she was facing the pit bull attorney.
Instead we are going to write and have her sign an affidavit that would be included in the motion.
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