Activities with an active alcoholic sibling
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 27
Activities with an active alcoholic sibling
Hello!
I have a brother who I've always been close to, who actively abuses alcohol. He also struggles with depression and anxiety disorder.
Because of the depression it seems, he doesn't value himself and thinks most other people feel the same way. I've tried to keep him active in my life because of this, have a relationship with him and do things with him, because I care and hopefully to show that's he's wrong in those thoughts, and that people do care and do find value in him.
I'm not planning to stop this, but it is a fine line because he often has been drinking when I arrive to do a planned activity with him. We have always enjoyed sports and music together. Unfortunately, pro sporting events and concerts typically involve alcohol usage among people who go. When we go, I don't buy him anything, it's just that typically he's already had some by the time we leave for the event. Not always, but a majority of the time. So it creates a bit of a problem for me. I don't want to send a message of acceptance of his behavior. On the flip side, I don't want to send a message that I don't value him as a person and beloved family member, and don't want to continue to have a relationship with him. Not sure what the best course of action is, to cease going to certain types of activities, to cease going to all activities, to just pull back and create a little distance, etc.
Just hoping to tap into the wisdom and experience of you all here. I'm not on here often, but come here time to time and you all give excellent advice! Thank you so much...
I have a brother who I've always been close to, who actively abuses alcohol. He also struggles with depression and anxiety disorder.
Because of the depression it seems, he doesn't value himself and thinks most other people feel the same way. I've tried to keep him active in my life because of this, have a relationship with him and do things with him, because I care and hopefully to show that's he's wrong in those thoughts, and that people do care and do find value in him.
I'm not planning to stop this, but it is a fine line because he often has been drinking when I arrive to do a planned activity with him. We have always enjoyed sports and music together. Unfortunately, pro sporting events and concerts typically involve alcohol usage among people who go. When we go, I don't buy him anything, it's just that typically he's already had some by the time we leave for the event. Not always, but a majority of the time. So it creates a bit of a problem for me. I don't want to send a message of acceptance of his behavior. On the flip side, I don't want to send a message that I don't value him as a person and beloved family member, and don't want to continue to have a relationship with him. Not sure what the best course of action is, to cease going to certain types of activities, to cease going to all activities, to just pull back and create a little distance, etc.
Just hoping to tap into the wisdom and experience of you all here. I'm not on here often, but come here time to time and you all give excellent advice! Thank you so much...
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Do you have the kind of relationship with him where you feel okay saying, "I love you, brother, and want to spend time with you sober" ?
You are 100% allowed to have boundaries with people you love and support. In fact, you should. I know it's difficult if you feel that your brother will interpret detachment from his drinking as detachment from him, but honestly, part of people a responsible adult is understanding that your choices have consequences. Sometimes that means people you love distance themselves from you.
You cannot control his interpretation, you can only make healthy choices in advance of your own well-being, while still letting him know you love him and care about him. Or not, but you have to ask yourself how much you are really helping him in the long-term.
You are 100% allowed to have boundaries with people you love and support. In fact, you should. I know it's difficult if you feel that your brother will interpret detachment from his drinking as detachment from him, but honestly, part of people a responsible adult is understanding that your choices have consequences. Sometimes that means people you love distance themselves from you.
You cannot control his interpretation, you can only make healthy choices in advance of your own well-being, while still letting him know you love him and care about him. Or not, but you have to ask yourself how much you are really helping him in the long-term.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 27
Thank you for the response. Yes, I do have that type of relationship with him, and have said this before. We've talked about his drinking many times. Doesn't make it an easy conversation, though.
Thank you for the reminder about boundaries. I know that, but have to remind myself of this often! Appreciate it!
Thank you for the reminder about boundaries. I know that, but have to remind myself of this often! Appreciate it!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,968
Hey Midtown, this sounds like quite the challenge.
Could you get him to go for a bike ride with you or paddle around a lake. I'm a depressive and exercise is one of the few things that really help. I understand that being into watching sports is not the same as being into doing sports so my suggestion may be waaaay off.
Let us know how it goes.
Could you get him to go for a bike ride with you or paddle around a lake. I'm a depressive and exercise is one of the few things that really help. I understand that being into watching sports is not the same as being into doing sports so my suggestion may be waaaay off.
Let us know how it goes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 27
Hi Bekind,
No, your suggestion is great and very much on-point. I do offer these activities as well, bike rides, canoe paddles, fishing, golf, and skiing and skating in the winter.
Sometimes he takes me up on the invite, sometimes he doesn't. When we are active together is when he typically hasn't used, so this is of course my preference. Just doesn't happen as often as I'd hope. That gets a little frustrating too, offering things like this and him not taking me up on them. Thanks!
No, your suggestion is great and very much on-point. I do offer these activities as well, bike rides, canoe paddles, fishing, golf, and skiing and skating in the winter.
Sometimes he takes me up on the invite, sometimes he doesn't. When we are active together is when he typically hasn't used, so this is of course my preference. Just doesn't happen as often as I'd hope. That gets a little frustrating too, offering things like this and him not taking me up on them. Thanks!
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